TWW Crazies

dpjennifer · April 2016

Agree with the Fuck Miscarriage sentiment. I'm in the middle of my TWW and waiting to see if I'll have a DH birthday/early Christmas baby... *sigh* Trying to calm the BSC and afraid I'll be in a bad place if no dice this month. So, trying with everything I got to be positive... blah.

MooFish2364 · April 2016

I agree also...fuck all of this nonsense! I had a slight temp dip this morning and feel like AF is around the corner and it totally sucks. @dpjennifer I also feel like I will be in a bad place if/when AF shows up. I've been trying to prepare myself but I don't think it really matters.

DH and I are going to see a genetic counselor Monday morning and I am really nervous about what they are doing to say. I want to go, but I'm scared to go. Our mc was caused by a chromosome issue and there is a small possibility that it could be passed on from one of us. Our family history doesn't mean much because we both have a parent who was adopted. Ugh.

dpjennifer · April 2016

@MooFish2364 Good luck with the appointment. It will be scary to face, but hopefully if you're able to find out the issue then maybe something can be done about it. It'd be great if they could solve whatever the issue is so your next PG can be carried full term with no issues!

And yeah... I've ended up testing the day before AF arrived the last 2 cycles, and I swear I felt the BFN being more crushing than just receiving AF. Ugh. FX for both of us!

SnobunnieMel · April 2016

Fuck miscarriage. I swore I wasn't going to get all BSC during my TWW because I know the chances of a + on my first cycle post d&c are low and i was just going to accept that this would be my body resetting month. That failed. Temp drop yesterday and huge spike today has me crazy chart stalking for coming implantation dip day post miscarriage on FF. The filter options are a rabbit hole. A Christmas rainbow would be so amazing but I know if I get attached to the idea it's going to be such a crushing blow if AF shows. I feel like we are all in a place where hope makes it hurt so much more. Like the pain keeps coming. So fuck miscarriage and fuck the pain.

(It felt really good to get the F bombs out)

mylittleversailles · April 2016

Everything happens for a reason is the absolute most cruel sentiment I can think of. It doesn't and I will punch anyone in the fucking face who says that to me.

beff12 · April 2016

I've kept my TWW crazies at bay for the first of the two weeks. Now I'm 8 DPO and clearly pregnant with at least triplets because I have ALL THE SYMPTOMS. I wish I could just turn off my brain. That needs to be a thing.

catiecatp · April 2016

I'm scared - I am 4DPO and I don't know if I hope I'm pregnant or not. DH have a serious relationship issue to work through but of course it showed up after my FW. And if I am pregnant the EDD is the 26th of December - I started miscarrying on the 24th of December...

Also - holy crap ovulation pain - or what I assume is ovulation pain. In addition to pain the day before or the day of ovulation, the day after I had sharp pains (on both sides - because they hate me?!) when I coughed.

SnobunnieMel · April 2016

@catiecatp I'm so sorry. That added stress is the last thing you need to have to deal with right now.

And I second the horrible screaming ovary pain the day before and the day of as well. And yesterday. And the day before.

MooFish2364 · April 2016

@dpjennifer thanks. I am also not going to test again until I am days late for AF. It is harder for me to see a BFN than for AF to show up also.

@SnobunnieMel that graphic is awesome!

@beff12 I also did pretty good for the first half of the TWW but got more and more BSC as the time went on.

@catiecatp I hope everything works out for you. I didn't have a lot of ovulation pain but I've had pelvic/ovary pain the last 3 days or so. Super weird because I know I've already ovulated. Maybe I'm gearing up for a horrible AF? Who knows.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

Just adding my own, "Fuck Miscarriage!" to the thread. It's times like this that I just wish I could have a little blissful innocence back. Instead I'm sitting here trying not to get too caught up in my own head making meaning out of dates and times and counting out how long it will be before my typical loss happens (7 seems to be my unlucky number) which, if I get KU would fall on our 7th anniversary.

dpjennifer · April 2016

@SnowbunnieMel I have seen that gif/card before and absolutely agree with its sentiments!

beff12 I’m LOLing so hard over here with your “8 DPO and clearly pregnant with at least triplets because I have ALL THE SYMPTOMS.” I am 7 dpo and definitely BSC beyond belief the past day or so. Would LOVE an auto-pilot switch at this point.

Sorry @catiecatp and @fivetimesnoluck TTCAL definitely sucks the big one.

Edit: Grammar is difficult...

BornReady · April 2016

@catiecatp So sorry to hear about you and DH's bump in the road. It is such a difficult time and added stress is even more complicating. Sending you guys some good energy this weekend.

@fivetimesnoluck I hear you on the blissful innocence. I think some of my biggest feelings of grief in this process is the difficulty of fulfilling what seems so easy to other people. Some days I feel like all I do is count months, days, cycles, birthdays etc. and it makes me crazy making meaning out of meaningless things to try and feel more in control. I'm with you lady!

As for me, we are in the TWW. Unfortunately, soon after ovulation we got a call from the RE that DH has some issues with his sperm, notably low motility, they are requesting more testing on him and we have a follow up appt. on Monday for some answers. While it gives me some peace that we at least know why it takes us so long, it gives me little faith for this cycle, so again, I feel like I"m just waiting things out. It also makes me want to punch my OB who I have repeatedly requested an SA from and offered to pay for it out of pocket and he refused. My DH works in pollutants (scientist) and has two brothers who have infertility issues. I just feel like we wasted so much time complying with the requested "wait one year".

catiecatp · April 2016

@bornready - I'm sorry your OB didn't listen to you. I have my fingers crossed that you have a better relationship with your RE going forward.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@beff12 how are you doing? Have you tested yet??

How's everyone doing in the TWW?

Me? Totally nuts over here, but trying not to be obvious about it.

catiecatp · April 2016

I'm not doing so hot - a bit of a temperature dip today and spotting yesterday and today - I think AF is coming tomorrow and tomorrow will only be 10DPO so now I'm stressing about a short LP and planning trips to my GP. I had several days of spotting the month I got my BFP (though on days 10-12 DPO not 7-9 DPO) but without a dip... That said, I'm not super emotional (other than stress about the LP length) and very little cramps - so I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not out yet...

I'm trying not to be upset because my GP is wonderful and may actually do something about it - but this is only cycle 4 after my MC so I don't know. My other LP have been 6, 10 and 8 days...

I'm a late tester - I won't test until 14-18 DPO but that is partly because of DH and partly because I never get to the point where I get stir crazy (except for the time we got our BFP - and I think I tested 18 DPO that month...)

SnobunnieMel · April 2016

******tw*******

i think my TWW crazies were justified. Have been taking wondfos this week and wasn't trusting them so I stopped and grabbed a FRER set with regular and digital. Got a good line and a yes today!! Then went to confirm with a CB digital with week estimator but it said now. Hoping it's just not as sensitive. Getting beta drawn tomorrow

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

I'm sorry, @catiecatp - I'm sure you're frustrated, but you're not out until you're out. Fingers crossed for you to have a BFP, but if not, at least a longer LP.

I am a weirdo, so I went looking for a couple of our peeps who could be testing right about now and it seems like two of our board buddies may be graduating! I won't announce for them, hopefully they'll share here too. But, good things are happening and that always gives me hope for the rest of us!

BornReady · April 2016

@SnobunnieMel Wow, how exciting! Keep us posted lady.

As for me, I have little hope, but I guess I'm not out until I'm out. I had some cramping yesterday and was paranoid I was starting AF, but nothing so far. 10 DPO today, so only time will tell.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@SnobunnieMel YAYAYAYAY! I was typing my last post as you were doing the same. You're one of the people I was thinking about! So excited for you and wish you a happy and healthy 8 more months!

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

Yay @SnobunnieMel this is great news! So happy for you

mylittleversailles · April 2016

@SnobunnieMel Congrats, lady!

As for me, 1 or 2 DPO and not really OK at all. I feel totally and completely hopeless. Just want to cry and cry and fast forward to conception. Not good.

edit: words

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

I am sorry you're having a hard time, @reneeannemm. Did you get in some good days of BD before O? I know how hard it can be to have hope through the process, but I am hopeful for you, and for all of us.

Be easy on your self today, cry if you want! But, do remember that you've got a group of internet stranger friends rooting for you. xo

catiecatp · April 2016

@fivetimesnoluck - AF came about an hour ago and I'm not doing great right now. That marks a 9 day LP for me - and that is more disappointing than the lack of pregnancy today. I was searching the Bump forums (rather than Google) and some people get pregnant with a short LP but I'm feeling so frustrated. As soon as I collect myself a bit more I'll be calling my GP to figure out some next steps next week. I have an appointment with another care provider in her clinic for Wednesday so maybe I can get in with her on the same day without too much time between. She's about a 50 minute drive one direction, so doubling up would be lovely.

EDIT: I just got an appointment with my GP that will only be a 45 minute wait (assuming she's on time) after my other appointment. I'll go for coffee or something.

@reneeannemm - I'm with you - hugs and love - I want to be pregnant not trying to get pregnant. In my head it is "I should be pregnant" though luckily I haven't started figuring out how many months I'd be. Enough to show I think.

On a happier note - congrats @SnobunnieMel - wishing you all the best with your beta draw.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@catiecatp Damn it. I am sorry. That sucks on both counts.

I feel like I have seen reference to acupuncture helping people with lengthening their LPs. Check the boards, but I am pretty sure I have seen success stories with that issue. You're in my thoughts today. I know it's not the result you wanted. Hopefully you can take it easy today. Big hugs.

Aera11 · April 2016

Ugh I'm so sorry @catiecatp & @reneeannemm, the process to actually get to conception is exhausting. The back and forth, up and down, sometimes makes me feel like I am going to go crazy. I try not to think about how far along I would be and what I would look like right now, but it's hard because one of my best friends is due the same time I was so it's like I am living my pregnancy through her. The worst part is, we were both having the same gender and I can't help but think how much fun it would have been for them to grow up together. Sigh, sending hugs to you all.

@snobunniemel CONGRATS! Keep us posted

I love hearing good news like this.

catiecatp · April 2016

@fivetimesnoluck - yeah I've seen that and also something about B vitamins. I'll see what the GP says - she's open to alternative med but not the most educated about it. By that I mean she doesn't think it is a load of junk but she isn't well versed in the options, or she hasn't been in the past (my brother is a psychiatrist and he thinks a lot of what I do is "psychosomatic" but we just don't talk about it much...).

I may see if I can bump up my naturopath appointment - it is currently 2 weeks away - so I can see her before ovulation.

catiecatp · April 2016

@aera11 - I agree, visualizing where I'd be or what I'd be experiencing doesn't help - and most of the time I can avoid it. But yesterday I saw one of our secretaries and I have the sneaking suspicion she's pregnant. Not enough that I'll ask - and she hasn't volunteered the information... I don't know how far along she would be - but it reminded me that I'd be showing by now too. I can't imagine how rough it must be some days to have one of your best friends reminding you in that way.

Aera11 · April 2016

Ah yes, I can totally relate to the 'thinking you know your co-worker is pregnant' situation @catiecatp. I had one between my MC's and she was randomly throwing up and doing other things that made me wonder and sure enough, she told us a month later. I feel like all of this TTC has me on such high alert...years and years ago, I would have probably never noticed or been so aware. And I know, dwelling on "where I'd be right now" is never good, but you can't help but let your mind wander that way. It's okay sometimes, it's part of grieving the loss. She had a loss too and so she is very understanding and aware of my situation, which is nice. If she didn't know or care, we probably wouldn't be good friends anymore. Good luck with your appointments! And for sure treat yourself to a good coffee in-between

mylittleversailles · April 2016

We did manage to BD before and on my super early ovulation, as I had suspected it was coming. I wouldn't mind shorter cycles to get through this all faster. I have a slow rise bbt pattern, so I'm never quite sure the exact date until a few days after.

One of my friends is just ahead where I should have been and she's on a babymoon with her husband taking adorable pictures of her new bump (I never thought they were cute before realizing I should have one) and it ripped my heart out to see. She's very high risk and had a 50% chance of losing her pregnancy, so I really am happy for her but it's so hard when I'm back here checking my cervix and peeing on everything.

I totally lose my mind for about ten days every month and it's infuriating. I should get up and do something but I just can't. I don't know how to share this burden with DH, either, which is isolating.

Aera11 · April 2016

That's good you got a few good BD's in @reneeannemm. I would happily take shorter cycles too to speed this all up, but no, I am still rocking a 33-38 day cycle. I was 35 consistently until my second MC and now I am kind of jumping around... sigh.

And I hear you on the isolation. My DH is pretty good about listening and comforting me, but doesn't really have much input...and I write it off as him not fully understanding my body, what it's going through and the emotional rollercoaster I can't seem to get off of. How's the weather looking where you live? I am in Michigan and finally have sunshine and 50+ degrees. Maybe get outside, go for a walk or go get a coffee. Do something that makes *you* feel good. On my lowest days, when I am so numb and literally don't care about anything, I try to sit for a few minutes and calm my mental crazies down and then do something to re-focus my day/week. A small project, something nice for someone else, playing with my fur babes, a pedicure, afternoon movie, whatever will lift your spirits. The weekend is near, so hopefully you have something fun/distracting going on

mylittleversailles · April 2016

@Aera11 I'm in Toronto and we have nice weather, too. Very sunny. I'm going to run out to the store and find something nice for lunch and plan a dinner for tonight. I just played with one the cats. She wasn't into it, though and then the other cat came and started a fight. What a dick. Later. I have an appointment with my yoga mat, but an old injury is flaring up in my wrist so it might be better to rest. I already made cookies for everyone I know to calm my nerves; I think they're all over-sugared. Maybe I'll so some spring cleaning.

BornReady · April 2016

@aera11 and @catiecatp I hear you on not wanting to think about "where I should be". I am nearing my due date, June 7th and am feeling more unhinged than I've felt in a bit. I also delivered @ 35 weeks last time, which would be around now, so thinking I could have already gone through my whole pregnancy makes me want to crawl back in bed most days.

@reneeannemm I lol'd at you calling your cat a dick, seriously made my day. Also, I hear you on the "checking my cervix and peeing on thing" reference. I get so annoyed that my quest to have a baby has come to this sometimes. Like really, why did I waste so much money on birth control all these years when clearly it's not that easy.

Thank you all for making this experience so much less isolating... I really think this is one of those things only so many people "get".

dpjennifer · April 2016

@SnobunnieMel Congrats!

@reneeannemm I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. I completely understand and relate. This whole waiting game of hurry up and try, hurry up and wait, is the timing good, am I or am I not thing is just stressful beyond belief. Plus I don’t know about anyone else, but ever since my MC I just feel this desperation to be pregnant again. Like, before the MC I really wanted to be PG, and now it’s just consumed my life.

@catiecatp Sorry you’re so frustrated about your LP lengths. Hope you can get some answers on that, or at least some reassurance!

I tested negative on Monday at 10 DPO and totally lost it later that day. Haven't really recovered, since I had a temperature dip Friday at 7 DPO and all weekend had symptoms I've never had except the cycle I was PG. So I swore I was PG and the test Monday was just soul crushing. I still was holding out how that it was maybe too early to test, but this morning I had a huge temperature dip way below my cover line, and am spotting heavily. So AF is definitely here to stay. I've been depressed all week since I had gotten my hopes so high last weekend. It's been 6 months since our MC and I feel so defeated. Been having a rough go of it. I've got one more cycle and then I'll have reached my EDD and my birthday.

DH has been great about this whole thing though and surprised me last night by saying that for my birthday he's been trying to get me a rough collie puppy since the TTCAL thing isn't going well and I've been so down lately. I'm super excited because I grew up with collies and always wanted one of my own. So, I'm hoping that works out!!! Getting chicks in a few weeks, and hopefully a collie later on would definitely allow me to focus on other things!

dpjennifer · April 2016

@BornReady I also wonder why I took so many years of birth control. I feel like it was a total waste of money at this point!

emmaleighbug · April 2016

I've never commented on this board before, but I am so glad I came here instead of just the TTC boards, because reading through the posts from today, I feel such a comraderie with you guys. I've been sitting here nodding my head to everything written today.

I also was expecting at the same time as some of our close friends - in fact, our EDD were originally the same day. That day was March 28th. Ours was moved to April 3rd after our first scan, which was my husband's birthday. Our pregnancy ended September 30th and she ended up having an Easter baby. My original goal was to at least be pregnant again by the time our first baby had been due, which at the time of our miscarriage, I thought was more than enough time to get it accomplished. Now that deadline has come and gone, and it's strange. I was terribly obsessed with it beforehand, from about Mid-February to Mid-March, and then one day completely out of the blue I had this switch in my thinking. I accepted that her pregnancy wasn't mine, that our two stories weren't going to be the same, but that OUR story isn't over yet. I was able to stop dwelling so hardcore on the past and start looking forward to the future. That didn't make it hurt any less when I saw the first pictures posted to Facebook Easter morning. I just stared at them for like half an hour while my husband was still sleeping. There's not a point to this story, just letting myself vent a little bit.

Anyway, we've been trying to conceive again the entire time, so this is the 7th cycle, and I am 1 or possibly 2 DPO. I haven't started temping yet, and actually this month is the first I've started using OPKs. This is the first time I've come back to the Bump app since losing our baby. But I know our timing was dead on this time so I am feeling more hopeful than any cycle so far. And I really feel ready to be pregnant again. I'm past the unfairness of what happened, and I'm open now to whatever we receive. Just crossing my fingers so tightly that we get another chance at this!!

Sorry for for rambling on!! And yes -- FUCK miscarriage.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@emmaleighbug I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to navigate all the BS after loss. I am glad that you found us here; I personally don't feel I have much in common with the innocents who are currently TTC without previous loss(es). I am grateful for this board for that reason... I don't judge - please understand, it's more that I just can't relate. (I'd give anything to be one of them again, honestly...)

I was pregnant with our first and miscarried about 3 weeks before my brother and SIL announced. My niece was born on November 1, and my EDD had been 10/21. She's 2.5 now and it is sometimes difficult to not think about what should have been.... but I don't allow myself to go down that rabbit hole! I am not willing to miss out on her because I am busy being bitter. Then I would have lost even more!

mylittleversailles · April 2016

@emmaleighbug I'm sorry for your loss but happy you decided to get in on some profane language regarding miscarriage. I'm just a big potty mouth, so perhaps I'm biased.

Well, here I am back in the TWW because I ovulated on CD 10. Currently 3 glorious days past ovulation. Certainly these cramps that I have (every TWW) mean that I'm ktfu, eh? Haha, I hate myself sometimes ...

edit: missing a space

beff12 · April 2016

fivetimesnoluck said:

@beff12 how are you doing? Have you tested yet??

How's everyone doing in the TWW?

Me? Totally nuts over here, but trying not to be obvious about it.

**TW - BFP

I did test! Aaaaand it was positive! Whoop whoop. I've been dipping wondfos like its my job and my first appointment is April 25. They're getting me in sooner than in the past, which I'm thankful for. I'm doing my best to stay optimistic!

BaylieGirl · April 2016

Super bummed today. I'm 9/10 days post ovulation and having some spotting. Was hoping it could be implantation bleeding but took a FRER and it was negative. Thinking this means I'm out for the month. Also this would mean my cycle this month is only 22 days which worries me more.

catiecatp · April 2016

@bayliegirl - hugs I'm CD4 and I think I know how you're feeling. My LP has been short since my MC in December (6, 8, 10 and 9 days). The overall length of 22 days shouldn't worry you too much if you ovulated earlier than normal, but the LP might. Look at overall patterns though - that's what I've been trying to do at least - one short LP wasn't enough to trigger a visit to my doctor, but 3-4 (depends if you ignore the very first one) is...

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