To Doula or Not to Doula?

lenacoilbov · May 2016

That is my question. 1st pregnancy here, 10 weeks! I'm scared/nervous about every part of the pregnancy and delivery and just got a recommendation for a good Doula - have you used one? What did you find helpful/unhelpful? Or, are you planning to use one for the first time and why? Thank you in advance!

beforeyou · May 2016

FTM here. We're choosing to not go the Doula route. I know how I am and I feel like I would get super annoyed/uncomfortable with someone other than my husband in the room (besides, obviously, medical staff). For this first one, at least, we are choosing to try it just the two of us and see how it goes. Maybe for the next one we'll decide a doula is necessary. The other problem is that Doula services aren't covered by our insurance, so I'd check with your insurance company to see if its covered, if thats important to you.

AlexLindzz · May 2016

I'm considering it. My epidural failed with my daughter and I had to deliver naturally. I was completely unprepared and I had a nurse who kinda stepped in as a doula, it really helped. I'm thinking of skipping the epidural completely and plan for natural with the help of a doula. I still want to look into cost and logistics of it.

FirePoppy · May 2016

Interesting question. We were sure we wanted a doula (also FTM here), but have changed our mind a bit. We're in an urban area where doulas are quite expensive, and have been told that, at our hospital, if you have a doula the nurses will be less involved (respecting the relationship), but if you don't have one the nurses are very helpful. My spouse is reading "the birth partner," so we'll see how that goes and consider a doula if we're still feeling unsure about the process.

lilwonder · May 2016

@lenacoilbov - thanks for bringing this up! I'm exploring this option as well. I'll be following this to see what other ladies experiences have been like.

shevaCC · May 2016

I've very pro-doula. I have used one twice and have already asked her to help me this third pregnancy. I knew I wanted to skip pain meds if possible and she made my births so much easier/nicer experiences for both me and DH.

While pregnant with my first, initially I thought DH would serve in that role but then I realized:
1. My DH doesn't have the stamina to support me for an entire birth (15ish hours in my case).
2. He doesn't have any desire to read about labor management strategies.
and perhaps most of all
3. He loves me and has never attended a birth before, and while he's not squeamish, he's likely to get overwhelmed/worried about me.

Both DH and my doula worked as a team to support me during labor. He was with me from the beginning, then we called her when I was starting to really have to concentrate through contractions. Right before she arrived, he needed a nap, and my labor basically stopped. Her presence enabled him to grab something to eat/take a short break/even go pee without feeling like he was abandoning me. She also foresaw a lot of my needs, suggesting apple juice to sip on, a change in position, or some other strategy anytime she saw my demeanor change. And she would help him come up with ways to be the most effective partner for me, showing him how to apply counter pressure on my back, bringing a cold wet washcloth he would then place on my forehead, or suggesting he stand by my shoulder and hold my hand in the most intense part of transition.

Katemr1146 · May 2016

I've gone back and forth on this. We didn't hire one for our first and I regretted it when my husband had a 104 temp and looked grey throughout delivery. He wasn't much support and I really could have used a doula.
I don't really like the idea of someone in my face, but I am interviewing someone next week anyways. I really liked her over the phone. We'll see.

lilwonder · May 2016

shevaCC said:

I've very pro-doula. I have used one twice and have already asked her to help me this third pregnancy. I knew I wanted to skip pain meds if possible and she made my births so much easier/nicer experiences for both me and DH.

While pregnant with my first, initially I thought DH would serve in that role but then I realized:
1. My DH doesn't have the stamina to support me for an entire birth (15ish hours in my case).
2. He doesn't have any desire to read about labor management strategies.
and perhaps most of all
3. He loves me and has never attended a birth before, and while he's not squeamish, he's likely to get overwhelmed/worried about me.

Both DH and my doula worked as a team to support me during labor. He was with me from the beginning, then we called her when I was starting to really have to concentrate through contractions. Right before she arrived, he needed a nap, and my labor basically stopped. Her presence enabled him to grab something to eat/take a short break/even go pee without feeling like he was abandoning me. She also foresaw a lot of my needs, suggesting apple juice to sip on, a change in position, or some other strategy anytime she saw my demeanor change. And she would help him come up with ways to be the most effective partner for me, showing him how to apply counter pressure on my back, bringing a cold wet washcloth he would then place on my forehead, or suggesting he stand by my shoulder and hold my hand in the most intense part of transition.

THIS! Your reasons are the same as thoughts I'm having. I don't want to expect too much of DH and hurt the experience for either one of us.

Oakleypoozles · May 2016

I have not used one before but I have hired one for this pregnancy. Last pregnancy my birth plan and everything was totally ignored. I've spent a lot of money and effort this time to ensure that I will get to play an active role in my birthing experience. I believe that the Doula is worth it simply as a supportive person who can remind you of your wishes should anything go wrong. If you have other supportive people that are knowledgable maybe a doula wouldn't be as useful. Even the most supportive men that I have known really aren't equipped like a Doula. I believe they offer something that can't be offered by anyone else.

shevaCC · May 2016

Also, I gave birth in a pretty "crunchy" hospital, overseen by midwives. Even prior to my doula's arrival the nurses weren't super supportive in a hands on way. They were very nice and accommodating but they had their job to do (monitoring my health and baby's health -- obviously very important). Maybe it varies regionally or from hospital to hospital, but they came to check on baby and me for a few minutes twice an hour. They weren't there rubbing my back in between, they were mostly out of the room.

ETA - I thought of something else. My doula isn't loud/coach-like. That doesn't suit my personality. She at times blended into the background, observing where she was needed, quietly making suggestions, and often coaching DH who was mostly the one talking to me. I interviewed multiple doulas to find one that fit us.

grannysmith912 · May 2016

Another FTM here, and I'm almost certainly planning to look for a doula, for many of the same reasons as PPs. I think especially since this is my first, and H and I won't *really* know quite what to expect until it's happening, regardless of how much we've read up ahead of time, I would really like to have someone there for both our sakes who knew what was going on, who wasn't fazed by the birth process, and who could serve as a calm, articulate mediator between us and the hospital staff when we're overcome with the emotion of the experience. All that said, we're hoping to move out-of-state in the next few months and don't know where we're going to end up or what sort of options will be available to us, but we will try our best to find a doula wherever we are. From everything I've heard and read, it's definitely worth the cost.

NatashaSprout · May 2016

You all are so nice not wanting to expect too much from DH. I'm not sleeping, I'm in pain. He can stay up and do the whole thing with me. It took two of us to create this and I'm not the only one doing work here. If I can labor for hours he can rub my back for hours. We are a team whether he likes it or not. Last time I checked I didn't get a short break and neither does he!

laurenlalap · May 2016

I'm hiring a post-pardum doula / nanny for the 6 week PP stage. I'll be having a csection and my husband is only have to take 3 days off following the birth.

AlexLindzz · May 2016

@NatashaSprout While I do agree that we're a team, I also understand that it can be difficult for some husbands to cope with. My husband really hated to see me in pain and just held my hand and kept asking if there was anything I needed/a better position for me to lay in - but that's his personality and really isn't the coaching type, which is why I'm considering support from him and a doula.

MollySm · May 2016

I was never really interested in a doula. I had my H, and also some women who were important to me there at my first delivery(my sister and 2 close friends). I am comfortable with them, and loved their support. I also had very supportive nurses with both deliveries, which I loved. I did miss having my sister the second time around, so she is coming out and will try to be here this time.

My H is a big part of the birthing process, but I do like having someone else there who can give him a break. Especially with the overnight part. It was important to me both times that after the birth I could crash and trust that he had gotten enough sleep that his full attention was on baby and my well being, and that he's wake me when needed. Especially with my first, I was awake for 2 full night's in a row for labor, and was incredibly sleep deprived. I wouldn't want us both in that position with a new baby to care for.

CPM13 · May 2016

This is my 3rd delivery (hopefully) and my first time considering a doula. Hoping to go natural this time and have felt in the past pressured to have pitocin/epidural etc. I don't feel like I need any help with the actual labor part. My husband is super supportive and helpful. But I feel like having an advocate who understands our birth plan to talk to us and the nurses would be helpful. I just feel like they are so much more experienced than we are.

CherryPicked · May 2016

Yes yes yes! Especially if you are planning on a med-free birth in a medical setting. I think it is unfair to expect my husband to know what to do to support me throughout labor, especially when he has never done it before. While the nurses are very helpful, they have other patients and cannot stay with you the whole time to give you tips and support you.

I labored without medication with my first daughter and both my husband and I really appreciated having an expert with us to help guide us. She helped to reassure us that labor was progressing and that some of the unexpected aspects of labor were normal. She also helped by giving my husband a break when he needed it and reminding him to eat. I don't know if I would have avoided pain medications if she had not been there. Worth every penny in my opinion!

jrussell16 · May 2016

I've been trying to decide whether or not to go the doula route. You all have made some great points. Did you all use a doula during pregnancy, birth and post partum? The one that was recommended to us offers packages with each. I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to go with all three.

sugar9277 · May 2016

I think it really depends on your birth plan. Between my hospital nurses and an amazing epidural, all of my base were covered when i had my first. My husband was also there, so really I didn't need any extra hand- holding or other support.
You probably need either an epidural or a doula- depends on your preference

Roxell · May 2016

When I had my DD I was literally at the hospital for an hour, there really wouldn't have been much I would have needed a doula for. I won't be having one again this time. I don't think it's something I need. Plus my SIL is a doula so if I really want one I'm sure she would free of charge. That's not happening though.

Thewizardofrhythm · May 2016

I think having a doula is worth it med free or not. We had one and it was worth every penny. Like others have said, having an advocate can be essential in the hospital setting. But for us, it ended up being so important because things didn't go as planned and we really needed that extra support.
I originally contacted with our doula because I wanted support during my intended peaceful unmedicated birth. It didn't quite go down that way.... I was in labor for over a day after being induced. Baby was sunnyside up which equals the worst labor pain one can experience. Ultimately I got an epidural but I developed an infection and was fading in and out of consciousness so thy stopped it. I pushed for three and half hours and ultimately had my baby pulled out of me with forceps. I cannot express how grateful I was that our doula was there to guide us. She was a life saver. This is not to say DH wasn't an amazing support, he was freakin awesome but he was terrified and exhausted. Our doula supported him too by being there for me when he needed an emotional and physical break. And our OB and nurses were incredible too, but their role is to get that baby out, not to put your hair up out of your face, or adjust your oxygen mask because it's hurting the bridge of your nose, or massage your thighs because they convulsing from being in a squat position so long. She supported us both immensely through out arguably the worst night of both of our lives. I was grateful there was someone there exclusivity paying attention to our needs and advocating for us. She even went into the waiting room after and told our families what happened because after we just wanted to be alone with our son for a while and I was so freaked I didn't want DH leaving my side.

Birth is certainly not always how it was for me. But even if things had been easier, I think it's so worth the extra support.

A post partum doula is absolutely essential. She/he teaches you everything you need to know about caring for the baby, can help with breastfeeding and usually will support you in other ways like massage or caring for baby while you rest.

I think the prebirth coaching is not worth it except for that you get to know the doula before the birth.

jarethinafrock · May 2016

I am currently expecting baby number 2. With our first, we considered hiring a doula but then ultimately decided we would go without one. We took Bradley Method classes, which are super intense (3 hour weekly classes for 12 weeks) but also super helpful. My husband went from cracking jokes about hanging out in the waiting room with a box of cigars to being in there with me and coaching me through my 16 hours of med free labour. It was an amazing and intimate experience. If anyone is interested in more info about the Bradley method, I'll be happy to share.

NatashaSprout · May 2016

Roxell said:

When I had my DD I was literally at the hospital for an hour, there really wouldn't have been much I would have needed a doula for. I won't be having one again this time. I don't think it's something I need. Plus my SIL is a doula so if I really want one I'm sure she would free of charge. That's not happening though.

This is pretty much how both of mine went. DD1 was 2 hours 25 minutes. DS2 was 52 minutes. It was like drive thru birthing. We didn't even spend the night.

Knottie1458416769 · May 2016

@NatashaSprout I like your logic - I showed DH ur first post and he grinned and said I'll power thru with you lol

NatashaSprout · May 2016

@Knottie1458416769 I love that!!! My DH is the same way. He's said I'll be whatever you need me to be in there. I'm ready! Very empowering!

Roxell · May 2016

@NatashaSprout omg 52 minutes!? I hope my 2nd won't be that fast! I live about 45 from the hospital.

FiancB · May 2016

I think I will try to get one. The hospital I'll likely go to is pretty crunchy, and actually trains them and will provide them for free if there's someone who just needs more hours. I think it would be good to have a supportive presence there, and while MH is supportive and will do what he can, he's squeamish, rather neurotic, and pretty clueless. I would not be surprised if he fainted or ended up hyperventilating in a corner. It'll be nice to have someone around who has been there done that to keep us both calm. Otherwise, if my sister can come she would be good too, but she lives in WA and I'm in MN so it's unlikely.

Roxell · May 2016

@FiancB hey I'm in MN too!

NatashaSprout · May 2016

@Roxell he was 16 days overdue. They started pitocin at 0900. He was born at 0952. He was beyond ready to go. After the pit jump started that first contraction he was ready to go!

ETA I was an August 05 birth board. He was due August 24th and came sept 9th.

thatlauragirl · May 2016

Hmm, I haven't even considered it because I'll be having a RCS but I didn't realize they also had postpartum services. That might be a godsend for me as I desperately want to breastfeed and hopefully avoid a repeat of the PPD I went through last time.

PurpleBrunette · May 2016

NatashaSprout said:

You all are so nice not wanting to expect too much from DH. I'm not sleeping, I'm in pain. He can stay up and do the whole thing with me. It took two of us to create this and I'm not the only one doing work here. If I can labor for hours he can rub my back for hours. We are a team whether he likes it or not. Last time I checked I didn't get a short break and neither does he!

THIS!!! My thoughts exactly. If I'm going through a 15 hour labor without any breaks or rest, then so is he! It took two to tango. Luckily it's not really a discussion in our house as we both seem to be on the same page with everything.

shevaCC · May 2016

I would love a post partum doula, but consider that a luxury we don't necessarily need and probably won't get. I only ever knew of one person who has used a post partum doula and always considered them in the realm of celebrities and the very wealthy. If you find an affordable one, go for it! However, I personally consider a birth doula (or an epidural, but that's not my thing) essential. Funny enough, the way my health plan charged things last time those two things ended up being very similar out of pocket costs.

Thewizardofrhythm · May 2016

@shevaCC every doula I met with when seeking ours included post partum hours as part of their service. Maybe you should see if the doula you've used is an anomaly? Or maybe it's a location thing...

een23 · May 2016

I'll be using a doula this time. This is my second and last time my labor was extremely prolonged. I had hoped to make it without an epidural but after being awake for 28hrs without eating I was exhausted (I still had another 15hrs before she was born). My DH was extremely supportive but he couldn't anticipate everything I needed. Neither of us had the experience to recognize how slow I was progressing. He didn't know that even though I had no desire to eat that I should anyway to keep my strength up. This time I will appreciate having someone there to keep the entire process in mind.

And my doula will end up being cheaper than the epidural was. The birth center I'm using has doulas on staff that are less expensive than the average price in our area. Most of them are interns in their final 6 months before certification. So if they can help me achieve my goal of making it med-free, it will even save us some money!

Wow, this ended up being quite the novel...oops!

shevaCC · May 2016

@Thewizardofrhythm, I'm used to birth doulas coming back once or maybe twice post partum to check up on you and to discuss the birth experience. But none of the ones around here (I know 2, and have interviewed 2 more) do night-nurse-type tasks (take night feedings so you can sleep, change and rock the baby overnight). They focus on the mom, not baby care tasks. This is my understanding of what a post partum doula does -- hands on baby care assistance with some night coverage.

Around you, do you know what the post partum hours are for? Do birth doulas also provide baby care services or is it time to talk about the birth?

ficbot · May 2016

I have thought about this. My husband has a chronic illness and is immune compromised. If he is not at 100% or if we are there a long time and he starts to worry about the germs in the hospital, it might be good to have another person there. But the diabetes gene is strong in both of our families. His sister had to have scheduled c-sections for both of hers. So I am not sure we should spend extra money if it might not take that long anyway.

Thewizardofrhythm · May 2016

@shevaCC yes, main focus is on mom. They are not a babysitter. But they provide the knowledge for babycare. For example, how to wear the sling or moby, how to diaper, how to bathe, how to use breast pump, breast feeding trouble shooting etc. A night nurse provides the night and actual baby care stuff. And they also teach baby care. And yes, they are very expensive. Like $400 HR expensive. But night nurses have no training so I don't understand for the life of me why people would use them to learn about babycare. its a completely unregulated business that doesn't even require a certification. I get the night service part if you're not breast feeding and need a break. That sounds kind of great (except for the stranger in your home during a very vulnerable and intimate time part). But what's the point if you are?

MrsBigTime · May 2016

I strongly considered one for my first, but because of finances, we were limited to student/very low cost ones and I contacted many but they were unable to help because I was due around Christmas.

I was very nervous to see how my DH would do when push literally came to shove (especially considering he is typically pretty nervous when I am unwell), but he absolutely rocked my world and far exceeded any expectation I may or may not have had! He literally held me up as I delivered our daughter and he was the best labor support I could have asked for!

That being said, I had a lovely nurse supporting us and a great team of Midwives (one was a newly hired MW in training and one was my primary MW) who were great at suggesting positions/coping techniques, etc. I was very supported and also felt very strong during the process (until just before I started pushing, I went into full on "I can't do this anymore!" mode! But, alas, I did.).

Also, my labor was fairly quick (12 hours total, with only 4 at the hospital), so my experience is totally different from someone who labored long and hard. I did a majority of laboring at home, using my birth ball and my bed to try to brace myself during each contraction. So much of what made my last birth so lovely was simply my daughter's positioning and the way my body responded to labor. Thankfully, it went just as it was supposed to and I didn't experience any complications.

Considering birth this time, we will not be hiring a doula, but I think they are wonderful resources to have should it work out for your family!

MrsBigTime · May 2016

PurpleBrunette said:

NatashaSprout said:

You all are so nice not wanting to expect too much from DH. I'm not sleeping, I'm in pain. He can stay up and do the whole thing with me. It took two of us to create this and I'm not the only one doing work here. If I can labor for hours he can rub my back for hours. We are a team whether he likes it or not. Last time I checked I didn't get a short break and neither does he!

THIS!!! My thoughts exactly. If I'm going through a 15 hour labor without any breaks or rest, then so is he! It took two to tango. Luckily it's not really a discussion in our house as we both seem to be on the same page with everything.

I agree with this 100%. Unless your DH has a medical reason or extenuating circumstances, I think your husband should totally be your partner in birth! I think it's easy to not give our husbands the benefit of the doubt because we don't know how they will act, but, really, they can (and will!) shine and their flurry of anxiety and nervousness during the situation will also be powered by how freaking bad-ass their wife is and because they love you and are so proud of you, they will WANT to support you however you need it. It's doing them a disservice to expect them to do nothing. Birth is powerful for both people, and I think even more so when DH is right there in the thick of it with you.

And girl, watching your husband care for you newborn makes you love them so much more - but knowing they walked step for step with you during your most challenging physical feat of your life? Oh man. Your heart isn't even ready for the explosion that is about to happen! I still get teary when I think of how well DH cared for me. I am so, so proud to be married to him and seriously consider myself the luckiest girl to have him beside me.

Ok, sorry for all that sap, I'm actually typing on the computer so my words like to really flow!

XmomX · May 2016

Thewizardofrhythm said:

I think having a doula is worth it med free or not. We had one and it was worth every penny. Like others have said, having an advocate can be essential in the hospital setting. But for us, it ended up being so important because things didn't go as planned and we really needed that extra support.
I originally contacted with our doula because I wanted support during my intended peaceful unmedicated birth. It didn't quite go down that way.... I was in labor for over a day after being induced. Baby was sunnyside up which equals the worst labor pain one can experience. Ultimately I got an epidural but I developed an infection and was fading in and out of consciousness so thy stopped it. I pushed for three and half hours and ultimately had my baby pulled out of me with forceps. I cannot express how grateful I was that our doula was there to guide us. She was a life saver. This is not to say DH wasn't an amazing support, he was freakin awesome but he was terrified and exhausted. Our doula supported him too by being there for me when he needed an emotional and physical break. And our OB and nurses were incredible too, but their role is to get that baby out, not to put your hair up out of your face, or adjust your oxygen mask because it's hurting the bridge of your nose, or massage your thighs because they convulsing from being in a squat position so long. She supported us both immensely through out arguably the worst night of both of our lives. I was grateful there was someone there exclusivity paying attention to our needs and advocating for us. She even went into the waiting room after and told our families what happened because after we just wanted to be alone with our son for a while and I was so freaked I didn't want DH leaving my side.

Birth is certainly not always how it was for me. But even if things had been easier, I think it's so worth the extra support.

A post partum doula is absolutely essential. She/he teaches you everything you need to know about caring for the baby, can help with breastfeeding and usually will support you in other ways like massage or caring for baby while you rest.

I think the prebirth coaching is not worth it except for that you get to know the doula before the birth.

All of this! We had a very very similar story. After 36 hours labor much of which was at home I was so thankful for my doula. My husband was tired and very scared especially after so much time passed. I plan on hiring her this time too.

Seattleite86 · May 2016

First time as well - ive already signed up for a doula. I decided to go with one because the thing i am most afraid of is being afraid, and i feel like having a team with me at the hospital (husband, my lovely midwife and my doula) will keep me from being afraid. Plus, my doula center is a team and they provide a lot more than just being present at the birth. There are monthly meetings that you can start going to once we sign up so i can meet other moms, hear stories etc. They have classes and yoga and included is breast feeding guidance and post partum checkups. Its not cheap but compared to a lot of areas it is. For me i know the cost is worth it for extra peace of mind.

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