Telling Your Parents

banfrog · March 2016

kns1988 said:

The clinginess is what I'm worried about, too. I'd love to tell my family and my ILs, but my mom would then start calling me to ask when my appointments are and would be checking in with me all the time about symptoms. She kind of butted herself into my last pregnancy and did the same thing - we weren't ready to tell and things weren't going well with the ultrasounds (ended in loss), but she outright asked me and I couldn't lie to her. I love my mom, but I want the first trimester to be mine and my husband's. I don't want to give anyone updates or reassure anyone that things are going okay.

I do fantasize about being out of the first trimester and telling everyone, though. FX, I can't wait to give people good news and see their reactions!

Exactly! Having to checking in with them and reassure them that everything is okay is exhausting. I'm worried out of my mind and I just don't have it in me to baby them. I'm high risk, which we never have told them, and this is exactly why.

kimberdubs · March 2016

We're using Easter as an excuse to make the rounds by all of our immediate family members to tell. I'll be 7 weeks. We thought of waiting until after the first US, but we've been putting off a promised visit to my family (about 2.5 hours away) for our birthdays last month. My first appt is two weeks later. DH would still be okay with waiting, but I really want to tell my family in person and we don't feel right about telling one side and not the other. I also reminded him how badly we'd need their support in the event that something happens. I'm making personalized gifts for the grandparents to tell them. They've all been saying that it is up to us and they're being patient, but I know they're so ready lol. Fx it goes well!

banfrog · March 2016

LilyWater09 said:

After the miserable experience of a MC 2 days before Christmas last year, I am doubting telling my family until my body cannot hide the fact. Most family was supportive. Because my one niece is a spoiled brat pregnant with her 2nd and was going to do a gender reveal on Christmas, my situation was pretty much swept under the rug in that household. Only months later did my sister come around to her real caring self. Sad. But with my niece's due date around the end of my 1st trimester, I am aiming for silence. Heaven forbid I have any thunder in my life, good or bad. Can you tell I am still bitter?

This is totally like my sister. She absolutely has to be the center of attention at all times, especially when I fall into the limelight (whether or not I want it). I had lost my baby a few months before she got pregnant and she had to make a huge point of calling me to tell me about her being pregnant. I was happy for her, and had worked for months to knit her baby a blanket (I was a beginner knitter then, so it was a huge labor of love) and asked her about what kinds of things she wanted for the baby and bought a number of things for her and the baby with her exact specifications. Apparently I wasn't happy enough for her and she complained to my mom, bringing up my loss (which I never did with her because I didn't want to steal her thunder or anything) and I was given an earful from a number of my family members. After that, every child I had was treated like I was trying to compete with my sister. That has been incredibly frustrating.
She is completely capable of doing something stupid to try to regain attention too. When my DS1 was 6 months, we made the 1300+ km (800+ miles) drive to see the family for a week. She was 35 weeks pregnant with her 2nd and tried desperately to make herself go into labor because "she was concerned that her son (her 1st) would get ignored because my son was there" (for the first time ever, and the first time 99% of my family ever saw him, and we were there only a week). Needless to say, her son was the center of attention, and everyone was super careful to not even hold my son in case they offended her.
She has done so much damage to my relationship with my family, especially my mother, that I've pretty much given up including them in things in my family's life. I'd rather be happy or sad without her being jealous of anyone caring about me. And I'm so much happier without the drama.

virginiaham · March 2016

**TW loss, not mine**

My Dad's birthday is at my 6wk ticker change and we coincidentally plan to tell both sets of parents, my dad's parents, our siblings, and close friends then. My grandma had a traumatic birth experience and my mom went through 4 losses and I've talked with both of them about their experiences and my fears. I definitely covet their support early on.

We are both the babies of our families and both our sets of older siblings have minimum 3 kids. We have lived across the country/world from our families and kindof eloped and didn't make a big deal about getting married and I feel like our family would kindof like us to let this be a big deal.

H spilled to a stranger at work but other than that we are savoring the short time when it's still our secret.

...& also I'm not ready for all of my inevitable announcing tears yet.

DunkinDecaf · March 2016

@banfrogyour sister sounds just awful. I'm sorry the rest of your family apparently tolerates her mania instead of telling her to cut it out.

@lilywater09 sorry your niece is so obnoxious. Yuck.

I don't suppose there's anything I hate more than when family is being shitty.

een23 · March 2016

We'll probably hold off on telling anyone until after 12 weeks, maybe longer. With our first we told everyone after the first u/s at 8 weeks (well we told my parents and DH's parents and my mom told almost everyone she has ever met). This time we want to enjoy it by ourselves for a while before everyone starts checking in and putting in their two cents.

shamrocandroll · March 2016

Everyone is telling parents way earlier than I was planning to! This is my first, and I haven't even had my first appointment yet, and won't until almost 9 weeks... so at that point I figured I would wait until 12+ weeks. We live in a different state from our parents, so we thought it would be neat to tell our parents in person on Mother's Day, and then tell the rest of our friends on my birthday (2 weeks later). However, it already feels like we've been keeping this secret for an ETERNITY, so it's going to be really hard waiting so long! This will be the first grandchild on both sides, and the first great grandchild for my grandmother, so I just want to do it in a special way!

juliehollz13 · March 2016

I was wanting to keep it super secret but I have a big mouth lol. So 2 coworkers know (one saw me faxing somethings to my OBGYN, who was her obgyn soo...and another one is a woman who just went to the same RE practice as me and had her IVF done there), my SIL, because i HAVE to talk to SOMEONE lol and of course my DH knew first. We plan on telling parent's after a confirmed hb on an ultrasound. I think it would be a cute mother's day gift for my mom. I should be about 10 weeks at that time, so we may as well tell everyone else then too. I originally wanted to wait and do a gender reveal at the same time, but i'm too excited

jarethinafrock · March 2016

Telling my in-laws tomorrow at dinner (early Easter celebration) and then telling my family on actual Easter. Getting nervous that our secret is almost out!

rencontrezmoi · March 2016

I told my mom today. I couldn't keep it a secret! I've told her almost right away every time I've been pregnant. She has a history of multiple losses, and she's been very supportive when I've had mine. She's also a blabbermouth though, so I'm always worried she's going to spill the beans before I do. I don't think she would tell anyone, but she's about as good as keeping secrets as I am...

We are going away with DH's family for the Easter weekend. FIL, MIL and BIL will be there. There is no way we are going to be able to keep it a secret from them. We like to drink in the evening to relax after DD goes to bed, and they're totally going to catch on when I turn down alcohol 4 nights in a row, LOL.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · March 2016

Enh, I changed my mind. I called and talked to my dad (who is awesome. It's my mother that sucks, but he sides with her, as spouses usually do, so we have had minimal contact with him as well.) I told him about the baby, and that things are apparently okay this time around. I told him he can tell her if he wishes, and that he can also let her know we will not tolerate any negativity or misbehaviour from her at all.

Background: I went no-contact with my mother a while ago when I finally gave up trying to cope with how she treats me. My husband and a decade of therapists have labelled it emotional abuse, and it took me a long time to take their advice and cut her out of my life. After our last loss, when she told my husband that it was a mistake to have me (because we were grieving the death of a child she didn't think we should want) he really urged me to finally just cut her off completely because he was sick of seeing how I was treated and she'd started manipulating our kids too. We have only allowed limited, supervised contact between her and the kids if they request to speak to her, and largely they don't really care to. I don't speak to her directly as a rule.

So IF she wants to have anything to do with Kid 3, it is conditional on her good behaviour, otherwise she is not welcome to be part of this at all.

We've thrown out a peace treaty with non-negotiable terms. Ball's in her court now. She can play by our rules or she can't play at all.

jmaines821 · March 2016

This is my second child and we have only told a few ppl which is my sister in law (who lives with us going through a divorce) because she would eventually find out and ask why am I not drinking LOL. We are trying to hold off on telling our family and friends till my daughters 2nd birthday party which is in May(May 5 is her bday and we are having her party on May 14). I will be by then 13 1/2 weeks and hoping to not show. We are going to have her wear a shirt that says I have a secret (on the front) and I am going to be a Big Sister (on the back). Its so hard not to say anything to our parents but I am hoping I wont show any till around that time frame. But I heard with your second you show faster..... ekk =/ I told my manager so she would know that I will have appts coming up.

ShallowSeas · March 2016

I told my parents and my sister the day I had it confirmed with a blood test, which was a day after my bfp. My family knew we had been trying for awhile and knew I was seeing a fertility specialist. We told H's parents a couple days later. Aside from family, I've only told my two best friends who I can ask for advice or go to with questions; one is pregnant and one just had twins.

We plan on telling our extended family at 10 weeks. We will have two u/s by then. We had planned on waiting until at least 12 weeks to announce it publicly, but we just decided that we would post an announcement on Instagram (H and I don't have Facebook) after our family knows, so 10/11 weeks.

mrs_hoyahoo · March 2016

All my best friends know - they called me out on not having a glass of wine when we got together the day after my BFP. I don't feeling like keeping up a charade this time around, so I just said, "yep, pregnant!" They knew we were trying for #2, so it wasn't a shock.

Saw both sets of parents this weekend, but just felt too tired to celebrate, so I didn't mention it. My mom has probably guessed though! We'll tell at some point in the first tri, but may wait until after our first U/S

zrain · March 2016

@KilgraveMadeMeDoIt Wow, your mom sounds absolutely terrible! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sucks that your relationship with your dad has to be overshadowed by your mom's inappropriateness. I hope she is well-behaved and respects your terms. Maybe this time will be different

zrain · March 2016

I just called my parents the day after my BFP and told them. Last time I waited til they flew up for a visit and gave them a drawing of a family of animals (mom, dad, and baby) and let them figure out what it meant. After my loss I didn't feel like being creative again. We're going to tell DH's family on Easter, but I don't think we'll do anything creative for them either. Last time we told them by sneaking a hamburger bun in their oven for his mom to find while she was cooking dinner. It was great

We're not waiting to tell anyone this time. I want support no matter what happens, so I don't see any reason for us to wait til the usual 12 weeks.

ShallowSeas · March 2016

zrain said:

We're not waiting to tell anyone this time. I want support no matter what happens, so I don't see any reason for us to wait til the usual 12 weeks.

I'm happy to see this. This is me and H's first pregnancy and we initially wanted to wait until after 12 weeks for the same reason most people wait that long. After giving it a lot of thought last weekend, I decided that it's still a life I want to celebrate no matter how early and no matter what may happen, and if God-forbid something were to happen, I think I would want the support of others, so we decided to publicly announce it at 10 weeks, after my second u/s.

MrsBinPA · March 2016

As far as telling people so far, I've told 2 and DH will likely tell 1. Our closest friends who we look to for support. Good or bad.

We don't see DH's parents as often as we see mine. All live reasonably close & all know about me working with the RE. I know if we have dinner with any of them and I don't have any wine they will be suspicious. I will probably avoid them & family meals for a while. Thankfully we have an excuse (DH traveling for work the next day) to get out of any Easter plans. We'd like to have the genetic testing back before telling them.. I think Mother's Day is probably a little early for that though. Was hoping maybe we could do it then. Maybe we'll need to have a Memorial Day party.

LadyBugMe101 · March 2016

We told our mothers a week after finding out so 4.5 weeks in. We figure they are our best support system through our first experience as parents. Unfortunately both sets of parents are divorced and neither one of us has a good relationship with our father so we skipped announcing there.

I told my mom and sisters with a cute spoon from Etsy. "You're going to be a Grandma" & "You're going to be an Auntie". They loved the cute touch and it made it a special moment between close family.

Both families are ecstatic and are showing so much support.

citygirl17 · March 2016

I told my parents about a week after I found out, when I was about 5 weeks along. I told my sister a week later. Everyone is so excited! DH hasn't told anyone in his family yet, but I've given him the all-clear to tell them as he pleases after we hear the HB for the first time at my appointment on April 4. We'll probably make a more public announcement to coincide with Mother's Day.

shevaCC · March 2016

With our first, my parents were coming to visit at 12 weeks so I waited to tell them in person, then we told ILs in person right after. With our 2nd, we told family right away, over the phone. This time, we were kinda in shock. We told DH's family almost right away since we wanted their excitement to help us get excited (it worked). I waited 2 weeks before telling my family since I wasn't sure how my parents would react. Turns out they were excited and happy, which was great. Sometimes they're underwhelming with their emotions so I wanted to wait until we were more excited about just in case.

MrsDramaK · March 2016

We're gonna tell my parents over the weekend, my Dad did our taxes and kept getting frustrated with us cause we sent him things in pieces, so we're going to say, "Hey we weren't sure if this applied to this years taxes or last years, can you take a look?" And when he opens the envelope my Blood Test results will be in there so he and my mom will know then. I have my first appointment tomorrow so if there's a sonogram I will ask for an extra copy and have that in there as well.

So excited!

AmandaR417 · March 2016

We told my parents after our first appointment. They live in the same town as us, so we had them over for dinner. We bought a pair of baby socks and put it in a box. We thought they would piece it together themselves, but after an awkward pause and confused looks we said, "we've heard that babies are constantly losing socks, so we figured it would be a good idea to keep a spare pair at grandma's" took another set one before they fully registered the news.

DH's family lives 3 hours away, so a couple weeks later, we drove up to visit. We'd had our ultrasound by then, so we bought a picture frame with a corny saying on it and gave them a copy of the u/S. They were over the moon. Our only disappointment was that DH's dad immediately ran down to the basement to tell DH's little brother the news himself. We did get to overhear the end where the bro asked, "so this means I'll be an uncle?" which was pretty cute--we had just wanted to tell him ourselves. Nbd

elsie2014 · March 2016

LilyWater09 said:

After the miserable experience of a MC 2 days before Christmas last year, I am doubting telling my family until my body cannot hide the fact. Most family was supportive. Because my one niece is a spoiled brat pregnant with her 2nd and was going to do a gender reveal on Christmas, my situation was pretty much swept under the rug in that household. Only months later did my sister come around to her real caring self. Sad. But with my niece's due date around the end of my 1st trimester, I am aiming for silence. Heaven forbid I have any thunder in my life, good or bad. Can you tell I am still bitter?

Oh my gosh that's HORRIBLE. How disrespectful to still insist on doing your gender reveal, knowing someone in your family just had a miscarriage. I would still be bitter too!

perrym13 · March 2016

My husband told his mother today and she made it a point to say she already knew. We don't keep in close contact with her and she is always pulling this psychic card. Why can't people just say congrats and let it be? In any case it made me wish he never told her but what's done is done. Anyone else have awful in laws?

lilwonder · March 2016

perrym13 said:

My husband told his mother today and she made it a point to say she already knew. We don't keep in close contact with her and she is always pulling this psychic card. Why can't people just say congrats and let it be? In any case it made me wish he never told her but what's done is done. Anyone else have awful in laws?

This is my mother!! Seriously. I told her, and her response? "Oh honey, I knew that already!"

Like, get up off me you crazy bitch!
(Please note that I have some other issues with my mom, so this is just icing on the cake)

MrsDramaK · March 2016

I think I'd be so disappointed if I told my mom and she told me she knows.

I know there are some tell-tale signs that my mother has probably looked out for, but even if she is pretty sure I would hope she knows better then to tell me so when the moment comes.

perrym13 · March 2016

Omg I know! Finally someone who gets it! Husband thinks I'm over reacting but come on! She also told me it's a boy and tried to guess his name...seriously wth! Thanks for venting with me!

whaat · March 2016

Im going to call my grandmother in about 45 minutes to tell her. I'm kind of nervous bc I love her and she was a big part of my life growing up, but she's also a bit of a cunt, refused to go to my wedding bc she didn't want to see my mom's boyfriend, and before that, when I told her I was engaged, she told me to keep things in my name in case he leaves me. She now lives a few states away, so I rarely see her and she rarely returns my calls. I can't wait to hear what she'll have to say!

mandabean11 · April 2016

We have been together for 12 years, married for 4 years. We told our families today. Everyone was so excited..except my mother in law (husbands parents are divorced). She didn't want to look at the ultrasound pics, told us she is too young to be a grandma, doesn't want to be called grandma..and we are 30 years old! She asked if we were going to find out the sex, we said yes, she thought that was a terrible idea and doesn't understand why we wouldn't want it to be a suprise and she doesn't want to know. She also said everyone will be fighting for the baby and she will never get to see it. We didn't think her reaction would be normal but I couldn't have imagined it to be as bad as it was. I don't have room for negative energy in my life so I ignored her the best I could but it's hard not to cry myself to sleep. I'm just so mad.

jarethinafrock · April 2016

mandabean11 said:

We have been together for 12 years, married for 4 years. We told our families today. Everyone was so excited..except my mother in law (husbands parents are divorced). She didn't want to look at the ultrasound pics, told us she is too young to be a grandma, doesn't want to be called grandma..and we are 30 years old! She asked if we were going to find out the sex, we said yes, she thought that was a terrible idea and doesn't understand why we wouldn't want it to be a suprise and she doesn't want to know. She also said everyone will be fighting for the baby and she will never get to see it. We didn't think her reaction would be normal but I couldn't have imagined it to be as bad as it was. I don't have room for negative energy in my life so I ignored her the best I could but it's hard not to cry myself to sleep. I'm just so mad.

Just wow... I'm really sorry she said all of that. You definitely don't need that kind of negativity. What does your husband say?

TrulyBlessed22 · April 2016

We haven't told our parents yet but I will most likely be telling my Father today and his Parents tomorrow. My Mother won't find out for a mother couple of weeks because she struggles with keeping things a secret.
Anyway, I'm excited and nervous to call my Dad later to tell him because it will be bitter sweet for him. I'm supposed to go to PR to visit him this summer so that he can see DD but with Zika being a real threat out there (a bunch of locally acquired cases) I refuse to travel there. So I'll tell him I have good news and bad news. While a bit sad I know he'll be thrilled. I'll also offer to fly him here instead, if he'd like.

Oh and @perrym13 the story you shared is exactly why I'm not looking forward to telling my Boss. She's a great person and we're "close" given my 10 years working with her BUT she's one of those people that has to act like she knew something way before you told her. She too likes to pull the physchic card and then proceed to tell me what I'm having. It wouldn't be as annoying if she didn't do stuff like that all the time.

mandabean11 · April 2016

@jarethinafrock - we had a conversation this morning and I told him it bothered me that she didn't have one nice thing to say to me yesterday. He said we shouldn't let it bother us. Its her opinion and it's our kid and not hers and that it doesn't matter what she thinks. He's not really an emotional guy so he says he doesn't have hurt feelings but that's his mom! Im just so disappointed in her. That reaction is burned into my brain and I'll never forget it as long as I live. But I'm going to ignore it as best I can in the future and if she happens to catch me on a day that I've had enough, shits gonna hit the fan! I'm not a confrontational person but I'm not going to allow someone to talk to me like that again. So moving on. Just hope everyone who gets a positive response can take that and soak it in.

ficbot · April 2016

@mandabean11 I will join you on the non-excited MIL couch :-) Mine has called husband a few times since she found out with reminders that he has to 'treat me properly' and concenrns that she doubts he will. I am taking it in stride---she is who she is---but it really upsets husband, so I wish she'd stop. Unfortunately he never learned how to have good boundaries with her and that is something we are trying to work on.

MrsDho11 · April 2016

@whaat - I hope the call went well.

cperkins6251 · April 2016

I'm afraid to tell my parents, mostly my mom.
my DS is only 9 months and I've heard her opinion of other couples who have had children close together.
She LOVES her grandson and I know she will love this little bundle as well, but when I told her about my last pregnancy it didn't go well

dreamcatch-her · April 2016

I did NOT want my mom to know. My sister has a huge mouth though, so that's how she found out apparently. Just found this out this morning from my Aunt. My Mother and I don't speak. She chose a long time ago that her lifestyle was more important to her than having me in her life, so I didn't think she should get to know what is going on in my life. Oh well, not like she's going to call and congratulate me, let alone wish me a happy birthday (sigh). My husbands parents are currently living overseas, so it seems like our baby will be grow up without grandparents around. Anyone else have long distance parents? How do you plan on handling raising a baby without the extra support? This is our first, so we aren't well versed quite yet.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · April 2016

alqizwik said:

I did NOT want my mom to know. My sister has a huge mouth though, so that's how she found out apparently. Just found this out this morning from my Aunt. My Mother and I don't speak. She chose a long time ago that her lifestyle was more important to her than having me in her life, so I didn't think she should get to know what is going on in my life. Oh well, not like she's going to call and congratulate me, let alone wish me a happy birthday (sigh). My husbands parents are currently living overseas, so it seems like our baby will be grow up without grandparents around. Anyone else have long distance parents? How do you plan on handling raising a baby without the extra support? This is our first, so we aren't well versed quite yet.

My husband and I are both estranged from our families (I think part of how we ended up such a strong couple is that we didn't want to repeat the mistakes of our own parents! My dad is awesome but I have neatly no contact with him because he and my mother are still married) plus we live far away and, honestly, you just get through it. You trade off sick days, you find a sitter so you can have evenings off, you make friends with other parents with kids the same age(s) as yours so you can trade favours for date nights and stuff. It's pretty common for people to live far away from their families of origin, so you learn to lean on friends and other social networks. One of my schoolmates who has three kids herself relies on her 'church family' (we are not members of a religious community so that's not something that'd work for us, but it may be an option for you.)

You'll figure out what will work for you.

dreamcatch-her · April 2016

@KilgraveMadeMeDoIt Thank you so much for the advice. That makes me feel so much better about the things. I honestly almost felt guilty for wanting a baby so much. But I know DH and I have more than enough love between the both of us for our LO.

I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation as my own. It's hard not being in contact with people who are supposed to be the most supportive ones in your life, but it definitely has made me strong.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · April 2016

@alqizwik I grew up very far from my own grandparents to the point that I saw my maternal grandparents maybe three times total during my childhood and I saw my paternal grandmother once a year. It was different reasons than my own kids have for not seeing their grandparents, sure, but the distance wasn't something I found harmful as a kid. It actually seemed odd to me when people had really close relationships with their grandparents!

Im sorry you have to deal with a toxic influence too. Sometimes it's just better not to have them in your life, hard as it is when you mourn the relationship you wish you could have had but they were never healthy enough to offer.

There is no right way or wrong way to be a family. Just remember that.

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