Reasons my family is driving me crazy 5/31

penelope4612 · May 2016

Since an ongoing theme to many of our threads seems to be complaints about family and in laws, I was thinking that perhaps a weekly thread might be helpful so that people can have an ongoing discussion throughout the week rather than having kind of disjointed conversations in the various daily threads.

If if anyone disagrees, let me know and I won't keep posting these!

cjt121413 · May 2016

This is great for me today.

The drama with my ILs is at an all-time high. Long story short, last week my FIL decided to confide in me that his wife (DH's step-mom, who we LOVE) filed for divorce because he cheated on her. He proceeded to talk a bunch of trash about his wife and basically refuses to take responsibility for any of their issues. I don't know why he thinks I am a good person to confide in about this. I have no respect for cheaters and I'm certainly not buying into his story that she treated him so badly that he HAD to go outside the marriage. I will never look at him the same way again. The way he talks about his wife is completely disrespectful and disgusting. I suggested counseling, and so he must have told his wife, "well cjt says we should go to counseling...." because then SHE texted me asking for a counseling referral. The whole thing makes me physically ill and I'm seriously considering never speaking to FIL again. It is very sad because his wife (who I just call MIL) has children from previous relationships who are aunts and uncles to DS and whose kids are DS's cousins. They are super fun and great people and I hate the fact that FIL decided to F up the entire family.

My family is not as bad, but my mom did tick me off a bit this weekend. We told her and my dad I'm KU a while ago because we're very close. She knew we weren't going public until after first tri, yet this weekend she spilled the beans to my aunt and my brother (and probably my grandparents, cousins, and other aunt also). I know she's excited, but it's just annoying because it's our news to share, you know?

doodleoodle · May 2016

@penelope4612 great idea! Thank you!

@cjt121413 I am in no place to offer anyone advice, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry! What an awful situation.

I literally cannot deal with my in laws anymore. We have always had a really close relationship. My MIL would overstep boundaries but I'd vent to DH and never say anything to her. After almost 8 years of this I had had enough when she said I was putting DH in danger for asking him to help with DD at night resulting in him not getting consecutive sleep. I asked SIL for advice and MIL blows up DH's phone saying I'm gossiping about her. Puh-lease. Are we in high school now? She's saying she will not apologize and we can either have a "grown up" relationship or none at all. So I guess in grown up relationships one party doesn't respect boundaries or admit fault and the other party walks on egg shells and keeps their mouth shut always? My marriage is already strained and I'm not 100% confident that we are going to be able to survive this. I hope MIL is really pleased with herself when/if we get divorced. I'm not putting up with this my whole life and unfortunately now MIL is constantly calling and texting DH and he is participating.

cjt121413 · May 2016

@doodleoodle I'm so sorry you have all that going on. I know how much ILs can strain a marriage. FWIW, it sounds like your MIL is completely out of line. Have you and your husband considered counseling to help you deal with some of this stuff? I've found it can be super helpful.

LinziLoo09 · May 2016

@doodleoodle - that seriously sounds awful. Your MIL clearly has some boundary issues. I wish I had some good advice, but I imagine you've probably already tried most strategies I would suggest. <hugs>

@cjt121413 - that sucks about your in laws! And even if your mom meant well, spilling the pregnancy beans is one of my major pet peeves. It is so inconsiderate. With my first pregnancy, I'd have nightmares that people were announcing without my permission, and I'd wake up furious.

beff12 · May 2016

I posted my biggest MIL complaint from yesterday on the Memorial Day thread, but I'm suuuure I can think of something else

Really my MIL just doesn't believe anything we say concerning DD's schedule. Around Mother's Day last year, my church had an event for ladies and I invited my mom and MIL. DH and DD stayed home and when the event was over they came back to the house for a while. DH was in the nursery with DD - lights off, curtain closed, sound machine on, bottle in DD's mouth. It was pretty obvious that she was almost asleep, so I gave her a kiss and joined my mom in the living room. MIL walked in the nursery and said, loud enough for us to hear her out there, "yew can't sleeep when thur's companyyyy!" (She's a hick) My mom looked at me, shocked. DD didn't sleep, they stayed for an hour or so and left, and DD was a wreck until bedtime.

I can't even believe that she doesn't remember what it was like to have overtired, over-sugared, over-stimulated kids, but she honestly believes that when grandma is there, our schedule doesn't matter because it's all about her and DD.

DH and I are going on a weeklong trip with our church this summer and leaving DD with grandparents. I think she's doing my IL's first so that when my parents get her, they can "fix" her and actually let her sleep. She's never stayed alone with ILs because I'm so worried about mil, but I guess it's time to try.

Sorry, that was a novel...

cjt121413 · May 2016

LinziLoo09 said:

@doodleoodle - that seriously sounds awful. Your MIL clearly has some boundary issues. I wish I had some good advice, but I imagine you've probably already tried most strategies I would suggest. <hugs>

@cjt121413 - that sucks about your in laws! And even if your mom meant well, spilling the pregnancy beans is one of my major pet peeves. It is so inconsiderate. With my first pregnancy, I'd have nightmares that people were announcing without my permission, and I'd wake up furious.

I know. It's like WTF, mom?!

LCartee2016 · May 2016

@doodleoodle I'm so sorry your MIL is putting you through so much stress
She needs to back off. (my LO is ragey today)

Kacie209 · May 2016

Some from my mom... she means well, as she is excited to have her first grandchild. But, we were discussing my first appointment for this week and I mentioned some genetic testing (that we want to do), U/S that will be done, etc. And she's like, well... back when I was PG... they didn't do U/S unless there was bleeding, something else was wrong etc. She went on and on about "when she was PG". I wanted to be like, yes mom... that was also 30+ years ago. Medicine has changed SO much since then and they can do what they can, because of the advancement in medicine. Times have-a changed!

Only immediate family knows, and no issues with my in-laws... so far.

dmontgo · May 2016

Overall I haven't had to deal with MIL as much because DH cuts her off at the pass, so to speak. But she is giving him all these "rules" for being a dad. He hasn't been really letting her know anything about the baby, so sometimes I'll get frantic texts from her asking for the due date, ultrasound pictures, or strange requests like yesterday where she wants me to tell her private information about my doctors or hospital, etc. She will majorly kiss my ass to get the info -- "You are the sweetest DIL I could ask for!" or "I am so happy you are having a baby!' ...it wouldn't be strange if she actually liked me, but she doesn't, so I see through it.

My parents are irritating when it comes to fervently praying for a grandSON. It's like if the baby is a girl, they will be very upset.

Bleh...family.
No other family or friends have been ridiculous, so at least there's that.

Kacie209 · May 2016

Oh, I will add that during wedding planning... my mom made the experience not so great for me. I am greatful that my parents gave us a set amount of money to use towards whatever we wanted, and whatever we didn't spend we got to keep (I actually went very cheap on our wedding because I just didn't want to spend a ton). But anyway... any idea I had about anything... she had no problem voicing her opinion. It got to a point where I just didn't tell her some things. One of these was our photobooth. I had mentioned it right away, that it was an idea (she thought it was dumb). Well, we ended up getting a GREAT deal and didn't say a word until it showed up on our timeline that we sent out and AT the reception. It ended up being a hit, and my parents thought it was a great idea.

So, with how she meddled so much with my planning (2 daughters, first one to get married... so I get that this planning was new)... I can't imagine how she will be with a grandchild and what DH and I want to do (upbringing, discipline, etc). His parents were pretty hands off during our planning, and will probably be the same way with this (their 5th) grandchild.

doodleoodle · May 2016

Thank you for the kind words, ladies. We went to counseling before and I really liked it. We literally have no one we can fully trust to watch DD so I guess we would have to take her with us. I just don't know how present I would be. DH is going on a business trip soon and I'm hoping distance will put some things in perspective for him and maybe for me too because I definitely have the potential to be a stubborn brat.

@beff12 your story gets me fired up. I don't know why some people insist on being so selfish. How do they not understand that sleep is almost as important as eating? You're better than me for playing nice and letting your baby stay there.

ashleaf2018 · May 2016

My parents have been great so far. I just get upset with people being pushy about wanting to know every single detail of the pregnancy. I want to keep as much of it to myself as possible, but FI's mother, sister and grandmother are not really happy with letting me keep anything to myself. I don't really understand his grandmother because when we told her the news, she said, "Oh no, this is the worst news EVER." And now she wants to know everything that's going on. I get that people come around and start to get excited but she completely 180'd from being devastated to bugging FI about any updates or changes.

My grandmother is also being pretty annoying, just with unsolicited advice and also just saying things that FI and I think are pretty rude but don't want to fight her on. She thinks we should get married before the baby is born, but we don't want to. We want to get married on our own time and not be pressured into anything, which she doesn't understand.

penelope4612 · May 2016

@cjt121413 - that's awful. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle like that.

@doodleoodle and @beff12 - I'm sorry your MILs are so difficult.

I really let my mother get me worked up this weekend and shouldn't have. She just has to share her opinion about EVERYTHING and doesn't really think about or care if it's offensive. I already posted on the Names thread about her insisting we name the baby one of the names SHE likes and criticizing what we like. Other charming things she did:
-we mentioned that we are going to Montreal in June "to avoid Zika" among other things. My mother says "yeah well after the Olympics it will be everywhere anyway". Ummm does she realize that is potentially catastrophic to the baby?
-I asked my brother and SIL if they would host thanksgiving since I'm due the following Thursday and I don't want to drive to our family friends house (where we usually celebrate, almost an hour and a half away from where we live and from the hospital). My mother was clearly annoyed about this and was like "well it's your first pregnancy so it's not like you won't have enough time to get to the hospital. You'll be in labor for hours." Ok, thanks. I still don't want to travel over an hour from where I live at 39 weeks pregnant.
-She's also totally Jekyll and Hyde - giving me some maternity tops that she bought and giving DH his favorite cookies ("for the father of my future grandchild"). I don't get it.

Now I am ruminating about what other things she will be obnoxious about (I'm guessing she won't like the idea of us cloth diapering and also I'm sure she'll have something mean to say about whatever name we pick). Can't wait to find out what else.

@dmontgo - My mother also clearly wants a grandSON. She has names all picked out for a boy. She had 2 granddaughters and wanted each of them to be a boy. She had also told me that she wanted 2 boys (obviously I'm a girl). She's never treated me differently than my brother and she adores my neices but being a girl I find it pretty offensive that she still thinks boys are better.

penelope4612 · May 2016

@Kacie209 - my MIL meddled in our wedding quite a bit. She has been tolerable with the pregnancy news so far but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. She is for sure going to be demanding about how often she sees the baby and that is going to drive me nuts (they live almost 4 hours away so every time we see them it takes up a whole weekend - can never just be a day thing).

doodleoodle · May 2016

@penelope4612 unless the mosquitos hitch a ride to Canada or you and your DH are in an open relationship I think you'll be okay, regardless of the Olympics. Lol good grief. As much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she is just really excited and has no idea how to express it. In regards to cloth diapers, I just flat out wouldn't talk about it. If she asks you what you're planning to do then you can just say you haven't decided, listen to what she has to say and then just nod. It really is so much easier. I got in so many debates when I was pregnant with DD and it was really embarrassing if I changed my mind after she was born lol so this time my strategy will be to not sound passionate about anything because even though I'm a STM every baby is different.

Kacie209 · May 2016

@penelope4612 My dad also brought up Zika this past weekend. I was like, no... I think we'll be OK here up in the upper midwest. He thinks it will just spread like wildfire eventually. We were talking about bug spray/sunscreen.

Also, my parents live in the same city as us and DH's parents live 45 minutes away. I know my mom will want more involvement, and that is fine... but I will have to put my foot down when it gets to be too much. However, we know that she'll watch that grandchild ANYTIME, so I don't want to do anything that may ruin that. It will come in handy.

phoenix870509 · May 2016

I wish I could share my MIL with some of you. She is amazing! She just had a procedure done on Friday to remove fluid build-up in her brain and is recovering now. In her drug-induced state she kept telling my FIL "I have to go home to start making a baby blanket for my grandbaby." Neither my ILs or parents care what the baby is, but my FIL's family is very pro-boy. We're keeping them at arms length during the pregnancy. My mom does drive me nuts with some things. She told my aunt we were having a sex reveal party, and I wasn't planning on inviting her to the "Who Is It?" party DH and I decided on. Well, DH and I decided to invite her. I know she's excited about her first grandchild and all, but I put my foot down and told her I have to ok things before she can tell people.

brittnic86 · May 2016

I let my brother annoy me to the point of ruining one of my only days I got with DH, and I was so stressed I was bawling by the end of the day. I'm sure hormones played a part in the crying. We're in the process of trying to get my brother and his wife to move out. They know they have to be gone before the babies get here, but honestly I don't know how they will afford it. DH and I definitely carry them a bit. They pay us $700 a month for rent, water, power, heat, internet, garbage, use of our washer and dryer, all household necessities including laundry soap, toothpaste, toilet paper etc, AND COOKED MEALS at least 4 nights a week. For two people. Also my SIL's kid is there 3-4 nights a week. When the kid got there earlier in the week, I asked my brother about milk, seeing as this kid drinks a gallon of milk every time he's at the house. When I asked it wasn't a problem, but after he had drank all the milk and I asked again, my brother replied that "frankly" he didn't think they needed to replace the milk, "seeing as we've eaten nothing." I didn't feel like cooking dinner for two nights...there is a freezer and pantry full of food to be cooked...so I got mad and said fine, give us $100 less a month, and take care of your own food, laundry soap, and toothpaste. Then I even went so far as to tell him that he could give me less, and I would STILL provide food for him and his wife for the next two weeks...and he tried to say he already gave me money and there's no food. So I come home to my MOTHER at my house, with tons of groceries for them. I was so pissed, felt like she was just enabling them and confirming all that they're claiming...that I just take their money and don't feed them...when really I spend $300-$400 a month on food, and their half of the utilities alone adds up to $250....and they pay us $700. Still annoyed about it. Trying to calm down though for the babies' sake -_-

aevan011 · May 2016

Ladies, I'm sending hugs your way. I'm very lucky that my in-laws are not in our business at all. Last year when we told them about a pregnancy, they said congrats and "why would we tell anyone? It's your news to share". This could all change once the baby is here, but fortunately right now there's no family drama surrounding this pregnancy as we have told none of the parents. Only my two siblings.

However....my mother and I have an extremely strained relationship (at least, I do...because she thinks we're perfect) due to prior abuse and I've been seeing a counselor for a while. Mom's asked me to facetime quite often and is obviously suspicious - calling me fat, saying I'm getting huge, making me stand up in front of mirrors for the phone...I haven't gained anything though. I've started responding to everything very vaguely and short answers. She has serious boundary issues and I am NOT looking forward to dealing with her. She's increasingly terrible to my siblings that still live with her and I have to tell her about the baby in June when I visit...it'll be obvious. I'm hoping with the strategy worked out with my therapist I can finally stand up to her and set some boundaries. UGH. If I could hide it all from her forever I would.

It's sad but I'm actually hoping she gets pissed about me setting boundaries so that I can have a break from her. I know she'll be very demanding about visits. She's very quick to give ultimatums. Example: my wedding that I paid 90% of, she demanded that she be allowed to pay for the reception rental hall and told me she wouldn't show up if I didn't let her contribute - controlling. I've never been so glad to be 1500 miles away.

penelope4612 · May 2016

@brittnic86 - that is nuts. I'm so sorry. I think you're totally in the right and if they don't like the arrangements than they can leave. Obviously they won't get a better deal elsewhere or they'd be gone already. Also, don't feel bad about your mom showing up. If it's anyone's job to take care of your brother, it should be hers and not yours.

If your mom or brother complain you should just tell them that finances are tight with the babies coming and you obviously have a different perspective than your brother about who is paying more for what, and it's just not financially or emotionally feasible for you to deal with this, so they need to go.

LinziLoo09 · May 2016

Please know that all of my Love tits for you ladies represent throat punches for your relatives.

Perhaps I've had too many previous blowups around family before, but they are all wonderfully supportive in these sorts of situations. They're probably most anxious to know the names we've chosen for boys vs girls and ask a lot of questions about it, but we won't say anything until we know the sex. We've found that it's best to wait until you're certain what the name will be and then say, DD is _____. Rather than, we're considering _____. The latter seems to unintentionally invite commentary from others, whether you like it or not; while with the former, they just shut up their adverse opinions and at least pretend to like it. Fortunately, overall, they really are awesome.

I would rent them out to you ladies if I could. I'm so sorry for and angered by all of these stories!

dmontgo · May 2016

@aevan011 I'm right there with you on strained relationships. DH and I have major issues with both sets of parents because of past abuse, but it's like they think we love them and the relationships are perfect, and they "don't understand" Why we go to therapy or don't want to spend a lot of time with them. They also control with gifts--more so my dad and his mom--so we try not to accept gifts from them because it's almost an invitation for us to "owe" them.

It's a frustrating dynamic that has taken us a lot of time to deal with the "guilt" of disassociating from them, but I feel like we are at a good point where we recognize the controlling behavior and avoid it. Our motto for our child is that we want to give them a childhood they don't have to recover from!

Jdlc1991 · May 2016

I guess I'm gonna go ahead and rant a bit. My MIL is great, in the sense that she will help and do just about anything I need her to do without complaining but for some reason during my pregnancy I've wanted nothing to do with her. I feel like she wants to help so much that she smothers me with affection and attention. Someone mentioned to me that it's normal to get jealous and possessive of your pregnancy and not want to share so much and I feel like this is how I've gotten. I want to share when I feel like it, and not when everyone is all over me for it. I'm trying to be patient since this is her first grandchild, but this is my first child, and I'm definitely not a fan of sharing my pregnancy nor do I feel like I'll be too big on sharing my child so much.

Ok feeling a bit better sharing my craziness with you all.

kbduke · May 2016

We had a BBQ with my extended family yesterday. Everyone had a great time, or so I thought. Apparently someone pissed off my cousin and her mom (my Aunt) posted a very passive aggressive post on FB along the lines of "family get togethers used to be fun. so sick of the pettiness and snottiness."

Ok - everyone besides you and your daughter had a great time. You are both adults. If there is a problem say something and don't hold it in and then be an AW on Facebook. The problem is that at least one of them does something similar on Facebook after every get together we have.

Ugh. It annoys me so much.

sourlemon · May 2016

My issues sound super petty compared to the real and difficult situations you are in.

This is kid 2 for me. I live 10 minutes from my mom and work in the same place as she does. Last pregnancy she would touch my belly towards the end...it bugged me but obviously the baby was feel able. She's already doing it this time! I want to say "mom, you are feeling my fat, not the baby" but I don't have the guts. We are super close and I see her a ton and she's free babysitting...so...yeah. like I said, petty problem there.

Then my FIL....he has hated me since the day I married DH. There was lots of family (BIL) drama surrounding the wedding that he blamed on me even though I was trying to help DH fix that relationship. He hasn't spoken to me since and has only spoken to DH 4 times in 3 years. He's never acknowledged DD and she just turned 2. It's not the lack of cards for birthdays or Christmas gifts that bugs me, it's that he has never once asked about her, mentioned her, sent her anything. Nothing. She doesn't exist to him. Yet MIL (they aren't married) claims that he wants a relationship with her and it's my fault he doesn't have one. Apparently I don't let DH call or text him (news to me) and have poisoned DH mind. All my in laws are crazy but aside from MIL being annoying AFI, they leave us alone because we are horrible people and not to be trusted around children (they actually said that).

dmontgo · May 2016

@sourlemon Ugh I'm sorry your inlaws are nuts. My MIL was extremely, inconsolably upset DH married me. She wailed and sobbed and screamed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR LIFE?! THIS ISN'T THE LIFE I WANTED FOR YOU!! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!"

Yeah, pretty outrageous. Was it because I was mean to DH? No.... Was it because I was ever rude to her? No... Was I gross and obnoxious? Nope...

She didn't want DH to marry me because not only did she not "pick me out" for DH, but I wasn't in the uppity social circle she is a part of. Had nothing to do with my actual character. She didn't like the ring DH bought me, either, and when we went on our honeymoon she started telling people how cruel I am and that I am keeping her dear, sweet son from her--poisoning his mind! So for a while other people were actually sending me hateful messages on social media about how evil and sad I am.

I have never been rude to her. Even though I dislike her and DH doesn't like her, I am still very nice to her. So when she found out about baby, she told us first of all to "keep it a secret" and then proceeded to pretend like she loves me. Too bad I have an excellent memory and I'm not stupid. She's going to demand to see baby all the time, and all that karma is going to bite her in the ass.

sourlemon · May 2016

It's weird because they loved me when we were dating and engaged. But then with the drama leading up to the wedding (which included BIL keeping his 2nd kid a secret, not just before birth but 6 months after...but that too was my fault), FIL totally turned on me.

But honestly, life is better without the drama and DD has plenty of other grandparents by birth and de facto, so she isnt missing out on a crazy one.

aevan011 · May 2016

@dmontgo - that is a perfect motto. I have to share that with DH. I only recently let him in on all the details of my upbringing and now he fully understands why I feel this way about mom. I didn't want all the details to influence him about her, but I started to realize my mother is a completely different (i.e. fake) person around him. I'm terrified to go on my visit bc he's not going. She has even convinced herself that she did nothing wrong, and treats DH like gold because she thinks he's the golden ticket for her retirement.

One thing I get to address on this visit is that she's repeatedly told people when we have kids she'll be moving in with us to be our childcare and insists that she will have a mother-in-law suite at our home....um....nopenopenope gotta nip this one before she shows up in December with suitcases. Not sure where she got "we want you to live with us forever" out of the one word texts I've sent her.

phoenix870509 · May 2016

Oh, and my cousin married the cheater today. No one in the family supports this wedding. My aunt and uncle (her mom and step dad) did not attend. The only people from the family who attended were her 3 kids and her grandkid (that's another story in itself). But her oldest kid (who is 20) and I both agree she only married this guy because her ex husband got married last Sunday, and she's been trying to get him back even though she is the one who kicked him out. He moved on and wants nothing to do with her. I'm waiting for her to kick this guy out for cheating, after which I will tell her TOLD YOU SO. She's crazy. I'm also keeping her at arms length with this pregnancy. She can't parent her own kids, and she thinks she's going to take my baby for sleepovers like she does her grandbaby. Nope, not in a million years. I'm more a parent to her 2 youngest than she is, and the older of the 2 keeps asking if they can live with us. After the behavior they displayed the last time they were here, they're not staying with us for a while. I can't deal with the older's attitude and the younger's tantrums (just turned 9 btw, and still throws tantrums).

sonomama14 · June 2016

I'm so sorry for all of you with awful inlaws

I am lucky enough that DH agrees with me on how utterly absurd, ignorant, and rude his sisters and brothers are. He and his biological siblings were all adopted together...and his adopted dad is great. Very business like, but down to earth. He never over steps his boundaries with us. His new wife took some getting used to, but she always tries to help when she can and I consider her my MIL. But since she isn't actually DH's mom, she tries not to over step her role either. So I'm lucky as far as the parents go...especially because my real MIL lives in Portugal and she is the definition of the devil plus an alcoholic. We never see her or talk to her anymore. Thank God for an ocean being between us!

penelope4612 · June 2016

@doodleoodle - yeah, she is really excited. That is a helpful reframe when I find her annoying. I guess I'm just not super excited to talk pregnancy nonstop and find her comments and opinions overbearing (and wish she would think more about what she says and how it's going to come off before saying it).

mrsstarski86 · June 2016

I have a good one...my dad's sister came to the US a week ago. She got a visa because of my dad. He got very sick and died last year. While we were in the ICU watching him die (for a week) she was harassing and pestering my sister to get her a medical note stating that she needs an emergency visa to come see him/come bury him when the time comes.
My sister got her the visa.
She never came, said the tickets were too expensive - except I know that the airlines will help with a discount for such emergencies because my dad went to Europe on a day's notice when my grandma was dying.
She got a visa for herself and one of her daughters based on this emergency.
Valid for 10 years.
She showed up a week ago.
My dad's cousins all knew she was coming and they are having bbqs and outings together as a "family." No one even told us that she was coming here & we aren't invited to any of these things. Her daughters keep posting on facebook about how she should have a great time on her american vacation.
My dad's cousin called my mom the day she landed and asked when they could come over to my mom's house to go through some of my dad's things. My mom told them never. Then he asked her the directions to my dad's headstone because they can't remember where he's buried.
My mom wants me to invite everyone over to my house since it's big and new (I think she wants to stick it to them a little). I don't think I can because I won't be able to keep my mouth shut about her shenanigans and disrespect for us and my dad when he was dying.
Long story, thanks for reading if you got through the whole thing lol.

aevan011 · June 2016

Well....strained relationship with mom hit a peak today. After she asked what my problem is bc I have very litte to say lately...I calmly explained that she had upset me recently and that I'm still having a hard time with past abuse issues that she doesn't acknowledge.
Which turned into her screaming at me and calling me a delusional liar who is on drugs. Not sure where the drug accusation came from but then she threatened that she'd be calling all our relatives and some of my friends and their parents to tell them what a horrible person I am for my lies. She also denies everything except for "I slapped you once but you deserved it because you're *profanity* "... also very hostile comments about my in-laws because they're wonderful to me and she's upset bc I "found a better mother"...
....sigh. Some things never change.
This is really not the time for me to be stressing out. But I guess now that it's out in the open and she doesn't want to speak to me I won't feel as bad about not letting her near me and my child.

I just needed to vent!

dmontgo · June 2016

@aevan011 I'm so sorry this happened! I wish I could say I hadn't heard those kind of lines before, but it seems to be par for the course with narcissists...and even though they are awful people it doesn't make it hurt any less.

One of the hardest parts for me to accept is how they will never, ever take responsibility for their actions, and even with knowing you're not insane for creating distance from the toxic person...there doesn't seem to be complete closure.

I wish I could give you a hug. But I think this is a golden opportunity to create even more justified distance between you+baby and her. Just remember to not to apologize to her or feel guilty--her anger and lack of respect is nothing you have to take responsibility for. If she wants a real relationship...long stretch, I know...then she needs to woman up! *Internet hugs*

aevan011 · June 2016

@dmontgo Thank you. I honestly just needed to vent and it means a lot to get support from others who have dealt with similar things. I am still working in therapy to accept that she will never change, and that her reality is self-created to her benefit.
I agree this is an opportunity for me. I'm hurt but that's nothing new, but I'm proud of myself because not once did I apologize during the argument, which I've been so conditioned to do. So that means I'm making some progress.

Here's the kicker...I was surfing instagram today and saw that yesterday....when all this happened....was Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. How coincidental. *hugs* thank you so much for your encouragement. I needed that.

slartybartfast · June 2016

aevan011- my heart is breaking for you! I want to give you a hug and tell you that you did NOT deserve it. I hate that parents can treat their kids so poorly. I also have family members who have done an amazing job re-configuring their memory to protect themselves from having to take responsibility for horrible things they've done. There's no working with that.

ajstevenson · June 2016

@Kacie209, ha! My MIL cannot and will not let the Zika virus go. And we're also in the mid-west! She made a special trip to our house last weekend to drop off two bottles of special bug spray... and 5 hours later special shea butter with mosquito repellent in it! Appreciate that she's considered, and I love her dearly. But goodness gracious!

dmontgo · June 2016

@aevan011 I am honestly proud of you because it takes serious GUTS to stand up to narcissists. It took me 3 years after I figured out what was going on to even tell my dad that he treats my brother and me poorly--I thought I was going to pass out from fear! So give yourself a pat on the back!

I struggle with the fact that they will never change as well, but the more I pay attention to the behavior, the more I come to terms with it even though it still hurts. DH has made huge leaps and bounds in progress when it comes to his mom, and there are still times where he is still afraid to stand up to her---so you're not alone in this at all! If you ever need to vent to talk, please feel free to send me a PM.

You've got guts, girl!

doodleoodle · June 2016

@aevan011 that really does take guts! My father physically and verbally abused me and I can't imagine ever telling him how hurtful it was. He insists on acting like father of the year now and in the past few years has taken to calling me pet names like "baby girl". So I truly can sympathize with you. I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this. Just know that if she reaches out to people to spread lies about you it's only going to make her look bad, not you.

aevan011 · June 2016

@doodleoodle & @dmontgo - thank you both. I'm sorry that you both dealt with this type of behavior too.
It took me about 15 years and this is the first time I've straight refused to participate in her lies and called her out. I also nearly passed out. Part of me is really hurt but the other part is just relieved that I tested those waters and got exactly the response I expected. My mom has also tried to be "mom of the year" in the past few years since I moved away but it's always "you don't understand how hard it is for me to be away from you"....as if I didn't leave everyone I've ever known. I did warn my MIL that there may be incoming drama but MIL just said "she's the one losing this 'game' of hers by acting this way, don't worry."

I read a book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" that has really helped me to understand how much this behavior effected me. I refuse to allow my kids to suffer.

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