My loss...

dec16ncbaby · May 2016

From the beginning of this pregnancy I've felt off. I've been worried and have not let myself be excited. I went for HCG levels at 4 weeks, then at my ultrasound at 7 weeks I saw the heartbeat. I remember looking at the screen thinking, "I'll never know this baby." This past weekend my stomach just popped out. My photography partner snapped a few maternity shots of me and Aj. I was 10 weeks. I had made it that far. So I started to let myself imagine this baby. I rubbed my belly, I considered names - like really thought of them. I was ready to start accepting this pregnancy.

Then on Monday someone asked me what I thought it was. What I felt. I said, "I don't know, I don't feel anything."

"I don't feel anything"

When she walked away I sat down. I thought about that. "I don't feel anything" I kept thinking about it. My heart wasn't full. I couldn't feel a spirit. I couldn't feel life. I did with the girls. I felt them. I felt them alive in me. But this time I've been empty. My heart knew it wasn't okay. Sure, I had SEEN a heartbeat. I was so very sick. My body was changing. But I didn't "FEEL" life in me.

So I called the elective ultrasound place that minute. I made an appointment for the next day. Sure 10 weeks is early for an external ultrasound, but what a better way to either confirm what my heart knew or end up with a little print out and be on my way, happily accepting that my heart was wrong.

I didn't tell My husband but he knew. He knew I needed to SEE the baby and why. We've had to experience a blighted ovum & d&c before. We got there and the second I saw the baby I knew. It was there, little arms, little leg buds. But no flutter where the heart should be fluttering. No moving where it should have been bouncing. It was measuring small. So I called my doctor. The lady on the phone said it most likely was just because it was an external ultrasound. But I knew. I told her I was coming to the office to be seen. When I got there I was escorted to a nurses office where I was scolded for going to an elective place and not calling them. But I knew they wouldn't see me. They had zero reason to. My body was behaving just as it should if a healthy baby was growing. She insisted that all of the doctors were busy and I needed to wait. I simply told her to go tell my doctor I was waiting and I needed to be seen. Of course the second he heard I was there (he's a lin old family friend) he prepared a room for me. Feeling insulted and upset, they took me back. They all looked at me like I was crazy.

The first thing the doctor said when he saw the baby was, "it doesn't look good."

My heart shattered. I knew. My heart knew. I was later apologized to by the initial nurse. She simply said, "You knew, I'm so sorry."

I had my d&c yesterday. I was 11 weeks. This one hurts more than the blighted ovum. Then I never saw a baby. I wanted one, but it was never there. But this time I saw it. I saw the heart beat, I watched my body remember (pregnancy #4) and my belly popped out quickly. I felt like it was a sticky baby and at 11 weeks I was in clear to allow my heart to love this baby.

Im broken hearted. I don't know if I can do a third d&c. But I think my husband and I are both willing to risk it one more time. I have an amazing daughter who came after the first loss, so maybe I can get my second rainbow baby.

Wishing uou you all the best of luck. I'm sure I'll stop by occasionally to see how you are progressing. Love and light to you all.

MamaBearToBe · May 2016

Thanks for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

OliveP27 · May 2016

So many prayers for you. I'm so sorry.

penelope4612 · May 2016

I'm so sorry. If you decide trying again is right for you, then I hope you get your second rainbow soon.

beff12 · May 2016

I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you. Big hugs.

mimi603107 · May 2016

I'm so sorry you have to go through this

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

capps42613 · May 2016

So sorry for your loss. I hope you get your 2nd rainbow baby too!

aevan011 · May 2016

So sorry for your loss

tarheelcaroline · May 2016

I'm so sorry.

doodleoodle · May 2016

I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

sammyl1221 · May 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers

lilbug88 · May 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss

Gizmo1231 · May 2016

Sorry for your loss

Christinaruth74 · May 2016

I'm so sorry❤️

LinziLoo09 · May 2016

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

zubenescamali · May 2016

i'm so saddened for you. T&Ps for you and your family

sonomama14 · May 2016

I'm so sad to read your story, but I appreciate you sharing it. Sending T&P's to you and your family. Please take care of yourself and never lose hope

H4aPartyof5 · May 2016

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers; please be kind to and take care of yourself.

yellingbanana · May 2016

That's terribly rough, and that you had the feeling the whole time also. I've lost one at 14 weeks, and can relate to your pain. I thought I was in the safe zone also. Even now, with this 11 week one, I am nervous. I know that it isn't safe until months from now, and even then, there is always a risk.
My thoughts are with you, please don't give up. Obviously make sure that you heal both physically and emotionally, but don't give up. This is a rough business, and it breaks my heart to see your loss. Give love to your little girls, and know that you can have another baby. I also have 2 daughters, and while they were easily conceived, this last one took us 2 years. There are many forms of struggle when it comes to having a baby.
My best wishes to you and your family.