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Vaca/in law anxiety

mcdoug211mcdoug211 member
in November 2015 Moms
I'll try and be brief..were driving to minnesota to visit hubs family. His moms nice and all but she's overbearing and I think has" the you love across the country I will hog baby because I can mentality". I know she's excited but I am worried she will hog my baby. I told my husband I'm worried and if I go take her from her it's rude but if she takes her from me It's not he agreed even though it's not right.Example when they visit when she was 1 month old she snatched her out of my arms when she was crying while I made a bottle, I think she thinks it was helping but it actually pissed me off.

She has said we can go out all the time and she'll watch her but I'm not ready to leave her yet. It's been mostly me and lex the last 4.5 months because my husband has worked a ridiculous amount lately. I am having so muh anxiety about how this trip will go. 3 people have held or been in front of lex and she couldn't see me and she screamed bloody murder til she could see me. I know his mom will keep holding her despite her freaking out. And on top of it the first day were there she invited atleast 20 people over to meet/see us...

Idk what I'm looking for I am going crazy thinking about it
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Re: Vaca/in law anxiety

  • GoogleMDGoogleMD member
    My MIL acts this way and she only lives 20 min away, she can be very overbearing. 
    Our rule has always been i deal with my family DH handles his family.

    I think yiu and yiur husband needd to set up rules and boundaries and it is primarily  his job to enforce them. If baby starts fussing and MIL doesn't hand her back them DH needs to take her. Idk if yiu guys have this, but when i want my baby back i usually give DH a certain look and he knows to get him back. 
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  • natalknitter15natalknitter15 member
    Whoa, 20 people? That seems excessive. I would get overwhelmed if 20 people wanted to meet me at once, so I can only imagine how a baby would feel.

    I got some good advice from a nurse in Labor and Delivery. She told me that if I want my baby back and someone is giving me a hard time, first try being honest and just telling them that I'm a first time mom and I'm pretty nervous. Most people will understand. If someone still won't give baby up, mention that baby has been especially prone to explosive diarrhea or vomiting recently. In my experience, people have handed him back to me very quickly!

    I'm not sure that this will work on your MIL, but maybe it could be helpful for some of MIL's friends or extended relatives.

    And I agree with @GoogleMD - You should primarily handle your family, and hubby should be responsible for setting limits with his.

    Good luck and safe travels!
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  • kdoak2015kdoak2015 member
    GoogleMD said:
    My MIL acts this way and she only lives 20 min away, she can be very overbearing. 
    Our rule has always been i deal with my family DH handles his family.

    I think yiu and yiur husband needd to set up rules and boundaries and it is primarily  his job to enforce them. If baby starts fussing and MIL doesn't hand her back them DH needs to take her. Idk if yiu guys have this, but when i want my baby back i usually give DH a certain look and he knows to get him back. 
    This was our rule as well until MIL sent an email when DD was 1m old telling us she thinks she had an allergy and she would buy is this specific type
    of formula. I lost it and we didn't talk for 2 weeks and then it was a blow up. We are better now but she's still brutal. She came over the other day and I said I was going to head out for her nap and grab a coffee and drive around she then persisted to try and nap my baby even though I said we were going out. Then she asked to come with us lol. I simply said sorry we can't really chat while she naps so there is no point. She text me later insisting DH and i go out so she can watch her for a day.

    When  it comes to inlaws I always pick and choose my battles wisely. 
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  • kmd91kmd91 member
    natalknitter15 said:
    kdoak2015 said:
    This was our rule as well until MIL sent an email when DD was 1m old telling us she thinks she had an allergy and she would buy is this specific type
    of formula. I lost it and we didn't talk for 2 weeks and then it was a blow up. We are better now but she's still brutal. She came over the other day and I said I was going to head out for her nap and grab a coffee and drive around she then persisted to try and nap my baby even though I said we were going out. Then she asked to come with us lol. I simply said sorry we can't really chat while she naps so there is no point. She text me later insisting DH and i go out so she can watch her for a day.

    When  it comes to inlaws I always pick and choose my battles wisely. 
    I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. You think your MIL is "brutal" because she suggests specific types of formula, makes efforts to hang out with you guys, and volunteers to babysit so that two new parents can have alone time together? That sounds pretty good to me. Maybe I'm not understanding the context well enough. Sometimes I think we're too hard on our MILs... They're our babies, yes, absolutely. But being a grandparent can be such a special relationship and I think it's important to do what we can to foster that love, even if it means budging just a little bit to make room for them.
    Amen to this. Maybe it's just because we are 5,000 miles away from family and no one has so much as met baby yet, but I feel like a lot of women are too hard on their MILs and moms. I would love to be able to share this precious time with family and have trusted people available and willing to babysit and give us some adult time every now and then. I know it's easy to take it for granted when you're in the situation, but I seriously get jealous sometimes over the terrible overbearing family member complaints. 
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  • mcdoug211mcdoug211 member
    I did tell him all my concerns and he said she probably thinks she's helping, I see  how she would think that but snatching  my baby from me is the worst way to help. He said he'd talk to her but I don't want to start out the trip with him having a convo and it being awkward. I told him she oversteps were going to have a problem and he'll have to deal lol

    It is overwhelming as it is because it's my first time meeting anyone besides his parent and I know it will be overwhelming for her. She gets over stimulated and then later in the day she will be miserable and inconsolable. She wasn't around more than 4 people at a time when I visited home and it was a lot for her. So I can't imagine that many people.

    We live in Texas both our families are across the country I'm not exposed to the overbearing and I like it that way but now I'm anxious. I'm not being hard on anyone I am anxious because of how she's acted in the past. 
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  • Peanut1128Peanut1128 member
    My MIL is very similar to yours and I just experienced a similar trip, traveling with my 4 month old to surprise her and go to her birthday party with 40 random family members. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. I tried to let my MIL play with the baby and hold him each day while we visited but when it was feeding time or nap time, I just said ok come to mama and took him away. It's always hard for me to not baby hog but I try to remember that my husband was her baby once and she just loves her grandbaby a ton. 
    My MIL always offers for my husband and I to leave the baby with her but I just tell her I am not ready yet and I can't stand to be away and that pretty much ends the conversation. Good luck.
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  • nmwheel1nmwheel1 member
    I love having my on laws visit!  They play with DD1 and cuddle DD2 and I can drink a hot coffee, have a hot shower without someone crying, cook a fancy meal (I love cooking) and etc.  Actually we are going to visit them next weekend as we have a wedding to go to and I really want to leave both girls with them but DD2 is refusing bottles so we will need to bring her to the wedding
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  • Ceridwen77Ceridwen77 member
    edited April 2016
    I have to agree with the other posters about this sounding a little like you're being too hard on your mil. Imagine if she wanted nothing to do with your baby or if she wasn't around. Your lo is lucky to have someone who loves them that much in her life.

    It sounds to me like you're setting your lo up for some stressful situations in the future if you don't let her be around more people. Crying bc she can't see you at this age may melt your heart and make you feel so needed, but it's not good for the baby. Id start exposing her to more family/friends (I agree 20 in one day is excessive) and let them hold her. It's good for her and you'll realize in time it's good for you. 
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  • mcdoug211mcdoug211 member
    I'm not setting her up for stressful situations @Ceridwen21 I've given her to people and she scream I take her  I'm not going to let her scream bc she doesn't know someone. I've been exposing her to strangers more and more..My point is last time she was here she would literally hold her for hours and I crave that bc it's just me and her most days.
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  • VexedMommyVexedMommy member
    Do you wear your baby at all?  Maybe during the big party you can wear her so people can meet her, but not take her from you and play pass the baby.  During one on one time with your MIL, I would say try to be understanding of her desire to hold your LO, especially when she's happy and content.  If you formula feed or pump, maybe you can make/warm a bottle for LO if she starts to get hungry and let your MIL feed her. 

    It's incredibly important for our babies to be comfortable with us being gone for short periods of time and the only way they become comfortable is if they have the chance to experience it.  I would take your MIL up on her offer of babysitting, but keep it to 2 - 3hr time periods so that you're more comfortable.  Just like baby, the only way for you to get comfortable with it is to experience it.
    If there's something strange underneath the hood.  Who you gonna call?  Your Doctor.  If there's something weird and it don't look good.  Who you gonna call?  Your Doctor.  Immediately.  If it's new, painful, and possibly pregnancy related get your ass off the internet and call your doctor.  It's for your health and your child's. 




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  • vonmarie12vonmarie12 member
    I know a lot of people's MIL stresses them out, but I don't have one. I can tell you that it's hard to think that my little guy will only ever have one grandma to love on him and buy him ridiculous things and spoil him. I know this might not be the popular opinion, but while I am sure most MIL can be a bit trying they mean well. Try to appreciate the help and support they are able to give, because most of them really truly love their grandchildren.
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  • MiMary80MiMary80 member
    I would suggest you or your DH to explain to your MIL that having that many people over at once is a lot at one time for your LO. Let your MIL take her for awhile, but if it starts to be too much for her, explain that she needs some quiet time and take her to another room for a bit. Or just explain that all of the people are too much for her and that she needs her mom or dad for awhile. I think people understand, most have raised kids or have kids in their families and can relate.

    I would take your MIL up on watching your LO for a few hours. It will be good for you to start getting some alone time with your hubby. A couple hours here and there might be stressful at first but it has to happen at some point. Ease into it and it'll make any future necessary time away (for whatever reason) much more tolerable.
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  • kdoak2015kdoak2015 member
    edited April 2016
    natalknitter15 said:
    kdoak2015 said:
    This was our rule as well until MIL sent an email when DD was 1m old telling us she thinks she had an allergy and she would buy is this specific type
    of formula. I lost it and we didn't talk for 2 weeks and then it was a blow up. We are better now but she's still brutal. She came over the other day and I said I was going to head out for her nap and grab a coffee and drive around she then persisted to try and nap my baby even though I said we were going out. Then she asked to come with us lol. I simply said sorry we can't really chat while she naps so there is no point. She text me later insisting DH and i go out so she can watch her for a day.

    When  it comes to inlaws I always pick and choose my battles wisely. 
    I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. You think your MIL is "brutal" because she suggests specific types of formula, makes efforts to hang out with you guys, and volunteers to babysit so that two new parents can have alone time together? That sounds pretty good to me. Maybe I'm not understanding the context well enough. Sometimes I think we're too hard on our MILs... They're our babies, yes, absolutely. But being a grandparent can be such a special relationship and I think it's important to do what we can to foster that love, even if it means budging just a little bit to make room for them.
    There was way more to the story and even more back story I just didn't want to bore everyone with a long post. I'm not hard on my mil at all trust me. 
    I was just trying to share a little to let OP know she's not alone!
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  • JamieA322JamieA322 member
    I'm just going to throw this out there...maybe your separation anxiety from LO teaches her to be fearful of others. Try to relax a little. It may make you both feel better.

    I love holding my baby girl as much as anyone, but I realize the importance of grandparents as others have said. My dad passed 6 weeks before she was born. I wish he was here to hog her from me!
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  • AiramJAiramJ member
    Hi, I am from the Oct 15 board but my son was born in Nov, so lurking here :-)
    I totally feel the same. I get anxiety when it comes to my in laws. It's always been that way, even before baby. They are completely overbearing, full on and I feel drained after a day with them. It's even worse now because they hog my baby, snatch him from me and are all over him. My DH's mum wants to be there when I change his nappy, which I find weird and annoying. Why would someone want to be at a nappy change?! Last time at their house, lots of other family came over (all husbands side) and they grabbed my baby from me and passed him around between each other. I absolutely hate it. I would never leave my son out of my sight when with them because I don't trust them. We were eating muffins and we told MIL that we started giving baby solids and she started picking blueberries out the muffin, wanting to give it to baby. No way! And the other thing, my son, as all babies, chews on his hands and in laws always pull them out and tell him not to. It's not their place. I am happy for him to chew his hands! I have no solution how to cope :-(
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  • VexedMommyVexedMommy member
    AiramJ said:
    Hi, I am from the Oct 15 board but my son was born in Nov, so lurking here :-)
    I totally feel the same. I get anxiety when it comes to my in laws. It's always been that way, even before baby. They are completely overbearing, full on and I feel drained after a day with them. It's even worse now because they hog my baby, snatch him from me and are all over him. My DH's mum wants to be there when I change his nappy, which I find weird and annoying. Why would someone want to be at a nappy change?! Last time at their house, lots of other family came over (all husbands side) and they grabbed my baby from me and passed him around between each other. I absolutely hate it. I would never leave my son out of my sight when with them because I don't trust them. We were eating muffins and we told MIL that we started giving baby solids and she started picking blueberries out the muffin, wanting to give it to baby. No way! And the other thing, my son, as all babies, chews on his hands and in laws always pull them out and tell him not to. It's not their place. I am happy for him to chew his hands! I have no solution how to cope :-(
    Babywearing could also help you keep family from playing pass the baby.  When it comes to things like nappy changes, why not try letting your MIL do it herself instead of watching you.  It's incredibly difficult with your first baby, but you've got to let go a little bit.  No one is going to be as vigilant as you, but loosening up a little bit will be good for both you and your LO. 

    Have you ever left your child with anyone else for periods of time?  Do you leave your son with your DH and go do something you enjoy by yourself on occasion?  If not, why not try to do that a few times.  It will probably help you to calm down when you know you can leave your son and he's still happy, healthy, and loves you when you return. 
    If there's something strange underneath the hood.  Who you gonna call?  Your Doctor.  If there's something weird and it don't look good.  Who you gonna call?  Your Doctor.  Immediately.  If it's new, painful, and possibly pregnancy related get your ass off the internet and call your doctor.  It's for your health and your child's. 




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  • AiramJAiramJ member
    @VexedMommy thanks for your advice! My son just turned 5 months and I have only ever been without him for 2.5 hours and he was with my husband. I am going to see my friend this week and will leave baby with my husband. Anxiety kicked in already! But with the in laws...I feel like keeping them at arms length. I have always felt that nappy changing is my DH's and my job. I don't want anyone else doing it. The biggest issue is that husbands family expects everything, they don't ask but instead just take eg my baby from my arms. I also fee like I don't want to leave my son with anyone, because no one can take care of him like I do and I am scared something might happen when I am not around. I know this attitude is not healthy, but that's what it is at the moment. 
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  • nycmommy13nycmommy13 member
    Try to let your MIL have the baby a little more. My mother lives far away and we've talked about it but I know she should get to hold LO more than usual because of that. You just need to have the talk. So maybe try keeping LO in a baby carrier or wrap so that when MIL tries to take her, you can initiate the talk?
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  • rubirubi89rubirubi89 member
    I agree with PP, wearing the baby will stop most from wanting to pass him around. During the holidays I let a few people hold him right after we got there, then excused myself to go "change his diaper", came back wearing him and that was that. 

    To let MIL put in some "baby sitting" time in, we leave her in the house with the baby while DH and I work on the yard. Technically she's alone but we're about 40 ft away. MIL is a heavy set woman that walks with a cane, so I don't trust her completely alone with him, I don't care how much she whines, that's as "alone" as they'll ever be.
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  • GoogleMDGoogleMD member
    rubirubi89 said:
    I agree with PP, wearing the baby will stop most from wanting to pass him around. During the holidays I let a few people hold him right after we got there, then excused myself to go "change his diaper", came back wearing him and that was that. 

    To let MIL put in some "baby sitting" time in, we leave her in the house with the baby while DH and I work on the yard. Technically she's alone but we're about 40 ft away. MIL is a heavy set woman that walks with a cane, so I don't trust her completely alone with him, I don't care how much she whines, that's as "alone" as they'll ever be.
    This does not work with my MIL and BIL. They have no problem putting me on the spot to hold him while he is in the carrier, and will then carry him all around the house. I have to watch them like a hawk to make sure they dont do shit like try to give him diet coke or ice cream (yes that almost happened). Not surprisingly they have never gotten to babysit ( and wont for many years).
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