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End of rope with DH. VENT****

LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
in September 2015 Moms
The old saying: do the same thing over and over expecting different results and you will go insane?? I'm there. I'm officially imsane I guess. My DH has stepped up his game in the baby helping department. BUT he is the worlds biggest slob. Messes don't bother him. He's fine to live in them. He won't pick up after himself. I have to follow behind him with every move and put things where they go when he's finished. If I don't, a few days goes by and I have to spend HOURS picking up behind what he's left out from his daily life. Examples: cap on toothpaste, wet towels all over multiple bathrooms, toilet seat up in multiple bathrooms, dirty laundry EVERYWHERE as if he melted, mud tracked in from his shoes EVERYWHERE(because after two years he "can't remember" that I don't want shoes on inside the house), kitchen messes left and right. GOSH, don't even get me started on the kitchen. He cooks but will leave the milk out for HOURS(I have to scold him like a child and throw it out), if he used 4 spices on the meat all 4 slices will be out for DAYS until I put them away. If he makes a PB sandwich, everything he used to make the sandy will be out until I put them away, dirty dishes everywhere, never rinses dishes EVER, just lets them pile up in he sink for *lucky* me. I even leave post it notes on the sink saying DISH WASHER IS EMPTY RINSE & LOAD AS YOU GO PLEASE. Never does laundry yet changes multiple times a day. He uses our kitchen table as a dumping ground for anything. I can't. I can't keep listing it's too depressing. 

Anywho, I have begged, pleated, cried, threaten divorce(not my proudest moment), scolded like a child, I have tried reward systems(like you do with children), nice reminder notes, random 'honey do lists', I have threatened to get a cleaning person in our home. I have tried everything. I guess now is the time I just shut up and get use to picking up after him like he's a forever 4 year old?!?! 

MY main problem is I can't do any deep cleaning because I'm in a constant state of picking up after his messes. I need to wash walls(dogs), paint trim, deep clean surfaces, it's impossible when I'm picking up after him nonstop. Between picking up after myself, doing all baby laundry and bottles, and then add in his crazy messes....I can't even get a normal load of my own laundry in for DAYS. 

Side note: I 100% use our spare bathroom because he has messed up and dirtied our master bathroom so bad, I refuse to clean it. All my stuff is in a clean, organized space in the spare bathroom. He can't understand why I walk across the house to go to the bathroom at night. I know for a fact that I haven't cleaned that bathroom since I was 5 months pregnant.......and our baby is over 7 months old. You do the math. And he still uses it daily, filth and all. None of it bothers him. I have seen frat house bathrooms that looked cleaner!!!!! Ugh!!!! 

Also, we have an open concept home. So if the big kitchen is a disaster, our house looks trashed....and anyone who steps through the front door can see it all. So depressing. So I hide in this messy home, or go to other people's houses because cleaning it all to have a friend over isn't worth the two days of cleaning.

I am a SAHM...to our baby. Not my DH!!! I can't stand the "but you stay home so you pick up all the house stuff right??" My DH doesn't say this but others seem to think that's a SAHM's job. Nope. I didn't bust my ass to have a bachelors degree to pick up after my DH. I have threatened to work full time, put LO in daycare and higher cleaning people. DH knows I won't because I really want to stay home with LO for at least a few years. I can't win. 

Also...important to add: I love this man so much it hurts. If I didn't, I would have been long gone. He's willing to go to therapy but not pick up after himself?! LOL I tell him what I need from him as a equal, and he thinks it's something else and we need a professional. I'm like the only professional I need is a cleaning professional!!!!!! He doesn't want a cleaning person in the home because he things they all steal stuff***rolling eyes so hard they got stuck in the back of my head. 

Im sorry, I had to vent on here because I'm in fear that I'm scarying away my few friends that I have due to constant complaining. *hangs head in shame* I guess I'm done trying to convince him to pick up after himself. I'm out of options. I can't have the constant nagging and notes to end up just cleaning everything. 
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Re: End of rope with DH. VENT****

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    rachelkawesomerachelkawesome member
    Vent away girl! That's what we're here for :)

     Sorry you're having these issues. My husband does a lot of this stuff too, but honestly your DH sounds worse (sorry!). Maybe you SHOULD get a cleaning person. If this is a continuing problem and your DH has no interest in changing, it's probably a good investment. 
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    dAsch14dAsch14 member
    edited April 2016
    Vent away! That sounds like it really sucks. I'm sorry.
    Might  I recommend venting to some of his family or friends instead of your own? Are you close at all with his mom, sister, brother, BFF, etc.? Tell them how you're feeling so he gets it from more than you!

    Stop doing his laundry. Let him run out of clothes.
    Make a "his corner" in the kitchen or use a box. And just throw all his stuff in it so he can see it build up. ETA: dump his stuff on his side of the bed!, be sure you're on your side so he can't push it over.
    Hire a cleaning service. Show him the bills (make sure you can cancel at any time).
    Only wash enough dishes for yourself and LO - hide said clean dishes. When he asks for a dish point at the dirty ones.

    Most importantly...tell him how this makes you feel. Set aside a time to talk about it (not right after a kitchen clean up) and lay out your expectations. Ask him what he thinks is fair to do his share and come to an agreement together.

    Did he by any chance live at home right up until the two of you got together? This is the case with my SIL. Her fiance lived with his mom until they got together (he's 30!) and she is totally his maid. He had a mom-maid before her and he has one now. Not cool.
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    TechieGirl1TechieGirl1 member
    I would stop doing laundry, as well as if he is leaving his own stuff everywhere.  Start throwing it out.  I started doing that, because I love my dh but he is a packrat.  He now cleans a lot more because of this, and not wanting me to loose things on him.  I also only do laundry for me and the ds1 and ds2.  He can wash and fold his own clothes.

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    missliz53missliz53 member
    dAsch14 has some really awesome suggestions. One thing I would suggest is to put all of the stuff he leaves laying around into a garbage bag rather than piling his dirty clothes on his side of the bed. Maybe even put the bag in the garage. Then when he runs put of clothes he can sort through garbage bags full of stuff to find it and then you don't have to look at piles of his stuff. 

    Or depending on how his parents are invite them over when the house is trashed. This won't work if his mom did all the cleaning at home or if she doesn't like you, but there's nothing like getting in trouble with mom, especially when you're an adult.
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    bnwillia3bnwillia3 member
    I would totally start pushing all of his mess into a basket or bin. He would have one week to take care of it and then it would go out with the trash. I would also hire a cleaning person and use a credit card with his name on it to pay. 

    It it sounds like you have done EVERYTHING in your power to get it through to him that you need him to start cleaning. He has refused to change, so I feel like it's last resort time. Ultimately, your baby needs a clean home to live in. If he won't clean up after himself, he is creating a hazardous place for your baby to crawl, bathe, eat, sleep, and play. That can't happen, so drastic steps are warranted so that the house can stay clean and you can keep your sanity. 
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    mrsmctaggart6mrsmctaggart6 member
    edited April 2016
    dAsch14 said:

    Did he by any chance live at home right up until the two of you got together? This is the case with my SIL. Her fiance lived with his mom until they got together (he's 30!) and she is totally his maid. He had a mom-maid before her and he has one now. Not cool.
    This is my problem, I stopped doing his laundry and now he does just enough to get through the week and his dirty stuff is everywhere! I just don't have time to deal with it, absolutely ridiculous! I could've written this post, you're not alone! 
    *i do have to give him a little mitigation, we got married at 23, but still... Drives me nuts that my mil is the sweet, enabling Martha Stewart 
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    FatPonyFatPony member
    I agree with pp. Start throwing his shit on the lawn or in his vehicle - clothes, towels, dishes, garbage, everything. Then hide your towels, dishes, etc so that if he wants a plate, he has to get off his ass and find one. 

    Next, hire a cleaner bc you're doing waaaaaay too much. 

    Can an you let us know how it goes?? Good luck!
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    jen83mnjen83mn member
    So sorry! I dated a guy who was an absolute slob, so I understand your frustration! He would leave the pots and bowls from Mac and cheese laying in the sink for a week and it would smell so bad, I finally would cave and wash them! Plus, he had a Husky who shed so much that piles and piles of hair lined all the walls, and he would break out the vacuum maybe once a month. It was exhausting trying to be his maid.

    Others had great suggestions! Don't do his laundry ... he's a grown man and he can figure it out himself. Throw it all in a garbage bag; tell him he has one week to wash it himself or you're throwing it away ... and do it! If he wants to act like a child, he can be treated like one.

    Also, if he's not willing to pick up after himself, tell him you get to hire a maid to clean up after him on his dime. No discussion, that's just how it's going to be. If he's not comfortable with a maid, then he needs to take care of it. Simple as that.

    I don't necessarily know that you can turn a slob into a clean person; some people are just messy by nature while others are clean. But it's called respect. What he's doing isn't fair to you and you have enough to take care of with a new baby, and just because you're at home with the baby in no way means you have to become your husband's personal maid when he's a grown man and perfectly capable himself.

    Hope you can find a solution that works!
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    BognesBognes member
    edited April 2016
    Cleaning people can be very reliable. Don't leave out valuables. Get some references from friends. It doesn't solve the underlying problem but who is your husband to dictate on this issue? At this point he gets NO say. 
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    Kayciejoe56Kayciejoe56 member
    I'm sorry,  I don't want to sound rude,  but if you stay at home... the home is kind of your job.   That's not to say,  he doesn't have to do anything,  or that he gets to just be a path of destruction everywhere he goes.   But it does mean that a majority should fall on you.   Like a pp said, some people are just messy and that probably won't change. Ask for a few specific things, that would help.  I usually give my dh a choice,  watch the baby for an hour after dinner so I can do the dishes,  or do the dishes.   We also spend 1 hour on Sunday afternoon picking up together and preparing anything for the week.
    If you do genuinely need the help, hire the maid and relieve some of your stress.   But please don't just hire a maid out of spite.
    Men just don't think/prioritize or multi-task like we do.   He should help a little,  but cut him some slack.   Ask for what you need,  but be reasonable,  he is at work all day so he doesn't see the mess piling up.  
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    CaboBride2015CaboBride2015 member
    Your husband needs to read this... it was written by a, now divorced, man.

    https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/

    You are not alone. 
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    thinkpink101thinkpink101 member
    We have 4 boys including LO, and they as well as dh are all guilty of leaving clothes on the floor, wet towels, dirty dishes etc. and let's not even talk about the bathrooms!! I'm (mostly) a SAHM so the majority of the housework falls on me, dh works a lot so I obviously don't expect him to do a ton when it comes to the inside of the house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry & grocery shopping are my responsibilities. That said, I expect dh and the boys to show some respect. If they leave dishes/dirty clothes around the house I will remind them until they are put in the sink/laundry baskets. When they leave personal belongings I shove them in a big basket for the boys, and I put dh's stuff on his side of the bed. Once a week we all take a couple of hours to do a more thorough cleaning/pickup. 

    Have you brought up the safety issue a messy house presents for LO? Even if messes don't bother your dh personally maybe getting him thinking about creating a safe environment for LO would make him try harder?

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    mamadeezmamadeez member
    Maybe take him up on therapy. You might need a third party to help him see how important and hard it is on you to constantly clean up after him. There might be something deeper to why it doesn't bother him or why he thinks it's acceptable to have you constantly picking things up behind him. 
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    missliz53missliz53 member
    I also super disagree with the above. There is a big difference between doing the dishes, dusting, sweeping, ect and having to pick up someone's trail of dirty towels, dishes and laundry because he is too lazy to walk 5 feet to the laundry hamper. Or having him tromp through the house with muddy shoes because god forbid he has to take them off at the door and put them in the closet. 

    I tend to be a cluttered person naturally. Clutter just doesn't bother me ( nice when baby starts emptying drawers) and I get overwhelmed and anxious oking at a huge pile of dishes or a big mess and then tend not to do it at all. So I am very careful not to let it get to that point. We run the dishwasher everyday whether or not there is a full load and I have 3 laundry hampers. One of them is right next to my side of the bed so I automatically put my dirty clothes in there because I don't always have time to fold my clean clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. 
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    LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    His mother doesn't like me and she views all house work as 'my SAHM job', so inviting them over would never work!! I wish it was that easy. I have tried letting stuff go but it doesn't bother him. As pp said, he does enough to get by and then his messes add up forever. 
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    dAsch14dAsch14 member
    CaboBride2015 said:
    Your husband needs to read this... it was written by a, now divorced, man.

    https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/

    You are not alone. 
    This article is awesome!!! Wow if I had read this a few months ago I'd be printing it off and taping it to DH's forehead! Thank goodness he's realized a lot of this and no longer stands around waiting for my directions. Although it took months of what I called "Checking his work" to get to the great situation we have going on now.

    Thanks for the link!
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    abchrist1abchrist1 member
    I'm a sahm, I want to do the majority of the housework, but Dh doesn't expect me to do everything, other people do. Why do so many people expect me to keep a super clean house, do laundry, cook, grocery shop, take kids to appointments, remember/shop for shower gifts, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, wedding gifts, plan parties, rsvp to parties, visit grandparents because this set thinks the other set has seen the kids more, oh and entertain and take care of the kids on a small amount of sleep by myself? Plus, pick up after a grown man? I'm not that awesome. There's an interesting article about kin keeping (that I can't find) but all this stuff usually falls on the woman's to do lists. Including women that work outside the home
    You guys are awesome for doing all that plus work.
    I have a plan every day, I'm going to do so much, today's the day I get organized and all of the above happens. Then the kids wake up.

    When Dh isn't helping, I'll say something. Have you seen the break up? My favorite line is, "I want you to want to do the dishes". It's brilliant. No one really wants to do the dishes, but chores are a part of life and don't you want to have a clean home.  He gets it, because he's an adult, he uses the dishes, too, so he can wash them.

    I'm just ranting, sorry. I understand how frustrating it can be, my Dh was like that, still is sometimes. And I sound like a nagging broken record. Good luck, hopefully other people's suggestions will help!
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    BabyBean815BabyBean815 member
    Ugh. That sounds so frustrating for you! But I'm not sure I'd "retaliate" by not doing things. I think that may just cause more resentment between you guys. 
    Maybe start with therapy and a cleaning person. Even if you just have the cleaning person do a deep clean once a month or something. And then go to therapy to see if you can get to a meeting if the minds. 
    You might have tried this but maybe you could focus on one thing at a time for him to improve. Like just the towels. Or the toilet seat. Let him be a slob about everything else until he gets that one thing down, and then move on to something else. 
    Or another baby step could be to have a dump spot in every room. He doesn't have to be tidy but be has to dump his crap in one corner of each room or something. 
    And deeeep breaths for you. You can only control you. Give yourself credit for all you do and give yourself permission to relax!
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    Kayciejoe56Kayciejoe56 member
    edited April 2016
    LoveLee85 said:
    Kayciejoe56 said:
    I'm sorry,  I don't want to sound rude,  but if you stay at home... the home is kind of your job.   That's not to say,  he doesn't have to do anything,  or that he gets to just be a path of destruction everywhere he goes.   But it does mean that a majority should fall on you.   Like a pp said, some people are just messy and that probably won't change. Ask for a few specific things, that would help.  I usually give my dh a choice,  watch the baby for an hour after dinner so I can do the dishes,  or do the dishes.   We also spend 1 hour on Sunday afternoon picking up together and preparing anything for the week.
    If you do genuinely need the help, hire the maid and relieve some of your stress.   But please don't just hire a maid out of spite.
    Men just don't think/prioritize or multi-task like we do.   He should help a little,  but cut him some slack.   Ask for what you need,  but be reasonable,  he is at work all day so he doesn't see the mess piling up.  
    I can't disagree more with this. "cut him slack"?? LOL "he should help a little"?! LOL 

    So, when I work with my college degree...who cleans? no one?? Cleaning people only since we both work?
    I actually work with my college degree 3 days out of the week, and a half day on the weekend.   And still manage to keep a pretty tidy house,  messy hubby and all.   He is awesome and jumps in if I ask.   But I can get most everything done in my 2 days off.  It's cleaning a house,  not running a country. One day we do all our errands and the next day we clean the whole house and do the laundry.   Yes,  by the next week it is all a mess again,  but that's what happens when you're living life. 
    If you were working also then I agree there should be a split, but being at home full time it really isn't that hard to keep up.  I understand how it can feel disrespectful and frustrating living with a messy person,  but hopefully that is not his intent.   Messy people just genuinely don't notice.   In all the problems that could occur,  picking up dh's towels just isn't a big deal to me.
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    FatPonyFatPony member
    This is the best thread I've ever seen on the Bump. 
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    ChristaG22ChristaG22 member
    Well if miss Kayci told you it wasn't hard, it must not be! There, problem solved! 

    Some people are so helpful. 
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    missliz53missliz53 member
    @cmommy13
    Perfectly said!
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    cmommy13cmommy13 member
    Thanks @missliz53 :#
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    J1DJ1D member
    Kayciejoe56 said:
    I'm sorry,  I don't want to sound rude,  but if you stay at home... the home is kind of your job.   That's not to say,  he doesn't have to do anything,  or that he gets to just be a path of destruction everywhere he goes.   But it does mean that a majority should fall on you.   Like a pp said, some people are just messy and that probably won't change. Ask for a few specific things, that would help.  I usually give my dh a choice,  watch the baby for an hour after dinner so I can do the dishes,  or do the dishes.   We also spend 1 hour on Sunday afternoon picking up together and preparing anything for the week.
    If you do genuinely need the help, hire the maid and relieve some of your stress.   But please don't just hire a maid out of spite.
    Men just don't think/prioritize or multi-task like we do.   He should help a little,  but cut him some slack.   Ask for what you need,  but be reasonable,  he is at work all day so he doesn't see the mess piling up.  
    Nope. I totally disagree. I'm a stay at home MOM not a stay at home maid. 
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    J1DJ1D member
    Kayciejoe56 said:
    LoveLee85 said:
    Kayciejoe56 said:
    I'm sorry,  I don't want to sound rude,  but if you stay at home... the home is kind of your job.   That's not to say,  he doesn't have to do anything,  or that he gets to just be a path of destruction everywhere he goes.   But it does mean that a majority should fall on you.   Like a pp said, some people are just messy and that probably won't change. Ask for a few specific things, that would help.  I usually give my dh a choice,  watch the baby for an hour after dinner so I can do the dishes,  or do the dishes.   We also spend 1 hour on Sunday afternoon picking up together and preparing anything for the week.
    If you do genuinely need the help, hire the maid and relieve some of your stress.   But please don't just hire a maid out of spite.
    Men just don't think/prioritize or multi-task like we do.   He should help a little,  but cut him some slack.   Ask for what you need,  but be reasonable,  he is at work all day so he doesn't see the mess piling up.  
    I can't disagree more with this. "cut him slack"?? LOL "he should help a little"?! LOL 

    So, when I work with my college degree...who cleans? no one?? Cleaning people only since we both work?
    I actually work with my college degree 3 days out of the week, and a half day on the weekend.   And still manage to keep a pretty tidy house,  messy hubby and all.   He is awesome and jumps in if I ask.   But I can get most everything done in my 2 days off.  It's cleaning a house,  not running a country. One day we do all our errands and the next day we clean the whole house and do the laundry.   Yes,  by the next week it is all a mess again,  but that's what happens when you're living life. 
    If you were working also then I agree there should be a split, but being at home full time it really isn't that hard to keep up.  I understand how it can feel disrespectful and frustrating living with a messy person,  but hopefully that is not his intent.   Messy people just genuinely don't notice.   In all the problems that could occur,  picking up dh's towels just isn't a big deal to me.
    Wow.
    "It's cleaning a house not running a country," " being at home full time it isn't that hard to keep up. "
    Sooooo.... You know what my (or anyone else's) house is like? How big it is? How many kids or pets I have? How messy my husband is or isn't? You know my physical capabilities and the needs of my child(ren) to know how much time and energy I have to devote to housecleaning?

    You do realize those statements are very presumptuous and belittling to anyone struggling to keep up? Just sayin'.
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