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Daycare is killing me

mltarriomltarrio member
in December 2015 Moms
I know this is probably well-covered territory, but I need some support. Sending baby girl to daycare is killing me. And it's only been three days. After my 8 weeks of leave my husband stayed home with the baby for another 4 weeks, so now she is almost 3 months and we started her in daycare this week. I hate it. I cry a little at my desk every day. My husband left work early yesterday to get her because he hates it too. No matter how good the daycare might be they won't love her and take care of her the way we will. They can't possibly give her the attention and time that we would. And she's just so little to be away from mom and dad for 40 hours a week. I came home last night and just bawled. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

I desperately want to quit and stay home with her. We could find a way to afford it for sure, because my stipend is about as much as daycare costs us. Trouble is I am 6 months away from completing my PhD, that I have worked tirelessly for 5 years to get. My PhD requires about 50 hours a week working in the lab. I feel selfish, like I care more about my education and career than my kid. But I have worked so hard and I am so close. 

Anyone else dying a little inside sending their kid to daycare? Does it get any easier? Anyone make a decision to leave work and regret it? 
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Re: Daycare is killing me

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    breezypipbreezypip member
    DD has been in daycare for a month now after my 12-week maternity leave ended, and I was a mess the first week. I cried a lot. I don't really cry anymore about it, but I still really hate leaving her there and feel like I should be the one taking care of her and enjoying her everyday and not someone else. I never desired to be a SAHM until now. Although I really would love to go part time so I had a better work/life balance, but the option isn't available at my current position. It is difficult to go from having all the time in the world to spend with your baby to only having a few hours each day. And then I feel guilty if I'm not holding her the entire time I have with her, but I also need to get some things done at night. It's a struggle. I feel like I'm only able to do a mediocre job at everything in my life now with being stretched thin.

    But, What has made it easier for me is that I'm seeing she is very well taken care of there. They tell me all the time how much they love her and she is always happy when I pick her up. Often times they are holding her or chatting with her. The first two weeks they would send me pictures, and will send one if I request it. It's so hard leaving your baby with strangers, so i try to talk to them a little each day so I feel like I know them better and that makes me feel better.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    kdoak2015kdoak2015 member
    If you stick it out your giving your baby a better life in the long run. I know it's hard I actually can't even begin to imagine as we get a year off in Canada!
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    NellieHarringtonCarterNellieHarringtonCarter member

    My DD has been in daycare for 3 weeks, and while it is hard, it is so much better for her than when I was trying to work from home and take care of her at the same time. I sometimes wish I could just stay home with her and not worry about work, but we can't afford that right now, and I love my job.

    It'll get easier for you, I think. It's better to start daycare now than try and do what we did with my 5 year old and not start daycare until she was 1.5 - 2 years old. That was a disaster. She cried all day, wouldn't nap, and absolutely hated it. We quit that after a few weeks and didn't put her back into daycare/preschool until she was 3. After that, she loved it.


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    violetigerlilyvioletigerlily member
    This post could have been mine. I am also in a PhD program  (though nowhere near finishing) and will be heading back at the end of the semester in a few weeks. Is there any way you could expedite your dissertation since you're so close? If you're thinking of just not finishing maybe your committee would be willing to let you publish what you have now in a lower tier journal etc so you can finish faster. If you aren't planning on applying for a super competitive academic post doc and aren't interested in the tenure track, you don't need as much as if you are. Then, after you finish, maybe you could teach as an adjunct or do part time lab work until you're ready to re-enter full time work. I know my university will let students take up to a year off returning with full status. Would you feel better if she was a little older and can your work wait a few months? Just a thought.  After 5 years, I know I'd regret it if I gave up, but that doesn't mean it has to be all or nothing. Good luck!
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    laurabwalkerlaurabwalker member
    So sorry guys , I can't imagine how hard it is!
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    MomofEv+1MomofEv+1 member
    I could have written this four years ago when my my older daughter was born (except the PhD program lol). I was a mess for months. I felt so guilty and sad. I honestly think looking back that I may have had some undiagnosed post partum depression and I considered not having another child because I didn't want to go through it again. But it did get better and I love the bonds she has formed with others. I think she truly benefited from not being with me all the time.

    I have not had the crushing guilt and sadness this time and I've been back to work for 5 weeks. I would hate to see you quit your program when you are so close and you have worked so hard! You are doing what's best for your baby and you. You are a good mom no matter what you choose.
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    ksrkimksrkim member
    I was very sad when I went back to work with ODS, he was 12 weeks. In retrospect I'm so glad he went, he is two and loves it.  I feel like daycare is a more stimulating and a better learning environment for my kids than being home with me, and I'm a teacher lol.  In fact, I've kept him in daycare while I'm on maternity leave with LO. It will get easier, especially if you know she is in a good place with teachers who care for her. Hang in there! 
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    blended10blended10 member
    NellieHarringtonCarter said:

    My DD has been in daycare for 3 weeks, and while it is hard, it is so much better for her than when I was trying to work from home and take care of her at the same time. I sometimes wish I could just stay home with her and not worry about work, but we can't afford that right now, and I love my job.

    It'll get easier for you, I think. It's better to start daycare now than try and do what we did with my 5 year old and not start daycare until she was 1.5 - 2 years old. That was a disaster. She cried all day, wouldn't nap, and absolutely hated it. We quit that after a few weeks and didn't put her back into daycare/preschool until she was 3. After that, she loved it.


    Totally agree with this. I left my job to be home with ds & tried to start preschool at 2.9- which he was totally not ready for & we ended up pulling him after 2 months or trying 3/week. 
    He went to public pre-k by 3.9 & he did much better.
    try to stick it out if you can if you want to finish school & potentially work. It'll be ok!! Congrats on the Phd!
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    amye02amye02 member
    I feel your pain,  we had a really bad experience with the first daycare that Jackson went to and I planned on quitting my job as soon as my baby was out of the hospital. I didn't though and now he's in a dual accredited daycare where the teachers love what they do and love my boy. If your baby is safe and loved there give it a little time and watch your baby for cues, when your girl smiles for her teachers. Your success is one of the best things you can give your daughter. It's going to be ok. 
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    mltarriomltarrio member
    Thank you so much for the replies and support. It's funny how having a baby changes you. I never thought I would even consider being a SAHM and now I am wishing I could be! I have told myself to give it a few weeks with daycare to try to see if I feel better. I don't want to quit on my education when I am so close, and I also don't want to make a decision when I am emotional about the daycare situation, so I am trying to just give it some time.

    Pick-up on Friday night actually had me feeling a little better too. When I got there one of the staff, who I think has a little soft spot for baby girl, was on the floor with the baby in her lap and they were playing with another baby. Then she told me about her day and talked to me about maybe bringing bigger bottles for next week. It made me feel good to see this woman interacting with my kid like I would. And giving me the time to really talk to me about my kid. It gets so hectic in there that the first few pick-ups didn't have me feeling great, but hopefully things will just continue to get easier. 
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    MomofEv+1MomofEv+1 member
    I'm glad to hear you had a positive interaction! I know if I had made the decision to stay home early on, I may not have regretted it but I would have gone back to work within a year and struggled to get back to where I had been professionally. 

    I was home for 18 weeks this winter after my 3 year old was diagnosed with cancer. 6 weeks of those were before the baby came and 12 after. Being an engaging stay at home mom was not my strong suit. I truly admire the moms who are on top of it. We had way too much screen time. She was so happy to go back to daycare when I went back to work.
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    mltarriomltarrio member
    @MomofEv+1 Wow, I can't imagine what you and your family have been through. I hope your little girl is okay. 
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    MomofEv+1MomofEv+1 member
    Thank you - I really appreciate it. She has been in remission since January and is doing well. She has an oncology check up in two weeks and we are praying everything remains clear. :)
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    groovylocksgroovylocks member
    It gets easier... You know, 3 months old is when babies tend to start figuring out that those things that hold them and love them aren't another part of them but actually different people. Olive is almost 4 months now and is fascinated with other babies. Babies on youtube, babies on the street, babies in baby food commercials. The sond of a baby laughing makes her look around, trying to locate the object of her affection. 

    The right daycare is really fun for most children. Babies have the time of their lives. I'm trying to spin up daycare on site at work so I can nurse her more often than i do AND give her the benefit of being with other babies and children.

    I know it's scary. But trust me, babycakes is loving it! Even if she sobs when you leave. 

    I used to sob every day of kindergarten. Until my nanny left. And then i was the life of the party. 

    Kids are weird. 
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    BP1979BP1979 member
    I felt the same way and ended up resigning and not going back to my teaching job. I was supposed to start back to work tomorrow and have been so thankful the last few days looking at my baby boy thinking how stressed out I'd  be having to leave him. No regrets here!! I almost went back to finish the year even though we could afford for me to stay home, but it would've been out of guilt and obligation... Not good reasons to do something in my opinion 

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