A question from an expecting father to the moms

SeattleDad · March 2016

Hi everyone I'm hoping to gain some insight here from moms. This is our second pregnancy and things are so much different this time around. I'm speaking in regards to our relationship and intimacy. With our first child she was affectionate, loving, couldn't get enough in the bedroom and wanted me around all the time. Now however on baby number two it's the opposite she wants no cuddling gets annoyed if I try to kiss her never says she loves me and anything I say that's sweet doesn't seem to faze here in the least. This is even more complicated because we split up after our son was 9 months old and she moved 2hrs away to her moms we decided to work on things and are not officially back together and we conceived during this time over Christmas. I've tried talking about it maybe even a little too much but it's really getting to me. Anyone else going through this or have any advice?

cait5413 · March 2016

Hormones can be different in different pregnancies, which could affect the intimacy, but more likely this is because you are not together. You broke up, have not "officially" gotten back together, so why would she tell you she loves you? The discussion you need to have is whether you two are together and going to work things out or whether you're not, and need to work on raising your kids amicably apart. Either way, stop trying to kiss her until you've figured it out.

austinjl · March 2016

Pregnancy is really really hard. Throw in a split and her raising the first kid at her parents house- that sounds even harder. Sounds like there's a lot going on right now. Give her time, be patient and figure out a plan that will work for both of you.

SeattleDad · March 2016

Thanks a lot I should have explained that we have had that talk and she has told me she loves me it's more of a she never says it first and we have both agreed were working on things but for some reason she wants to maintain the position that were working things out but we are not actually together which is confusing as to why she wants to consider herself single. I'm just looking for a way to see this that doesn't point to the idea that she's leading me on I know my situation is complicated as far as her hormones, our past and the distance between us.

Sarcasm101 · March 2016

SeattleDad said:

Thanks a lot I should have explained that we have had that talk and she has told me she loves me it's more of a she never says it first and we have both agreed were working on things but for some reason she wants to maintain the position that were working things out but we are not actually together which is confusing as to why she wants to consider herself single. I'm just looking for a way to see this that doesn't point to the idea that she's leading me on I know my situation is complicated as far as her hormones, our past and the distance between us.

Have you considered speaking with a couples therapist?

colesmom33 · March 2016

How old is your son now? We have a 19 month old and I'm 26 weeks pregnant. Being pregnant while dealing with a toddler is hard. My husband and I have a great relationship and he's very involved with taking care of our son but I still resent him at times because I'm the still the primary caretaker. Maybe she's feeling resentful because you are two hours away and she needs more help. I'll admit, there may be a lot of hormones at play, but it also may be real reasons she's distant with you. Maybe she's scared about the future when this baby gets here. It sounds as though you two should talk to a counselor before the new baby gets here. If there were enough issues to separate, those just don't go away and probably still need to be dealt with.

KASG · March 2016

I definitely would agree with the talking it out, and it may be best to have a therapist since s/he would be a neutral party. As everyone else has said, every pregnancy is different, and hormones really do different things to us daily, even hourly sometimes. Also, it may just be awkward for her since you two aren't officially back together. Most women I know like for things to be settled, you know? Try to remain patient with her. Good luck to you both.

SeattleDad · March 2016

Our boy is 16 months and yeah I can see the possible resentment I do try to help all I can I pay my child support and send her any money she needs for herself plus I buy all the diapers and clothes basically everything he needs and she needs to try to make things easy for her. She says these problems are all I ever want to talk about and I am guilty of that from time to time so I'm going to back off on the subject I'm wondering what should I be doing to make this situation better I mean before she got preggo she was not like this and we were making great progress that's why I'm on here I feel like it has to do with the pregnancy and I'm curious if any of you grew distant or stopped being lovey and intimate durring your pregnancy

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

1. If you guys want to make it work, individual counseling for both of you, and couples counseling.
2. Pregnancy hormones suck. They can sometimes make you feel like hell, towards everyone. My husband really has no life outside of his business, us, and things he needs to get done. In the ten years we have been together, he has never given me a reason to think that he was doing ANYTHING behind my back. So we he went out with his cousin on Saturday night for a MLS game and didn't get home until three hours after the game (shortly after midnight), I was pissed. Normally, not pregnant, it wouldn't bother me. But pregnant...I was annoyed. I expected for him to text to say he was going to stay out. I was bitter because I was home with our daughter and spent 5 hours cleaning/organizing by myself, and my whole body hurt. So then I started to take it out on him, just because it was feeling miserable. I can love him for several hours, and he can do something simple and I am pretty much like "Get the hell out of my face...."
3. My first pregnancy, we had sex all of the time. Several times a week. This one, nope. We have had sex once in 22 weeks, between feeling like crap, work, household chores, taking care of our daughter, etc.....I am exhausted. I go to sleep right after our four year old does, and now we are actually sleeping in separate rooms, because we both sleep better. My first pregnancy, I was only taking care of myself, I was sick for 11 weeks, and other than hormones....I had a pretty easy pregnancy. This one, I was nauseous/sick for 15 weeks, I don't feel like I sleep well at night, my pelvis feels like it is going to snap in two 24/7, and I am not just taking care of myself.....I am taking care of a four year old and a household. So you can't really compare pregnancies and how someone feels, even if you are talking about the same person.

PinkLady2015 · March 2016

What was the reason for the break up the first time?

br0co1ii · March 2016

SeattleDad said:

Our boy is 16 months and yeah I can see the possible resentment I do try to help all I can I pay my child support and send her any money she needs for herself plus I buy all the diapers and clothes basically everything he needs and she needs to try to make things easy for her. She says these problems are all I ever want to talk about and I am guilty of that from time to time so I'm going to back off on the subject I'm wondering what should I be doing to make this situation better I mean before she got preggo she was not like this and we were making great progress that's why I'm on here I feel like it has to do with the pregnancy and I'm curious if any of you grew distant or stopped being lovey and intimate durring your pregnancy

When she says the bolder part... do you mean that you keep bringing up how you are supporting your son? If that's the case, that can be very irritating. It's something you're supposed to do. Do you go around announcing that you brushed your teeth? Or took a shower? Likely not, because you're supposed to do those things. Do you see what I mean?
If that's not what you meant, then, I guess ignore my comment.
Other posters gave you solid advice though.you need to work through whatever broke you up in the first place before you can move on. I wouldn't even try to be intimate with her until those issues are resolved.

SeattleDad · March 2016

Yeah I totally se what you mean and no I don't boast about that at all that would defiantly be annoyining to her and is my job I get that lol I'm talking about trying to discuss our intimacy issues since she got pregnant we have obviously been intimate since we made another baby since we started working on things she I feel like she thinks I'm gonna be the same way I was before if we get back together which is why we broke up I was very Inattentive to her and my son and I'll admit isolated her at home a lot I'm not proud of that but I see where I went wrong and will never do that again I just don't know how to prove that

_darth · March 2016

@SeattleDadOkay, so the relationship debugging so far has been very emotional. This is all valid, but let's discuss some of the physical issues that may be the root of your problems.

1) Every pregnancy is different hormone-wise. Sounds like she got a crappier hand the second time. Some personality changes are beyond your wife's control. It's temporary. My advice is to wait it out, and interact with her on the basis of her current likes/dislikes/comfort levels, not the pre-pregnancy ones.

2) Regarding kissing: Smell revulsion is a real (and embarrassing) issue. My partner's dental hygiene is beyond reproach, yet I hit the olfactory jackpot in that the smell and texture of mouths (even clean ones) is suddenly disgusting. I was an avid fan of kisses in the "before times" and I am sure I will be again. In the meantime, a peck on the cheek is the best show of both intimacy and respect for my stupid nose.

3) Regarding cuddling: Everything is hot, achy, and uncomfortable. And seemingly unrelated body parts always end up pressing on the bladder. Also, smell is a factor again. Light contact is better. We used to do the full-time pretzel thing while watching movies. Now we sit on opposite ends of the couch and touch feet.

4) Regarding emotional intimacy, saying I love you first, discussing problems, and so on: Pregnancy brings a ridiculous level of fatigue, both physical and emotional. Ever have a really bad stomach flu? You know the day after, when you are done barfing but everything hurts and you are drained to the point where you just want to lay flat on your face and forget the world exists? Deep emotional conversations about the relationship don't really go over well when you are in that state, do they?

I know it seems counter-intuitive but don't try to make up for previous lack of attention by overdoing it and over analysing. Just trust that she loves you. But she is also tired and irritated about things outside of your control and her energy is finite. Aim for normalcy that allows her the maximum possible comfort. This includes giving space when it is needed. It really is the best way of showing your care and support.

Hope that helps a bit. Best of luck.

SeattleDad · March 2016

Thank you that does help I appreciate all of your input

stillcozy · March 2016

I will add if she had felt you were inattentive and isolating to her before it is probably very hard for her to say it first and she may need you to say it so be the person to say it first and show that you are in this.

As far as support money is one thing but have you even considered how exhausting it is to be pregnant exhausted from that uncomfortable and chase a toddler and deal with a toddler day in and day out by herself?! I'm sorry sure money is nice but physical presence and help with the actual raising and day in an day out activities is what makes a display of support.

Have some grace and support for your wife and to be honest I hate having repeat conversions with my husband it is draining and irritating. Instead of having the drug out intimacy question ask her how you can support her or what she needs. Also clingyness can be a huge turn off during pregnancy especially if she already is dealing with a toddler a clingy adult can make that drain feel so so much worse.

PinkLady2015 · March 2016

SeattleDad said:

Yeah I totally se what you mean and no I don't boast about that at all that would defiantly be annoyining to her and is my job I get that lol I'm talking about trying to discuss our intimacy issues since she got pregnant we have obviously been intimate since we made another baby since we started working on things she I feel like she thinks I'm gonna be the same way I was before if we get back together which is why we broke up I was very Inattentive to her and my son and I'll admit isolated her at home a lot I'm not proud of that but I see where I went wrong and will never do that again I just don't know how to prove that

you just answered your own question as to why she wants to "remain single" and instead say you are "working on things"

You prove that by your actions, not your words. She has every right to be hesitant and guarded moving forward in a relationship where you openly admit that things ended because of your inattentiveness. The burden is on you to show that you've changed, not badgering her about why she won't give you a hug.

SeattleDad · March 2016

You all make very good points I will discontinue the conversations on the issues and just do my best to be supportive I've reflected on this a lot and have come to the idea that I need to show that I'm the right choice to make instead of acting as if I'm entitled to her love and affection it is difficult when I love her and our son so much and just want us to be a family again being a weekend dad is something I never wanted and with another on the way being that to two of my children seems almost unbearable the last thing I wanna do is push her away in the process of putting things back together. I'm grateful for all the advice and I'm more than open to any more you all may have.

DisneyIsabelle · March 2016

I didn't read all the comments because I'm pregnant and tired. Maybe doing something unusual that would be a nice treat for her just to show you care would be helpful. For ex. my husband called the place I take prenatal yoga and paid for my next 10 week which was a nice treat. I'm guessing your wife is exhausted, maybe a gift certificate to a house cleaning service or tell her to be free and book a prenatal spa day for her while you take your son for the day. While physical intimacy may just not be what she wants right now regardless of her feelings towards you, pampering her or doing something for her that she will enjoy might be a good start.

Also, just read that she's staying with family so a housecleaner may not be as much benefit to her..but something along those lines

Glow360 · April 2016

Bahahaha she's carrying life, your child. Stop whining and be supportive. She's putting her body through a lot to make this happen. She may not feel good or extra hormones or maybe she is stressed because you split and irresponsibly got pregnant and she's realizing what a bad idea that was. You should be asking how is this affecting the first child and focus on more important needs.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · April 2016

Glow360 said:

Bahahaha she's carrying life, your child. Stop whining and be supportive. She's putting her body through a lot to make this happen. She may not feel good or extra hormones or maybe she is stressed because you split and irresponsibly got pregnant and she's realizing what a bad idea that was. You should be asking how is this affecting the first child and focus on more important needs.

You really need to stop giving advice. You're terrible at it.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · April 2016

PugLoveBug said:

WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

Glow360 said:

Bahahaha she's carrying life, your child. Stop whining and be supportive. She's putting her body through a lot to make this happen. She may not feel good or extra hormones or maybe she is stressed because you split and irresponsibly got pregnant and she's realizing what a bad idea that was. You should be asking how is this affecting the first child and focus on more important needs.

You really need to stop giving advice. You're terrible at it.

And bumping Zombie threads.

Didn't even realize that part.

Glow360 · April 2016

its tru tho

stillcozy · April 2016

Glow360 said:

its tru tho

Please just stop!

Prof=Mom · May 2016

A book called "the 5 Love Languages" may help.

FiancB · May 2016

Old thread but since it's still on the first page, I'll bite.. not touching the details, but I will say my drive has been very different between two close together pregnancies. The first, sex was great. I really thought that pregnant sex was the best. That ended in a loss in November/December, and I got pregnant again in March. This time, I hate it. I have no drive and it's uncomfortable, a lot of times even painful. So, that's the same person, same relationship, two close together pregnancies, totally different sex. That's without an existing child or a tumultuous relationship, which I'm sure don't help either.

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