STM has child #1 started acting differently as you get ready for new baby?

Mellbow · March 2016

I have a 23 month old who is showing some behavior changes as we have been pulling out and cleaning all of our baby stuff. She mostly seems to have more anxiety at night (wringing her hands as she falls asleep/ waking up frequently). We have shown her where her new room will be as she upgrades to a twin bed, but it is not ready yet and we will probably make the move sometime next week. I was expecting behavior changes after the baby is born, or when she moves rooms, but already?!

Any advice to make this transition go more smoothly? My expectations on how this going to go are pretty low right now

TXmamatobe · March 2016

My DD turned two in December and I've noticed that sometimes she is pretty adverse to the idea of having a new baby around. They are so young to understand the true concept of having a sibling but they can sense changes and I do believe it causes some anxiety concerning what their place in the family will be going forward.

Sometimes she is excited and other times she will say things like, "I don't want a brother" or "I'm the baby". It does make me sad and definitely makes me worry about how the transition will go. I try to talk to her about it without too much detail - I tell her she gets to be my big helper and that her brother loves her so much already. I got her a little bag from Pottery Barn Kids and filled it with diapers and other things she can use to help me take care of the baby. We will give it to her at the hospital. I'll give her a gift from the baby and let her pick something out to give to him.

All this is to say, you are not alone! I pray that she will fall in love with him when he's here and that it will go better than I imagine. I'm prepared for some hard times but I have faith that she will adapt and be a sweet big sister in no time.

JessicaB0627 · March 2016

DD has been a little more difficult lately, but I've chalked that up to her turning 3 next month. The biggest change I've noticed is her being extra clingy to DH. She's always been a daddy's girl but the past few weeks she has to constantly be sitting on his lap or cuddling with him or leaning on him. I know he's just eating it up!

I don't think any amount of preparation will truly make a toddler ready to bring a sibling home, but I think you should try to explain things the best you can. We've really focused on calling DD a big girl and explaining that she is not the baby anymore, but that there will be a new baby. We talk a lot about all of the things that DD will be able to teach her sister and all the things she'll be able to share with her. She seems really excited right now! She is 3 though, so I feel like I can have more serious conversations with her than I could at 23 months, but I've just really tried to be honest with her about everything.

hellogoodbye2 · March 2016

My DD is 2.5 and she has been extremely excited about the new baby coming. It might just be an age/phase thing, but she is old enough now to communicate to us hows she's feeling, but not old enough to completely grasp what's about to happen.

To add to what @JessicaB0627 said, even though it makes me happy that she's excited, you never know how they are truly going to react when the baby comes home. All you can do is be as positive about the whole experience as possible and hope for the best :-)

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

hellogoodbye2 said:

To add to what @JessicaB0627 said, even though it makes me happy that she's excited, you never know how they are truly going to react when the baby comes home. All you can do is be as positive about the whole experience as possible and hope for the best :-)

This. My son is insanely excited about having a baby sister and constantly talks about how much he loves her and reads to her every night and all the heart-meltingly adorable stuff. But I have fully prepared myself that things may take a turn when he realizes Mama can't give him all the attention because Baby Luna needs to be fed or changed or is crying. And since he is such a ham and loves to be center stage, I know he is going to have some difficulty sharing the spotlight when visitors oooh and ahhh over the new baby and aren't completely focused on his little songs and antics. So I am soaking up all the love and excitement, but plan to continue to reassure Renzo that he is special and I love him even if I can't always be paying attention to him. There will be some jealousy and adjustments to deal with, but keeping realistic expectations that it isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows seems the best path right now.

doozer1345 · March 2016

We are dealing with this. I cleaned the pack n play and it was drying outside on the deck. DD said that's MY bed! I brought the car seat down and she said that's MY seat! How I've handled it so far is to randomly ask her if she's ready to help me with changing/feeding/loving her new sister and that I really need her help. I've continued with the PNP and car seat by saying yes it is hers but since she's such a big girl now can she let her sister use it since she now has a big girl bed and car seat. So far it's working and she's been happy to say yes.

mello13 · March 2016

DS has had moments where it's a struggle. He wakes a lot at night, and he deliberately peed on his baby sister doll when DH and I were working on the nursery instead of paying attention to him.

The reality is this is a big change. And even though he doesn't fully grasp what that means, he can see that attention is being focused elsewhere and behavior has changed (because I just don't have the energy to do some things right now!). I know there will be a learning curve.

In the meantime, I talk a lot about what he can do/eat/play with etc that the baby cannot. And when prepping the nursery etc we talk about how he used to sleep in a crib, play with baby toys etc. I also don't stop him from touching or using the baby stuff, because he quickly bores of it anyway and to limit it just makes it an unnecessary battle.

cortney626 · March 2016

My daughter is 8.5 so it's definitely different than having a toddler. She understands much better than a toddler. But I've noticed a little jealousy. Because it's been only her for 8.5 years, it will be an adjustment for her. When I was buying stuff for the nursery, she wanted similar items for her room. I had to show her how I created a nursery for her (her room has been changed several times of course). She's been wanting a sibling for years so she is very excited and will be a huge help. But DH and I still plan on having one on one dates with her once the baby comes. Plus she's in sports and has school projects/ activities. So she still needs our attention. We've been prepping her that she will have to do some things on her own b/c a baby needs more attention. We know it will be an adjustment for all of us and before long it will be the new norm.

Mellbow · March 2016

Thanks everyone! She is pretty young so conversations about #2 have been minimal. I do like the idea of showing her all the fun things she can have/ play with that her sister can not. Right now she likes putting her baby doll in the swing and bouncer, so maybe making her my "helper" will work some. I can also see terrible two tantrums coming when she sees her sister occupying what she believes is her dolls swing.

Hopefully one on one time and talking up the big girl status will help things along! I just hope she starts sleeping better. This momma needs to rest up for those every two hour feedings!

JessicaB0627 · March 2016

I think some kids go through a 2-year sleep regression too, so it might not having anything to do with the baby! Hopefully she starts sleeping better soon.

kbrands7 · March 2016

DS is 23 months too. Most of the time, he is very excited about the idea of having a brother and he has been requesting to read the Daniel Tiger big brother book several times per day for nearly a month. He's (mostly) very affectionate towards the baby bump too and kisses his brother night-night and such. He had a bit of an initial awkward reaction when I pulled out the car seat and PNP this past week though. He tried to get in each one (he's over the weight/height limits) and we talked about how he's still my baby too, but that he's also my big boy helper-- and the baby needs these things now just like he did when he was little. So, for a little bit we put Donald Duck in the car seat and he carried it around the living room, then I showed him the new orientation of his car seat (we finally made the switch to forward facing over the weekend) and he was pretty excited again. I think a lot of it is playing up both that I'm still his Mama too, but that there will be a little baby that will use some of the things that he used to think of as just his. Like @jessicab0627, @laurenmdrn16, and @hellogoodbye2 said though, I'm preparing myself for some Mama-time jealousy once the baby is here because I truly don't know how he'll react until it happens. I have some plans of things that I can do with DS while his brother is sleeping, and a few new books and things for him stashed away to bring out little by little too to play up the togetherness angle and the big-brother angle of this transition.

1mae2016 · March 2016

While I am a first time mom and have no direct experience with handling the emotions of the first baby from a parents stand point, I do have the experience from an educators stand point. Until recently I worked at a Montessori school with 11-24 month olds. During my 2 years there we had several of the kids turn into big sisters/brothers while they were still in our room. Even from our side we could see behavior changes and sometimes even a regression in a few of the children. We were sure to talk to the parents about steps they were taking at home and any special things they were mentioning at home. We would even try and do a few lesson plans every so often about family roles and conduct play time around playing with babies (babydolls) and how to care and love them. Although they were very young and their comprehension wasn't as great at as an older toddler, many of them did get the point and their behavior improved, even after the new baby made an appearance. I guess my point is that if your child is in daycare you could ask the teachers to maybe incoorperate some family lessons?

KelleAlward · March 2016

I have a 23 month old. She us very excited to have a baby brother. She started getting obsessed with babies and dogs around 14 months. We have a dog, which she loves, and now she can't wait to have a baby. She's been pretending changing diapers for her stuffed animals, and sometimes crawls on my lap to pretend she's the baby. She also thinks everyone in our family has a baby in their tummy, including herself and the dog, lol. I've tried to be very open with her from the start of the pregnancy and encourage her excitement towards babies. I also give her lots of attention, and will continue to do so, so hopefully that doesn't become an issue.

arj14 · March 2016

FTM, but I just wanted to mention a cute big sibling book I saw at the library today:

Mission: New Baby by Susan Hood (link at amazon is https://www.amazon.com/Mission-New-Baby-Susan-Hood/dp/0385376723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459389894&sr=8-1&keywords=mission+new+baby)

Mellbow · April 2016

Well just for the record, what I thought was anxiety turned out to be hand foot and mouth disease. Wrong time of year and barely visible, but the doc said the weather has been wonky here and causing a lot of illnesses to show up out of season in my area. Thanks daycare!

Also, we moved into the big girl room and she wants nothing to do with the nursery! Yay

. She is on the mend, she has been in better spirits, and everyone is getting more sleep.

I definitely need to grab more big sister books, though.

emma+karen · April 2016

DS really likes babies when he sees them--always wants to go look and "say hi," but I think he's having trouble envisioning a baby that he can't see. We showed him ultrasound pictures, but it's obviously not the same, especially to a 3-year-old. We did watch the Daniel Tiger "learn to be a big brother" episode last night and I think that helped--he came over to blow raspberries at my belly and said, "I'm making the baby laugh!" He's adjusted really well to his big boy bed and knows the baby will sleep in the crib (I also think it helped that we kept him in his current room). I'm hopeful for a good adjustment...FX!

Bellodomani · April 2016

My son is 2.5 so I honestly can't tell if any crazy he's putting out is baby-related or would be happening either way because, toddler. He is super excited to have a sister, loves to talk to her and always wants to say hi to my friends' babies. But nevertheless I'm expecting it to be a shit show around here when the baby comes, he's a huge mama's boy and I don't anticipate him sharing me easily. We'll see!

Bellodomani · April 2016

Mellbow said:

Well just for the record, what I thought was anxiety turned out to be hand foot and mouth disease. Wrong time of year and barely visible, but the doc said the weather has been wonky here and causing a lot of illnesses to show up out of season in my area. Thanks daycare!

Also, we moved into the big girl room and she wants nothing to do with the nursery! Yay . She is on the mend, she has been in better spirits, and everyone is getting more sleep.

I definitely need to grab more big sister books, though.

Ugh, it's going around at our daycare too

We got it really bad last year, hoping we can be spared this time around.

mechele88 · April 2016

My DD is 4 years old and she is constantly talking about how she is getting a baby brother. She has been helping get his room ready. All of the stuffed animals and dolls at the house have play diapers on them now. The only thing with her is that she has gotten super clingy of me. She is overly protective of me and my belly (where her brother lives right now- her words). She wants to go to every appt with me and hold my hand during ultrasounds. She even insists that he is going to stay in her room so she can protect him from monsters.

mommar13 · April 2016

DS will be 2 at the end of the month, and I really think it's hit or miss on if he understands anything about the baby at this point. The past couple of weeks he finally had that "ah ha" moment where he made the connection to seeing babies out and about and the fact that I keep telling him that Mommy has a baby in her belly. We have tried to sit down and explain that this is 'our' baby and 'his' baby to try and help prevent some of the jealousy problems. He has even started taking his stuffed horse, Neigh, and putting a diaper on him and caring for him like a baby. I know that there will be some rough moments, and some heartwarming ones, but honestly the thing I'm worried about the most is DS trying to interact with DD and accidentally hurting her. I can already see him trying to play ball with a 2 week old

He's still working on the whole gentle thing when he's excited....

Bluejay3030 · April 2016

OP, I'm glad you got to the bottom of your daughter's weird behavior, but I'm sorry it turned out to be hand food and mouth disease. I hope she's better now.

My 2 year old (turned 2 in December) has been a hot, hot mess for a couple of weeks. I think it's because we've forced a number of transitions on her in the past 2 months, some because of her brother coming and others just because she's growing up. She's also getting over a bad cold. Either way, she seems excited about meeting her baby brother, but she's definitely struggling emotionally. I have no idea if there's one root cause or if it's a number of things, because (a pp said it best): toddlers.

laurenmdrn16 · April 2016

So this is new. Apparently my son is refusing to sleep at daycare because he is afraid he will miss meeting his baby sister. His teacher said that he will nap for a few minutes, then wake up suddenly and announce "I am having a baby sister!" randomly and not be able to go back down. She keeps reassuring him that he will definitely be able to see her after she is born, but I think he might be upset because I said he would go to school instead of coming to the hospital with me when it is time for Luna to be born. I had to do some damage control so hopefully he actually naps today. Fingers crossed!

Also, he insists on helping me get dressed in the morning. I may update with a picture of the outfit he was adamant that I wear. It is...interesting...

Myzticsunshine · April 2016

It's pretty darn cute that he wants to see Luna so badly that he's refusing to sleep at school.

Milos (my 3 yr old) is really just into doing his own thing right now, for the most part. He has been for a while. I have noticed a *bit* more of a desire to be by my side than usual, but not anything crazy. He knows he's going to be a big brother, and have a baby brother soon. He seems excited about it. Talks about it super often, and loves to say hi to every baby he sees (he's always loved babies though). What's super adorable is that he wants to break his brother Silas' toys in. He's constantly asking to play with them, and to get him matching ones so they can play together. I think it'll be fun, but I have read about the sleep regression, and I'm hoping it doesn't affect our trying to potty train him. We are already having such a difficult time with both of these things because DS is so super stubborn.

He's also got the Hand, Foot, and Mouth bug. It's the scariest sickness I've seen so far on my baby boy. Good luck to you mama @Mellbow

2.red.heads · April 2016

My 2 kids are farther apart (3 1/2 years) so I wasn't dealing with a toddler back then, but I'd say just try to make things light and fun. Don't talk about the baby all the time, make your child part of some of the set-up or picking out things the baby will need. Read books about bringing home a baby, pump up the idea about being an awesome big sis or bro, look back at baby pictures of your older child with them.

My youngest is 5, so she's well aware of what is about to happen. Lately she hasn't been wanting to go to preschool which she used to always love. She says she wants to stay home with me so I think she's sensing big changes are coming. Everyone wants to chat about my twin pregnancy and I try to give my DD attention too when she's standing there. She hears it all the time and I'm sure it gets old.

camillaandcarson · April 2016

I agree it is hard to know because : toddler.

We read lots of books about it.
I bought gifts from the baby to my toddler and will have them both at home and hospital (mostly to keep LO busy gifts).
I also bought a custom outfit reflecting their sibling status to wear to meet the baby for the first time (did this so they wouldn't feel left out by the welcome home baby outfit).

I also let mine go to almost all doctor's appointments (with dad there too to watch LO if needed) and plan on making a simple "book" of sorts of to really help address the part that is coming up (the separation due to the c-section at the hospital) with a positive spin and easy language using pics from LO's birth. We look back at the pictures a lot lately to help LO understand more of what newborns look like and can and can't do.

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