I feel somewhat guilty. I had someone ask me today why I would want to name my child after my grandma after what she put me through. We lived with my grandma when I was growing up, and when we moved she moved with us. She and I were super close. But she was the biggest hypocrite and fake you've ever met. She disowned my mother (her daughter) for a stupid reason and refused to talk to her for the last 5 years of her life. Seriously. We ran into her once at the vet and she didn't even acknowledge my mom. It really hurt my mom. My grandma hated my dad, and did everything in her power to turn me against him. She told me lies about him that I believed up until the day she died. Before she died it was getting to the point where I didn't even want to visit her, because visits with her involved bashing my parents, bashing my uncles, bashing her friends. She would be sweet to your face, but she'd talk about you behind your back, and usually to me. I couldn't take it anymore, but I was all she had really. After she died and we went through her things a lot of truths came out. My dad had a long heart-to-heart conversation and started repairing our relationship. My mom came to accept her mother really was never going to talk to her again, and even had she lived there would have been no reconciliation. I learned a lot of things about my grandma that hurt me even to this day. She used me and she manipulated me for 20 years of my life. But some of the best memories I have are with her from when I was a kid. I try to think of those times when ignorance was bliss. There are times I miss her and wish she was still here, and then there are times I'm glad she's not here to ruin a moment (like my wedding), so I do feel guilty about that. She would have loved another great-grandchild. But I don't know if I would let my child around her based on what she did to me. Does it make me a horrible person to be relieved she's not around to screw up my kid?
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@phoenix870509 No, being relieved she is not around does not make you a horrible person. Truth be told, I wish my MIL and dad had croaked before I got pregnant. I have fears of the same thing you mentioned--our child being manipulated or used as tools to manipulate us. There is a lot of shame and guilt that people who do not have a great family support system suffer through--"I can't believe you don't love (insert abusive family member here)--after all, they are FAMILY!" And other similar sentiments. People that were fortunate to have great support systems don't understand the feelings of wanting to hide, wanting the abusers to die or disappear, etc. These feelings do not make us horrible people. We simply have been through suffering, abandonment, abuse, shame, and other situations we likely wouldn't have otherwise, and it is a natural reaction to such treatment.
It is perfectly natural to want the threat or hurtful person to go away, and to feel relief when they are gone. We are only human.
@phoenix870509 Not a horrible person at all! I just want to say I agree with everything dmontgo said. I do also want to piggy back on one thing, though. Even if you do have a support system to back you up in rough times, sometimes the people who manipulate/abuse you still have a HUGE hold on you. No matter what you went through, it's also completely normal to have that strange feeling of sadness and relief combined. My mom and I do have some good memories together, so I mourn the loss of those few good moments even if there's a crapload more negativity in comparison.
Super normal to be relieved. It doesn't mean you didn't love the person they were in good times.
@aevan011 Really great points! Now I have a much better support system and those struggles are still real. Also so true about the mixed emotions. Healing is such a complex thing...and exhausting! Helps to have this board!
@dmontgoand @aevan011thank you! I have felt super guilty for the longest time about this. She really did everything in her power to convince me my father was emotionally abusing me. In all reality, my dad is a blunt, sarcastic guy, and he really doesn't know how to deal with kids over a certain age. I was a mystery to him, and as I got older I drifted closer to my mom and my grandma took that opportunity to pounce. But we've repaired our relationship; we'll never be as close as we were when I was daddy's little girl, and I've accepted that. My husband has been wonderful throughout this whole ordeal. He was the one who got into my head what she was doing wasn't right and I was the only one who could put a stop to it. Honestly, I don't know if I'd have a relationship with her if she were alive today. So maybe it's a blessing she died when she did.
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
@phoenix870509 I totally get that. My mom is still attempting to turn me against my dad. Unfortunately for her I've watched her abuse so many men that I honestly can't blame Dad for leaving. And he's never hurt me in any way. I'm glad we have supportive husbands/friends/family in our lives now. I'm not sure I'd have ever stood up to her without my husband's support.
Re: Reasons my family is driving me crazy 5/31
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
It is perfectly natural to want the threat or hurtful person to go away, and to feel relief when they are gone. We are only human.
Super normal to be relieved. It doesn't mean you didn't love the person they were in good times.
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18