From the beginning of this pregnancy I've felt off. I've been worried and have not let myself be excited. I went for HCG levels at 4 weeks, then at my ultrasound at 7 weeks I saw the heartbeat. I remember looking at the screen thinking, "I'll never know this baby." This past weekend my stomach just popped out. My photography partner snapped a few maternity shots of me and Aj. I was 10 weeks. I had made it that far. So I started to let myself imagine this baby. I rubbed my belly, I considered names - like really thought of them. I was ready to start accepting this pregnancy.
Then on Monday someone asked me what I thought it was. What I felt. I said, "I don't know, I don't feel anything."
"I don't feel anything"
When she walked away I sat down. I thought about that. "I don't feel anything" I kept thinking about it. My heart wasn't full. I couldn't feel a spirit. I couldn't feel life. I did with the girls. I felt them. I felt them alive in me. But this time I've been empty. My heart knew it wasn't okay. Sure, I had SEEN a heartbeat. I was so very sick. My body was changing. But I didn't "FEEL" life in me.
So I called the elective ultrasound place that minute. I made an appointment for the next day. Sure 10 weeks is early for an external ultrasound, but what a better way to either confirm what my heart knew or end up with a little print out and be on my way, happily accepting that my heart was wrong.
I didn't tell My husband but he knew. He knew I needed to SEE the baby and why. We've had to experience a blighted ovum & d&c before. We got there and the second I saw the baby I knew. It was there, little arms, little leg buds. But no flutter where the heart should be fluttering. No moving where it should have been bouncing. It was measuring small. So I called my doctor. The lady on the phone said it most likely was just because it was an external ultrasound. But I knew. I told her I was coming to the office to be seen. When I got there I was escorted to a nurses office where I was scolded for going to an elective place and not calling them. But I knew they wouldn't see me. They had zero reason to. My body was behaving just as it should if a healthy baby was growing. She insisted that all of the doctors were busy and I needed to wait. I simply told her to go tell my doctor I was waiting and I needed to be seen. Of course the second he heard I was there (he's a lin old family friend) he prepared a room for me. Feeling insulted and upset, they took me back. They all looked at me like I was crazy.
The first thing the doctor said when he saw the baby was, "it doesn't look good."
My heart shattered. I knew. My heart knew. I was later apologized to by the initial nurse. She simply said, "You knew, I'm so sorry."
I had my d&c yesterday. I was 11 weeks. This one hurts more than the blighted ovum. Then I never saw a baby. I wanted one, but it was never there. But this time I saw it. I saw the heart beat, I watched my body remember (pregnancy #4) and my belly popped out quickly. I felt like it was a sticky baby and at 11 weeks I was in clear to allow my heart to love this baby.
Im broken hearted. I don't know if I can do a third d&c. But I think my husband and I are both willing to risk it one more time. I have an amazing daughter who came after the first loss, so maybe I can get my second rainbow baby.
Wishing uou you all the best of luck. I'm sure I'll stop by occasionally to see how you are progressing. Love and light to you all.
Re: My loss...
DD born 7.27.2014
BFP 09.2015 - m/c 10.21.2015
natural pregnancy: 2008
Me: 28 (Hypothyroid), DH: 35
Together since: 2010
Married: 2013
TTC: 2013
Infertility: severe MFI, low AMH (0.5)
Met RE: January 2016
ER: 3/14 (4 follies, 6 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized)
fresh 3dt of 2 embryos= BFP (1 implanted)
EDD w/ baby boy= 12/6/16
TTC since June 2015
September Football Siggy
Baby #1
Baby #2
~04/19/16 EDD 12/26/16~
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My Wedding Bio!
DH: 36⎹ Me: 36
My thoughts are with you, please don't give up. Obviously make sure that you heal both physically and emotionally, but don't give up. This is a rough business, and it breaks my heart to see your loss. Give love to your little girls, and know that you can have another baby. I also have 2 daughters, and while they were easily conceived, this last one took us 2 years. There are many forms of struggle when it comes to having a baby.
My best wishes to you and your family.