Need advice...not PG related not sure where to put this!

ladyshark311

So I suffer from anxiety pretty badly which is a side effect/coincides with OCD. (Not like hey I like my pantry organized but legit OCD). I take meds and have it well under control and it's been surprisingly tame this entire pregnancy until this last week or so. 

The story as to why: My FI lost his Grandfather on Friday, he hasn't seen him in years and doesn't talk to his Dad or that side of the family at all. I've never met any of them and he doesn't know most of them. Anyway, he's gone into shutdown mode the last two days and I've tried not to take it personally that he's texting his Mom, his sister and been on his phone 24/7 playing games or talking to everyone besides me. I even went to bed upset last night because I felt rejected that he stayed in the living room on his xbox then came to bed way after me and fell asleep when I made it obvious I was feeling in the mood. Today was a lot better we had a great day but then his Mom gets the idea that she's going to buy him a plane ticket for the funeral. I don't get talked to about it and I'm just trying to be supportive and swallow my feelings. This is going to leave me by myself with all of "our" kids, my two and the four stepkids. My days are incredibly stressful when I have him here for help as it is. On top of that, we have tickets that we paid for this Wednesday night to see the Lion King which we would miss. He's also newer at his job so he wouldn't get paid for the time missed and we can't afford it. 

Im honestly just about in tears and I don't even know how to tell him or if I even should. I literally feel like I'm living with a total stranger currently that is talking to everyone but me and it's making me on the verge of a panic attack and my normal calming methods aren't working.

Sorry this is so long, I would appreciate any feedback/positive thoughts/negative etc.

AshleyGemini24

I think you need to give the man time to grieve. Family is family

PeggyOlsonFTW

I wouldn't say anything to him. Whether or not he was close to his grandfather, he still suffered a loss and he needs to grieve and get closure. I'm sorry you feel like he's ignoring you, but everybody grieves differently. Give him whatever space he needs right now, but also let him know you're there for him if he needs anything. 

Do do you have any family or friends that could come help you balance everything while he's away?

mkc3888

I would talk to him about how you're feeling.  Also be sensitive to him.  I wouldn't ask him to not go, especially if he has a way to go.  Can the step kids mother help while he is away?  Who is your in your support system?  You may want to reach out to others.  When we are grieving it's hard to be there for others.  I would be careful to not attack DH while you are talking to him.  

ladyshark311

I should've added this because I think it's really my underlying problem. He started playing this new game on his phone two weeks ago and he's on it ALL the time and now started chatting with people on it. This past weekend it was awful like I didn't even exist. I can't say anything now because  of the timing really. We were an on again off again for a long time and he would always shut me out when he was going to leave so I think it's those old feelings affecting me and I'm trying to be rational.

All of our family is in MA and we have two close friends here that I'm sure will come if I need them (the ones we were to go to Lion King with). 

I appreciate the comments, we have a rule where we don't tell family and close friends our "issues" but sometimes you just need to vent.

kmalls

Ugh I'm sorry you're going through this. About a month ago my husband's sister passed away and it was awful. They had a VERY rocky relationship and hadn't spoken for about a year prior to her death, but it hit him hard just the same. Like your husband, my DH basically shut down for a while. I let him do whatever he needed to do to get through it, and he did come out the other side.

One thing we did was fly to the city in which she was buried (long story short, her husband never told us she had passed away so we weren't at the funeral) and that allowed DH to grieve and come to terms with what had happened. Perhaps your husband needs the same: to go to the funeral and figure out his emotions. I wouldn't challenge him on that, personally. As others have said, try to figure out a support system that can be there for YOU during his absence -- but I do think it's important he go. 

As as for the game on his phone: eesh, it sucks he's so absorbed with it but now isn't the time to bring it up. I'm guessing he needs to check out a little bit and that's his way of doing so. 

PM me if you need any support during this, I've been there and know how hard it is when a partner disappears in grief. Hang in there!

ladyshark311

@mkc3888 Their Mom is pretty much useless and only sees them once a month and that is always a disaster for one reason or another. I definitely won't tell him not to go. He's a difficult person to talk to, he suffers from PTSD and hasn't been on his meds for a long time and every conversation he just turns into a bully and there's no "talking". I end up keeping a lot to myself because it's not worth it.

mkc3888

I don't know if you've been to a therapist in the past, but if you have it might be a good idea to make an appointment, especially if they already know the back story.  It can be really nice to talk to someone who isn't biased or immersed in the situation.  I'm sorry you have to go through this.  It's tough to feel alone when your spouse can't be there emotionally or otherwise.  I hope you can get to a point where you can communicate better.  

br0co1ii

Ugh. I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. Sometimes DH checks out and plays his Xbox WAY too much. It usually gets better, but with a new game this time around, it was non-stop for months. I had to ask for help with things around the house, and even then, it was rarely attended to because he was so lost in the game that he didn't realize how much time had passed. I definitely had that "stranger" feeling with him, and it was bad for awhile. I never figured out how to get him to stop, he just got bored with it, and moved on to other thibgs, which luckily, included me. Sorry that I don't have much advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that I understand, and I hope you find some support while he's away.

ladyshark311

Thank you all so very much, I almost didn't post because I didn't want to be a SS but this BMB has really become a great support system and its always good to hear words/advice/encouragement from others who are unbiased. I know everyone deals with death so differently, I talk and talk and let it all out and he's clearly not that sort of person. I'm trying to be the "silent" strong support but he may just need something else from me and I guess it really wouldn't hurt to ask!

krzyriver

My husband was not good about opening up when we first got together. The only reason he lets me in when he's upset now is because a friend's brother died shortly after we got together.  He wasn't very close with the person, but had known him forever and had, at one point in his past, considered ending his life like this person had. So it was tough in anstrange way for him. But I had just had a MC and was dealing with that, so it was difficult to hide my feelings about being shut out and ignored while he grieved. He approached me and apologized (I still feel guilty to this day) and then opened up to me and completely broke down. I tore some walls down that day that have, thankfully, stayed down. 

My point in this long story is that sometimes you have to go through these things together once or twice before you learn how to actually go through them as a team. Let him grieve, but talk to him afterwards. Let him know that you are his partner and want to be there for him. Let him know that it hurts you when he doesn't open up and let you in. 

As for the game, you can mention it, but sometimes those things just have to run their course. My hubby has gotten addicted to so many phone games over the years and it always blows over. It's not worth the fight to me anymore. But if it bothers you, you should express that. Never feel like you can't tell him when something is bothering you, even when it's something little or kind of silly.

jillianpardo

I agree with whoever suggested talking to a therapist. I understand your frustration with the games. I'm in the same boat.

FemShep

I think your partner needs to see a therapist. If he has PTSD and isn't taking his meds, and he's disassociating, the situation is serious. 

It sounds like couple's therapy would also be helpful. If you can't constructively discuss problems and he "bullies" you, you're experiencing some significant warning signs. And you're not setting the example for your kids that I'm sure you want to. 

AshleyGemini24

My response was kinda rude.  I apologize. I should know better than. To bump when in a bad mood. Anyway..... 

I'd allow him time to grieve j  his own way , but let him know that you are there for him. Everyone deals with loss in their own way. It sounds like he has other issues and this death in the famiky is adding to the list. It also sounds like he is a having regrets for not being close, he probably needs time to work through that as well. 

I know it's hard dealing with all six kids, but death never really comes at a "good time". Maybe if you explain to the older ones what's going on, they can help with the younger ones. 

krzyriver

I don't know how I missed the part about the PTSD and the bullying. If that's the case, I second the counseling suggestion. Careful how you bring it up tho. When I suggested counseling to my husband years ago, he was very resistant. He hated the idea until he realized he was going to lose me if things didn't change. Sometimes men have a hard time with things like that because of that stupid macho idea that men don't ask for help.

Pupatella

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would gently talk to him. I understand that he is grieving a loss, but he can't just leave you on your own with all the kids without at least discussing it with you. Just make it clear that you are a team, and you want to be there for him. I'd ask what he wants to do and go from there. I hope he comes around!

ETA: I agree with the counseling suggestions. They can be so helpful.

jillianpardo

I wanted to clarify a bit. I meant therapy for you.  Others have suggested therapy for him and couples. I agree that those would be helpful based on the info you shared but I'm not sure if he will be open to either of those things right now. A therapist for you would help you sort out your feelings and help you cope with the situation you are in. The therapist can also help you figure out how to broach the topic of couples counseling or counseling for him.

emmaaa

I'm sorry you and your FI are having to deal with this. I do understand how you feel so I'm going to try to give you some harsh advice.

DH lost his dad very unexpectedly in January. He was a wreck. The first person he wanted to talk to was his mom and sister. There were days that he didn't want to talk about it to me at all leading up to FIL's death (FIL was in the hospital for 3 weeks and died from congestive heart failure). The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with is seeing the person I love the most in this world hurt and in pain and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. What made it worse was there were many times I didn't feel like he needed me. Yeah, it hurts that he wanted and needed his mom in that moment than his own wife but you know what? That's how it is. While FIL and I were extremely close, I could never be as close to him as DH was or MIL was and they shared that loss in a different way. After the funeral and everything was done and people were gone, that's when DH needed me. He just needed to break down like he couldn't with his mom because he was being strong for her.

For now while he is dealing with this loss (no matter how close you think he was to his grandpa, he is still suffering from a loss of someone that maybe he never had the relationship he wanted to with him and feels sad and guilty because of it), you need to just be there for when he does need you because eventually he will. After feeling upset that I didn't think my husband needed me, I realized how extremely selfish it was to expect that. The grieving process is different for everyone.

It seems also from your posts that some of these issues aren't necessarily new. I think in time the two of you need a serious conversation about expectations and if that approach doesn't work then I think couple's therapy is a good and safe place to talk about it.

blaf322

Nothing more to add outside of what some of the PP have said. Just wanted to pop in to let you know someone else is thinking about you.

ladyshark311

Thank you again to everyone, I've definitely thought about the counseling/therapy route and never knew how to approach it. I think the suggestion of going by myself and then broaching the couples thing would work. He has put off the meds thing because he moved from MA to VA and it's a "pain" to switch from one Veteran Hospital to another but it's gotten to the point where it's affecting everyone in our household. It's one of those things where as I am sure some of you know, you can't force someone to do it they have to do it on their own.

I wasn't upset with him for wanting to go, I understand and support that. What upset me was he made that decision on his own, didn't even talk to me and just went ahead and got a ticket. To me, that lack of communication is not acceptable whether grieving or not. He got the ticket through his Mom and the two of them just did it and I was told after the fact.