Spanking? Is this seriously still this common?

MrsDepo · March 2016

I was only spanked as a child once and that was when I did something extremely dangerous and could have gotten me killed. Because it was done so sparingly in my family, I absolutely understood I had done something terribly wrong and never ever did it again. It was very effective. I think overuse of the method would eliminate the results in the above story. I plan to take the same stance on it with my children.

AlexLindzz · March 2016

grannysmith912 said:

Just curious, does anyone have links to or suggestions for good, thought-out resources on the topic, from either perspective? I'm not trying to be snarky--I really would like to learn more, and I don't trust Google to give me any trustworthy answers. H and I were both raised in spanking families and don't remember anything problematic about it (plus, most people in our social circles spank), so we automatically lean in that direction, but we're first-time parents and haven't "done our research" or even really discussed it. I don't know that I could give a cogent argument either way.

I know during my undergrad, it was stressed that there has been a large amount of research showing correletions between spanking and mental health issues, along with various behavioral problems. I would look into the articles by the American Psychological Association. This really pushed me into the "no spanking" camp and lead me towards behavior modification techniques.

Hedgessm · March 2016

Another great resource: Happiest Toddler on the Block. ( Unrelated: Happiest Baby on the Block is a great read before the baby gets here)
These are tough decisions and should be thought out. Please use the resources and have an idea ahead of time. You need this info in your back pocket for the rough days.

Allisong124 · March 2016

yes. There is a big difference between impulsive discipline and purposeful discipline. I spank my son. I don't need to do it much. I NEVER do it out of anger or frustration. Each time we have a discussion on why I spanked him. I always say I believe in 'Purposeful Spanking'. We also do time outs, loss of privileges etc.

doraleigh35 · March 2016

I was spanked as a child by my Mom. She was a young single Mom (parents divorced early) and I think it was the only way she knew how to deal with a situation when she got stressed out and overwhelmed. I wouldn't say it traumatized me, but it certainly didn't produce great memories of those moments. I don't think spanking will be a method that DH and I choose for disciplining our children, but I can see why my Mom did it.

Justpeachier13 · March 2016

TheBorg7of9 said:

How can you teach your kid not to hit by hitting them?

@SRose109 I was thinking of this.

DunkinDecaf · March 2016

Justpeachier13 said:

TheBorg7of9 said:

How can you teach your kid not to hit by hitting them?

@SRose109 I was thinking of this.

...I think that was really well said. And I don't think she meant that kids who are spanked will grow up to be violent. I think she was pointing out that the logic doesn't track. If you're trying to teach your kids not to hit and spanking to punish them for their wrongdoings, might it not occur to you that you're being a bit hypocritical?

edited for grammar

shevaCC · March 2016

I haven't spanked and don't plan to, even though I was spanked occasionally as a child and suffered no ill effects. But my experience plus everything I've read points to discipline by fear not being particularly effective. As I've often told my parents in regards to car seat safety, "back to sleep", and other things that have changed in the 34 years since I was born, know better, do better.

talkthewholetime · March 2016

"I turned out ok" is the worst argument in favor of spanking. You didn't turn out ok - you turned out as a person who thinks it's ok to hit a child.

This will be my only contribution to the argument, except the fact that I do not, and will not, hit my children.

LaurenDarling · March 2016

I was spanked and I turned out to be a functioning adult. *twitch* *twitch*

dont plan on doing it myself, but no judgement to those who do.

dreamcatch-her · March 2016

I know so many instances where parents never once spanked their child and they grew into very respectful, loving, intelligent adults. There are only few reasons why parents may decide to discipline their child, and it is to teach them by instilling fear, teach them there are consequences to their poor actions, and to teach them to not continue said habit.
If there are parents in the world teaching their children to behave without using their hands, then anyone can. Spanking is not the only solution to your child's negative demeanor. It has been proven through studies to cause more harm than good. It's literally psychology 101. Rewarding for good behavior has a better and more lasting effect on your child than disciplining them for poor behavior. Same with adults as well (studies were done on prison inmates)
I also can't believe this is still a discussion in 2016. Just because you think it hasn't caused you any damage, doesn't mean that it wont cause another child damage.

THIS IS JUST MY OPINION ON THE MATTER, DO AS YOU PLEASE WITH YOUR CHILD, AND I WILL DO AS I PLEASE.

kns1988 · March 2016

Spanking is bad parenting. The cultural argument is bullshit.

aquasocks · March 2016

kns1988 said:

Spanking is bad parenting. The cultural argument is bullshit.

No sure if you were directing this to me since I brought it up, but I wasn't using it as an argument for spanking, I just mentioned it as anecdote for the OP who seemed surprised that it was so common. Because in some cultures and areas, it is very common.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · March 2016

We used to spank. My husband and I both came from families where it was considered normal. But we realized it was ineffective anyway and wasn't the message we wanted to send to our kids, so we stopped before our youngest was old enough that we would have considered it for her so she has never been spanked. My kids are generally well-mannered (like all children, they have their moments, but we are often complimented on their behaviour) and my oldest will correct other kids' behaviour, so the lessons have sunk in anyway.

We are pretty big on teaching consent-to-touch (as in, not assuming people are okay with being touched, with respecting signs of discomfort or verbal refusal of touching, asking if you are unsure. We don't force ask them to show physical affection for people if they don't wish to) and smacking their bums for disobedience, in our view, would be teaching them that strength, age, or authority allow someone to violate your comfort boundaries. That's why we stopped.

The Canadian Paediatric Society's position statement on discipline advises physicians to strongly discourage spanking, so there's that too.

kns1988 · March 2016

aquasocks, my comment wasn't directed at you. You said that you wouldn't spank your child. To clarify, the impression I've gotten from a lot of comments is that people believe it's okay to spank children because that's what everyone does where they're from or because they were spanked growing up. I think that's rationalizing an inexcusable behavior, and it's bad parenting.

g8rmama_16 · March 2016

While I am not going to enter into the debate, I will say thank you to OP for posting this because it sparked a very good conversation with my husband that we have never had. I was glad to find we are on the same page and had similar thoughts about discipline that was used on us when we were children. And thank you all for the book recommendations! So many things were added to my reading list!

juliehollz13 · March 2016

I grew up overseas and so did DH even though he's a natural born citizen his parents traveled a lot and we were both spanked. The cultural argument is NOT "b.s" - travel a little. In a lot of countries that's considered the only way of discipline. Didn't have any negative consequences on either of us and neither of us are violent people. But here are my 2 cents - people are so critical of spanking but completely ignore other more damaging ways of "discipline". I think it's more damaging for a child to get screamed at and yelled at all the time. I know plenty of parents who would "never HIT their child *gasp*!" but are constantly screaming at them. And then when their kid punches them in the face they just go "That's NOT nice!" - what is that going to do? And then give a toddler a 45 minute lecture they don't understand at the top of their voice. Idk. I guess we'll see what happens when the kids are actually here and old enough to be disciplined but I think there are worse things than spanking. Or another favorite is parents threatening their kids by telling them they'll "call the cops on them". I get that they're trying to make a point that violence is not acceptable but constantly threatening the child with police officers is pretty messed up and gives the child a negative attitude towards law enforcement.

TheBorg7of9 · March 2016

SRose109 said:

Justpeachier13 said:

TheBorg7of9 said:

How can you teach your kid not to hit by hitting them?

@SRose109 I was thinking of this.

...I think that was really well said. And I don't think she meant that kids who are spanked will grow up to be violent. I think she was pointing out that the logic doesn't track. If you're trying to teach your kids not to hit and spanking to punish them for their wrongdoings, might it not occur to you that you're being a bit hypocritical?

edited for grammar

I have a four year old son. I am able to tell him. "Mommy doesn't hit you, right? So you shouldn't hit either."

DunkinDecaf · March 2016

^^ yeah! That!

m6agua · March 2016

I just read through this post and all I could think of was my dog. We just got him and are in the process of training him to ignore our cat. DH thought that instilling fear was a good method, and realized quickly it was not. They say positive reinforcement is the best and most effective way to train animals. So far it's been working. I just couldn't help but see similarities in the way to train animals and train/discipline kids.

talkthewholetime · March 2016

For the people suggesting/looking for books, this is great:
https://www.amazon.com/Share-Renegade-Raising-Competent-Compassionate/dp/1585429368

sweetlyuntied · March 2016

grannysmith912 said:

Just curious, does anyone have links to or suggestions for good, thought-out resources on the topic, from either perspective? I'm not trying to be snarky--I really would like to learn more, and I don't trust Google to give me any trustworthy answers. H and I were both raised in spanking families and don't remember anything problematic about it (plus, most people in our social circles spank), so we automatically lean in that direction, but we're first-time parents and haven't "done our research" or even really discussed it. I don't know that I could give a cogent argument either way.

This is just a stupid upworthy article, but it does a good job of laying out the basics:

https://www.upworthy.com/the-science-of-spanking-what-happens-to-spanked-kids-when-they-grow-up?c=ufb2

GreenEyedUnicorn · March 2016

kns1988 said:

Spanking is bad parenting. The cultural argument is bullshit.

That's a pretty broad statement. And one that I take offense to. Who the hell died and made you the foremost authority on what good or bad parenting is?

Greencows4812 · March 2016

@GreenEyedUnicorn youre my hero. I agree. I thought the conversation was going good and people were being respectful of different opinions until this.

GreenEyedUnicorn · March 2016

Greencows4812 said:

@GreenEyedUnicorn youre my hero. I agree. I thought the conversation was going good and people were being respectful of different opinions until this.

Yeah I'm not down with shit like that. Sorry, but we aren't always going to agree on parenting choices, but that downer give someone the right to essentially say we are bad parents. The only time I'll go that route (aisle from ACTUAL horrific patenting such as ACTUAL abuse, drugs, neglect, etc.) is when it comes to anti-vacxxers. My gloves come right off, then.

muybueno · March 2016

Justpeachier13 said:

We were spanked with a paddle not a hand. I've never been violent. I don't think that's a valid coorelation. I'm sure if some violent kids had been spanked, they might be acting less foolish! I have been a teacher and I know quite well the behavior difference between the time out kids and the I'm gonna whoop your ass kids. Nothing better than a parent teacher conference with a "I'm gonna whoop your ass" parent. I can see myself swatting my kids bottom but never using a paddle. Not my personality style. Either way, I feel confident I can teach my child not to be violent either way. Grounding them can be just as isolating and damaging as spanking. Abuse happens in many different forms.

I couldn't agree more with this. My mom is a psychologist and we've talked about the psychological effects of spanking vs isolation, shaming, and other common non-physical methods of punishment.

She has definitely seen the whole spectrum of parenting- from those who beat their kids and call it spanking to those who would never lay a hand on their child but can whither them with a disapproving look.

What I've noticed with my children and 13 nieces and nephews is this: children know when something is being done out of love and when it's motivated by something else (fear, anger, pity). Even if they can't put their finger on it, they know the difference from a very young age. This applies to everything from discipline to making them eat their veggies to enforcing bedtime when they just want to stay up. They don't like any of these things but when done in a loving way, kids still feel secure and cared for.

muybueno · March 2016

GreenEyedUnicorn said:

Greencows4812 said:

@GreenEyedUnicorn youre my hero. I agree. I thought the conversation was going good and people were being respectful of different opinions until this.

Yeah I'm not down with shit like that. Sorry, but we aren't always going to agree on parenting choices, but that downer give someone the right to essentially say we are bad parents. The only time I'll go that route (aisle from ACTUAL horrific patenting such as ACTUAL abuse, drugs, neglect, etc.) is when it comes to anti-vacxxers. My gloves come right off, then.

Ooo ooo I forgot about this topic! Something to look forward to

Others: circumcision, homeschooling, co-sleeping, cry-it-out, and formula feeding. What else is going to get juicy?

kns1988 · March 2016

GreenEyedUnicorn said:

Greencows4812 said:

@GreenEyedUnicorn youre my hero. I agree. I thought the conversation was going good and people were being respectful of different opinions until this.

Yeah I'm not down with shit like that. Sorry, but we aren't always going to agree on parenting choices, but that downer give someone the right to essentially say we are bad parents. The only time I'll go that route (aisle from ACTUAL horrific patenting such as ACTUAL abuse, drugs, neglect, etc.) is when it comes to anti-vacxxers. My gloves come right off, then.

This is along the same lines as anti-vaxxing to me. I don't think it's ever okay to hit your child. You don't have a right to hit people, and spanking is hitting. And I don't think you, personally, are a bad parent because I don't know you, but I don't think you can argue that hitting a child is good parenting. We're obviously not going to agree to disagree, so I'm bowing out of this conversation. You can feel free to have the last word.

thatlauragirl · March 2016

muybueno said:

GreenEyedUnicorn said:

Greencows4812 said:

@GreenEyedUnicorn youre my hero. I agree. I thought the conversation was going good and people were being respectful of different opinions until this.

Yeah I'm not down with shit like that. Sorry, but we aren't always going to agree on parenting choices, but that downer give someone the right to essentially say we are bad parents. The only time I'll go that route (aisle from ACTUAL horrific patenting such as ACTUAL abuse, drugs, neglect, etc.) is when it comes to anti-vacxxers. My gloves come right off, then.

Ooo ooo I forgot about this topic! Something to look forward to
Others: circumcision, homeschooling, co-sleeping, cry-it-out, and formula feeding. What else is going to get juicy?

Don't forget when to change from rear-facing to forward-facing car seats!!

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Spanking? Is this seriously still this common?

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