Problematic Parents/In-Laws: Post-partum Edition

Jenly17 · May 2016

Now that May is 1/3 completed, and we have a lot of Moms who've given birth, I think it's time for a new thread.

What better time than now, when the mama bear might be coming out a bit, post partum hormones are a little off, and family members are relentless!?

Here's your safe place. Feel free to vent, ask for help or just sympathize with others who are going through the same thing as you.

Fire away.

JoMunson · May 2016

My MIL has come by twice since LO was born. When my mom comes by she watches LO while I rest and usually leaves within the hour. MIL just holds the baby when he's sleeping and stays all day. I can't help but feel like I have to entertain her for hours.

Jenly17 · May 2016

@JoMunson did you talk to your husband about your feelings about it? I'd let him know that you need some rest, and that he needs to approach his Mom about it. In those early days, the last thing you need to do is to play hostess to anyone- family or not. If he's not comfortable with addressing it, maybe you say something to mIL like "I really need to nurse LO, and we lay in bed while we nurse" (fib or not) and then retreat to your bedroom.

JoMunson · May 2016

Jenly17 said:

@JoMunson did you talk to your husband about your feelings about it? I'd let him know that you need some rest, and that he needs to approach his Mom about it. In those early days, the last thing you need to do is to play hostess to anyone- family or not. If he's not comfortable with addressing it, maybe you say something to mIL like "I really need to nurse LO, and we lay in bed while we nurse" (fib or not) and then retreat to your bedroom.

She came over today for 4 hours. It was horrible. My DH's aunt came with her and spent the whole time commenting either that I needed to sleep while the baby sleeps (while holding my sleeping baby) and talking about babies getting spoiled. Meanwhile I'm sitting in a chair while everyone else is on our nice cozy couch. Then we finally (thought) we got the breast pump prescription sorted so I tried to hint that they should leave by saying "well it might be easier to go to target while the baby is sleeping". It would be his first outing and I wanted it to be calm and happy. I ask DH to change his diaper and I'm throwing stuff in his diaper bag and when I get downstairs MIL is putting clothes on him while DH is trying to change his diaper- it's a little thing but we find it works best to do one thing at a time with him, especially since hell usually pee once the diaper is off. Meanwhile Aunt is commenting the whole time about what my son is "saying". Ugh.
i decide to comfort nurse him, which takes 30 minutes and hint again "maybe target would be better for later..."'but everyone just stands around and stairs at me while I nurse. We get him in he car seat and he's screaming while MIL and Aunt are commenting about him crying and how we should just keep going, it'll get easier. I finally put my foot down and told DH "this isn't working, we need to go home". I had to comfort nurse him for another 30 minutes when we got home because he was so upset (baby, not DH).
once everyone left DH and I talked about how that visit was A LOT, we didn't necessarily feel respected as parents, and if people want to visit us they need to come over to DO something for us and then leave, not come to look at the baby and then hang out. I don't have the energy.
it was sort of a bummer because before they came, the house was pretty clean and baby was happy and I was in a milk stained nightgown and content. Now my house is a mess, I'm wearing a bikini top to soak up some of the leakage, and I'm more exhausted than I was this morning.

Bellodomani · May 2016

@JoMunson My MIL is usually great, but this sounds really similar to how she acted when we had our first. My husband had to go out of town for 2 weeks when the baby was about 6 weeks old and I think she imagined I would be calling her to help out every day, but she was so unhelpful when she was around that I only called her once the whole time, and that was solely out of guilt. It ended up with her feelings being really hurt and it took a while for us to get back on good footing. I realized around the time my son was 4 months old that she responded really well to being given a specific job, she just didn't know how to be helpful unless we told her exactly what to do. So if I knew we kind of "owed" her a visit, I would tell her that I was really struggling to keep on top of meals and would she be willing to come over and make dinner for us, or could she hold the baby for a while so I could take a nap (and then I'd just go upstairs and watch Netflix). I think she just wanted to feel needed, and that went a long way towards getting back to our usual good relationship.

camillaandcarson · May 2016

JoMunson said:

Jenly17 said:

@JoMunson.
once everyone left DH and I talked about how that visit was A LOT, we didn't necessarily feel respected as parents, and if people want to visit us they need to come over to DO something for us and then leave, not come to look at the baby and then hang out. I don't have the energy.
it was sort of a bummer because before they came, the house was pretty clean and baby was happy and I was in a milk stained nightgown and content. Now my house is a mess, I'm wearing a bikini top to soak up some of the leakage, and I'm more exhausted than I was this morning.

That sounds awful. That is why we are limiting guests both at home and the hospital. The first time around was ridiculous, overwhelming, and was not good for mom and baby (which translates into not good for the whole family.)

Also adults who are just there to play pass the baby for hours and be critical of baby's mom after birth doesn't work for me either- baby's actual needs come first over adult feelings.

LadySamLady · May 2016

So my ILs are fairly benign compared to what many of you are dealing with, but I'm still going to complain about my MIL. She has no respect for the boundaries that we've tried to set. She wanted to come over and see the baby today so we told her a visit from 5-7 would be good. She agreed. Then thirty minutes ago she texts asking if she can come at 4:30 instead because she's close by already. It's not a big deal this one time but if she does it again we will have to be more firm. It's just another example of her manipulating the situation to get her way and totally disregard our boundaries. And now I'm closed up in the bedroom nursing in order to have privacy, I'm sure she will try to convince me not to worry about it but I'm just not comfortable BFing in front of guests and my baby girl hates nursing under a cover.

tgortney · May 2016

My mom is seriously annoying me. I'm an only child, she's raised one baby in her life (26 years ago). Yet, apparently all babies and births are the same, so her experience should be wise and enough to tell me what to do.

Let me count the ways:

1) She is trying to tell me that I have to give my newborn water because that is what she did with me. It's driving me nuts because she doesn't even understand that she could have killed me, giving me water at such a young age.

2) She had the audacity, while at the hospital, when the nurse was trying to help me latch LO. She was in the way and tried to show me herself. DH had to pull her away as to not disrupt the nurse and me. She wanted me to pinch my nipple with two fingers and put it in LO's mouth! Um hello bad latch and torn nipples!

3) She keeps telling me that I need to cover LO with clothes at all times: Hat, gloves, socks, blankets, the works etc.

4) She thinks that LO sleeping in his swing will mess up his spine development because it's curved... Also, pacifiers will give him a weird raised upper lip. Umm I can't even with that stupidity.

5) Apparently, immediately after birth, she had flowing white milk and had never even heard of colostrum. So therefore, I probably wasn't making the "right milk" and not enough milk after birth. She's a super woman, if that's the case. A scientific rarity. You can tell she's really encouraging towards a successful step for breastfeeding.

tl;dr version: She had me, her only child, 26 years ago and apparently remembers labor, delivery and baby care very vividly. Anything I'm experiencing, if she didn't experience it, is out of the ordinary. So therefore, anything and everything she says is valid. (Sarcasm)

I'm honestly glad she lives 15 mins away and I can kick her out of my house when I get tired of her mouth. (Love her with all my heart but UGH)

My MIL is DH's step mom and has never given birth before, so she has no advice to give. And knows to stay at bay and sends up things we need instead via Amazon. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

Myzticsunshine · May 2016

tgortney said:

My mom is seriously annoying me. I'm an only child, she's raised one baby in her life (26 years ago). Yet, apparently all babies and births are the same, so her experience should be wise and enough to tell me what to do.

Let me count the ways:

1) She is trying to tell me that I have to give my newborn water because that is what she did with me. It's driving me nuts because she doesn't even understand that she could have killed me, giving me water at such a young age.

2) She had the audacity, while at the hospital, when the nurse was trying to help me latch LO. She was in the way and tried to show me herself. DH had to pull her away as to not disrupt the nurse and me. She wanted me to pinch my nipple with two fingers and put it in LO's mouth! Um hello bad latch and torn nipples!

3) She keeps telling me that I need to cover LO with clothes at all times: Hat, gloves, socks, blankets, the works etc.

4) She thinks that LO sleeping in his swing will mess up his spine development because it's curved... Also, pacifiers will give him a weird raised upper lip. Umm I can't even with that stupidity.

5) Apparently, immediately after birth, she had flowing white milk and had never even heard of colostrum. So therefore, I probably wasn't making the "right milk" and not enough milk after birth. She's a super woman, if that's the case. A scientific rarity. You can tell she's really encouraging towards a successful step for breastfeeding.

tl;dr version: She had me, her only child, 26 years ago and apparently remembers labor, delivery and baby care very lividly. Anything I'm experiencing, if she didn't experience it, is out of the ordinary. So therefore, anything and everything she says is valid. (Sarcasm)

I'm honestly glad she lives 15 mins away and I can kick her out of my house when I get tired of her mouth. (Love her with all my heart but UGH)

My MIL is DH's step mom and has never given birth before, so she has no advice to give. And knows to stay at bay and sends up things we need instead via Amazon. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

THIS. She hasn't done it *yet* with this baby, but with DS1 my MIL insisted on feeding him sugar water somewhere around the second month. It drove me effing crazy. I kept telling her I don't want him drinking sugar water, and told her about everything I'd read about it. She didn't care. Since she lives with us it's super difficult to make sure she adheres to my preferences because DH is ok with whatever she does. When I'm gone he'll often just let her take over so he can do what he wants. After all he "turned out fine" (debatable). I caught her doing it, more than once. And when I say anything she always insists that I can't believe everything I read. Bullshit. I can. And when it comes to my baby, idc what you did. You also managed to fall out of a moving truck for all three of your pregnancies (I mean, you must have been trying to). Doesn't mean I was gonna do that. I don't take chances when it comes to my children and their health. I'm waiting for her to do it with this baby, but I've been making sure to keep him super close, while I still can.

She's been on my last nerve for a while though. She generally means well, but she sucks at respecting my decisions (or me generally), and constantly wants to take over my mothering duties. I would love to move, for it were even an actual option. Until then, nothing from our money to my mothering decisions is off limits to her meddling.

katxattack1212 · May 2016

I'm not even post partum yet...but just dealing with my mother is already aggravating me.

thismakes4 · May 2016

Myzticsunshine said:

tgortney said:

My mom is seriously annoying me. I'm an only child, she's raised one baby in her life (26 years ago). Yet, apparently all babies and births are the same, so her experience should be wise and enough to tell me what to do.

Let me count the ways:

1) She is trying to tell me that I have to give my newborn water because that is what she did with me. It's driving me nuts because she doesn't even understand that she could have killed me, giving me water at such a young age.

2) She had the audacity, while at the hospital, when the nurse was trying to help me latch LO. She was in the way and tried to show me herself. DH had to pull her away as to not disrupt the nurse and me. She wanted me to pinch my nipple with two fingers and put it in LO's mouth! Um hello bad latch and torn nipples!

3) She keeps telling me that I need to cover LO with clothes at all times: Hat, gloves, socks, blankets, the works etc.

4) She thinks that LO sleeping in his swing will mess up his spine development because it's curved... Also, pacifiers will give him a weird raised upper lip. Umm I can't even with that stupidity.

5) Apparently, immediately after birth, she had flowing white milk and had never even heard of colostrum. So therefore, I probably wasn't making the "right milk" and not enough milk after birth. She's a super woman, if that's the case. A scientific rarity. You can tell she's really encouraging towards a successful step for breastfeeding.

tl;dr version: She had me, her only child, 26 years ago and apparently remembers labor, delivery and baby care very lividly. Anything I'm experiencing, if she didn't experience it, is out of the ordinary. So therefore, anything and everything she says is valid. (Sarcasm)

I'm honestly glad she lives 15 mins away and I can kick her out of my house when I get tired of her mouth. (Love her with all my heart but UGH)

My MIL is DH's step mom and has never given birth before, so she has no advice to give. And knows to stay at bay and sends up things we need instead via Amazon. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

THIS. She hasn't done it *yet* with this baby, but with DS1 my MIL insisted on feeding him sugar water somewhere around the second month. It drove me effing crazy. I kept telling her I don't want him drinking sugar water, and told her about everything I'd read about it. She didn't care. Since she lives with us it's super difficult to make sure she adheres to my preferences because DH is ok with whatever she does. When I'm gone he'll often just let her take over so he can do what he wants. After all he "turned out fine" (debatable). I caught her doing it, more than once. And when I say anything she always insists that I can't believe everything I read. Bullshit. I can. And when it comes to my baby, idc what you did. You also managed to fall out of a moving truck for all three of your pregnancies (I mean, you must have been trying to). Doesn't mean I was gonna do that. I don't take chances when it comes to my children and their health. I'm waiting for her to do it with this baby, but I've been making sure to keep him super close, while I still can.

She's been on my last nerve for a while though. She generally means well, but she sucks at respecting my decisions (or me generally), and constantly wants to take over my mothering duties. I would love to move, for it were even an actual option. Until then, nothing from our money to my mothering decisions is off limits to her meddling.

That sounds like my MIL when I had DS1. She kept trying to give him water and food. She had zero respect and who knows wtf she actually got away with because she wouldn't tell me. She is not allowed to watch my children ever.

Myzticsunshine · May 2016

@thismakes4 if only I could be home all the time to make sure that she wasn't

ugh PIL can be the worst.

girlaskew · May 2016

Your use of the word debatable here made me laugh out loud.

tgortney · May 2016

@thismakes4 and @Myzticsunshine

I'm honestly scared that she will do that to DS when I'm not there. She doesn't even respect our wishes when she babysits our dogs and gives them human food when I strictly say no human food.

She will feel she has the right to do whatever she feels is "best" for her grandchild. And I'm scared as hell.

DH has already warned her about giving DS water and disrespecting our wishes. He will make sure she doesn't see her only grandchild if she crosses us. She emotionally manipulates me so it's hard for me to put my foot down. Sigh.

katxattack1212 · May 2016

tgortney said:

@thismakes4 and @Myzticsunshine

I'm honestly scared that she will do that to DS when I'm not there. She doesn't even respect our wishes when she babysits our dogs and gives them human food when I strictly say no human food.

She will feel she has the right to do whatever she feels is "best" for her grandchild. And I'm scared as hell.

DH has already warned her about giving DS water and disrespecting our wishes. He will make sure she doesn't see her only grandchild if she crosses us. She emotionally manipulates me so it's hard for me to put my foot down. Sigh.

Stand your ground. I also am VERY uncomfortable with my mother even holding a newborn. With our first, my hubby had to show her how to support the baby's head MORE than once! How did I even survive??? We have no idea...

NinnyJean · May 2016

We asked MIL to watch LO two days a week when I go back to work. While I'm not thrilled it was a way to save some money, so we asked her way back in like December and she was excited about it and said she would. Well her and my mom went out to dinner and evidentially she made it sound like she has all these doctors appointments and may not be able to keep it to a schedule. This would be nice of her to tell me or DH and also to have mentioned it sooner so we could find another plan if need be

thismakes4 · May 2016

Myzticsunshine said:

@thismakes4 if only I could be home all the time to make sure that she wasn't ugh PIL can be the worst.

That was my issue, I went back to work 6 weeks PP and DH had to watch the baby but there were a few times he would leave DS1 with MIL and I had no idea. I was beyond stressed out all the time. Then I ended up pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was only 3 mos old and I ended up quitting my job. It was the best decision for me.

tgortney said:

@thismakes4 and @Myzticsunshine

I'm honestly scared that she will do that to DS when I'm not there. She doesn't even respect our wishes when she babysits our dogs and gives them human food when I strictly say no human food.

She will feel she has the right to do whatever she feels is "best" for her grandchild. And I'm scared as hell.

DH has already warned her about giving DS water and disrespecting our wishes. He will make sure she doesn't see her only grandchild if she crosses us. She emotionally manipulates me so it's hard for me to put my foot down. Sigh.

Are you having her watch your baby? Or are you worried that when she's visiting and has a few moments alone with baby she'll do what she wants? Either way it's not good. I honestly wasn't scared of her watching our baby at first until I personally caught her messing up with DS1 and totally disrespecting our wishes and now she has no alone time with my kids. EVER. We had to move away and when/if she visits we have to watch her with them and it sucks. I used to be super sweet to her for years and now she thinks I'm a bitch. She crossed too many lines too many times.

wsgjmw1 · May 2016

My mom is killing me. She keeps telling me it's ridiculous I wake my son up to feed him throughout the night. She keeps telling me over and over " never wake a sleeping baby". I have explained to her many many times that because our son lost 9% of his body weight and was jaundice for 2 days our pedatrician told us to feed him every two hours until his 2 week check up appointment. My mom keeps telling me that the baby will tell me when he is hungry as if she is the one who has been with him 24/7 these past 13 days. And no - he would sleep right through 1/3 of the feedings if I didn't wake him. Ughhhh if she says it one more time before our appointment Monday I am going to snap my because my patience has worn thin. I love my mom but she thinks she is an expert on everything baby because she had me 30 years ago. Sorry I am going to trust my pediatrician over my mom. Just like random stuff with my pregnancy she has a hard time
understand that things have changed since the early 80's.

I am also in the camp with MIL over staying her welcome. She does live like 40 minutes away but she has come twice now and stayed for 8 hours each - it's just too much . The good thing is she doesn't irritate me like my own mom but her sitting on my couch holding my son all day long and is reluctant to hand him back over to me for feedings (because she wants to feed him) just cannot happen anymore. There is nothing wrong with visiting for a few hours but no more of this all day stuff . I only get 6 weeks off from work with my son and I want to maximize every minute I have with him.

tgortney · May 2016

@katxattack1212
Funny thing is, we had her watch/hold DS for a moment when I was in the hospital, while DH walked the halls with me (I had a CS). DS started spitting up and it freaked her out. She ran out in the halls and yelled DH's name holding the baby

the nurses surrounded her (because I guess they get alarmed at people stealing babies). She said she wasn't use to holding a baby anymore! But that hasn't stopped her from expressing her "knowledge" now that I'm home.

@thismakes4
She isn't watching the baby. But I had hoped that she could come watch him while I got a nap in while I'm on ML. And now I'm hesitant, I don't want her watching him when I'm not awake and around. Who knows what kind of crap she will try to pull in his "best interest". We have a wedding to go to mid June. I thought about leaving him over at my parent's house for a few hours while we had a wedding "date night" but now, I'm contemplating not going or bringing him

I just can't trust her. I wish I could.

@wsgjmw1
Omg! Do we have the same mom?! That's what my mom keeps telling me!! Our son also has jaundice and we are doing the same thing. He also has to wear a bilirubin lamp blanket (but will hopefully be off of it tomorrow, fingers crossed). I keep having to remind her that she had me in 1990!! Things have changed and anything she experienced is not the same as now. I mean, she baked me in the sun for a month when I had jaundice for heaven's sake!

wsgjmw1 · May 2016

So this is a special one .... DH and I took baby boy to meet DH side of the family. Upon arrival DH aunt says "wow you look much better ... You looked pretty rough when we last saw you." Ummmm right because the last time you saw me at the hospital I hadn't slept in two days and just gave birth. That is precisely what I said back to her. Still amazes me what people have the balls to say out loud .

and_peggy · May 2016

Okay so this might be mild compared to all the other situations. DH and I are living with his parents for a few months until we buy a house. My MIL already drives me crazy but now with the baby, it's amplified. I love my in laws but my MIL wants to have her hands in everything. I'm a very independent person and have said from the beginning that I don't want tons of help because I want to be able to know that we can do this parenting thing on our own. Well she hasn't watched the baby or held the baby quite as much as she would like and her feelings are hurt. I heard her talking to someone about it but she won't approach me. I even made a comment like, "I just can't give her up" and she said I shouldn't, it's my baby. I have been struggling with separation anxiety which only makes this worse. I have a realty difficult time letting anyone other than DH hold the baby. I obviously want to be able to let go but want her to respect boundaries. I don't know what to do.

lalala2004 · May 2016

@wsgjmw1 I had a lot of people telling me I looked "much better" a few days after I gave birth. They didn't say the other bit, but it sure is implied! I must have looked pretty bad

My mom is actually great and I trust her completely, but she is admittedly more paranoid about this baby than I am, more than she was with her own kids, according to her! She's therefore making me question things I was previously totally confident about:

"Are you sure you should eat tomatoes? You had indigestion when I ate tomatoes!" (Actually the idea of that is largely a myth)

"It seems like you just fed him! Are you sure he's hungry? Are you feeding him too much?" (Nope, can't really feed a breastfed baby too much)

It was the same thing when I learned how to drive: She always makes me so nervous!

KidShrink · May 2016

Oh I might be on this thread a lot the next two weeks...Because of all the complications I've had, we've had to accept more help than we wanted from family because it's all been too much to handle for DH on his own (I'm still in the hospital now two weeks later and should be moving to an intensive rehab unit within the next few days so I can function independently again and go home). So DH's parents offered to come for as long as we need, starting today as opposed to just staying over next weekend (4 days). We've had a number of conversations over facetime that made me believe MIL (DH's stepmom who's never had kids of her own but know everything about everything) was going to be better than usual. Over our last conversation, she heard baby whimper and asked if he had enough to drink...and I could sense this was the way it was going to go. So they arrived at around 5:30 today. After the first feed, she was already asking whether he had had enough...She also has an obsession with pacifiers...the kid was perfectly content, and she wanted to give him the 'binky'. I said no. Then he was mildly unhappy (he needed his diaper changed, but she didn't believe me because she couldn't smell it), and she tried again. I almost lost it and said that the soother was only to be used when he was upset and everything else (tummy full, clean diaper, warm enough, nothing making him uncomfortable, tried rocking/bouncing, etc) didn't work. I'm being a little more anal about this as we're trying to get him back to the breast (instead of me pumping all the time) after the super stressful first week or so. The arrangement we've had with friends and family who have come so far (my mom, MIL and best friend) is that they spend every 2nd night with me at the hospital...I'm going to want to shoot myself real soon I think...waiting for DH to come back from getting them installed in our home to have a discussion...

Karenpreggo · May 2016

Just a short rant. LO is the first grand baby so grandma is staying with us for 2 weeks. She's pretty low key and very helpful so it's been nice. HOWEVER, I'm a total loner so having another person in the house 24/7 is tough. Something I'll have to get used to with baby's friends coming over, I know.

The problem is in the rest of the family. Because grandma is here, the whole family shows up EVERY NIGHT for family dinner. Ok, fine. But they show up at 2pm and stay until 8pm. I feel like I never get to hold my baby because someone else always is. I guess the positive side is that my house is clean because I have to do something to keep my sanity? That, and I actually enjoy the night time feedings, etc, because it's just ME and MY baby. Day time feedings aren't fun because I have to pry baby away from someone, explain WHY I want to feed (yes, I know he's not crying, no I don't want to wait until he's crying, no I don't think he needs yet another blanket) and then overhear them asking "Where's baby? Where's baby?"

I know they're all excited but I am losing my damn mind.

Karenpreggo · May 2016

Actually, I'm not done ranting yet. Today, they brought their dog because they felt bad leaving her at home for so long. Sigh. I've been working really hard on teaching my dog to be calm and ignore the baby and their dog just completely winds him up. So now I have two super wound up dogs in the house staring at my baby like it's the coolest new toy. Talk about not helpful from a training perspective and unbelievably frustrating from a mama-bear prospective.

And I just want to hold my baby!

yogahh · May 2016

I haven't spoken to my mom in over a month, except to let her know the baby was born. I texted her the day after and called her when I got home. After speaking with her I did send her a message that just because to called her doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive; I just thought she deserved to know Harper was here. She replied that I have treated her like a "villain". I guess she doesn't really care about meeting her only grandchild. It's so bizarre to me that she is so willing to be spiteful like this, all because I suggested she come up in June and stay at a hotel. Again I told her she hurt me, and that I'm still waiting on an apology instead of excuses that I'm mad about jokes she made. I think I'm finally at the point that I realize the ball is in her court. I don't have time for the drama and bullshit. I have a baby to care for. And if she wants to be involved all she needs to do is apologize and be willing to compromise in what we can offer her.

JoMunson · May 2016

Karenpreggo said:

Just a short rant. LO is the first grand baby so grandma is staying with us for 2 weeks. She's pretty low key and very helpful so it's been nice. HOWEVER, I'm a total loner so having another person in the house 24/7 is tough. Something I'll have to get used to with baby's friends coming over, I know.

The problem is in the rest of the family. Because grandma is here, the whole family shows up EVERY NIGHT for family dinner. Ok, fine. But they show up at 2pm and stay until 8pm. I feel like I never get to hold my baby because someone else always is. I guess the positive side is that my house is clean because I have to do something to keep my sanity? That, and I actually enjoy the night time feedings, etc, because it's just ME and MY baby. Day time feedings aren't fun because I have to pry baby away from someone, explain WHY I want to feed (yes, I know he's not crying, no I don't want to wait until he's crying, no I don't think he needs yet another blanket) and then overhear them asking "Where's baby? Where's baby?"

I know they're all excited but I am losing my damn mind.

I feel you girl! I'm the same way- people tend to exhaust me! and since it's my first baby I wanna soak up all that gooey babyness before he gets too big. Other bumpers have told me one thing you can do is tell them you're going to feed them and you need a private place to do it. Then shut/lock the door and get your mama on!
I also try and get my baby's needs met before he cries, which I think is a pretty new phenomenon since my MIL as well thinks the baby's "just having a fit". Remember you're the expert on your baby, play that card! Tell people "I can tell they're hungry because of that little I they're making with their mouth" then take your baby!

Charla1224 · May 2016

Hugs to you @KarenpreggoDHs family has an event next weekend and I'm expecting exactly what you describe.
My LO doesn't fussy cry. She's either hungry or dirty. Those are the only times she fusses. My MIL always thinks she needs to take LO and walk with her to calm her down. All the while I'm asking her to just hand baby over so I can feed her. So baby screams in her arms as she tries to walk and shhh. That is until I turn into mama bear and rather sternly tell her to hand over the baby. As soon as I feed her she stops crying. MIL says, "I guess you know what your baby wants..." Guess what happened all over again like deja vu 3 hours later. Gaaaa!

camillaandcarson · May 2016

If the visits are no longer working for your family then by all means speak up.

If you need inspiration go here for awhile:

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

thismakes4 · May 2016

yogahh said:

I haven't spoken to my mom in over a month, except to let her know the baby was born. I texted her the day after and called her when I got home. After speaking with her I did send her a message that just because to called her doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive; I just thought she deserved to know Harper was here. She replied that I have treated her like a "villain". I guess she doesn't really care about meeting her only grandchild. It's so bizarre to me that she is so willing to be spiteful like this, all because I suggested she come up in June and stay at a hotel. Again I told her she hurt me, and that I'm still waiting on an apology instead of excuses that I'm mad about jokes she made. I think I'm finally at the point that I realize the ball is in her court. I don't have time for the drama and bullshit. I have a baby to care for. And if she wants to be involved all she needs to do is apologize and be willing to compromise in what we can offer her.

When I had DS2 my dad really treated me bad and I still hung around trying to be a good daughter but he didn't even want to bond with my son. I ended up not talking to him for a year. Then tried to talk to him at a family gathering and he pretended to put on a good face like he missed me and then blocked my number so I didn't talk to him for 2 more years. Then when I got pregnant with DS3 I didn't even tell him... the family did. But I drove over 600 miles with 3 kids and decided to drive a little further to give him the chance to meet his 3rd grandson. The guy couldn't even look at me or have any sort of small talk. So again, I didn't talk to him for another year after that. I talked to him last July (when I had driven 600+ miles again) trying to see if he would be willing to meet up and see my kids. He refused! So here I am, about to have my fourth child and he couldn't care less. He'll tell people he wishes I would give him a chance and bullshit but now they all know the truth... that he's a piece of shit father and he plays victim well. It was really tough getting through all of it. Last summer was the first time I actually just didn't care for his games and didn't let my guard down with him. I'm okay with not having a relationship with him now but it took years to get to that point for me.

You don't need that sort of drama in you and your daughters life. Asking for her to stay at a hotel in June is more than generous for hows she's been and shows that you're being the bigger person. I hope your mother does comes around and apologizes for all her crap and starts acting like an adult.

khochanadel · May 2016

I never thought I would be jealous of those of you with family all up in your grill, but DH and I had just one visitor the whole time we were in the hospital (25 days) and being at home with the twins by ourselves has been grueling. I just want someone to run the vacuum and clean the baby bottles and make us food.

ILs show no interest at all. My dad took a 3 month contract in Hawaii, flew out the day I gave birth. My mom is coming in early June, but only because my sister agreed to come too. I know my family would be driving me crazy if they were here, but now DH and I just wish we had some help.

saltedcaramel518 · May 2016

My ILs came up and spent the day with us this past Saturday (the day after we came home from the hospital). MIL was super helpful doing laundry and other stuff around the house.

Yesterday morning, after DH told me to take a nap and brought me a glass of water for the thousandth time, I said "You are taking great care of me. Thank you so much." He responded, "Well I'm glad to hear that because my mother sure doesn't think I am." Apparently, his mom fussed at him for a long list of things. She told him that he needed to get up in the MOTN if I'm up (I'm breast feeding, so unless he wants to sit and watch me nurse, I don't find this necessary). And that if I'm sleeping, he needs to be awake, even if the baby is sleeping. Also, DH is a very hard sleeper, and the baby's cries don't normally wake him up. MIL told him he needed to "tune his ears" so that he could hear the baby. Anyway, she just made him feel like he's being a crappy dad, when the opposite is true. He's been amazing. It made me really mad.

js8812 · May 2016

bshurdy said:

My ILs came up and spent the day with us this past Saturday (the day after we came home from the hospital). MIL was super helpful doing laundry and other stuff around the house.

Yesterday morning, after DH told me to take a nap and brought me a glass of water for the thousandth time, I said "You are taking great care of me. Thank you so much." He responded, "Well I'm glad to hear that because my mother sure doesn't think I am." Apparently, his mom fussed at him for a long list of things. She told him that he needed to get up in the MOTN if I'm up (I'm breast feeding, so unless he wants to sit and watch me nurse, I don't find this necessary). And that if I'm sleeping, he needs to be awake, even if the baby is sleeping. Also, DH is a very hard sleeper, and the baby's cries don't normally wake him up. MIL told him he needed to "tune his ears" so that he could hear the baby. Anyway, she just made him feel like he's being a crappy dad, when the opposite is true. He's been amazing. It made me really mad.

Would it be worth telling her that he is doing a great job and that the two of you have a good system worked out? Good luck. That stinks!

KidShrink · May 2016

So the ILs were here last week, and were supposed to be here as long as we needed them to. Shit started to hit the fan within less than 24hrs of their arrival, woth my milk supply dropping, and me having to ask for personal space (for context, we've been living out of a hospital room for 3 weeks now) after having asked my MIL to calm the f*** down a few times. On Wednesday, I lost it. When the baby was crying (because the room we were in was colder and he was tired), the ILs again said I probably didn't feed him enough. This was about the 20th time. I told them straight up that we had discussed this with the lactation consultant (I've been pumping and bottle feeding him, and trying to go back to EBF), and that our little guy was getting plenty and that I didn't want to hear that one just one more time. FIL started laughing as I got angry because he wasn't realizing how dead serious I was. Earlier that day, they had told us they might have to leave early (keep in mind, this is day 3 when they were supposed to stay for 2 weeks or so) because the alarm at the house and store went off (not that it won't be too late by the time you've driven 24hrs back, but anyway...). They came back the following evening (by then, they had been put on laundry and cooking duty, and DH had asked his dad to mow the lawn; we also told them I needed to focus on physiotherapy during the day, so visits were only to be late afternoon/early evening), and announced that they had to leave the next morning because MIL was sick every night because of her allergy medications. That's complete b.s. But to feel better, MIL kept on reiterating how well I was doing and how reassured she felt, so she was okay to go home (forget the fact that they came here offering to help, and we've declined other offers to give the grandparents priority). Taken aback, we asked if they could stay til 10am because we needed to arrange with the dog sitter at the last minute. Well FIL texted DH at 8:30am the next morning and said he had taken the dog out and were leaving. That was Friday morning. We haven't heard from them since (note that they were facetiming every night to check on how I was doing before they came here). DH is livid, to the point of wanting to cancel our trip down to Florida at Christmas. That's going to make for some jnteresting conversations...

js8812 · May 2016

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with the in law BS, @KidShrink. As if you don't have enough on your plate right now...

wsgjmw1 · May 2016

Soooo anyone else dealing with annoying MiL at your house all the time ? She means well but she is driving me nuts - I could write 20 bullet points on all the things she does and says but instead I'll just vent and say I'm upstairs avoiding her.

balamama · May 2016

wsgjmw1 said:

Soooo anyone else dealing with annoying MiL at your house all the time ? She means well but she is driving me nuts - I could write 20 bullet points on all the things she does and says but instead I'll just vent and say I'm upstairs avoiding her.

Mine is coming on Monday for a week and I am certain I will have 20 bullet points for you by Tuesday

Jgar2u2 · May 2016

JoMunson said:

My MIL has come by twice since LO was born. When my mom comes by she watches LO while I rest and usually leaves within the hour. MIL just holds the baby when he's sleeping and stays all day. I can't help but feel like I have to entertain her for hours.

It's always been that way when my ILs come to visit.... They just come to sit and hold the baby. They dont offer to help with anything. My mom will help with things around the house or bring dinner, etc. Very frustrating. I never look forward to my ILs visiting.

Kennedy0830 · May 2016

DH's sister has literally been the absolute worst. LO was only 7 days old before he got the text from his sister saying "don't call or text me ever again - and if you want the crap I bought your daughter then you need to respond by tomorrow". 1. This all started because she was asking DH 5 times a day for a new pic because people at her work were asking... What? I don't know these people, this is weird. So he basically said just that and shit hit the fan because her coworkers were just happy for her. Oh, cause you pushed out an almost 9lb baby? 2. The "crap" you bought my daughter can be kept as I do not want anything from such a hateful person in my home. 3. If he isn't supposed to call or text you ever again why does he need to respond by tomorrow? Needless to say, DH never responded so she took it upon herself to drive 45 min one way to drop off the "crap" unannounced (RANG THE DOORBELL) and dropped it at DH's feet and left without saying a word. Luckily DH let loose on her (or I would have), but we believe she has a social disorder as she will never see her actions as inappropriate. Did I mention she is 30 and when she's angry she proceeds to block us on social media? She won't be touching my kid, ever.

That1didntcount · May 2016

@Kennedy0830 that is so whack!!! Remind me, weren't you the one getting constant texts from your BIL? Please tell me these two things are related...

JoMunson · May 2016

Going to the in laws for a few days...I'm dreading it for the following reasons:
1. We cloth diaper and I have a feeling I'm going to get some "ew that's gross" comments.
2. We co-sleep and I'm anxious about putting LO in a bed that isn't our flat bed (MIL has lots of puffy blankets on her beds) but he won't sleep in a rocker/not next to mom and dad.
3. I haven't totally mastered discrete feeding yet and I'm anxious about doing it around people.
4. We're attachment parenting, which means LO spends a very small part of his day not with me so that I can see his early cues and get his needs met quickly. With the pass the baby game in sure they'll play it'll be harder for me to make sure LO is getting his needs met.
5. I've never travelled for more than two hours with LO so I don't really know how much to pack or what to expect.
6. My SIL has a son who is almost three. I know online it says not to have your newborn near toddlers that aren't siblings because of germs.
7. They say they want to pamper us by taking us out to eat and getting us presents- we don't need presents and going out with my LO at three weeks seems like the exact opposite of pampering.
for sympathies sake, I know MIL and FIL are struggling with the distance (about three hours) with their new grandson. My SIL and BIL lived with and relied on them a lot when my nephew was born (they lived there for about two years) and MIL still takes care of my nephew one day a week. In addition, SIL was very comfortable leaving my nephew with other people for hours to do whatever when he was really little (she bottle fed/formula fed so eating wasn't an issue) where as I'm more inclined to have my kid with me at all times (for instance right now in writing this as he's asleep on me).
I'm just anxious. Three days and two nights is a lot even without a newborn.

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