Recent Loss, 1st pregnancy, A few questions

nmd9168 · April 2016

I found out that I had miscarried my first baby at app 7 weeks on Thursday, the 31st (through an ultrasound). It was horrible and unexpected. The doctor didn't even have an ultrasound scheduled, and then had the tech fit me in so I could see my "healthy little baby". And then I heard those awful 4 words "There isn't a heartbeat".I was by myself and devastated. I had the d&c yesterday afternoon (April 2nd). I am not feeling horrible, but not great. Mostly just an emotional wreck. This is my first time and I guess i have a few questions because I am so lost and I don't know where to look or ask. First, when will my body go back to normal? I am still experiencing some pregnancy symptoms (heartburn, breast tenderness, bloating). Every time I feel one of the symptoms, it is a horrible reminder that they are for nothing because nothing is there anymore. Second, and I really don't even know how to word this, how am I supposed to go back to my "normal" life? I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to have to explain how and what happened. Sorry for such a negative post. I am not myself, just a depressed, recluse.

moosette113 · April 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It's unfortunate that you have found yourself on this board, but the people here are a wealth of support and are absolutely wonderful. I had my D&C on March 9th. I believe my heartburn and breast tenderness went away in about a week, though it took 1.5-2 weeks for my breasts to shrink back down to pre-pregnancy size.

As for going back to normal life, I'm not sure that anyone who goes through loss will go entirely back to the way they were. Time definitely helps, but know that all of your emotions are completely valid. You're allowed to be depressed and not yourself. You also don't HAVE to talk to anyone about your experience- you don't owe anyone an explanation. Many people find that it helps to process their feelings by sharing with friends/family/professionals, but if you aren't up for talking about it, you don't have to. Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with grief.

I hope that you are able to find whatever support you need from your friends and family, and here as well. *Hugs*

BrightenMySky · April 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. I also found out from an u/s without any sign of what was going on, and I was alone, too. So devastating to hear those words.

It will probably take a while to get back to normal, and that might look a little different than how it did before. Someone here (I think) described moving from bad days to good days with bad moments, and I think that is a pretty good description of how my feelings progressed and where I'm kind of at now--but the bad moments can be pretty dark. At the beginning, very hard to do anything other than the basics, and I spent a lot of time curled up alone.

Echoing @moosette113's lovely words that I hope you can get support from those around you as you want and need it, as well as on this board. You don't have to talk to anyone about it. I found that it felt good after a while to talk about it--when I was at a point where I could say a few words about it without crying--but eventually I did find that it helped me honor the loss to have people around me acknowledge it. Talking with a professional with expertise in this area can also be helpful.

ETA: In terms of physical symptoms, I also had bloating and tenderness post-d&c. Morning sickness went away for me pretty quickly after the d&c. Did get migraines for a bit after, I assume as my hormones crashed, and I think I had some days where I really felt out of control of my emotions, and while I know I was grieving, I think the hormonal aspect was in play, too. It sucks to go through something like this emotionally and have your body going through the physical aspects at the same time. Is your doctor monitoring your HCG levels at all? Seems like some do & some don't.

MooFish2364 · April 2016

So sorry for your loss. I also didn't know anything was wrong and went to my appt excited to see my baby for the first time. Nothing can prepare you for that. Although the the pain from the loss never goes away, it does get easier. I remember feeling like an alien for weeks after because I was carrying around all of this grief that no one knew about it. I felt like I was so different and couldn't relate to anyone. Just be kind and patient with yourself. It's not always easy and my DH tells me that all the time.

Miss far as your body returning back to normal - it is different for everyone. It also depends on how high your Hcg was. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I had my d&c and while my symptoms went away pretty quickly, I didn't get my first AF for 5+ weeks.

nmd9168 · April 2016

Thanks everyone for the kind words. It is appreciated more than you know. I haven't really had my HCG tested since I first found out I was pregnant. I've only taken 4 days off of work, with most people not even knowing that I was pregnant. I just hope that I keep busy enough to where I don't think about everything all of the time.

rkroupa · April 2016

@mmd9168 I am so sorry for your loss. I found out about my miscarriage at my 8 week ultrasound and had no indication that anything was wrong, either. I had blighted ovum and the embryo never formed, but I had all the pregnancy symptoms. The symptoms went away about 1-1.5 weeks after the D&C - but I will be honest with you, your hormones will be going crazy for a little longer than that. I'm 5 weeks post D&C and I still get hormonal and angry/frustrated/sad, etc. but I still haven't gotten my AF, so I don't know if that plays a part in it too.

I took a week off of work. For me, talking about it helped a lot, but everyone reacts differently. I hope you do get the support you need. This board has been amazing for me - I didn't know anyone who had a M/C so being able to compare experiences really helped me.

Hugs to you. It will get better.

E2theB · April 2016

I just found out today that we lost our baby. Today I would have been 9 weeks 4 days.

The worst symptoms I had were sore breasts, hormonal breakouts and exhaustion. Other than that, no morning sickness and only a small amount of nausea/gagging. I felt fantastic all last week. I hadn't felt any major symptoms except slight nausea two weeks ago.

On Friday we decided to tell husband's mom and grandmom, and I had just told my boss on Thursday. I had been having diarrhea all day Friday (TMI) but thought nothing of it. Then after dinner Friday, I started having cramps. I noticed I was also starting to bleed. The bleeding got worse and I passed several clots, ranging in size from about a quarter to the size of an apple slice. I had pretty bad cramps (worse than normal period) and strong backache, and a headache similar to what I normally get the day before my period. I also vomited once. But then everything calmed down for the night. I called the doctor's emergency line, and my doctor advised me to phone back if I bled through a pad an hour. The bleeding wasn't that bad, and tapered to small spotting all weekend. So I thought maybe it was just a complication and we were ok.

Called the doctor for follow up this morning, and they had me come in for ultrasound. The tech said she saw no evidence of a pregnancy. I was devastated, but in my heart I just knew it all weekend. I hadn't even made it to my first real exam- it was scheduled for next Monday.

I'm so confused and upset and frankly pissed off. This was my first pregnancy, and I'm 32 years old. I waited until I was married and we were ready to have a child and here I am denied my only wish. I'm feeling more angry than sad right now. They're going to continue to monitor my levels and have me come in for a few follow ups. Hopefully there's nothing out of the ordinary and we can try again. But I'm so upset I don't even want to think about that for a while. I keep wondering if I had asked for scans or tests sooner, if anything could have helped. I just wanted this so very badly. We had been trying for 6 months. I know that's not long, but my husband and I have been together for 6 years and we really wanted to start our family. Now it's just more of the waiting game. And that just makes the heart ache.

rkroupa · April 2016

@E2theB I am so so sorry for your loss. It is such a hard thing to go through. Do not blame yourself though - there is nothing that you could have done differently. Did you have a blighted ovum? That's what I had. I had the same symptoms you did, the worst was the sore breasts and exhaustion. I never had any complications, any bleeding or anything and went in for my 8 week ultrasound and the gestational sac was empty. The embryo never formed.

Make sure that you let yourself grieve and get angry, sad, etc. There is no evidence that shows one miscarraige leads to a second one (that's what is giving me hope). Mine was my first pregnancy too. Try to take it one day at a time and know that whatever emotions you are feeling are normal. I found that talking about it really helped, but everyone copes differently.

We are all here for you and these boards have been a gigantic help for me.

Hugs.

nmd9168 · April 2016

@E2theB I am very sorry for your loss. It is so darn frustrating and absolutely heartbreaking. I really know the feeling, as both of ours were so close together. My husband and I were in the same boat: We waited until we were financially ready and had a house of our own to share with a baby. I hate to be jealous and spiteful, but I sometimes feel like I'm getting screwed because I see all of these women/girls who are popping out babies that don't even want them, and I really want to be a mom more than anything ever, and I can't even have that. I keep blaming myself (wondering if it was because I'm overweight, wondering if I was drinking enough water, wondering if it was because maybe I can't ever have children) and I hope it was nothing that I did, but everyone, including my OB, has said that there is no reason to. It was going to happen, either way. I guess that doesn't comfort me much. All I can say, as this has worked for me (as well as it can since it hasn't even been a week since my D&C), is hug your hubby lots, cry when you need to, take some time off to grieve if you feel you need it, and be upset because it is definitely warranted. I'm hoping that all of these folks that keep telling me that things will get better are right.

Kirchetta · April 2016

@nmd9168 and @E2theB
I'm so sorry that both of you find yourselves here. I just recently joined as well, having suffered a miscarriage of my first pregnancy on March 13th. It really helps to hang around this board because everyone understands and you don't have to pretend to be okay. That is why I'm really struggling with...Pretending to be okay and act as normal as possible when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. My husband and I had not told anyone about our pregnancy...We were waiting to get to the "safe" zone. And now, it's over, and our baby never existed for anyone but us. It's heartbreaking.

Please know that you are both in my thoughts.

Hopefulmommy1980 · April 2016

I am sorry for your loss. I had my d&c last Wednesday and this was my first pregnancy. It is heartbreaking. I have had to tell people even my own mom that I don't want to talk about what is going on. Most people don't ask. I have a few close friends I choose to talk about it with. And it is nice when I want to talk about it. I still cry a little everyday and miss being pregnant. This board has helped me not feel as lonely. I think for me it was figuring out how to best take care of me and to let myself grieve for my loss.

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible process. Hug!

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

I am so sorry @E2theB for your loss. I feel the same way you do- This was my first pregnancy as well and I'm 32 and we are so ready to have a child. I had a missed miscarriage at 9w2d and almost 5 weeks post D&C. Every day gets a little better but I don't think I will ever get over what I have lost. But being here has shown me that we are not alone.

@nmd9168 After my D&C my morning sickness was gone almost immediately. My breast soreness went away in a week or so and are now back to normal size. I was able to fit back into my pre-pregnancy pants in a couple weeks too. The spotting for 2 1/2 weeks was the hardest because it was the only reminder I had of what had happened to me. Once that was gone I felt a lot better. It sucks that we all have to go through this

MooFish2364 · April 2016

@E2theB I'm so sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar. DH and I are both 32 and were trying for 6 months before we got pregnant and experienced our loss. It is unfair that so many women get pregnant when they are unprepared and don't take care of their children when millions of women desperately want babies for the right reasons and struggle to get/maintain pregnancies.

Please dont blame yourself. I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure there's nothing that you could have done. An early scan might have showed a problem but I don't think there is much doctors can do in these cases. Please be easy on yourself.

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