Who have you told?

Vastra · April 2016

I've been really resistant to telling anyone I'm TTC. Most people in my life know better than to ask by now. There is a tiny handful of people who know we're trying- a confidant at work, my sister, and my SIL (who also happens to be a close lifelong friend, who got bfp at almost 40 after some struggling, and is a wealth of solicited advice). But otherwise, I really don't want people to know. I don't want to have to constantly update people, and if I do get KU, I want to wait three months before telling the world. I also haaaaate being asked if we're trying, if we want kids, etc. That just adds to the pressure. Yes, telling people could add to a support network. But as a private person, I don't want to announce anything until there's something to announce. Thoughts?

Liss_37 · April 2016

honestly there is only one person who knows that we are TTC, and that's my oldest sister. We have always confided in each other and know we can hold each others secrets.
I made the mistake when I first got married of telling people we were TTC. and it was a really long LONG 1.5 years of people constantly asking if I was KU yet. It made it even more heart wrenching every month when AF came. I can't do that to myself again.

Vastra · April 2016

lisswastaken, I dread the constant questions too. So sorry you went through that!

Liss_37 · April 2016

Thanks! I learned my lesson lol

Praying4agirl78 · April 2016

I'm glad I'm not the only one! My DH has told a couple of our friends we are TTC, but I told him to please stop telling people! I really don't want to hear the " you are going to start all over?" I just want to wait and if it happens then I'll choose when to tell people. Good luck on your journey!

KT&John · April 2016

@praying4agirl78 Those are exactly the kind of opinions I am afraid we would get if we told anyone! Our reasons for the gap we would have in ages are personal and I do not want to feel obligated to explain. At this point, only DH and I know. I hope to have good news to share with friends and family in the not so distant future.

bpietronicco · May 2016

I wish no one knew because every month when it doesn't happen, I have to update my mom and my sisters.

Vastra · May 2016

Sometime ground rules help. The handful of people I've told understand that I'm not going to say another word until I have something to announce. That way I have a support network if I want to talk about something, but I don't have to check in every second with the same exact non-news.

PoeMasque · May 2016

I've told pretty much everyone. My whole department at work knows and I get the "are you pregnant yet?" Question often, but I love it. I'm not a private person at all and I feel like everyone is rooting for us. It actually feels nice to know that my family, friends, and co-workers are sending us good vibes each month. Maybe it's different because I work in healthcare?

Either way I like that I can vent my frustration with someone other than my SO when AF shows up and the anecdotes I get from my coworkers on what "worked" for them are great. It's also been nice to hear other women talk about their struggles in conceiving, so overall I am glad I've told people.

jennh75b · May 2016

I'm the same way, @PoeMasque. I tell people if it comes up and have always been an open book...and it's kind of nice because they always seem to know someone who was 40+ when they had a kid and it's nice to hear the stories. We opened up to our new neighbors and they told us how they had their baby last year with IVF so we are excited to have a couple who we can talk to about the whole thing if it were to get to that point, and also just to commiserate about the whole "chore" this thing has become. I think because I'm so old, people don't ask me if we're trying...they probably think I'm too old. Maybe because I got married when I was older, too, I think less people assume that it will be something we want to try for?

Sure, some days you wish you never said a word to anyone, but for the most part it's not something I'm averse to talking about with people.

Vastra · May 2016

@PoeMasque and @jennh75b that's actually a really interesting way of looking at it! I totally get the "same boat" perspective. In fact, the one person I've told at work is 43 and has really been through the wringer, but finally had some good news this year. She understands every single paranoia and weird thought and I do feel better when I talk to her. And we live in a city where moms are just older on average (not the case in the town where I grew up, where all my friends finished their kid-having by 32), so in a weird way that helps too. But overall, I feel like if I were to tell my family, they'd either ask for updates every two seconds, or remind me how old I am.

jennh75b · May 2016

In fact, a lady I work with who is another department and I worked on a project together today, and I knew she was older when she had her kid. I decided to ask her and she said she was 42. Then she shared all kinds of people she knew who were in their early 40's and had kids. So it definitely is reassuring. I've only had positive things come of it, really. I do work with a bunch of therapists and social workers so they are quite the supportive bunch.

As for family...that is a different issue. I think some family think because they're closest to you that they can go ahead and just say whatever they want. Fortunately, both my parents and H's parents are not intrusive at all, and not pushy, so they only talk about it when we bring it up, and just say they hope for the best for us. They understand what we're dealing with and they do NOT want to make it worse on us. I don't talk about it much with my brother and his wife because I think they possibly reached a point where they're done trying and have no children. H's brother and wife just had baby #2 and I'm not very close with them so I don't talk about it at all really because, well, I rarely see them. H talks about it with his brother but not sure how much.

MntnGirl · May 2016

I think it really depends on your age, diagnosis, how long you've TTC, and personality. DH and I are more private, but we've been together a long time and both have big families so for a while it was a hot topic. We don't talk about it much anymore. Only a few people know about RE. No one at work knows. Once people knew we were TTC they wanted updates. They mean well, but it's not something we want to talk about every time we see them. We spend enough time focusing on it on our own and sometimes we need a break. Plus, it can be upsetting depending on the situation and timing. Some people don't understand that it's a sensitive topic or that we may not have a sense of humor about it. If our families and friends had more (any) experience with IF maybe it would be different. We find the unsolicited advice and reminders about age annoying. But like a PP noted, the older you get the less people ask.

It sounds like a few of you have a good support network to share your journey with.

SLGILL1978 · May 2016

I haven't said anything to anyone. When people ask do we want more children, I usually just say yes, we would love more and leave it at that. With my daughter, I didn't tell any other my parents that we were expecting before 12 weeks. I don't think there's a right/wrong answer, it's just what you feel the most comfortable doing.

KLake42 · May 2016

I've told everyone. And I mean, everyone.

But I kind of wanted people to know that I'm in this struggle. And the blessing of it, is that I've had so many people open up to me about their own struggles. I definitely don't feel alone.

Vastra · May 2016

I've actually told two more people since starting this thread. I thought a lot about what you ladies said re: having that support network and not feeling alone. One was bff who had her own struggles and then all the happiness. Another is a friend who has never ttc but is my wisest, most empathetic friend. They'll both Be There no matter what. But I still refuse to give my nosy female relatives an inch.

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