My son will be four weeks old tomorrow, and this mommying thing is so, so much harder than I ever thought it would be (he's my first). Our "Sprout" sleeps most of the day, and most of the time when he's awake, he's crying. If I've changed him and fed him and he's still crying, I start to break down and burst into tears, because I don't know what else to do. I decided when I was pregnant that I wanted to leave my job and stay home with him full time, and it's already so difficult - I have a hard time putting him down without his fussing or crying, so I wind up being able to get very little done during the day.
Last night was one of the hardest I've had since we brought him home. My husband is in the military and has a duty weekend once a month, and I suggested that he sleep in the guest room this weekend so that he wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night by Sprout's crying, since he has to get up pretty early to go to the base. He slept in there on Friday, but decided to sleep in our room last night, and said, "I'm just going to ask that you be the first one to respond when he wakes up, if you don't mind." I agreed to it, hoping that maybe once he'd get up to prep a bottle while I changed the diaper. Instead, what I didn't realize was that "first one" meant "only one." When I first put him to bed, he was fussing up a storm, so I took him into the other room to rock him in our rocking chair. For some reason the chair started creaking like crazy, so I ended up having to sit still and just rock back and forth on my own. Then during one of the feedings in the wee hours, I went down the two steps into our living room to get the Boppy pillow, and as I was coming back up I tripped and jammed my toe. The minute he heard my cry of pain, my husband got up and asked if I was okay. I said, "I stubbed my toe," and he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry," and went back to bed. I'd been hoping he'd at least help me while he was up, but no such luck. I suppose the way he sees it, I have the opportunity to nap during the day if I want to, but in all honesty, I really can't, because half the time Sprout doesn't want to be put down, and even when he does, I have a hard time getting to sleep because I'm on pins and needles waiting for him to wake up.
Then today he had an episode where he just would not stop crying. I changed him (twice) and offered him the breast because he was rooting like crazy even though I'd just fed him about a half hour earlier. He'd latch for a few seconds, then detach and start crying again, and he'd repeat this over and over. It got to the point where I knew he wasn't getting milk and was just sucking for comfort and my nipples were starting to get sore from the constant nursing, and he refused the pacifier. The more he fussed, the more frustrated I got, and I was in tears and crying, "What do you
want?" over and over. Finally, I fed him a bottle and he fell asleep. I never yelled or even raised my voice, but looking at his sweet, (finally) peaceful face, I felt horrible for losing my patience with him.
I'm the sort of person who used to shower and do my hair and makeup every day, even if I wasn't planning on leaving the house, because it just makes me feel more put together. Now my showers are happening roughly every other day, I can rarely do anything with my hair (it's usually just in a messy bun), and the makeup never happens. I look in the mirror and can't stand the sight of myself, partly because I have no time for grooming, and partly because of my puffy eyes and tear-streaked face. I can count on one hand the number of days in the past month that I haven't broken down crying at some point. I don't know if I'm experiencing post-partum depression or not, because there are definitely reasons why I end up frustrated and in tears. I feel like I've given up my whole life, like what I want or need isn't at all important anymore, like I don't exist except as a human pacifier and diaper changer. I love my son more than anything, and on the couple of occasions when my husband and I have gone out and left him with someone for a couple of hours, I've missed him like crazy. I don't want a break from him, I just want a break from the diaper changes, the crying, the constant breastfeeding, pumping, and washing bottles. My husband still works on his hobbies when he's at home, but I feel like I haven't done anything just for fun since the baby was born. I don't know if I could even relax to the point where I could do it, because my mind is so preoccupied with worrying about and caring for him. Part of me is angry and resentful toward my husband that he can do it, even though it's not entirely his fault. I knew having a baby would be a huge amount of work, but I guess I underestimated exactly how much work it would be. Even so, I thought that it'd all be worth it for the cuddles and the smiles and the bonding. But he's obviously not smiling yet, and I have a hard time bonding with him because I feel like when he's in my arms, all he does is sleep or cry.
Re: I just need to vent...
You're doing a great job and obviously care so much about your little one. Maybe, when you're having a particularly rough time with your little one, daddy can take him for a few minutes? Just so you can take a quick breather and come back a little more calm. I don't think you should be the only one taking care of little one in the middle of the night. But that's just my opinion. My husband also works and I'm a SAHM, but he will at least get up to change baby's diaper and get her ready for her late night feedings. (I realize you said your hubby has weekend duty once a month so I'm hoping the other nights go a little better with hubby's help?)
Hang in there! Everyone keeps telling me "it gets easier," which always makes me roll my eyes, but I'm really hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel!
ETA: I recently got a little electric swing thing for my daughter and it's REALLY helped calm her down when she's super fussy. She even passes out in it and stays asleep for her 2-3 hour day naps. Maybe you could invest in a swing or something similar?
Also, as others have said, you have to communicate how you're feeling to others including your husband. Ask for and take help when you need it.
I also second the suggestion of some sort of cosleeping arrangement. If baby needs to be close to you for you all to get some sleep then just oblige him. You'll feel so much better.
I hope you're able to communicate your needs to your husband. Often times I don't think men realize what it takes or the anxiety we feel as moms. Couldn't agree more though..this is much harder than I ever anticipated.