DH not bonding - HELP!!!! — The Bump
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DH not bonding - HELP!!!!

Our baby is nearly 8 months old and DH still has not bonded with him. DH doesn't soothe / comfort him when he's fussy / crying. He doesn't feed him, put him down for a nap, give him medicine when sick, sometimes leaves him in a soiled diaper, spends very limited time alone with him. When the baby wakes in the night, 98% of the time I'm the one getting up with him. Of the 2% of times he gets up with the baby, 99% of the time he will end up waking me up to attend to the baby. He tells me that the baby is high maintenance and it's my fault. He tells the baby to stop crying / whining and gets annoyed when he doesn't stop. He tells the baby, when he was sick and not sleeping well bc of it, that he won't hold him all night and that he needs to go to sleep (baby had high temp, double ear infection, upper respiratory infection, blisters in his throat). I could go on, but this is a good snapshot of DH. I've tried talking w him about some of this....importance of spending time w the baby to learn what he needs / wants, learning how to soothe / comfort him. It only seems to annoy him further. I don't mind (actually, I really enjoy it) almost fully taking care of the baby, but it drives me bonkers when it's the 3rd, 4th, 5th time the baby has woken up,bc he's not feeling well, and I'm trying to soothe him and get him back to sleep, while my husbsnd is scanning the tv to find a rerun of Friends to watch. Before I blow a gasket, someone please offer me some advice!

Re: DH not bonding - HELP!!!!

  • No advice. DH Tries to soothe ours but he's just not mom so I think that makes it hard.
  • You can't really make a baby high maintenance. Maybe try to get him to go to a baby class or to read a book. And let him know that getting frustrated at the baby isn't helping the baby calm down.
  • I second the suggestion of getting him a book or if you have friends or relatives with children, have them over for dinner. Many men just don't understand what is "normal".

    My DH isn't the best in the newborn stage but is an amazing toddler dad so know that there is hope :). That said, your situation sounds pretty extreme. I would be having a very frank conversation with him. It takes 2 to make a baby and it doesn't sound like he is really stepping up. Define very clearly what you need and hopefully he will respond.
    Married DH 08.28.10
    Pregnancy #1: BFP 04.10.11 EDD 12.23.11 DD1 Born 12.4.11
     Pregnancy #2: BFP 5.12.14 MC 5.20.14 @ 5wk4d
    Pregnancy #3: BFP 11.1.14 EDD 7.5.15 MC 11.13.14 @ 6wk4d
    Pregnancy #4: BFP 1.31.15 EDD 10.5.15 DD2 Born 9.23.15
     
    AKOL0
  • He has a 13 yr old son, so I assumed he would've had an idea of what to expect with this baby. My stepson is also an issue here, bc my DH doesn't want him to be disturbed when the baby is crying or even cooing.
  • That's retarded. I'm sorry.
    aln624mwalles
  • It's complete insanity! As I said, I have no problem fully taking care of the baby, but to be doing so while my husband watches tv, scans the Internet, rests, relaxes, has something to eat, showers, etc, infuriates me. Actually, never mind, it doesn't infuriate me. What does is his complaints that the baby is high maintenance, that I should be doing other things and that the baby only responds to me. OF COURSE the baby is only going to respond to me bc I'm the only one caring for him. Every time I ask my DH if he wants to go someplace he will ask if the baby will be quiet and settled and/or sleeping when we go out. When I say that I don't know, he complains that there's no predictability with the baby and it's not enjoyable to go out if the baby isn't sleeping / quiet. So, we mostly stay home, but when we go out I'm a nervous wreck that the baby will cry, fuss, need something bc this will upset my DH. Again, complete insanity!!!
  • I am glad you recognize that it is insanity! Sorry I don't have advice. Is there anyone else that can help him to realize that his behavior is really ridiculous?
    Married DH 08.28.10
    Pregnancy #1: BFP 04.10.11 EDD 12.23.11 DD1 Born 12.4.11
     Pregnancy #2: BFP 5.12.14 MC 5.20.14 @ 5wk4d
    Pregnancy #3: BFP 11.1.14 EDD 7.5.15 MC 11.13.14 @ 6wk4d
    Pregnancy #4: BFP 1.31.15 EDD 10.5.15 DD2 Born 9.23.15
     
  • I don't think so. Even the baby's pediatrician has tried to convey to him that while having a baby is an incredible thing, it's also very difficult and challenging, that we all need to accept that our lives have changed, that the baby is going to cry at times and we won't know why, etc. The baby had colic at 5-6 months, which drove my DH up the wall. The pediatrician gave us tips on how to cope, but said there's nothing that can be done to stop it, that the baby just needs to grow out of it. This was "unacceptable" to my DH.
  • I have defined what I need and want, but he doesn't want to go along with it. He says I shouldn't be telling him what to do. I don't tell him what to do. I tell him what I need, give him suggestions of how to accomplish it, ask for feedback. Ex. Once I started back to work, I told my DH that we need to figure out a plan for the night time for when / if the baby wakes up bc I couldn't be getting up all the time and then need to get up for work in the morning. I suggested we split the week (Mon, Wed, Fri / Tues, Thurs), split the night (11:pm - 3:am / 3:am - 7:am), trade off weeks. He wouldn't agree to any of those options and didn't offer any other options, so....98% of the time the baby wakes up (which has been a lot lately bc he's been sick), I get up with him. The 2% of the time my DH gets up, he ends up either standing / sitting next to me as the baby cries, so I can't sleep or he will wake me up within minutes to take the baby. Once in a great while he will put the baby back to bed. So....I actually get up 99.99% of the time. I don't mind being up with the baby, but that my DH will flip through the tv channels or get on his phone, well, it's simply obnoxious. Right?
  • We recently started counseling, but I don't feel he's been honest with the psychologist.
  • Maybe he's not being dishonest, but just hasn't really opened up about it. Either way, the fact that he's been going with you is a great first step and a good sign that he wants to resolve this too. Good luck.
    ME: 31  DH: 31 DD: June '16 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife :::: Stalk My Chart ::::
    TTGP June Siggy: Bad Tan Lines
  • Oh no, he's lied right in front of me. He's told the psychologist that he does things that he 100000% doesn't do. He's also told her that he listens to my concerns and responds to my feelings. No way Jose!!!
  • I think he lies bc he doesn't want anyone to know how he's really handling having a baby. It's all very sad
  • I've read your other post as well. I don't think that you or your baby should be around this man. Something is very wrong with him in treating you both this way. It is NOT okay. It must be very difficult to see the person you love or once loved acting this way but it's not a healthy relationship and I hope you find the strength to protect your futures and and get out. Do you have a relationship with the mother of his son? Was he like this with his first child? Was he like this before the baby was born or has something changed? I'm so sorry.
    mwalles
  • I hate to say this... but this sounds like the beginning of the end :(  I have a friend who had a VERY similar situation, Her Husband refused to help with their baby, felt it was 'her job' & just was an awful father.  She then had a 2nd baby with him thinking it would 'fix' things & they got WORSE...He also flat out lied to therapists, now she's divorced with 2 small kids. I'm not trying to make it scarier then it already is, but you may be better off with this guy. You might want to consider some solo counseling & consider your options. It's better to be a single parent then for your baby to grow up around this guy. I'm so sorry you are going thru all this.  
  • I've seen you post before Hun and my recommendation is the same. He's only going to get worse and it's time to consider leaving. 
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