Used baby shower gift

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

I just want people's opinions about how you feel about giving used gifts for a baby shower (or any occasion):

We are having a boy and just received a wrapped gift from someone who can't make it to our baby shower. It is a very heavily used purple polka dot baby carrier. The brand is "New Bealer" and I'm pretty sure it is a hand me down from her granddaughter who is now 4 or 5. Either that or she got it at a garage sale which she is known to do.

I do not expect/demand gifts and genuinely appreciate a card if the person can't/doesn't want to buy something. I appreciate the thought, but where i come from, used gifts or hand me downs are usually given in a more casual setting and not wrapped up for a special occasion. (Like if she said "hey my son has a baby carrier he doesn't need anymore, would you like it?")

It's my dad's wife who I don't know well so of course I thanked her profusely and told her I wished she could be at the shower. personally though I just find it a little tacky (so does my husband). It's also a little weird bc my dad got us a babies r us gift card and told me not to tell her because she's "against" giving gift cards. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing but im "against" giving heavily used items as "gifts" (she's done this before to everyone for Christmas, etc).

It is not in good condition either so I will not use it. probably will keep it around until she visits and then throw it away after.

My question is: do people give used gifts for special occasions? Is this common/something my friends and family have not experienced? Thanks in advance for your opinions!

Bringmemylongswordho · April 2016

So your dad's wife gives, not so great gifts. Send a thank you card and move on. Life's too short to get upset over a gift.

karlimonster · April 2016

I feel like you smile and say "thanks". Stash it away until she visits, then toss it or donate it. I totally feel you on this--I dislike clutter and holding onto things I consider unnecessary. You don't expect anything and don't want an item that feels like a forced after thought. Hopefully you can think of something clever to dissuade her from doing this in the future or if she asks you can say "no thank you, we don't need anything. Thanks for thinking of us though".

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

@Bringmemylongswordho yeah thanks, I have enough etiquette and tact to know how to handle the situation going forward. I just wanted other ladies' opinions on whether or not they thought this was a faux pas as well or if giving used gifts for a baby shower is something I've just never encountered.

ballofmeat · April 2016

I think you are getting way too worked up over a gift that was given. I would send a thank you card and be happy she thought of you. Your post comes off a bit pretentious. Not everyone who has a baby these days can afford brand spanking new items. Calling a used item gross because you don't know where it's been is a little over the top. Its not like she gave you used underwear.

You can not dictate what people give to you by what you "think" they can afford. It is not only rude, but makes you seem ungrateful. You also say that you do not expect or demand gifts from people, but it sure seems like you have a lot of rules on gift giving...

Edited: post was cut off.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

@midwestbaby maybe my post didn't come off with the right tone (it is a post typed on my phone after all). But I did say that I don't ever expect anyone to give me anything at all or more than they can afford. My issue is with giving something that looks very very old and beat up (hence my use of the word gross, which you seem to assume is gratuitous). All I am asking is if it is normal for people to give used gifts. Where I come from that is not polite/thoughtful unless you say "hi I have an old XYZ we don't need anymore, would you like it?" We are all from different backgrounds-was just trying to see if this is a common practice of which I may be unaware.

Also this board is supposed to be a place where we can post and ask for opinions and not get judged and called pretentious by strangers.

ballofmeat · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

@midwestbaby maybe my post didn't come off with the right tone (it is a post typed on my phone after all). But I did say that I don't ever expect anyone to give me anything at all or more than they can afford. My issue is with giving something that looks very very old and beat up (hence my use of the word gross, which you seem to assume is gratuitous). All I am asking is if it is normal for people to give used gifts. Where I come from that is not polite/thoughtful unless you say "hi I have an old XYZ we don't need anymore, would you like it?" We are all from different backgrounds-was just trying to see if this is a common practice of which I may be unaware.

Also this board is supposed to be a place where we can post and ask for opinions and not get judged and called pretentious by strangers.

You also can not dictate how people respond to a public message board. You asked for an opinion and I gave one. Not every response you get is going to be rainbows and sunshine. I thought your post sounded pretentious, when someone gives you a gift you say thank you, used or not. Whether you use it or not is up to you.

kiwico14 · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

@midwestbaby maybe my post didn't come off with the right tone (it is a post typed on my phone after all). But I did say that I don't ever expect anyone to give me anything at all or more than they can afford. My issue is with giving something that looks very very old and beat up (hence my use of the word gross, which you seem to assume is gratuitous). All I am asking is if it is normal for people to give used gifts. Where I come from that is not polite/thoughtful unless you say "hi I have an old XYZ we don't need anymore, would you like it?" We are all from different backgrounds-was just trying to see if this is a common practice of which I may be unaware.

Also this board is supposed to be a place where we can post and ask for opinions and not get judged and called pretentious by strangers.

I agree with @midwestbaby and
@Bringmemylongswordho. While you did acknowledge that you don't expect people to buy you gifts beyond their means, the rest of your post seems to contradict that and comes off as ungrateful. No matter what background you come from, isn't it polite to accept a gift with grace, even if you don't like it? Also, would you seriously demand that someone ask your permission before giving you a gift?

To respond specifically to your question about norms: in my experience, it's perfectly acceptable to gift gently used baby items. Hopefully they are clean and cared-for. Often, I've seen someone give a "feature" gift of a new item, along with a few smaller gifts of used items.

Bringmemylongswordho · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

@Bringmemylongswordho yeah thanks, I have enough etiquette and tact to know how to handle the situation going forward. I just wanted other ladies' opinions on whether or not they thought this was a faux pas as well or if giving used gifts for a baby shower is something I've just never encountered.

Seriously, you asked for opinions and spent a paragraph detailing that step MIL has given used gifts before. Maybe she doesn't like you and gives you subpar gifts out of spite, maybe she grew up poor and is always looking for a deal because she never buys new, or maybe she's totally oblivious. No one here can actually answer that, so the next best piece of advice is to let it go.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

@Bringmemylongswordho all of your hypothetical "maybe"scenarios are actually incorrect. She gives those gifts to everyone and she is not poor.

@midwestbaby @skelly70 actually I did say thank you and was very gracious to her. I think the point of my post was completely lost and this thread seems to have addressed it better https://www.whattoexpect.com/groups/m/april-2016-babies/discussion/47042178

My point is not assigning arbitrary "rules"to the gift giving process. But there is something called etiquette when it comes to "occasion gifts". Also for your information I am actually not someone that focuses a lot on gifts. I find thoughtful experiences/spending time together to be worth way more. Also I'm not demanding someone ask me permission to give a gift. I guess if it was me, I would give a new gift, or even just a card, for an occasion-any occasion (birthday, wedding, baby shower, etc). Lots of times I give hand me downs to friends but I check first if it's something they actually would want/need and it's not a gift for a special occasion. Again, that is me and where I'm from. ***Was just asking what other people have experienced. And venting a little because I would never say these things to the gift giver.***

Thank you @skelly70 for actually answering my question too. That was the point- to hear other people's experiences/opinions about giving used gifts for special occasions. I apologize that I did not state that simply from the get go so some of you could comprehend it. Have a blessed day.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

Also don't tell me to "let it go" like it's something I'm dwelling on. It happened a few hrs ago and I posted a question on a pregnancy message board. Chill out.

bearsandbeets7 · April 2016

In my experience a lot of people give hand me downs as gifts. Babies outgrow things so fast that most items don't get used very much. I wouldn't get so worked up over a gift. Just stick it in the back of the closet and pull it out if she ever asks about it. Or just toss it and if she ever asks about it say that I didn't work for you. Not that big of a deal.

Bringmemylongswordho · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

@Bringmemylongswordho all of your hypothetical "maybe"scenarios are actually incorrect. She gives those gifts to everyone and she is not poor.

But we don’t know any of this. Your definition of "poor" might not reflect the realities of her financial situation. None of us know her, so how could we know why she gave you that particular gift? Even if she is giving you a purposefully "bad" gift, what are you going to do? Nothing good is going to come from confronting her about it, so it doesn't really matter what her reasoning is.

Your step MIL gives used items as questionable quality as gifts, and apparently this is an established pattern. You could keep worrying and wondering why, or just, you know, let it go.

haboobjob · April 2016

So she's cheap? Who cares. Your dad obviously tried to make up for it by buying a gift card, which shouldn't matter to you since you don't care about gifts. She tried to do a nice thing and although may it seem a little tacky, it's not a personal attack on just you (you mentioned she does it to everyone).

In defense of the other girls, it just seems like you didn't get the response you wanted so you're just taking it out on other people. I get it... we can all blame it on pregnancy hormones but just take a breather and think about the big picture. You don't have to use it. Donate it to someone in your community that needs it.

gadzooks_3 · April 2016

The impression I get is that you are not so much upset about this situation but confused and wondering if perhaps she is functioning from a different set of conventions than you are. Far from looking for a reason to look down upon her, I get the impression that she does this in a very common place way and you are wondering "am I just crazy to think this weird?" - please correct me if I am wrong.

In my own experience people have been very kind and generous in offering gently used baby related items since I have announced. This seems common practice. In my own, admittedly limited, experience such items are not wrapped and presented as formal gifts and doing so would fall outside the norm.

That said, I think this is easily one of those culturally variable things. After all, while used gifts may seem odd, vintage or antique items are regularly given as gifts so clearly there is room for differentiation in opinion.

I would be interested to hear about others ideas about whether this us the "norm" I would gather from the reactions here thst for some people the idea of formally gifting a used item is not only normal but that concern over the newness of the item seems pretentious - thst is really interesting! (My sociologist self is showing here).

It sounds like it may just be, as you say, cultural differences.

It sounds like you have thanked step-mom graciously and have plans to move on, but just wanted some perspectives. I hope you get them. Sometimes adding in the dynamics of blended families can make simple interactions even more perplexing, so I get why you wanted some outside perspectives.

Cheers.

BostonBaby1 · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

@Bringmemylongswordho all of your hypothetical "maybe"scenarios are actually incorrect. She gives those gifts to everyone and she is not poor.

@midwestbaby @skelly70 actually I did say thank you and was very gracious to her. I think the point of my post was completely lost and this thread seems to have addressed it better https://www.whattoexpect.com/groups/m/april-2016-babies/discussion/47042178

My point is not assigning arbitrary "rules"to the gift giving process. But there is something called etiquette when it comes to "occasion gifts". Also for your information I am actually not someone that focuses a lot on gifts. I find thoughtful experiences/spending time together to be worth way more. Also I'm not demanding someone ask me permission to give a gift. I guess if it was me, I would give a new gift, or even just a card, for an occasion-any occasion (birthday, wedding, baby shower, etc). Lots of times I give hand me downs to friends but I check first if it's something they actually would want/need and it's not a gift for a special occasion. Again, that is me and where I'm from. ***Was just asking what other people have experienced. And venting a little because I would never say these things to the gift giver.***

Thank you @skelly70 for actually answering my question too. That was the point- to hear other people's experiences/opinions about giving used gifts for special occasions. I apologize that I did not state that simply from the get go so some of you could comprehend it. Have a blessed day.

Seems like you actually do focus a lot on gifts.

It isn't you, it is somebody else.

Neesey · April 2016

I am in a similar boat with my mother in law. She is addicted to shopping at garage sales and thrift stores. Some things I have liked but others make me wonder what she was thinking. I have just learned to accept these gifts and take them down to donate after she leaves. I know she means well but just because I say I like cobalt blue doesn't mean I want everything cobalt you see including dolphin wine glasses that weigh 5lbs a piece. I have learned to be very specific with her about things I like it I'm looking for and that has helped a lot. With my son, she seemed to think we had a rabbit theme so she got us a TON of rabbit items for his Starry Night themed nursery. When I mentioned that I needed a mobile, I told her the style and design we were looking for so she had something specific to look for. I used to be more sensitive about it but now I just giggle with DH about the qwerks that make her her.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

***lurking lurker***

Goodness. How lucky you are to have someone giving you baby items to help support you in the future. How EXTRA lucky you are to be so privileged that you can simply throw them out.

My opinion? Stop spending time writing multiple threads on different websites complaining about this privilege and instead go thank whatever higher power you believe in or just your lucky stars.

ImAMouseDuh · April 2016

** Removed for TOU violation **

fwtx5815 · April 2016

To answer your question, it would seem odd to me if someone wrapped up an obviously used gift and presented it in a shower-type setting. That's not the norm in my circle. Usually gently used items are just handed over without wrapping or anything.

FWIW, I think you're getting the responses above because you gave too much detail about your stepmother's gifting habits and it does come across as dwelling on it. If you had simply asked "is XYZ a common practice in your circle?" and left it at that, you likely would have gotten the feedback you're looking for.

fwtx5815 · April 2016

Aug2016BBNY said:

I just want people's opinions about how you feel about giving used gifts for a baby shower (or any occasion):

We are having a boy and just received a wrapped gift from someone who can't make it to our baby shower. It is a very heavily used purple polka dot baby carrier. The brand is "New Bealer" and I'm pretty sure it is a hand me down from her granddaughter who is now 4 or 5. Either that or she got it at a garage sale which she is known to do.

I do not expect/demand gifts and genuinely appreciate a card if the person can't/doesn't want to buy something. I appreciate the thought, but where i come from, used gifts or hand me downs are usually given in a more casual setting and not wrapped up for a special occasion. (Like if she said "hey my son has a baby carrier he doesn't need anymore, would you like it?")

It's my dad's wife who I don't know well so of course I thanked her profusely and told her I wished she could be at the shower. personally though I just find it a little tacky (so does my husband). It's also a little weird bc my dad got us a babies r us gift card and told me not to tell her because she's "against" giving gift cards. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing but im "against" giving heavily used items as "gifts" (she's done this before to everyone for Christmas, etc).

It is not in good condition either so I will not use it. probably will keep it around until she visits and then throw it away after.

My question is: do people give used gifts for special occasions? Is this common/something my friends and family have not experienced? Thanks in advance for your opinions!

quoting for posterity

[Deleted User] · April 2016

fwtx5815 said:

To answer your question, it would seem odd to me if someone wrapped up an obviously used gift and presented it in a shower-type setting. That's not the norm in my circle. Usually gently used items are just handed over without wrapping or anything.

FWIW, I think you're getting the responses above because you gave too much detail about your stepmother's gifting habits and it does come across as dwelling on it. If you had simply asked "is XYZ a common practice in your circle?" and left it at that, you likely would have gotten the feedback you're looking for.

Agreed. If all you wanted to know was if gifting used items was common then just ask that. When you add in a ton of detail about how gross it was or how you didn't like it or need it you come off like you're super worked up over it.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

FYI This is my only thread about this topic (i rarely ever post to these things which is probably why i don't understand your arbitrary message board social norms) but apparently some people do feel the same way from what I've read on Google. To be clear, I was looking for commentary and opinions (good or bad) about giving used gifts for special occasions. I was not looking for commentary and opinions on my ability to draft message board questions. I guess my post was part question/part rant because, again, where I come from (i.e., my family, friends, social circle etc) giving a heavily used item specifically as a special occasion gift is a bit tacky. But (because I was surprised at this gift and acknowledged that I may be predisposed to reacting a certain way with this specific gift giver) I wanted to hear-and was open to hearing- other people's experiences. I was not open to people telling me that I'm selfish or "focused on gifts" when they don't even know me.

Thanks for @fwtx5815 and @liljabee for actually responding substantively to the question. I'm not looking for people who simply agree with me and say "oh how terrible for you". That's not the point. this was supposed to be intelligent constructive discourse about etiquette/what people around this country in different regions experience/think is socially appropriate. Yes, I added some detail venting a bit of frustration (which i thought was allowed on these boards) and am sorry that distracted some of you. I thank the rest of you who stayed on topic.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

Thank you @antoto

FiancB · April 2016

I wrote right on my registry that used items are fine. For some of the bigger ticket items, I'd rather get something used than not get it at all. I wouldn't hesitate to buy something used myself, so why wouldn't I accept it for a gift? That said, I wouldn't love it if someone gave me something that was obviously heavily used, especially a carrier that could be a safety issue. But oh well, it's no skin off your teeth. Say thank you and get rid of it when you get a chance as you said and move on.

My family is full of terrible gifters. My sister said she found something perfect for us for a wedding gift. It ended up being... really cheap motorcycle saddlebags? Note: we do not own motorcycles. I wonder if she thought they were horse ones (I had a horse at the time but didn't trail ride and H doesn't ride) or for bicycles. We opened it like wtf? We donated them and then wrote a thank you note. Now she's saying she found something great for my nursing school graduation and we're wondering what she'll think of next. It's just become a joke between my husband and me.

It's probably not everyone else concerned that needs to chill out here... there are worse things than receiving something you dislike at a shower. I'm pretty sure that's just expected at a shower.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

FiancB said:

I wrote right on my registry that used items are fine. For some of the bigger ticket items, I'd rather get something used than not get it at all. I wouldn't hesitate to buy something used myself, so why wouldn't I accept it for a gift? That said, I wouldn't love it if someone gave me something that was obviously heavily used, especially a carrier that could be a safety issue. But oh well, it's no skin off your teeth. Say thank you and get rid of it when you get a chance as you said and move on.

My family is full of terrible gifters. My sister said she found something perfect for us for a wedding gift. It ended up being... really cheap motorcycle saddlebags? Note: we do not own motorcycles. I wonder if she thought they were horse ones (I had a horse at the time but didn't trail ride and H doesn't ride) or for bicycles. We opened it like wtf? We donated them and then wrote a thank you note. Now she's saying she found something great for my nursing school graduation and we're wondering what she'll think of next. It's just become a joke between my husband and me.

It's probably not everyone else concerned that needs to chill out here... there are worse things than receiving something you dislike at a shower. I'm pretty sure that's just expected at a shower.

Thank you for contributing. I'm not debating whether I should say thank you and be grateful to receive anything at all. Trust me, as someone that was almost homeless at one point in my life, I appreciate every single privilege I have. And of course, whether you like something or not, you should always be gracious to the gift giver. I so regret not just asking this simple question in the first place: "in your family/social circle, is it common/acceptable to give an unsolicited used gift (in my case it was heavily used, but my question pertains to any obviously used item) as a wrapped special occasion gift (for a wedding, birthday, baby shower, any kind of special event)?" Whether your answer is yes or no, that is fine - I just wanted to know and thought it would be interesting to hear from different people. None of us know each other so none of us have any right to judge each other's character or jump to conclusions. I offered the specifics of my particular gift to vent a little (bc i found this gift thoughtful but odd) and to give context for my question. I appreciate those who gave constructive and civil feedback and will be sure to keep my posts simple/rant-free in the future so as to not invite criticism of my character. I'm totally new to message boards in general so pardon my ignorance.

Stephanie7693 · April 2016

I've given used baby stuff for gifts, but always with something I bought brand new. I typically will just give the used stuff to them separately, but if I dot see them much I will add it to a gift. Like this year I stuffed some of my son's old clothes in with my nephews Christmas gift. But I would find it strange to receive a used item and nothing else. But some people give gifts differently, and used items are totally acceptable as a gift.

mmclark10 · April 2016

My MIL gives used gifts for every occasion as well. Usually not items we need or want. I can't even begin to explain how many items we just look at each other in the car on the way home and say "WTF? Does she even know us?" Especially since much of it would end up as clutter and both DH and I like to purge... But, we say thanks and then use what we can and donate the rest. This year, we've decided to just roll with how she gives gifts and will buy her lots of small things rather than the one large gift we usually get them, she seems disappointed by the one nice thing. It's pleasant.

I wouldn't find it strange from MIL, as it seems you wouldn't also, but yes, if others without a history of gift-giving in that style brought something used it would seem a bit out of place. We handle it the same way you did, say thank you and move on. I still like to share with someone the oddness of the gifts she does choose sometimes though. Like the random coasters with dogs playing cards on them we got for Christmas a couple years ago. Or the foam blocks she brought for DS a few months ago...with teeth marks in them.

Aug2016BBNY · April 2016

mmclark10 said:

My MIL gives used gifts for every occasion as well. Usually not items we need or want. I can't even begin to explain how many items we just look at each other in the car on the way home and say "WTF? Does she even know us?" Especially since much of it would end up as clutter and both DH and I like to purge... But, we say thanks and then use what we can and donate the rest. This year, we've decided to just roll with how she gives gifts and will buy her lots of small things rather than the one large gift we usually get them, she seems disappointed by the one nice thing. It's pleasant.

I wouldn't find it strange from MIL, as it seems you wouldn't also, but yes, if others without a history of gift-giving in that style brought something used it would seem a bit out of place. We handle it the same way you did, say thank you and move on. I still like to share with someone the oddness of the gifts she does choose sometimes though. Like the random coasters with dogs playing cards on them we got for Christmas a couple years ago. Or the foam blocks she brought for DS a few months ago...with teeth marks in them.

Thanks! yeah it is interesting to see what other people have experienced on this issue. In my particular scenario, it wasn't my MIL but my dad's wife who I do not know very well at all (met her about 3 times in person, and not super close with my dad either), but I don't know her well enough to make any judgments about her intentions- I'm assuming it's just her personal background. It just got me thinking (esp since my husband seems to really be bothered by it). He comes from a fam of big gift givers (I don't- I prefer thoughtful, more meaningful gifts, but when I am invited to an event I understand that some people want "things" so I am cognizant of that and if I am not close to the person I buy something new/off their registry). I've definitely given hand me downs to close friends/fam in a more casual setting. I love buying/getting used things in great condition (there is no point in ever paying full price for something, esp if it is not something you will use for a long time).

The foam blocks with teeth marks are insane- someone once told me that they received a used pack n play, but that it was previously used for the gift-giver's DOG and had dog hair all over it! Those are truly the instances where "it's the thought that counts"!

Nikkoli98 · April 2016

A different perspective here. For my wedding, which we opted for no gifts, my sister still bought us a 100 year old vintage chalkboard which she beautifully sketched and displayed at our wedding. Obviously used but full of character and presented as a formal gift, it was an amazing idea and we treasure it!!

As a previous poster pointed out, her sister attempted something similar (saddle bags) which turned out to be a little off. As in your case, maybe all your gifter saw something she thought was useful and pretty, but doesn't have an eye for noticing how worn it actually was. Maybe she saw pictures online where the condition wasn't obvious. In my opinion, not everybody has the same skill with regards to selection of used gifts. Some people don't have an eye for the smaller details, and that's okay, she obviously made the time and effort to get a gift. She could have easily also purchased you something new that you might have never used!!

That being said, both my sister and sister-in-law have asked to host a baby shower for me (geographically 8 hours apart). I intend to ask both of them to please notify the guests that used/repurposed items are requested - and I won't be using a registry. I'm sure to end up with some outdated items, but I suspect I'll end up with some gems of items I might have never sought out on my own. (Side note: there are also some items for safety/sanitary reason I will simply purchase new - car seats, crib mattresses, baby bottles, etc.)

But basically, babies and kids outgrow things so fast, I think it's more practical to seek out used items when possible and bank the savings for their future education, experiences, etc. For me it also plays into the fact that I want my children to understand the value of a dollar, and making choices like this from the beginning will help them learn that.

And while I suppose none of this actually answers your question about "norms", it's another (perhaps untraditional) perspective.

SkiChic626 · April 2016

My grandmother does this - not with baby gifts necessarily, but she's done it with Christmas, birthdays and graduation gifts...I find it really weird, but it's old people, you know?? I just roll my eyes and say thanks. I personally would NEVER give someone a used item as a gift - a casual hand-me-down, hey do you want this I've used it but it's in good condition still, yes, but I wouldn't consider it a gift. I would, however, regift something if it's never been opened, but I think that's different. For example, DD got a few repeat gifts on her bday last year, and since we have a niece who's only 9 mos younger, we held onto some of the repeats and have given those items as gifts since they were completely unopened and something I would have bought for her anyway.

Mfuller76 · April 2016

Could be worse. At least she's not Aunt Bethany.

SkiChic626 · April 2016

midwestbaby said:

I think you are getting way too worked up over a gift that was given. I would send a thank you card and be happy she thought of you. Your post comes off a bit pretentious. Not everyone who has a baby these days can afford brand spanking new items. Calling a used item gross because you don't know where it's been is a little over the top. Its not like she gave you used underwear.

You can not dictate what people give to you by what you "think" they can afford. It is not only rude, but makes you seem ungrateful. You also say that you do not expect or demand gifts from people, but it sure seems like you have a lot of rules on gift giving...

Edited: post was cut off.

I have to say, while I agree it's not something to get worked up about, I don't agree that it's over the top to call it gross. I have definitely received hand-me-downs from people I actually know that I thought were used-looking and gross. I usually just donate them or throw them out if it doesn't seem salvageable. That said, since OP didn't even know where this carrier came from, yeah, I'd think it's gross, too. It reminds me of the Big Bang Theory episode when Penny pulls a chair out of the garbage and brings it to her apartment, and when Sheldon finds out it was someone's garbage, he freaks out. Extreme example, but yeah, if you don't know where something came from, I don't think it's over the top to be a bit skeeved.

Snaps816 · April 2016

I'm with you about the used gifts -- I think it is a faux pas unless it's done in a more casual way. Like my mom might text me and say "Hey, at a thrift shop and found a pretty decent used (whatever), do you want it?" Or as you said, other parents/grandparents offering a hand-me-down. Or something that is a vintage item and was bought specifically because its age makes it special and unique.

Others have piled on you for being pretentious or ungrateful, but it's obvious you know the polite thing to do is just smile and accept the gift and send a thank-you-note. I think the bigger question is what to do with a gift like that when it's from someone who will probably visit. I think you are going to have to keep it around, or risk hurting her feelings if she sees you aren't using it. My MIL is a big QVC shopper and tends to buy random things because they seem like a great deal. We often end up with things we can't use, but I keep them around for her (once or twice a year) visits.

bearsandbeets7 · April 2016

@Mfuller76 you are my favorite person today! I love the movie Christmas vacation and make DH watch it at least 5 times during the Christmas season starting the day after Halloween.

charmedlifex3 · April 2016

I would say it definitely depends on the item and the condition. There is a difference between used & soiled and used & "like new" - and some items it makes more sense than others. One of my girl friends even mentioned how when she's been at thrift stores looking for things for *her* son, she's been unable to resist teeny tiny clothes for our son. I have no issues with this - I know she would never gift us something "soiled."

But - for babies, a lot of times used means "we took the tags off, washed it, and he outgrew it before he wore it" or "Wore it once" - and the lack of wear / staining makes the item like new.

Buying things used is better for the planet, so I support doing so pretty much whenever possible. My friends know this, so it wouldn't be strange for me to get used baby clothes as a gift. I gave my husband a used diaper cover as a gift... it was a rare out of print one he just thought was SO COOL and it was in like new condition.

It sounds like you didn't let her odd gift (s) preclude you from good manners and were just checking to see if this is a social norm. I know a "Hometown reception" I found gift grabby and horrifying, but my husband assured me is totally normal in the mid west (where he is from, and was talking about this occurring.) Apparently it is (I checked with friends from the Midwest, and they knew what this was and thought it was normal, in fact were confused I thought it was odd.) In New England - it's weird, and a bit of a faux paus. Social norms can vary from area to area, or social group to social group.

I'd say the fact it was used wasn't what made it a strange gift, but that it was visibly soiled, and one of those things which safety standards shift on. It would have been less weird if this was, for example, gently used onesies.

I'd just accept the fact she is a bit odd... and nope, you're not missing something. That was a bit of a strange gift, but it sounds like it's normal - for her.

greengirl0909 · April 2016

A used gift would be a little weird for me too. It's one thing to drop by something, but to say it's a "gift" is a little weird. Also, if the carrier was a really nice one, like a hand woven wrap or something that costs a lot of money that might make sense to be regifted as a used gift, but that carrier isn't expensive to begin with. Like you I'd think- weird, say thanks and move on.

Jaspertheyoungturnip · April 2016

Jeez, too many of you are very harsh, angry people! Calm yourselves. She mentioned it was a HEAVILY USED CAR SEAT. That's an extreme hazard, especially considering if it was picked up at a garage sale, there's no way to know the age and car seats expire at 5 years. Almost everything I have for my daughter is a hand me down because I'm not having a shower, and I'm not sure of any of your backgrounds, but I grew up in extreme poverty. That does NOT mean I should be overly grateful for a gift that is actually dangerous just because I don't have lots of money. If you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, Don't Say It? You are calling her out for being too worked up, but this doesn't actually affect a single one of you and youre all equally worked up. Who knew life never stopped being like high school with all this petty trash talk.

No, obviously beat up gifts are not normal where I come from. In fact, it'd be considered pretty rude to give something like a car seat that doesn't meet safety standards.

the_other_mother · April 2016

Actually @Knottie1442786653 she did not say it was a car seat. She said it was a baby carrier. Not the same thing.

ThisisNumber3 · April 2016

I think its ok to give a used gift if you know the mother well and know she's open to used items. Additionally making sure its a good condition gift thats gender neutral is key.

It doesn't sound like this gift met that criteria and its just something to smile and nod over.

lmtrmama · April 2016

My fiances family only gives used gifts. I personally would never give a used gift, and I know what you mean about it being heavily used because all of theirs are too! My MIL actually called me once to tell me that she found a crib in the trash that she could "probably clean with wipes" for us!

Im sure that you were gracious with the gift! I always say thank you and act excited. Then, on the way home, I drop it at goodwill!

I am with you though! I know some people do things differently and while I definitely use and buy used items for myself, but there is a difference between used and ready for the trash!

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