"Group Warfare" Sanctimommy Post

KimmySchmidt · March 2016

https://thesanctimommy.com/2016/03/group-warfare/

I read this and thought it was very interesting. Some of the people mentioned went WAY over the top. Wondering if anyone here had any experiences they'd want to share.

KimmySchmidt · March 2016

I'll wait here.

Thscary · March 2016

Whoah. Are people really that nuts? I have mentioned on here before that I enjoy this board. I don't really have anyone IRL that I can relate to right now as far as pregnancy goes. so this board has been awesome. I have no desire to be mean to people on the Internet, especially other moms. I can't imagine things ever getting to the level described in this post, but I can guarantee if it started trending that way I wouldn't be sticking around

Shiva14 · March 2016

Good read - and a good reminder of why I stay away from FB groups! I've seen some things go South on the Bump several times and am reminded over and over how important protecting your privacy is (example - the bmb before the one I was part of with DS had some major catfish drama going on. A teenager pretended to be pregnant and made up a fabricated life with stolen footage and partook on the July14 board for months and months before someone realized and outed her). The Bump is much calmer and less snarky than what it used to be. But in the old days I wouldn't put it past certain people to conact CPS had they known other poster's information.

KimmySchmidt · March 2016

Shiva14 said:

Good read - and a good reminder of why I stay away from FB groups! I've seen some things go South on the Bump several times and am reminded over and over how important protecting your privacy is (example - the bmb before the one I was part of with DS had some major catfish drama going on. A teenager pretended to be pregnant and made up a fabricated life with stolen footage and partook on the July14 board for months and months before someone realized and outed her). The Bump is much calmer and less snarky than what it used to be. But in the old days I wouldn't put it past certain people to conact CPS had they known other poster's information.

What is "old days" like how long ago? Last year? Many years ago? Curious.

Shiva14 · March 2016

@KimmySchmidt I was active with my old bmb 2 years ago (2014) and things were pretty different. Then something happened - referring to the article you posted I obviously was not one of the people with much valued intel, because newborn - and there was a exodus to another board which people got banned for naming, so I won't post it here. This all happened after I went back to work and I missed much of what happened, but it seems the Bump Gods decided the place was too unwelcoming to newcomers and started banning people left and right. Threads would get closed by admins if they went off topic (still are).

If you have time on your hands, go back in the archives a few years and you'll see a pretty evident culture change.

beachmama14 · March 2016

Yes this BMB is wayyyy different than my last. I was in D14 and the mass exodus happened in our third tri. We had someone catfish.. It was a guy I'm pretty sure. then a bunch of people left and joined a FB group, then everyone's emails and real names who joined the FB group got released on accident, then everyone left for the unmentioned board. After that I stopped reading for the most part as all the regular activity slowed way down. It kind of sucked, but this board is so much nicer and more mature in general to what it used to be. Maybe all the changes worked.

I have never been attacked by other moms, but I am also non-confrontational by nature. If someone on Facebook constantly posts anti-vax stuff I just unfriend and move on. I won't purposely insert myself into something hostile.

camichael84 · March 2016

My prior BMB didn't have any giant fall outs or issues, though I did see it happen on other 2014 boards. I was here when the exodus happened, but not terribly active at that time because I had a small infant. I did go to the other board that can't be named, but never really got into it. When I got pregnant this time, I lurked both and decided I'd rather stay on TB.

However, I was also active on The Knot. For those who don't know, before the exodus, the boards were moderated by one of the board members. The orginal mod of my wedding month board left in a way that caused much drama. She orginally started a thread saying she was leaving bc her engagement was off. Then girls from another board (non-month related) start bombarding our page calling her a variety of not so nice things and telling us all how she posted about people's personal info/issues under an alternate sn, but was caught. She was adamant she didn't do it, and I don't know if she did or did not. Some people defended her, some didn't. A lot of feelings got hurt one way or another, and many girls ended up leaving the board. The mod deleted her account, causing us to loose any thread she started (so like everything sticky). It was a giant upheaval and the board had a much different tone after it all happened.

yellowrose314 · March 2016

Wow, someone needs to cut off their daily dose of crazy. I've seen disagreements on here, but they've always been discussed in a very respectful manner. Who the hell calls CPS because of an online argument? I hope nothing like that happens here.

SuperFudge00 · March 2016

We had a guy who would troll, get banned and then come back with a new SN. The one I remember best was kuntdestroyer. I am in some fb groups, one for the entertainment of stupidity. I've since "locked down" my profile. One group catfishes to weed out real lifers. It's insane.

eboyd83 · March 2016

I didn't car for my last bump group that much. I enjoyed the Facebook group actually. But there was a big split at a certain point and a lot of people left. I will say though, I don't have time for people who are instigating bs. So I just ignore those post and don't get involved. But I would leave a group as soon as I started being personally threatened. It's not worth it.

SLou24 · March 2016

Wow, this actually makes me terrified of mom groups. I knew that there was bound to be some sort of Mean Girls "pack mentality" as there so often is with groups of women, but some of those stories are just horrifying. I also must admit that even though I have a long way to go until LO is born, I'm already nervous about "mommy competition". I've seen it happen where women who are friends in real life break down because of the crazy competition they have about their children -- it's nuts. I'm so glad our board here is full of supportive, sane women who aren't here just to tear each other down and prove who's better!

hey_clever_girl · March 2016

I love the community and friendship that the Internet has given me. I've been active in chat rooms and message boards since I was 12. (Yeah, kind of terrifying to me now.) I've seen my share of ugly, but I am usually pretty quick to extract myself from it if things go south fast. I tend to stay e-friends with those I feel I know best and trust, and if a message board gets ugly, I leave with the knowledge that I'll stay in touch with the ones I liked most.

I write columns for a local news site (most are parenting, but I used to write a "top ten" favorites column), and I was shocked at how ugly people can get. In comments, I was called pathetic, lame, ridiculous; people implied that I was ugly and disgusting in one I wrote last summer. I even got a private Facebook message from someone telling me that "c*nts like me shouldn't have children."

All ll of that is to say that while it's sad, none of her testimonies shock me. People feel very comfortable and safe behind their computer screens, and while that can be a good thing, it can also bring the ugly out reaaaaaallly fast.

jhems776 · March 2016

I'm also thinking if things got ugly I'd stop and probably not find a new forum. I know while on the TTGP there was about three different tones the board went through and one I didn't care for and rarely posted during that. As a FTM I really don't how mom groups can really be so I guess we will see. I've been thinking of finding a local mom meet up group. I'm not into any "movements" so it seems to be harder.

kosmo86 · March 2016

@jhems776 last summer I was part of the TTGP boards and it got pretty nasty a lot. I gave up after my mc in July and didn't come back until this board.

The only other board I have been active in over the years is a Disney theme park board, So generally they are all pretty nice over there too. I do really love this board.

Shiva14 · March 2016

SLou24 said:

Wow, this actually makes me terrified of mom groups. I knew that there was bound to be some sort of Mean Girls "pack mentality" as there so often is with groups of women, but some of those stories are just horrifying. I also must admit that even though I have a long way to go until LO is born, I'm already nervous about "mommy competition". I've seen it happen where women who are friends in real life break down because of the crazy competition they have about their children -- it's nuts. I'm so glad our board here is full of supportive, sane women who aren't here just to tear each other down and prove who's better!

If you find yourself in this situation, please remember to repeat " every kid develops at their own pace" to yourself over and over again along with "what works for my family doesn't works for yours - and that's OK".

No one is going to ask your LO when they first rolled over/started walking/ got potty trained at a job interview. These milestones are fun, but they are not a race (and some moms turn it into one). I've mostly encountered things like this from acquaintances, not friends, and you learn to brush it off. Example - DS didn't walk until he was 16 months (normal age range for walking is 10-18 months) and an acquaintance commented that her child must obviously be much smarter since he started walking at 10 months.

Now I think back and laugh because running after a walker/runner compared to a crawler is no joke and I should have cherised the extra months of him keeping his baby habbits (and she had to start running at 10/months). But at the time it was hurtful.

PSUBecky23 · March 2016

My April 13 BMB Facebook group is very tight and made up of some seriously amazing women. We dealt with some recent fallout over some drama that I won't go into. But despite the drama, no one is being vindictive about it. I couldn't imagine.

AnnaS930 · March 2016

Also was a member of December 14, when the exodus happened I chose not to go to the other board, I had a newborn at the time and just didn't care/didn't have the time and mental space to waste on joining a new group. We had already split off into a big facebook group and a smaller private facebook group. The big group drove me nuts so I bounced from that one and still chat daily with a few from the private group

AnnaS930 · March 2016

I will also say that we had a weekend on December 14 where another mom group (different website/forum) all made accounts and came and "attacked" our board but posting spam and nasty thoughts/comments. They also started threatening to use some website (I can't remember what it's called) that are basically people who take your information and find you in real life, etc etc. I remember actually feeling a bit scared. It was really soon after that I had The Bump delete my entire account

LakeR2014 · March 2016

AnnaS930 said:

I will also say that we had a weekend on December 14 where another mom group (different website/forum) all made accounts and came and "attacked" our board but posting spam and nasty thoughts/comments. They also started threatening to use some website (I can't remember what it's called) that are basically people who take your information and find you in real life, etc etc. I remember actually feeling a bit scared. It was really soon after that I had The Bump delete my entire account

@AnnaS930 That's insane and makes me wonder how people have the time to be that vindictive let alone think up these things? I mean you have to seriously do nothing in life to make it your mission to piss on people who you've never met in real life. Who does that?

I'm a FTM but have pretty open views about eating, breast feeding, cloth vs disposable diapers. I was raised on you eat what the familys having and disposable diapers, I'll raise my kids the same, its what works for us. Others will find a different way that works for them, totally cool. I have one friend who is uber down to earth, get back to nature, etc. Even before I was pregnant she was berating me for thinking of using disposable diapers and planning on vaccinating my children on the planned scheduled timeline. Needless to say I shut her down fast as it'll be my body, my kids, our future, type of thing. But she went crazy real fast with how much 'damage' I was doing to my non-existent kids already. I was awe-stuck at how quick she turned into sanctimommy.

nativetexan512 · March 2016

I am on here for advice and community. As a FTM, there are so many things I wonder about and I don't want to always text a friend or my sister AND there are so many new things to learn. I've found people on here are way more honest than in person, graphic descriptions of things instead of a vague "it sucks". I'm appreciative of this.

I've seen some serious sanctimommy/judgement happen in my real life, but it's almost always behind someone's back versus direct confrontation. The best I ever heard was soft versus hard soled shoes, I had a couple of friends lose their minds over this - what was better and if one was dangerous. It got pretty heated. I think the difference online is we feel secure typing from our keyboards, and some people say things they wouldn't ever say in person, but behind a screen it seems ok.

beachmama14 · March 2016

AnnaS930 said:

I will also say that we had a weekend on December 14 where another mom group (different website/forum) all made accounts and came and "attacked" our board but posting spam and nasty thoughts/comments. They also started threatening to use some website (I can't remember what it's called) that are basically people who take your information and find you in real life, etc etc. I remember actually feeling a bit scared. It was really soon after that I had The Bump delete my entire account

Yes I remember that!! I was mainly a lurker since I was a FTM and didn't have any advice to give and was mostly just soaking it all in... When all the shizz hit the fan I was really glad I didn't have posts for people to come "find me" with. It was so weird and creepy. I'm glad this board seems like a much calmer place!

diagonalley · March 2016

I love my J'14 group. We've had our fair share of drama, people have parted ways, but there are still 100 members or so in the FB group and I think we do a good job of supporting each other in various ways.

VeraMali · March 2016

Wow, that is just crazy! I know that I'm very opinionated and I'm one of those people who actually doesn't mind a good heated argument ( my dad always said I should have been a lawyer lol) but I can't see being so vindictive, especially over the internet! Once the discussion is over with what is the point in carrying it on in such hurtful ways? And how do other moms seriously have the time for that?! I don't even have the time or energy to get the laundry done these days!

mom2adoodle · March 2016

Oy, this makes me think twice about joining a Facebook group. I'm part of a few mommy groups on there but mainly lurk and they all have over 15k people so it's a little different. Some of you know wayyy more about me then anyone on Facebook. EEK!

tinypikachu · March 2016

mom2adoodle said:

Oy, this makes me think twice about joining a Facebook group. I'm part of a few mommy groups on there but mainly lurk and they all have over 15k people so it's a little different. Some of you know wayyy more about me then anyone on Facebook. EEK!

This was my exact first thought when I read this! I feel like I trust the regulars here but who knows who might join later on or if there are others that might enjoy doing things like these on FB. I'm a private person and don't even use FB anymore but I was thinking of opening it back up for when we do a group. Now, not so much.

marajay6 · March 2016

I've been on forums that claim to be inclusive and welcoming but they burn you pretty hard the second you have a disagreeing opinion. I've left some forums because people were always too quick to want to create drama. And I've seen in on TB many times as well (less after the exodus).

I mostly avoid confrontation - I suck at arguing (both in real life and on the internet) and it's not really worth the effort - you aren't going to change someones mind in a forum/chat room/Facebook group. I have gotten so much useful information from the groups I've gotten involved with that it makes it worthwhile to put up with the crazy people.

And with forums/groups that have a decent number of members, you can easily feel attacked when you aren't. I've seen people post something naive or suggest a bad idea. Even when everyone responds gently, it feels pretty bad to have dozens of posts correcting you or stating that your idea isn't very good.

mrsl0429 · March 2016

@KimmySchmidt (awesome sn btw) thank you for posting - as an FTM, what the Sanctimommy has to say is freaking terrifying. This is the first time I've really ever been active in any kind of online boards, and that's really only because the vibe on this one is so positive. (I definitely lurked the first few months of my pregnancy) I'm here for the same reasons as @nativetexan512 - advice, community, and oh good Lord is that normal.

Few people were on the Whooping Cough board this week and it got a little tense with some anti-vaxx talk, only to be shut down by someone pointing out that everyone experience is different, clearly the woman that brought it up had her reasons, etc. I thought it was great how kindly it was handled

But people exposing real names, dudes catfishing and other boards crashing and threatening people? What in the actual F is wrong with people?

drmh22 · March 2016

It's things like this that cause us to have such a negative reaction when people suggest fb groups this early in the game. We don't know each other, we're just getting to the point of recognizing screen names, beginning to recognize humor, etc.
I also had the privilege of being a part of the D14 drama. It was ridiculous, and a lot of it was brought in by people who were there only to troll. I did join a fb group towards the end of our pregnancies. I think we started with 75, and we have 69 now. We had multiple people putting it together, and they had to recognize the screen names/people. I don't know what I would do without them. We're much more personal now. Coming into a forum like this where thousands of people can see what you post? You need to be careful, but it's not always bad.

jackiel1987 · March 2016

That's sad. I am also on BBC and I noticed there's a lot of very opinionated and mean ladies on there. I just keep my mouth shut because I hate controversy, but you can bet I have some thoughts about some of them. I wish this board was as active as BBC though. It seems like things move really slow on here.

jensou · April 2016

I guess because AOL dial up (with the free Cd in the mail!) was how I started internetting with my first kid, I don't really understand how a board or forum could get so crazy. I hope we don't have any weirdos joining late in the game on here. I have really enjoyed the board thus far and my favorite part is people's honest opinions and situations. It's just very real here and makes me feel normal and comfortable knowing other mommas are in the same boat as me sometimes.

FB for me is just a place to see updates from my family and friends from school days or coworkers that I actually like and would hang out with.

diagonalley · April 2016

I've read some of your concerns regarding a FB group forming in the future and what it could turn into. My group is amazing, and it's locked down. If you weren't recognized as a regular by one of 5 people on the board, you were not invited or accepted into the FB group and if you didn't join in the initial joining (within the first 2 months or so) the group got locked and you weren't able to join, so a second group ended up being created. I definitely think when the time comes we should have these "conditions" figured out, voted on, and set in stone so that everyone who wants to be a part of it feels as comfortable as possible.

AnnaS930 · April 2016

My post about the threats made to December 14 wasn't meant to scare anyone, it just reminded me of when things got kinda serious on there and lead a lot of us to have our accounts deleted and fear ever coming back. December 14 was a very snarky group (and I will admit, I loved the snark because I was in with the crowd that did it). You could not post any question about "is this normal" because you'd be blasted with a hundred gifs about asking your doctor, and how we couldn't diagnose. It was just a very very different board. If you had never posted and threw in a random question late in the 2nd tri, you were not going to be supported, there was a strong "you have to give support to receive mantra". Therefore, these people would come on, get flamed, then run back to the other site they were using and rally up some White Knights to come in and rescue them. That all boiled over and led to a weekend where they all planned to hit up the board. I never bump on weekends, so I didn't see much of it - but that's when things went wrong.

This board, again, doesn't have the snark/attack mentality and I really don't think we will draw the attention from other months/other forum sites that D14 did. I still love a lot of those women though.

camichael84 · April 2016

@AnnaS930 S14 had the same tone as D14. I think most of TB really had that tone before the exodus. Which, I believe, is why they changed things here. I loved it then, too, but I also love the vibe of this board now. I miss the snark on weird rando posts, but not when we are having frank, controversial discussions.

And I agree that when we start a FB group, the precautions @diagonalley mentioned should be taken.

blondie080300 · April 2016

I just hope everyone remembers my damn #'s next to my name when I ask to join the FB group!

tinypikachu · April 2016

As one person that is rethinking joining the FB group, it was reading the Sanctimommy post that did it! I wasn't put off so much about your experiences as I know about the exodus and, like others, was part of the TTGP board that was not without its snark.

I'm very non-confrontational and I'm really never "out to get anyone" or judge anyone with my posts. I've done all I can to stay away from drama in my personal life and I definitely don't like drama online. I'm here to share experiences and learn from others (FTM!) and have a sense of community. So reading the blog post showed me how easy some people can twist whatever you say, however harmless it is, and end up judging and trying to punish you when you least expect it. I'm glad this board has been pretty decent about that and I hope it stays that way. If it does, I think the people that might be put off by joining the FB group later on will come around. I know I would!

geminigirl16 · April 2016

AlwaysAuntNeverMom said:

As one person that is rethinking joining the FB group, it was reading the Sanctimommy post that did it! I wasn't put off so much about your experiences as I know about the exodus and, like others, was part of the TTGP board that was not without its snark.

I'm very non-confrontational and I'm really never "out to get anyone" or judge anyone with my posts. I've done all I can to stay away from drama in my personal life and I definitely don't like drama online. I'm here to share experiences and learn from others (FTM!) and have a sense of community. So reading the blog post showed me how easy some people can twist whatever you say, however harmless it is, and end up judging and trying to punish you when you least expect it. I'm glad this board has been pretty decent about that and I hope it stays that way. If it does, I think the people that might be put off by joining the FB group later on will come around. I know I would!

All of this! You put it into words so much better than I could have!

Shiva14 · April 2016

@jackiel1987 I got curious and peeked at BBC for the first time in years. First thing I saw was a vaccine debate with majority speaking AGAINST vaccination. Made me love the Bump a little extra today

Prncesta · April 2016

Shiva14 said:

Good read - and a good reminder of why I stay away from FB groups! I've seen some things go South on the Bump several times and am reminded over and over how important protecting your privacy is (example - the bmb before the one I was part of with DS had some major catfish drama going on. A teenager pretended to be pregnant and made up a fabricated life with stolen footage and partook on the July14 board for months and months before someone realized and outed her). The Bump is much calmer and less snarky than what it used to be. But in the old days I wouldn't put it past certain people to conact CPS had they known other poster's information.

I was on that board too! After that, I was hesitant to join again but honestly, the boards are supposed to be for support, not to bash each other or have weird catfish crap going on!

ccreagh · April 2016

The March 2013 board was amazing. We started a Facebook group and did have our fair share of drama--but that was a while ago. Our current group probably has about 80-100 ladies in it and I love it. We are all so supportive of each other--many of us have even met up in person. I look forward to a Sept 16 Facebook group!

KimmySchmidt · April 2016

I'm extremely weary of joining any facebook group and have gone out of my way so as not to share any specific personal info about myself, so I'm not sure I'll be willing to venture forth when facebook time comes rolling around.

But I can admit there's a part of me that enjoys being a spectator to the drama. It's not a part I'm particularly proud of, but it's there for sure.

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