My Mom stresses me out

failuretofly · March 2016

So my mom was just here for a visit over Easter weekend. She lives on the other side of the country, and has to fly here to visit. Her and I have always had a rocky relationship and she has always driven me nuts. My cousin works for an airline and when she learned that I was having a baby and my mom being so far away she *generously* gave my mom her buddy-pass (to fly stand-by for super cheap) for the next few months. My Mom thinks this is fantastic and is planning on coming to visit multiple times per month. This terrifies me. She was just here for 4 days and I thought I was going to murder her before she left. She is SO self centred. She 'claims' she is coming to 'help' but her visits always seem to revolve around her and her schedule. She never tells me when she is coming, she only tells me after she's booked the trip. When she's here, her days have to revolve around her workout schedule (she's unhealthily obsessed with working out). She 'helps' by doing the dishes after the baby has gone to bed and slams and bangs pots and pans around, constantly stomps through the house and slams every door she encounters. I ask her to be quiet and she gets defensive saying "well you were noisy when you use to live with me!"... This was 9 years ago and there wasn't a sleeping baby in the house! She books her flights at the most inconvenient times, for example she booked herself to fly out last night at 1am even though she knew we had LO's vaccines booked at 9 this morning. She completely takes over the house when she's here and leaves her stuff strewn throughout, uses my computer constantly to check facebook. I know the reasonable suggestion would be 'just talk to her' but the problem is every time I try and even gently offer criticism or suggestions she takes it personally and gets upset that I'm not making my life revolve around her. She allowed DH and I to go out for dinner without LO last night before she left and babysat, and all we could talk about was how stressed out we both were from her being here! I have no idea how I am going to handle her being here on a regular basis, she doesn't realize part of the reason I moved across the country was to get some distance between her and I.

mrsgetz4000 · March 2016

Omg! My mom drives me bananas. Completely effin bananas. She was abusive and drank a lot when my brother and i were kids. She quit drinking but both my mom and step dad are on disability. My husband told them several months before my daughter was born they could stay a week. That quickly turned into 3. They moved from Florida to Maryland in October to be closer. We live in Pennsylvania. While they were here they decided to move even closer. 5 miles away. With no planning. Oh. And neither of them drive. Stupid. So because they are on a fixed income we rented a Uhaul, and my husband drove a Uhaul 4 hours on his day off to get them moved. And spent $500. 2 months later they still owe us money. My mother will be watching our daughter when i return to work, and she cleans my house. Albeit a half ass job cleaning. But its better then what I have time for. I had to drive my step dad 45 minutes one way to a doctor appointment last week. Not amused. My mother shares every single photo of my daughter on her Facebook. She continues to ask about giving my baby water. If i can manage to maintain some level of patience it can work. Bananas. Effin bananas. She's loud and speaks in fragmented sentences. She scoffs all the time. She's mean to her husband. Just know you aren't alone.

stephanienjer · April 2016

Before I got pregnant, my mom and I hadn't spoken in almost a year. We communicated a little more during my pregnancy, but really as little as I could handle. She came last week for a visit, (she, too, lives on the other side of the country,) and I was a nervous wreck about her coming. Everything she says to my husband, my stepkids, or me begins with, "You should." I find it very difficult, and take it as criticism. My husband and I are in a very shaky point in our marriage, and I just kept imagining disaster happening while she stayed with us. I essentially called her the day before she came, told her I really needed her, that I was considering her visit a godsend (husband can't care for my daughter, I'm trying to work full time and take care of four kids--long story,) and that I just needed her to bite her tongue. I even cried. (Which I never do with her, because she gets annoyed.)
I can't say she was even civil to my husband, but I managed to get through the week without any catastrophes. It even gave my husband and me a chance to talk things out alone and set some ground rules on fixing our relationship.
Can you afford (or can she afford) to find something like a one-bedroom apartment or studio on airbnb.com? My sister was able to find something in our town for about $40 a night, and it was really clean and safe. Additionally, I would request she rent a car, so 1) she doesn't feel dependent upon you to get her around, and 2) you don't have to be out until all hours of the night with a newborn.
I can say, even though things were tense when my mom was here (by the time she left, I was having real panic attacks about when it was going to hit the fan,) I was so glad for the break. To know my LO was cared for properly while I went to work/napped/grocery shopped. I joked with her that I knew she wasn't there to see me, and to spend as much time as she wanted with LO. As long as I remembered that, and made sure that she knew she wasn't imposing, things went a lot better than I expected.

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