How is everyone doing? Check-in 5/30

rainbowturtles · May 2016

I'm finally on the ball to start this on a Monday!

For the new people who joined this board recently, we are all so sorry for your losses. This board is proof that you don't have to go through this alone!

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with? Feel free to rant and vent, this is a safe space where we offer support and compassion

I wish none of us had to be here but at least we're in it together

rainbowturtles · May 2016

Myself, I'm sort of in go go go mode with kitchen renos. I'm exhausted but can't slow down or I'll crash, is sort of the feeling. Might have to do a meditation just to relax a bit. DH is working out of town for the week so I'm trying to get as much done as possible of the stuff that I'm capable of doing, which is mostly painting. And oh lordy, you ask a perfectionist to paint? Oy, it's not easy for me. Granted, the distraction is nice and the feeling of moving forward is good. Still can't help but do the baby bump tally while I'm out, though

chloe97 · May 2016

I'm 2 weeks post D&C today. Physically I'm 100% healed. No more bleeding- body seems to be gearing up to ovulate, pregnancy tests are Snow White again.

Emotionally, I'm less of an outward wreck and more of an inward wreck. I spend my day talking myself down from the ledge about various random symptoms being evidence of cancer. It's pretty bad. DH knows I'm having a flare up if hypochondria, but he doesn't understand the extent of the issue.

We were at a wedding last night and there were a few special needs kids at the wedding. This set me off this morning at brunch with DH- I asked him if we were prepared to have special needs kids and told him that maybe we missed our window to have healthy kids-at least from my eggs (I'm 37). He got upset and told me he wouldn't discuss any of this its m until we discuss these issues with an RE when I finally get my period and cleared to start testing. I told him that no RE could tell us anything about our risk for kids with autism or other issues- only chromosomal issues.

I'm a wreck. I wish people would stop telling how strong I am being because I can get myself dressed and out the door and have normal human conversations. These people who tell me I'm strong have no idea what is going through my mind at any give time. Thank god for open bar weddings to numb the pain of the 15 pregnant ladies who were at this event. Luckily none at my table and I only had to get up and leave a conversation once when 2 women were going on and on about kids.

It all just sucks so badly. I feel like I've been going through this for so long. Today marks 6 months since my first MMC diagnosis and 2 weeks from my 2nd D&C. As much as I need time to mourn and heal from loss, I'm around people talking about kids and pregnancy constantly. Not very conducive to healing.

ETA DH and I are meeting a puppy today to possibly take home. We both love dogs, but had decided we'd wait until our kids were older to get one. The 2nd MC spurred us to move faster. I feel like such a stereotypical couple with fertility issues- can't have a kid? Get a dog! Then proceed to post pictures of your dog like its s child on social media in an effort to convince everyone that it's okay that you don't have kids.

BrightenMySky · May 2016

@rainbowturtles I hear you about not being able to slow down or you'll crash. Meditation sounds like a good idea. Chopping and cooking tends to be therapeutic for me. I just made a new dish to try for lunches this week, in an effort to curb how much we've been buying lunches out.

@chloe97 we said when we got our dog that we would not get another dog until we had a kid, but obviously things didn't go as planned, and now it looks like our dog will probably not live to see us have a baby. How did it go with the dog today? And a close friend told me that it was good I was forcing myself to get out of the house and that comment really did not sit well with me, I think because I still felt so wrecked despite how I might have appeared, but it was really hard for me to explain to DH why it was upsetting.

AFM, I got through dinner with another couple last night, the woman is due in June. They don't know about our loss (more a friend of DH's than mine, so I don't really socialize with them that much), but it went ok. She didn't feel the need to go on at length about the pregnancy, so that helped. I got my hair done yesterday (blown out) and that felt like good self-care because I was feeling pretty down. We have a bunch of things going on that I knew about when I was pregnant, I keep thinking about how I would have been visibly pregnant for these events. Otherwise I hadn't been thinking that much about how many weeks I would have been.

Spartanrd4 · May 2016

I'm feeling refreshed after the long weekend...went wine tasting with DH and even though in the back of my mind there was a little voice saying I wouldn't be drinking if I was still pregnant, I still enjoyed myself. I can't continue to torture myself thinking about how far along I would be.

I met with my OB/Gyn last week...basically just to be counseled by her and she really gave me a good pep talk. She really believes I will be pregnant again and said if nothing happens by 6 months to come back. She also reassured me that next time I will be more closely monitored which made me feel better because I told her I'd be a nervous wreck.

After 3 months since my MC I'm feeling better than I have ever been but of course I'll never forget what happened.

lyndam1 · May 2016

@rainbowturtles Distractions are quite lovely, especially when they're productive ones! Good luck with the painting and enjoy a some good quiet time afterward!

@chloe97 I don't have much to say in response, other than I'm sorry. Sending hugs your way.

@BrightenMySky I like the self-care approach! I forget about that kind of stuff, but maybe a massage is in my future, thanks for the reminder! Hugs.

@Spartanrd4 Glad you had a good weekend and a good pep talk. Sometimes, that's just what you need!

This weekend was really hard. Friday marked two weeks since we terminated the pregnancy and started methotrexate, everything seemed to be going fine. My HCG had dropped from 16,000 to 7500 and I wasn't experiencing any bleeding (I was told I wouldn't experience heavy bleeding). Then Saturday very early morning, I woke up with heavy bleeding and clots (soaking more than 1 pad an hour) and went to the ER. They went back and forth with transferring me to different hospitals, but ultimately decided I could go home. I did lose a good amount of blood (not enough to transfuse or keep me in the hospital, thank goodness!) but enough to make me feel wiped out for the whole weekend. I'm now anemic after this incident so iron, iron, iron for me! I thought the hard part of this loss was over, apparently it wasn't. So now I'm back to feeling like crap after feeling so well. Ugh.

killysmum23 · May 2016

Hi there I really don't get a chance to pop in here very often but I'm definitely having a rough week! I'm so sorry for all of your losses chloe97 (sorry not sure how to tag) I recently saw a previous post and I'm so sorry to see your stort and struggles ! I am oddly dealing with a lot of hypochondria myself right now so I get where your coming from with that! Rainbowturtles I love meditation it is a go to of mine also my husband works out of town a lot its hard qhen your support system can't be physically with you! Anyways I am a little over a month post miscarriage I honestly have been avoiding counting how long its been I stopped bleeding about two weeks ago and my hcg levels have dropped I though I was doing well felt like I was fetting back to normal and my dr sent me for a. Pap just because its been a a while and it came back abnormal. .. I'm a mess and convinced something is wrong even though they reassured me this can be very normal after a mc and they didn't actually find cancer cells just a typical anyway so I'm waiting to go in next week for colocopy or however you spell it i amreally nervous I thought this was over with. And to top it off my bff had her baby today i am truly happy for her but i definitly cried some extra tears today....lets just say I'm not a big drinker and I drank a lot of wine this weekend!

rainbowturtles · May 2016

@chloe97 oh goodness, my heart breaks for you and I'm so sorry for everything your going through. That wedding must have been pure hell to get through even with an open bar

We love dogs and have three right now and DH asked what kind of dog I want next and I said a baby. So I can understand if you're feeling like getting a dog is a little bittersweet

That said, I think it's a wonderful idea and I look forward to seeing pics

I got my pug a month before I found out I was pregnant ten years ago, which also ended in loss and Wilbur has really helped me through.

@BrightenMySky glad you got through the dinner okay and had some good self care

And I get it about doing things and thinking how pregnant you would be. I keep thinking if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be painting

@Spartanrd4 I'm happy to hear you're feeling refreshed and more at peace

@lyndam1 that sounds awful and definitely physically AND emotionally exhausting

I hope you're able to rest and replenish

I'm three months out from my mc and the weird thing for me is that I'm crying about everything lately and have been for about the past month. Like when something makes me happy I'll cry, even. I'm getting emotional about every little thing...I start thinking about how great it will be to be moved into the new place : tears, my dog comes up behind me when I'm painting and I turn around and she licks my face : tears, songs that are more empowering than sad come on and I start singing along until : tears. Like it's really out of hand lol I'm trying to just go with it; I know grief can be strange sometimes if that's what it is? But man. I'm just a mushball and I've joked that I'm walking around in constant dehydration from all the tears lol

chloe97 · May 2016

Thanks everyone. @rainbowturtles I get dehydrated from crying too much as well. @killysmum23 I'ts comforting to hear I'm not the only battling hypochondria. I'm sure it's pretty common for women who have gone through the worst case scenario to fear the worst case for their health as well. @BrightenMySkyWe met the dog and I think we are going to get him. Now we just need to puppy-proof our place and buy all of the supplies. I'm so happy we decided to rescue a dog rather than get one from a kennel.

I'm also wondering if anyone else has had second thoughts about conceiving again? I feel like I need a year or so to recover, but at 37 I just don't have the time. I feel like I'm letting down DH and breaking promises I made to him, because he wants a kid so badly. Buy at the same time- I just can't go through this again. He keeps telling me that we should just wait until we make any decisions until we meet with the RE. But there is no Dr that can assure me a healthy child. Not one. That's what I need. Maybe I just wasn't meant to do this. At least biologically.

JDMRS · May 2016

Haven't been on this board in awhile. Mostly because I thought I was "okay" since we have started trying again. But the last week was just crazy emotionally. My D&E was 3/25. April was sh*t frankly but May felt somehow new/better/promising and all of a sudden I feel like I have regressed emotionally. I have been crying again and I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated with myself. I know I should be allowed to mourn in my own way but I can't seem to allow myself extra time without feeling bad about it. @chloe97 I'm having second thoughts right now. I just miss my baby so much and it feels like a gut punch thinking about the fact that I would be almost 20 weeks pregnant right now. Not really sure where I am going with this. Maybe I just needed to voice it to someone other than DH. He's worried about me, and I don't want him to get nervous about my mental state.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2016

@chloe97 I'm sorry what your mind is going through.. And that wedding must have been very difficult to get through.

Hugs to everyone else, mobile commenting is difficult..

Question/Concern: Has anyone done weekly pregnancy tests to watch their line disappear? My D&C was 4? weeks ago (5/11) and I started testing a week after that, and this is my third test. First was pretty dark still, but lighter than the control. Second was a definite squinter, and I was happy that it was dropping so fast.

But the third? Today it is as dark as the first one. I used afternoon urine but haven't been drinking anything (or eaten, either..). Why would it be darker? A fluke? I'm not bleeding or spotting. CM appears to be all creamy, verging on sticky. Is this a sign still of retained tissue or something..? I don't want to google because that's hard..

thatlauragirl · May 2016

@chloe97 I continuously feel anguish about the same thing. I'm 37 and my dh is 40. Simply put, we don't have time on our side to recover. But I honestly don't know if I could survive this again. All I want is Gabe to be back safely inside me.

I'm two weeks post D&E here and I'm honestly not doing okay. I feel like the whole world has moved on but I'm still sitting here on an island by myself just wanting my son back. I finally got up the nerve to go out yesterday. Went to an extended family dinner and during a quiet moment my nephew asked me in front of 12 people "Laura, did your baby pass away?" And I lost it. Went into the bathroom and cried and then just hid out in another room until I could go home. When does the shock end? When does it stop feeling like you're getting punched in the face over and over and over again?

I am so so very sorry for all of us going through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2016

@thatlauragirl Omgsh I'm so so sorry you experienced that, and in front of so many people. Hugs to you.

chloe97 · May 2016

@thatlauragirl I am so so sorry and I totally get it. I have days like that too. I'm glad you're feeling your actual feelings and not pretending your ok when you aren't. If you're on an island, you're here with all of us. I wish it was more of a tropical beach type of island and not an island of sadness and yearning for the babies we've lost, but we're here to keep you company.

All we can do is just keep moving.

As for age and trying again. I can't even deal with thinking about it. My birthday (when I actually turn 37) is Sunday. I love my birthday, but I can't imagine it being filled with anything other than pain and bitterness now. I find myself so mad at DH for taking his sweet ass time being ready to get married. The year before we got engaged I was anxious wreck because I wanted kids and I was turning 35. He treated me like I was a lunatic for freaking out so much about it now here we are. I kinda want to stop trying just to show him that it's all his fault (and not just mine- or my bad eggs') that we can't have kids. I want him to shoulder some of the burden for all of this guilt. I told him then and I tell him now that he should've married a younger woman.

AliciaGoose · May 2016

This is my first post. I've kind of been venting all over in the other groups I'm in, but I felt like it was finally time I made my intro over here.

Im about a week out from my first symptoms of MC, but only had the appointment to confirm today. I was 6 weeks 3 days (last week) and this was my first pregnancy.

Physically I feel almost fine (I didn't have a D&C, and I'm still going through the process, but my OB said the worst is over and everything looks good). Emotionally I feel ok. I've been a mess on and off for a week and I'm sure I'll keep being a mess on and off for a while. I've been kind of projecting my feelings of anxiety into other aspects of my life like worrying about my job performance and things along those lines.

I had a situation at a family picnic on Sunday where I almost lost it. A relative of mine literally put her hand on my stomach and said "Is there a baby in here yet?" I calmly said no, and told her I had my period hoping she would leave me alone. She then responded with "Well that doesn't necessarily mean anything!" Seriously? What world do you live in? It was so upsetting.

@chloe97 I have really bad anxiety, and OCD which actually most frequently manifests itself as hypochondria. While I am not experiencing that right now, I am so sorry to hear that you are because I know how overwhelming those thoughts and feelings are. I wish I could offer you more than just a listening ear. It's such a personal struggle.

@thatlauragirl I am so sorry to hear about that experience, but as PP said I am glad you were able to let it out and not hold your feelings in.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

Big hugs to everyone

@Sugargirl1019 I'm hoping someone can answer your question because I'm not sure. Are you able to contact your OB or GP and maybe request a follow up ultrasound? Beyond that I'm not sure but I'd be super confused and concerned if it was me, too

I'm feeling the time crunch age-wise, too. I know sometimes DH goes back and forth about wanting to try and wanting to wait and I just don't feel like we have that luxury! It's not something I want to end up saying "I told you so" about, you know?

lyndam1 · June 2016

@thatlauragirl and @AliciaGoose I am so sorry you both went through such horrible experiences!
Hugs to all!

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@Sugargirl1019 I don't have that much experience with the pee sticks b/c I was having blood tests with an RE throughout my pregnancy and loss, but I thought the pee ones were not particularly quantitative, so the darkness of the line didn't matter all that much. I guess I would suggest repeating with the same brand if you think it's semi-quantitative, but of course you should not hesitate to contact your doctor if you want more information--you could have a few blood tests to see where you're at, or a transvaginal u/s to make sure everything is clear. I had weird CM going on and I think it was just random/sorting things out post-loss. Sorry that is probably not much help, but wanted to take a stab at it.

@thatlauragirl totally fine not to be ok. I hated when people asked me "if I was ok" (including when my mom texted me that right after I found out about my loss). Hugs.

@AliciaGoose so sorry for your loss. And how terrible of your relative, I cannot even imagine how I would have reacted.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

@Aliciagoose I am so sorry for your loss.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

Random sad thoughts when I'm making breakfast: I know this has happened for others with losses, too, and it just seems so cruel. Why does it seem like there's always an actual living reminder of your loss? What I mean is, for my first mc, my nephew is the same age my baby would be if I hadn't lost him/her. (I've gone shopping or to restaurants with him and people would think I was his mom and it really hurt but at the same time I liked it in some weird twisted way). And now my SIL is due just weeks after I would have been so any time I see that child I'll think that, too

It's so so hard.

Eliabethb · June 2016

Hi everyone. I'm very new to this board. I just found out yesterday I was miscarrying, pretty sure it's happening right now as there is a lot of blood and cramping. I would of been 7 weeks along today. I feel like I'm in a special kind of hell because one of my sisters gets married on Saturday, and so I have to wait to tell my parents what happened. i know if I tell my mom now, she will tell everyone, and then my sister will be mad and I'll ruin her big day. my husband always is there for hugs and says it will happen eventually, but I don't think he understands as much as a woman would. I called my best friend, and started to tear up a bit when I told her, and she said holy sh*t you scared me! she thought I got a tumor on my other ovary (way long story short, I had to have an ovary removed that had a 10-pound tumor growing on it), so she didn't seem so concerned when I told her it was a miscarriage, so I guess this pales in comparison to that. We have proof that the one ovary still works. We have a very happy, healthy, silly almost 2 year old. it's just hard that I have to hide this from my family. Every time my mom calls me I want to break down and cry and tell her, but I know i need to wait.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@Eliabethb sorry for your loss. I hope you find this board helpful as you grieve and begin to heal. Having to keep a nice face on for the wedding sounds really tough, sending you good thoughts. I missed about 2 weeks of work when I miscarried and had to cancel a big trip. I ended up telling one of the women I work for what happened, and she had that same relief that it wasn't something "worse"...and I do get the perspective, but it's so not helpful to hear in the moment.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

@Eliabethb oh gosh I'm so sorry for your loss and SO sorry that your family is like that that she'd think your tragedy is "ruining her big day", how awful

Also really truly hate when people have an "it could be worse" mentality. Of course. Things can always be worse (it's hard to believe sometimes but life has proven it many times) but acting like that or saying things like that is so invalidating to what you're currently going through which is a huge loss on many levels. Glad you found us and hope you find the support here helpful

srnj3 · June 2016

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'm sorry to hear you are all going through this.

I found out a week ago today about my MMC. My D&C was on Saturday. It's been the worst week of my life. I'm back at work and it's so hard to stay focused. It's a good distraction at times but I have moments where I start reliving the events of the past week. My emotions are very unpredictable. I'm ok one minute and then I'm crying the next. My husband has been a saint through all of this.

I am still in disbelief that this is happening but I also can't believe it's only been a week. Does it ever get easier? I'll take any relief at this point. I'm far from TTC again but I can't help but think about it all the time. Part of me feels guilty for wanting to try again but I want a baby more than ever now.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@srnj3 sorry for your loss. I felt very similar to what you're describing--functional one minute, a mess the next, reliving moments--right after my loss, and sometimes now, 4 months later. I will say that I have noticed a transition from having bad days to having good days with bad moments with time. But I know I'll always carry this loss with me and it will affect me, both in ways I can predict and in ways I cannot predict. It can be a difficult and slow process, so I would encourage you to let yourself grieve however you need to. And my loss has made me really want to be pregnant again, even though before we started TTC I did not think I would feel that strongly about having a biological child.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

I had a pregnancy dream last night and all my fears and worries were in that dream. I kept thinking I should feel the baby move by now, I kept worrying I was going to go for an ultrasound and they'd tell me there was no heartbeat etc

I hate those dreams

Amdogger82 · June 2016

@Eliabethb I am so sorry for your loss, and for the terrible circumstances. I can't imagine how lonely and trying this is for you. Wishing you strength and peace for the weekend ahead.

@srnj3 I am on a similar timeline and feeling the same way.

I had a d&c Friday, after learning at our 12 week scan that our baby stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. I'm sad and discouraged and I feel lost. DH has been amazing through everything, and our families have too.

I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but I am feeling a little hurt that neither of my two best friends have called. They have both texted, which honestly was all I could handle last week upon finding out and having the d&c. But it has been a week now, and I just feel hurt that they continue to text and don't call. I feel like they are just cursory texts too... Last night one friend sent me a text of four hearts and one candy bar emoticon. Really?? I understand they are busy, and honestly, I feel like know one can understand the depth of how much this hurts unless they have been through it, so I am trying to cut them some slack. That said, I'm just dumbfounded that they haven't called. And really, really hurt.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

@Amdogger82 Sometimes friends don't know what to say or they feel like they are doing the right thing by giving you space. The best thing to do is communicate with them about what you need right now and how you feel.

Not saying this is the case with your friendship but from this experience I really have discovered who is a true friend and who isn't and unfortunately had to cut a couple people out currently because of it. I just can't have fake people in my life right now- I need to have people in my corner always, no matter what.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@Amdogger82 sorry for your loss. You are allowed to feel however you feel. But I will say that as someone who has analyzed a lot of reactions and comments (if you search on this board, you'll find my posts about this), I would give them a chance. They may think that you'll feel obligated to answer if they call and not want to bother you. What would you think of responding to their text saying something like "I would like to chat, do you think you could call tonight or tomorrow night when you can?" One thing that also helped me maintain a relationship with a close friend who was saying things I found unhelpful was to send her articles that resonated with me (some of the articles on https://verilymag.com/tag/miscarriage/ were particularly useful) so she could see how I was feeling without me having to pour everything out to her, which let's face it is exhausting.

srnj3 · June 2016

@brightenmysky Thank you for your advice. You're absolutely right but it's so hard to let myself feel out of control. My husband and I have spoken about adoption before and I've said I'd be ok with it but I would really love a baby that is ours and I don't know if that is something I could let go. I don't like to give up easily.

@amdogger82 Really with the candy bar though? What does that even mean? I'm feeling the exact same way. I've been getting the silent treatment from some people. I also have been finding myself getting unreasonably angry with some of the things relatives have been saying to me even though I know they are trying and they just don't know what to say. I hate hearing things like, "it will happen someday" or "you'll have your baby eventually". I know they're probably right on some level but it's not what I want to hear right now. I wanted THIS baby.

@rainbowturtlesEven before my miscarriage, I was having nightmares about things going wrong. I never thought it would become reality. Hugs to you. At least it was just a dream this time.

Amdogger82 · June 2016

Thank you, ladies. I knew I was being hard on them and needed to hear it others who have been there. They aren't flakes and they are friends I can tell, "Don't text me goddamn candy bars, call me," and they will. I just need to pull my head out of my butt and stop expecting everyone to anticipate my needs. Thank you for listening!

lyndam1 · June 2016

@Eliabethb I am so sorry for your loss and that you can't find support from your family right now! I hope you find the support and comfort you need here. Hugs.

@srnj3 It's ok to feel the way you do. In my experience, it does get better. But there will be days where you can't help but be reminded of it and that's ok too. We'll always carry our losses with us. I felt the same way about wanting a baby. My first pregnancy was unplanned (but very welcomed) surprise, but after the loss, I realized how badly I wanted a baby too. Hugs to you!

@Amdogger82 Maybe the candybar means that real chocolates are on there way?!? It's tough dealing with friends who don't quite seem to understand. I think I was one of those friends when my friend went through her loss. I just didn't quite know what to do or say. But we're here for you too!! Hugs to you!

cmmiller531 · June 2016

Tuesday was my 28th birthday. Over the weekend we had gone to Universal Studios to get away and celebrate my birthday. It took a lot of me to push away the thoughts that I wasn't supposed to be able to be there. I was supposed to be 21 weeks pregnant with my healthy baby. I saw small babies there even a pregnant person. It made me furious. Why wasn't that me? I did enjoy the time there with my family and appreciated getting away from work and home for a few days. So all in all after 6 weeks I still have moments of pure anger and all around sadness. I've had people say that once my rainbow baby comes it'll hurt less, which I hope is true. I'm getting very anxious thinking about when that'll be.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is still coping with their loss and their feelings of anger and/or sadness. I'm wishing you comfort over the weekend to make it through.

Sugargirl1019 · June 2016

I was scrolling through pictures on my phone and came across my ultrasound... And then the tears came.

I was getting things out of the linen closet next to the empty bedrooms, and imagined walking from our master to this room to get a crying baby, how the room would look with a rocking chair, how peaceful and serene with the sunlight coming through the blinds.. Ugh more tears.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

@cmmiller531 I know how you feel doing things that you know you shouldn't be doing if you were still pregnant and trying to still have a good time. In the past couple weeks DH and I went to an amusement park and went wine tasting- I did have fun on both of those occasions but still hard to quiet the little thoughts in your head about what could of been. Even after 3 months its still hard sometimes. Hugs

rainbowturtles · June 2016

It is so hard to do things you know you wouldn't be doing if you were still pregnant

And @Sugargirl1019 I'm sorry and understand those thoughts, too. I even got tears watching some grandma on tv because I wonder if I'll ever get to be a grandma

I believe all these things will come true for us

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@cmmiller531 I know exactly what you mean about that feeling. I'm glad you at least enjoyed your birthday even through the sad moments.

I actually had a dream last night that I was at an amusement park, but in the dream I was still pregnant, and someone was forcing me to go on the rides. I kept sayin "it's not good for the baby" but they weren't listening. I woke up and started sobbing because there is no baby. And one of the worst parts is I find that I'm not enjoying the things I can do now that I couldn't do when pregnant, because I just think the whole time "I would trade this in a second to go back and still have this baby". Last night I hung out with a friend and made sangria. I drank the first glass and it was all I could think about. I ended up crying in the bathroom for a few minutes and not being able to drink anymore.

I agree with everyone who says they just have those random moments too. Sometimes I can have a conversation about what happened that's almost clinical in nature, but then other times I'm just sitting there not thinking about anything and I start to cry.

lin0442 · June 2016

@cmmiller531I know what you mean about not enjoying the things that you couldn't do while pregnant. I still don't really want to drink anything, even though I've had one or two out with friends it just makes me kind of sad. I don't even really like coffee anymore.

I've been feeling okay lately, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I almost started crying at work the other day because a Father's Day ad came on the radio, and I remembered my mom telling me about how hard my dad cried when he heard about my miscarriage. He was so excited to be a granddad.

I have been making a big effort to get out of the house and do things- I've had a history of depression and it never helps for me to just hole up and avoid the world. Going on short jogs has helped me deal some with the stress and sadness, and I even applied for a couple transfer positions at work. Realized I don't actually know how long it will be until we have a baby, so I shouldn't keep myself in a job I don't like just for that reason

Next week will be rough though, we're expecting the fetal chromosome test results back and I'm scared about dealing with it. I want to know but it's going to be hard no matter what.

Taggarab · June 2016

Getting close to O time again and am trying to chill about it. I find that I am always super sensitive to the twangs that might say which side I am ovulating from that month. It is still so sad/frustrating that even though I may be ovulating it could all be for nothing if it comes from the wrong side, though I know there is a small chance the egg could find my other tube.

I'm sure you all know that it seems like pregnancy announcements come in spurts and I have had so many friends announce lately. I am working on trying to be truly happy for them while not throwing a pity party as I know it will not help. DH and I are planning a trip in September, so that gives me something to be happy about instead of just feeling the sadness of approaching my would be due date.

kmrich2 · June 2016

@thatlauragirl I am sorry that happened to you on your first outing. I hope that it doesn't discourage you to get back out there. I have been there. The last time I found out I was pregnant this is exactly why I made sure not to talk about it in front of any of the kids even though it was hard. Luckily I waited to tell their parents til they went to bed because I started bleeding that night right before they went to bed. My last loss before was at 28 weeks so they had a LOT of questions as you could imagine. I never minded but it was hard to keep composure about myself. I had a lot of my answers in my head to questions I expected before going out.

kmrich2 · June 2016

Hello ladies! I haven't posted on here before even though I have lurked many times. Tonight I have been having a lot of internal struggles with my emotions, and I decided to look at how other people are coping. I wasn't planning on posting, but I felt the urge to share my story. I warn you it is long and I am sorry for that!

I am currently going through my third loss after years of ttc. My husband and I had to go through tons of poking and prodding to come to the conclusion he has super sperm and I have PCOS. We were super ecstatic to find out we conceived after our first round of clomid. Everything was wonderful and smooth until we went in at 16 weeks to find no heartbeat. The baby measured 13 weeks and we opted for a D&C(which later I regretted)! I had the procedure problem free 3/6/15, and recovered fast and physically painless. I felt like I dealt with this loss fast and easy by talking with the people around me about it. The only thing that really bothered me was not having a name. (I tried to do a gender neutral name but it just didn't feel right)

We started our next round of clomid May 2,2015. Once again conceived easily, and the pregnancy was perfect up until our 16 week ultrasound. It was so stressful sitting there waiting to go back thinking of all the worst possibilities! We went back to see our baby fingers crossed for a heartbeat, and there it was our perfect little boy! Our Thomas! Then we went back out to wait to see the doctor with our pictures in hand soooo excited that he was alive! To see him kick around even more! Then we waited more finally we got called back and immediately knew something was wrong! He was measuring small. Significantly enough for us to see a specialist but of course we were told to stay calm everything could be fine and everything else looked good from what they could tell so we had to go to louisville two days later! I was so stressed trying to find it I almost messed all over myself, and my face was as red as a louisville cardinal! It was horrible, but the office staff was so calming and helpful. We got right in and they did an hour long ultrasound(no joke)! They checked every single part of our sweet baby! Everything checked out except he was small so he told us not to freak until we could tell the growth that the size in itself did not matter to him. So we were relieved! Went to reg doctor 2 weeks later due to illness heartbeat still there! Went back to specialist and to help this story along good next month visit the baby once again had no heartbeat! Lots of chromosomal tests from previous visits were all normal and babies development was normal, but the baby was small and then past. At 24 weeks I delivered my sweet Thomas stillborn. He was born Oct 23,2015 and was so cute. You could tell he had every single feature from his daddy. It was so tragic, but once again I felt like I dealt with it well. I loved to talk about my baby and my experience. It hurt but it made my Thomas real, and it especially helped me if I could help someone else. And surprisingly after you have been through it you find out about a lot more cases of loss. I knew several people over the last year that had been through what I had.

The hardest part until now has not letting the injustice of myself and other people I know who do it the "right" way and can't have their dream that so many think is given. So many people I know who don't take care of the children they have, or have children with 4or5 different people already that can keep popping them out! I have a cousin who lost her two boys. The youngest my husband wanted to adopt in the beginning(2-3 years ago). The oldest is with his father. She has had two more children since then while we were dealing with all of our fertility and loss issues. She has had all four children taken at this point and they are finally allowing them to be adopted. We also have my sisters child who we consider ours 100%! We are working on getting custody of her. We have had her 4 days a week since 6 months and full time since her 1st birthday when she signed temp custody over to my mother in August. My sister has since been married separated through a few more boyfriends. Never comes to see "her" child or even calls to ask about her. She has no place to live and won't stay with myself or my mother because she doesn't want to follow any type of house rules, and she is due July 1st! Had an apt yesterday and she is dilated 2 already! To top it off its a boy!

We found out we were pregnant again Saturday when I took a very positive test after being sick for a month and then I started bleeding Late Sunday night. Went to the doctor Tuesday because they were closed Monday to no heartbeat. I think I was close to 16 weeks again missed due to it being normal not to have a period for me due to PCOS and me ignoring signs thinking I can't get pregnant on my own! Surprise! But the baby only measured 9 weeks. I opted to try and wait for a natural process at home since unlike the last two times where there were no signs of the inevitable demise, I was bleeding lightly but still! I hated the thought of my baby being sucked out of me never to be seen again, Again!! I thought I passed everything 6/2 but now I am questioning that. I never found the baby only an arm with perfect little fingers. I wasn't really expecting the possibility of the baby not being intact... It makes it hard to know if I missed it or if I still haven't finished. Even without that trauma it is Just harder to even think about it this time. I don't know if it is because I knew I wasn't ready to deal with the loss again, or because we did conceive naturally, or just the compilation of three losses in a row. I didn't even get to hear this baby's heartbeat! Partly due to my negligence! We did get one ultrasound picture, but it was from the moment of getting told the baby was gone so we get no happy moments at all for this pregnancy! I really just don't know how to cope this time around! I want to tell people what happened but my husband is struggling too and doesn't want people to know! He is a whole different subject and he is amazing! Thanks for reading if you made it this far! It felt good to just write it down even though nothing takes the pain! 3/6/15(13wks) 10/23/15(24wks) 6/2/16(9wks)

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