Should a kid know he's de?

Angelic789 · April 2016

Hi, all!
A year ago we started egg donation course in Ukraine, Biotexcom, and I got pregnant after shot#3. It was great success as I have a complicated medical history. (Years of TTC, 2 miscarriages in a row 6 years ago.) That time we were just blessed. But now being in the 3rd trimester I started to think...Should parents tell their children that they came from an egg of another woman or no? I have not even told my friends and colleagues about this.
From another hand I have no right to hide this forever. I believe I should tell my kid in an age appropriate way. We used donor egg to conceive my son. I did a fair bit of reading on this before going ahead. Most of what I've read says it's better for the child to know. If they somehow find out later, as an adult for example (and you weren't open with them) they could feel very angry. So we need let him also make his choice whether to meet his donor one day or not (if it’s possible).
Right now I feel I don't have to share it with anyone else. Just to avoid rumors.

You know people are too unfair nowadays. The way I also see it is that my son's birth story and conception information belongs to him. He can share it with whoever he wants when he's old enough. In the meantime, I think I will only share this information with my closest friends.
I would like to know what you, guys, think about this? Maybe someone has similar experience?

saladflambe · April 2016

I don't have experience, but I do believe it is in a person's best interest to know if for no other reason than it means his biological medical history is affected. He'll need to be able to pass that along to doctors.

vinerie · April 2016

No personal experience, but your approach and ideas seem thoughtful. GL to you on a H&H rest of your pregnancy!

kwrightnb · April 2016

I wasn't going to comment on this because it's hard to 'imagine' yourself in this kind of situation, and things may be different if it actually were the way my life went, but I have been thinking about it all day and thought I'd add my two cents

i think your right for thinking that your child deserves to know (it could potentially be upsetting to find out in a bad way as an adult).. But deciding how and when to introduce this to him may be a bit hard.
I think an age appropriate way would be when he's a couple years old and starts wondering 'where babies come from?' And you give the classic 'from outter space' 'or when two people love each other a baby falls from the sky' you just try to incorporate that third person involved. Like ''mommy and daddy wanted you SO badly, and we wanted to make sure you were perfect so we asked for some help from (said third person) and we were blessed with you"
then as he gets older and learns the reproductive system you can continue to just incorporate the specific details. This is your baby just as much as my baby is my baby, and personally I kind of think the way you conceived is really special. You wanted your little one so badly, and went the extra mile to create the perfect little human

sorry this turned into such a huge reply

hope I was a little bit of help!!

mcb2016 · April 2016

I know this isn't exactly the same situation but my first son was adopted. We wrote him our own little story of how he came to join our family. We read it to him so it would always be something he knew. There was no *surprise* moment when we sat down and told him his history. He does not like to share the fact that he was adopted with other people and that is his choice. I would be careful telling a lot of family/friends about how your child was conceived especially if you are not sure when you will tell him/her. You want to make sure that information comes from you not a distant family member or friend!

CecilB93 · April 2016

As someone who's discovered a big secret about myself, I agree that he needs to be told by you eventually.
I was doing a homework assignment in eighth grade once and was talking on the phone with a friend about how I couldn't make it work. We were doing punnent squares for hair color. My mom's is red, dad's is black, sister's is brown, and mine is blonde. There's no way that's possible. My friend then made the comment, "didn't you know your dad isn't your real dad?" I didn't believe her at first. I did after she told me that she had overheard our parents talking about it once. At 13, I was devastated, and finding out that way was probably worse than my mom telling me on her own. I confided in my mom that night and she told me the truth and we both cried over it. I haven't ever asked if she was going to tell me or not, but I feel like I would have taken it a lot better hearing it from her rather than my best friend - it kind of hurt that she knew and I didn't, even though I know she wasn't supposed to know.

Definitely be careful about who you tell, and make sure they know if you plan to tell your LO or not, and if so when you plan to. It will be so much better hearing it from you rather than someone else. I agree it is important to tell him for medical purposes, I still forget that my dad's history and genetics aren't my history and genetics.

ashleyrobertson0113 · April 2016

In my personal opinion you should tell him in an age appropriate way when the time is right. I think the fact that you wanted to have him so much that you were willing to go through all that stress and hardship is beautiful.

J1D · April 2016

I know for adoption many people just put some of the adoption papers in the baby photo album so the info is always there and the kiddos know about it before they really understand it and it just seems normal to them.
If it's going to be a secret from others I'm not really sure how to handle it but for your child do you have an ultrasound or something with the clinic info you can put in his baby book? Then he can always see it and then when he's ready ask for details.

agradi · April 2016

Coming from the place of a birth mom, and having a friend who had to use an egg donor to conceive her daughter, I say let him know. My husband and I will always be a part of our first child's life. We have a great relationship with her parents and she will always know that we are "hers". I think there are a million ways to have a family and the most important part is that the child knows unconditional love.

peregrinefalconx · April 2016

Absolutely. Also, please feel free to check out the "3rd party reproduction board." It's not all that active but has great stories, answers, resources.

All current research says to tell and start early. That way it is just part of the baby's story. You don't have to tell everyone, but they will eventually need to know for medical reasons. You don't want a "big reveal" with the kid at 13. It could/would seriously hurt and create trust issues.

We plan to tell our daughter and start with age appropriate information. There are children's books, etc. Who else you choose to tell is up to you--it's your family's business. All of my friends know, some of my co-workers, and I'm trying to figure out if I should tell extended family. But it's really between you, your son, and his doctor.

2-Step · April 2016

kwrightnb said:

I wasn't going to comment on this because it's hard to 'imagine' yourself in this kind of situation, and things may be different if it actually were the way my life went, but I have been thinking about it all day and thought I'd add my two cents
i think your right for thinking that your child deserves to know (it could potentially be upsetting to find out in a bad way as an adult).. But deciding how and when to introduce this to him may be a bit hard.
I think an age appropriate way would be when he's a couple years old and starts wondering 'where babies come from?' And you give the classic 'from outter space' 'or when two people love each other a baby falls from the sky' you just try to incorporate that third person involved. Like ''mommy and daddy wanted you SO badly, and we wanted to make sure you were perfect so we asked for some help from (said third person) and we were blessed with you"
then as he gets older and learns the reproductive system you can continue to just incorporate the specific details. This is your baby just as much as my baby is my baby, and personally I kind of think the way you conceived is really special. You wanted your little one so badly, and went the extra mile to create the perfect little human
sorry this turned into such a huge reply hope I was a little bit of help!!

I agree with this. I have a friend that had an egg donor and she consulted with psychologists about the best way to tell her children (three from different donors) and she determined it was best to tell it as a special story from the very beginning. That way it is not a shock and it is just part of their life story and history like every other family story.

Should a kid know he's de?

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