Sh*t my husband said ;)

gauge1234 · May 2016

inspired by one of our bump peeps who's husband said

you don't know true love until you help someone stretch their taint

and my hubby last night (while I'm trying to get some)

How to girls make out with fat guys ... Like technically? The belly really gets in the way.

Ummmmmmm thanks. My super productive vagina just dried up a wee bit

what other gems can we share?!

splsmama2016 · May 2016

My husband calls my maternity pants "fat pants", my recliner "fat chair", nursing bras "milk jug carriers".... He has more but I can't remember them. Lol

ahernandez16 · May 2016

Jesus Christ I could write a book. I'll give you a few of my favorites.

1. Me: "Jesus. I don't know how people live that are heavier all the time. Like, I'm not judging them at all I'm literally in awe of how they can function. I feel SO out of breath."
Him: "Yeah, well those people also probably didn't put on 40 lbs practically overnight." ASS.

2. On telling him we should practice the 45 minute drive to the hospital on the days I have school in the same city... "Why do I have to learn the route? You're the one that goes to school here. You're not going to drive?"

3. On seeing our son's thang for the first time on the printed ultrasound, "Damn! Kid's hung."

4. "Oh look, babe! You have another stretch mark."

I have a ton more, but these are the stupidest I can think of.

ashleygray89 · May 2016

Me- hey look at this, this kid is bulged out on one side of my stomach

Hubby- wow!! It is amazing what our bodies can do!!!

Me-Our bodies???? Quit playing!

I seriously could not believe he said that lol

samsonator · May 2016

Me: It's amazing how many people stare at me now that I'm pregnant. Have you never seen a pregnant person before??

Husband: They might be trying to tell if its a baby belly or just fat.

Ehm I didn't know it was hard to tell..

gauge1234 · May 2016

Hahahaaaa!!!

@ahernandez16 .... Gasp. You mean to say you aren't going to drive 45 min to the hospital while in labor?!!!!

@ashleygray89
our bodies ... Cute babe ... Would you like to conceive and carry the next fetus dear husband?!

DSTtots4lyfe · May 2016

After lifting my tight tank top to reveal crumbs from my blueberry muffin on the top of my belly:

Me:"How the hell did it make it there?"
H:"You have muffin on your muffin top!!! Ha!"

alileecam · May 2016

I am sure I can think of a thousand things, but the worst ever was when he walked by when the doctor was stitching me up from having my first. He told me later, "It looked like a horror movie." Thanks, dude. My vagina has never forgiven him for that...

longhurrdontcurr · May 2016

My husband informed me "things were changing down there" and coined the term "labia launchpad".

adiaz132003 · May 2016

While getting ready to do my perinium massage... First the shirt lifts up and he goes "wow you're so big, it's weird" then I lean back "there's like.. lady juice down there" thanks for helping me feel comfortable babe...

mrsp2213 · May 2016

When introducing ourselves in our childbirth class last Friday he informed the group that our baby is due on June 6th.

We are due June 2nd.

Palm to face.

aoliveira0726 · May 2016

Me reading What to Expect in the First Year. DH: "spoiler alert: the baby grows up"

DH: "babe, ur butt is especially hairy this week."

me: can u please go get me a pint of ben and jerrys?
dh: its midnight...go to sleep...
me: cmon. U put this kid in me and all i want is a little ice cream
dh: this is an IVF baby...,call dr berger and ask him to get u ice cream. Hes the one that put her in there

Edited for spelling

Tawny87 · May 2016

alileecam said:

I am sure I can think of a thousand things, but the worst ever was when he walked by when the doctor was stitching me up from having my first. He told me later, "It looked like a horror movie." Thanks, dude. My vagina has never forgiven him for that...

Mine was quick to inform me that he has seen my uterus and that it is purple lol.

kayla2536 · May 2016

"Babe, how do you...push?"

mamabird24 · May 2016

This one really isn't pregnancy related, but for Mothers Day H got me some face masks from Lush. We were talking about them tonight and he tells me how the girl asked him what kind of skin I had. He says: "So she asks me and I'm like I don't know, then I remembered you have oily hair so I said oily."

Uh...wtf you mean I have oily hair? lol my skin actually is oily, always has been...but unless I go a week without washing it, my hair is NOT oily, but thanks for thinking that.

vintagevix2016 · May 2016

@mamabird24 so firstly,

Lush! Use their products all the time, just a shame it's so pricey. Secondly, that sounds exactly like something my husband would say as well!

My husband constantly referred to my belly/bump as a pudge, which I hated and told him as much (nicely, I might add). It's not a pudge, it's a belly or a bump.

I've been really lax about my husband going out with his buddies, having a few drinks, etc. during my pregnancy because honestly, it didn't bother me one bit. That said, I've always made it clear that once I'm full-term, I expect him to keep that all to an extreme minimum (i.e. only 1 or 2 drinks maaaybe). Well his big boss told him on Friday that he wants to take him out at the end of May to celebrate becoming a Dad soon. The last time he went out with the big boss, it was an absolute disaster....I haven't seen him THAT drunk in ages. Not to mention a bunch of drama and a very very bad hangover. Anyway, I looked him dead in the eyes, "You know I'll be full term by then, right?" "Oh...right...well it's just one night." "Do you REALLY want to risk being wasted and me going into labor? Or being hungover and having to go to the hospital...where I will possibly be screaming and crying?" He tried to just wave it off but I wouldn't let it go. By that point, he had consumed several glasses of wine so I proposed a scenario, "Let's say I go into labor right now, waterbreaks, the works...I need to get to the hospital. Can you, right now, drive me?" "Uhhhh well....I mean I think I cou...." "No, no you couldn't and I certainly wouldn't let you. We would need to get a taxi or call an ambulance. Is that what you want to do?" That "sobered" him up pretty quickly.

tan&web · May 2016

Me: you know you won't be able to watch EVERY college football game this year right?
Him: I can babysit and watch the games, no problem
Me: IT'S NOT BABYSITTING--YOU'RE THE DAD!

jschlaud · May 2016

tan&web said:

Me: you know you won't be able to watch EVERY college football game this year right?
Him: I can babysit and watch the games, no problem
Me: IT'S NOT BABYSITTING--YOU'RE THE DAD!

This always bothers me. Dads are NOT babysitters. They are parents too!!!!

tjenkins528 · May 2016

The winner of last night was "If I could rip from V to A to get 3 months off work, I'd do it in a heartbeat"

Hmm, it's that easy, huh?

alileecam · May 2016

tjenkins528 said:

The winner of last night was "If I could rip from V to A to get 3 months off work, I'd do it in a heartbeat"

Hmm, it's that easy, huh?

If a guy ever experienced getting ripped V to A, we would NEVER hear the end of it. And guess what? Anyone can take 3 months off work. It's called quitting. In the US, very few women truly get to take three months off work, even unpaid. Mat leave shouldn't be glamorized.

nightwitch · May 2016

Three months? I wish!! Try 7 weeks, and I feel lucky getting that. My husband is also a drinker (as am I when not preggo) but I don't think he quite understands how much everything is going to change after. Like, sorry no more drinking on our patio with our 20 something neighbors until 4am. He honestly thought I would go to bed early, while he would continue to "entertain" our guests.

I also had an annoying moment with him in this same area yesterday. I'm 36 + 4. Still working FT and will until the water breaks. My parents had to move in with us so I could take care of them and they both have a million doc appointments between now and my due date, on top of all the "regular" stuff I do for them, like set meds, pay their bills etc. Oh and I'm in two online courses, including Managerial Accounting which sucks huge ass, in pursuit of my BA, that both don't end until 8 days AFTER my EDD (because I was obviously insane when I scheduled them). One of our young musician friends is turning 30 and is playing a gig at the local brewpub and throwing a birthday bash. Naturally husband's all pouty when he presumes we're going and I have to snap back about how this literally sounds like the last thing on earth I'd like to do right now. Super preggo in a loud bar when I could be working ahead in my classes, or the million other things I'd like to get done before this kid gets here, without having to put on a bra and feel like a bloated beached whale in front of all our young skinny friends.

cmac827 · May 2016

While doing my perinium massage

DH: It's really tight in there, poor baby has to go through that to get out?

Me: Poor baby? What about poor me having to squeeze her out of there?!

laurendiaz02 · May 2016

Me: "babe, what are you going to do when I'm in labor and screaming/crying in pain???"

DH: "take a selfie! That way you can remember that moment!"

Lord help me. Hahaha.

RNMegan0711 · May 2016

cmac827 said:

While doing my perinium massage
DH: It's really tight in there, poor baby has to go through that to get out?
Me: Poor baby? What about poor me having to squeeze her out of there?!

What the heck is this.... I can have my husband massage my vagina????? Lol

Bear14+ · May 2016

vintagevix86 said:

@mamabird24 so firstly, Lush! Use their products all the time, just a shame it's so pricey. Secondly, that sounds exactly like something my husband would say as well!

My husband constantly referred to my belly/bump as a pudge, which I hated and told him as much (nicely, I might add). It's not a pudge, it's a belly or a bump.

I've been really lax about my husband going out with his buddies, having a few drinks, etc. during my pregnancy because honestly, it didn't bother me one bit. That said, I've always made it clear that once I'm full-term, I expect him to keep that all to an extreme minimum (i.e. only 1 or 2 drinks maaaybe). Well his big boss told him on Friday that he wants to take him out at the end of May to celebrate becoming a Dad soon. The last time he went out with the big boss, it was an absolute disaster....I haven't seen him THAT drunk in ages. Not to mention a bunch of drama and a very very bad hangover. Anyway, I looked him dead in the eyes, "You know I'll be full term by then, right?" "Oh...right...well it's just one night." "Do you REALLY want to risk being wasted and me going into labor? Or being hungover and having to go to the hospital...where I will possibly be screaming and crying?" He tried to just wave it off but I wouldn't let it go. By that point, he had consumed several glasses of wine so I proposed a scenario, "Let's say I go into labor right now, waterbreaks, the works...I need to get to the hospital. Can you, right now, drive me?" "Uhhhh well....I mean I think I cou...." "No, no you couldn't and I certainly wouldn't let you. We would need to get a taxi or call an ambulance. Is that what you want to do?" That "sobered" him up pretty quickly.

I feel you with this one!! Last time DH had a really hard time understanding that he needed to be the one to get me to the hospital SAFELY... And that he could not be drunk or hungover. He was constantly pushing back and it was a pain in the butt. Luckily, we went to the hospital in the middle of the afternoon so he was okay. He said after the birth that it would have been absolutely terrible to have been intoxicated or hungover for all of it.

This time around, things are a lot different and he doesn't drink anywhere near as much as he did before DS. I still told him that after 37 weeks he's on "Baby Watch" and he completely understands what that means.

That crazy night out with the boss would not be okay. Can he ask the boss to do it sooner as one last hoorah before he's officially on watch. I'm sure the boss could understand?! He would really regret if something were to happen.

DSTtots4lyfe · May 2016

RNMegan0711 said:

cmac827 said:

While doing my perinium massage
DH: It's really tight in there, poor baby has to go through that to get out?
Me: Poor baby? What about poor me having to squeeze her out of there?!

What the heck is this.... I can have my husband massage my vagina????? Lol

It is not the amazing benefit it sounds like. Uh uh. Nope. Will help to prevent tears, will not increase relaxation or fun time.

ahernandez16 · May 2016

Speaking of perineum massage.... another one.

"You know you're going to have to help me."

H - "If you want to try butt stuff you just have to ask."

Rosehip15 · May 2016

"In 6 weeks the baby will be here & you'll feel great, and not cry anymore & not have to work for 3 months! You'll be back to your normal self!"

DeePaddy24 · May 2016

ahernandez16 said:

Speaking of perineum massage.... another one.

"You know you're going to have to help me."

H - "If you want to try butt stuff you just have to ask."

Your H seriously kills me! You really should write a book, lol!

mrsb8244 · May 2016

@ahernandez16 You and your H need a TV show!!

My H said something about US delivering and I was like yeah no it's not us it's just me. He also compared having a baby to taking a poop ad informed me he's had poops as big as a baby. I was like umm if you've had that big of poops I'm really concerned!

bankssl1 · May 2016

ahernandez16 said:

Speaking of perineum massage.... another one.

"You know you're going to have to help me."

H - "If you want to try butt stuff you just have to ask."

This is SO my H too!!! I laughed out loud and ready this in my H's voice.

egirl1025 · May 2016

I commend all of you for paying enough attention to what your husbands say...I checked out after mine retorted, "You're not going to leave the baby alone with me are you? I cannot be trusted for anymore than 2 hours." when I asked if he wanted his own diaper bag while registering. A long talk at home happened later that night and since then I barely listen when he speaks about anything baby related.

His current top worry...we have not ordered any wall decals to decorate the baby room yet...told him he better get on it and walked away.

paros · May 2016

Love these! I was deep couch sitting relaxed and got up and my husband pointed to the couch and in a whiney voice he said, "couch come back!"

RNMegan0711 · May 2016

Hey all, DW gave me her phone to check out all the stuff your guys have been saying. As a DH I apologize for the crap they are saying. It's really appalling how much of an asshole some guys can be. I'm a very loving person and I can't imagine some of the stuff that's been said. You are all wonderful women and you have my upmost respect for everything you do.

RNMegan0711 · May 2016

RNMegan0711 said:

Hey all, DW gave me her phone to check out all the stuff your guys have been saying. As a DH I apologize for the crap they are saying. It's really appalling how much of an asshole some guys can be. I'm a very loving person and I can't imagine some of the stuff that's been said. You are all wonderful women and you have my upmost respect for everything you do.

lol- although I agree with what my husband said I'm also pissed he posted. I gave my phone to my husband to read through the funny things that had been said (and honestly, thanked him for being such a wonderful guy because he truly hasn't said anything like this) no idea he was going to post and I don't think any of your spouses are assholes just because of their silly.. Sometimes insensitive comments. My husband is not flawless... By any means. But he does have a lot of respect for what we, as women, go through to bring new life into the world.

BabyboyS2016 · May 2016

So does mine. I tell him these stories and sometimes he gets more pissed off than I do.

DSTtots4lyfe · May 2016

In labor class talking about babies transititioning through the pelvic area and the teacher asks what goes into the holes in the sacrum, holding up a model of the pelvis.

DH answered quickly without thinking: "Fingers!"
We all died laughing at the image of babies cliffhanging to avoid descent. Sorry love, it's for nerves so we can feel excruciating pain...

VBorda85 · May 2016

Some of this stuff really makes me laugh... So I go for weekly for ultrasounds and non-stress test every Monday. Yesterday while sitting with monitors on my belly I over hear the nurse telling the lady in the next bed her blood pressure keeps rising and since she is 36 weeks they are just going to go ahead and deliver baby. I call my hubs at work on my way home and tell him how scary and unexpected that must be for that poor lady...he told me that we need to make sure and have sex every Sunday night just in case on Monday they tell me I need to deliver...man priorities...smh.

xc1148 · May 2016

These comments about "time off work" drive me up the wall. I hope you all leave the baby with your husband alone all day so he can get some "time off". A few weeks after our daughter was born my husband told me he would give all the women that work for him 3 months minimum maternity leave, because it's really, really hard.

Back to funny business, he did take the time to tell me about his 6 months pregnant-but-not-showing dental hygenist: "So she walks in, and she looks totally normal. But she's pregnant! Guess when she's due?? The day after you!"

vintagevix2016 · May 2016

My husband thinks the idea of me pooping during delivery is absolutely hysterical and is constantly telling me how he's going to make a big deal about it if/when it happens. I've told him several times that if he values his life, he won't utter a peep. I don't need any more attention being drawn to the fact that I'm going to shit myself. I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about and the doctors/nurses don't care, but I also know that they're not going to make a fuss over it either so neither should he.

He also loves to tell me that his go-to phrase of encouragement is going to be "Come on! Shit him out!" because he thinks that's funny. Yea...real cute babe.

mamabird24 · May 2016

Got another gem from last night.
H tells me, as I'm trying to arrange my large mass in bed last night, "maybe tonight you won't hog the bed."
Me: "how did I hog the bed? Once I lay down its almost impossible for me to move!"
H: "I don't know, but I tried to roll you over, figured it'd be easy since you're so...round but I couldnt."
Me: "goodnight"
I swear this man doesn't think before he speaks sometimes.

Want a personalized experience?

Sh*t my husband said ;)

Re: Sh*t my husband said ;)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards