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October 2016 Moms
ladyshark311
member
Need advice...not PG related not sure where to put this!
ladyshark311
member
So I suffer from anxiety pretty badly which is a side effect/coincides with OCD. (Not like hey I like my pantry organized but legit OCD). I take meds and have it well under control and it's been surprisingly tame this entire pregnancy until this last week or so.
The story as to why: My FI lost his Grandfather on Friday, he hasn't seen him in years and doesn't talk to his Dad or that side of the family at all. I've never met any of them and he doesn't know most of them. Anyway, he's gone into shutdown mode the last two days and I've tried not to take it personally that he's texting his Mom, his sister and been on his phone 24/7 playing games or talking to everyone besides me. I even went to bed upset last night because I felt rejected that he stayed in the living room on his xbox then came to bed way after me and fell asleep when I made it obvious I was feeling in the mood. Today was a lot better we had a great day but then his Mom gets the idea that she's going to buy him a plane ticket for the funeral. I don't get talked to about it and I'm just trying to be supportive and swallow my feelings. This is going to leave me by myself with all of "our" kids, my two and the four stepkids. My days are incredibly stressful when I have him here for help as it is. On top of that, we have tickets that we paid for this Wednesday night to see the Lion King which we would miss. He's also newer at his job so he wouldn't get paid for the time missed and we can't afford it.
Im honestly just about in tears and I don't even know how to tell him or if I even should. I literally feel like I'm living with a total stranger currently that is talking to everyone but me and it's making me on the verge of a panic attack and my normal calming methods aren't working.
Sorry this is so long, I would appreciate any feedback/positive thoughts/negative etc.
The story as to why: My FI lost his Grandfather on Friday, he hasn't seen him in years and doesn't talk to his Dad or that side of the family at all. I've never met any of them and he doesn't know most of them. Anyway, he's gone into shutdown mode the last two days and I've tried not to take it personally that he's texting his Mom, his sister and been on his phone 24/7 playing games or talking to everyone besides me. I even went to bed upset last night because I felt rejected that he stayed in the living room on his xbox then came to bed way after me and fell asleep when I made it obvious I was feeling in the mood. Today was a lot better we had a great day but then his Mom gets the idea that she's going to buy him a plane ticket for the funeral. I don't get talked to about it and I'm just trying to be supportive and swallow my feelings. This is going to leave me by myself with all of "our" kids, my two and the four stepkids. My days are incredibly stressful when I have him here for help as it is. On top of that, we have tickets that we paid for this Wednesday night to see the Lion King which we would miss. He's also newer at his job so he wouldn't get paid for the time missed and we can't afford it.
Im honestly just about in tears and I don't even know how to tell him or if I even should. I literally feel like I'm living with a total stranger currently that is talking to everyone but me and it's making me on the verge of a panic attack and my normal calming methods aren't working.
Sorry this is so long, I would appreciate any feedback/positive thoughts/negative etc.
Re: Need advice...not PG related not sure where to put this!
Do do you have any family or friends that could come help you balance everything while he's away?
LFAF April Siggy: TV/Movie BFFs
BFP #4 1/2016, DD born 10/2016
BFP #1 January 28, 2016
Felicity Joy, born September 2, 2016
My Chart
BFP #2 September 11, 2020
EDD May 23, 2021
All of our family is in MA and we have two close friends here that I'm sure will come if I need them (the ones we were to go to Lion King with).
I appreciate the comments, we have a rule where we don't tell family and close friends our "issues" but sometimes you just need to vent.
One thing we did was fly to the city in which she was buried (long story short, her husband never told us she had passed away so we weren't at the funeral) and that allowed DH to grieve and come to terms with what had happened. Perhaps your husband needs the same: to go to the funeral and figure out his emotions. I wouldn't challenge him on that, personally. As others have said, try to figure out a support system that can be there for YOU during his absence -- but I do think it's important he go.
As as for the game on his phone: eesh, it sucks he's so absorbed with it but now isn't the time to bring it up. I'm guessing he needs to check out a little bit and that's his way of doing so.
PM me if you need any support during this, I've been there and know how hard it is when a partner disappears in grief. Hang in there!
BFP #1 January 28, 2016
Felicity Joy, born September 2, 2016
My Chart
BFP #2 September 11, 2020
EDD May 23, 2021
My point in this long story is that sometimes you have to go through these things together once or twice before you learn how to actually go through them as a team. Let him grieve, but talk to him afterwards. Let him know that you are his partner and want to be there for him. Let him know that it hurts you when he doesn't open up and let you in.
As for the game, you can mention it, but sometimes those things just have to run their course. My hubby has gotten addicted to so many phone games over the years and it always blows over. It's not worth the fight to me anymore. But if it bothers you, you should express that. Never feel like you can't tell him when something is bothering you, even when it's something little or kind of silly.
O16 April Siggy
It sounds like couple's therapy would also be helpful. If you can't constructively discuss problems and he "bullies" you, you're experiencing some significant warning signs. And you're not setting the example for your kids that I'm sure you want to.
I'd allow him time to grieve j his own way , but let him know that you are there for him. Everyone deals with loss in their own way. It sounds like he has other issues and this death in the famiky is adding to the list. It also sounds like he is a having regrets for not being close, he probably needs time to work through that as well.
I know it's hard dealing with all six kids, but death never really comes at a "good time". Maybe if you explain to the older ones what's going on, they can help with the younger ones.
ETA: I agree with the counseling suggestions. They can be so helpful.
O16 April Siggy
DH lost his dad very unexpectedly in January. He was a wreck. The first person he wanted to talk to was his mom and sister. There were days that he didn't want to talk about it to me at all leading up to FIL's death (FIL was in the hospital for 3 weeks and died from congestive heart failure). The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with is seeing the person I love the most in this world hurt and in pain and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. What made it worse was there were many times I didn't feel like he needed me. Yeah, it hurts that he wanted and needed his mom in that moment than his own wife but you know what? That's how it is. While FIL and I were extremely close, I could never be as close to him as DH was or MIL was and they shared that loss in a different way. After the funeral and everything was done and people were gone, that's when DH needed me. He just needed to break down like he couldn't with his mom because he was being strong for her.
For now while he is dealing with this loss (no matter how close you think he was to his grandpa, he is still suffering from a loss of someone that maybe he never had the relationship he wanted to with him and feels sad and guilty because of it), you need to just be there for when he does need you because eventually he will. After feeling upset that I didn't think my husband needed me, I realized how extremely selfish it was to expect that. The grieving process is different for everyone.
It seems also from your posts that some of these issues aren't necessarily new. I think in time the two of you need a serious conversation about expectations and if that approach doesn't work then I think couple's therapy is a good and safe place to talk about it.
Dating: 10/3/08 | Married: 12/27/14
TTC #1: August 2015 | BFP: 2/3/16 | EDD: 10/7/16
DD: 10/5/16
TTC #2: September 2017 | BFP: 4/28/18 | EDD: 1/7/19
DS: 1/9/19
I wasn't upset with him for wanting to go, I understand and support that. What upset me was he made that decision on his own, didn't even talk to me and just went ahead and got a ticket. To me, that lack of communication is not acceptable whether grieving or not. He got the ticket through his Mom and the two of them just did it and I was told after the fact.