2nd Trimester
SeattleDad
member
A question from an expecting father to the moms
SeattleDad
member
Hi everyone I'm hoping to gain some insight here from moms. This is our second pregnancy and things are so much different this time around. I'm speaking in regards to our relationship and intimacy. With our first child she was affectionate, loving, couldn't get enough in the bedroom and wanted me around all the time. Now however on baby number two it's the opposite she wants no cuddling gets annoyed if I try to kiss her never says she loves me and anything I say that's sweet doesn't seem to faze here in the least. This is even more complicated because we split up after our son was 9 months old and she moved 2hrs away to her moms we decided to work on things and are not officially back together and we conceived during this time over Christmas. I've tried talking about it maybe even a little too much but it's really getting to me. Anyone else going through this or have any advice?
Re: A question from an expecting father to the moms
Married May 2014
DD born August 2016
Baby #2 due December 2017
Have you considered speaking with a couples therapist?
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
How old is your son now? We have a 19 month old and I'm 26 weeks pregnant. Being pregnant while dealing with a toddler is hard. My husband and I have a great relationship and he's very involved with taking care of our son but I still resent him at times because I'm the still the primary caretaker. Maybe she's feeling resentful because you are two hours away and she needs more help. I'll admit, there may be a lot of hormones at play, but it also may be real reasons she's distant with you. Maybe she's scared about the future when this baby gets here. It sounds as though you two should talk to a counselor before the new baby gets here. If there were enough issues to separate, those just don't go away and probably still need to be dealt with.
2. Pregnancy hormones suck. They can sometimes make you feel like hell, towards everyone. My husband really has no life outside of his business, us, and things he needs to get done. In the ten years we have been together, he has never given me a reason to think that he was doing ANYTHING behind my back. So we he went out with his cousin on Saturday night for a MLS game and didn't get home until three hours after the game (shortly after midnight), I was pissed. Normally, not pregnant, it wouldn't bother me. But pregnant...I was annoyed. I expected for him to text to say he was going to stay out. I was bitter because I was home with our daughter and spent 5 hours cleaning/organizing by myself, and my whole body hurt. So then I started to take it out on him, just because it was feeling miserable. I can love him for several hours, and he can do something simple and I am pretty much like "Get the hell out of my face...."
3. My first pregnancy, we had sex all of the time. Several times a week. This one, nope. We have had sex once in 22 weeks, between feeling like crap, work, household chores, taking care of our daughter, etc.....I am exhausted. I go to sleep right after our four year old does, and now we are actually sleeping in separate rooms, because we both sleep better. My first pregnancy, I was only taking care of myself, I was sick for 11 weeks, and other than hormones....I had a pretty easy pregnancy. This one, I was nauseous/sick for 15 weeks, I don't feel like I sleep well at night, my pelvis feels like it is going to snap in two 24/7, and I am not just taking care of myself.....I am taking care of a four year old and a household. So you can't really compare pregnancies and how someone feels, even if you are talking about the same person.
If that's not what you meant, then, I guess ignore my comment.
Other posters gave you solid advice though.you need to work through whatever broke you up in the first place before you can move on. I wouldn't even try to be intimate with her until those issues are resolved.
1) Every pregnancy is different hormone-wise. Sounds like she got a crappier hand the second time. Some personality changes are beyond your wife's control. It's temporary. My advice is to wait it out, and interact with her on the basis of her current likes/dislikes/comfort levels, not the pre-pregnancy ones.
2) Regarding kissing: Smell revulsion is a real (and embarrassing) issue. My partner's dental hygiene is beyond reproach, yet I hit the olfactory jackpot in that the smell and texture of mouths (even clean ones) is suddenly disgusting. I was an avid fan of kisses in the "before times" and I am sure I will be again. In the meantime, a peck on the cheek is the best show of both intimacy and respect for my stupid nose.
3) Regarding cuddling: Everything is hot, achy, and uncomfortable. And seemingly unrelated body parts always end up pressing on the bladder. Also, smell is a factor again. Light contact is better. We used to do the full-time pretzel thing while watching movies. Now we sit on opposite ends of the couch and touch feet.
4) Regarding emotional intimacy, saying I love you first, discussing problems, and so on: Pregnancy brings a ridiculous level of fatigue, both physical and emotional. Ever have a really bad stomach flu? You know the day after, when you are done barfing but everything hurts and you are drained to the point where you just want to lay flat on your face and forget the world exists? Deep emotional conversations about the relationship don't really go over well when you are in that state, do they?
I know it seems counter-intuitive but don't try to make up for previous lack of attention by overdoing it and over analysing. Just trust that she loves you. But she is also tired and irritated about things outside of your control and her energy is finite. Aim for normalcy that allows her the maximum possible comfort. This includes giving space when it is needed. It really is the best way of showing your care and support.
Hope that helps a bit. Best of luck.
As far as support money is one thing but have you even considered how exhausting it is to be pregnant exhausted from that uncomfortable and chase a toddler and deal with a toddler day in and day out by herself?! I'm sorry sure money is nice but physical presence and help with the actual raising and day in an day out activities is what makes a display of support.
Have some grace and support for your wife and to be honest I hate having repeat conversions with my husband it is draining and irritating. Instead of having the drug out intimacy question ask her how you can support her or what she needs. Also clingyness can be a huge turn off during pregnancy especially if she already is dealing with a toddler a clingy adult can make that drain feel so so much worse.
You prove that by your actions, not your words. She has every right to be hesitant and guarded moving forward in a relationship where you openly admit that things ended because of your inattentiveness. The burden is on you to show that you've changed, not badgering her about why she won't give you a hug.
Also, just read that she's staying with family so a housecleaner may not be as much benefit to her..but something along those lines