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August 2016 Moms
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Family Visits after Birth

Wolfie646Wolfie646 member
edited March 2016 in August 2016 Moms
We live in California and my husbands parents are in New York and my mom in Florida.  I know they are both planning to come out for the birth of our daughter.  My in-laws just told my husband they want to come and stay for two weeks.  Thankfully we don't have room at our place for them to stay, so they will be getting a hotel, but I'm just nervous that they will want to be with us everyday all day leaving us no time to ourselves with the baby (not to mention driving us up a wall crazy during an already crazy time).  I love my in laws but they are a lot to handle, my husband and I reach our limit with them at three to four days.  

So my question is how much do I really want them coming to the house after baby is born, I'm sure we will be stressed and appreciate the help, but I worry that they will add extra stress by being around so much, etc. not to mention my mom will also be around (she's much more chill/calm and easy for us to spend more time with) so how do we balance all of the visitors?

Any advice would greatly appreciated! 
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Re: Family Visits after Birth

  • cait5413cait5413 member
    My in-laws are not coming down until a couple weeks after (I have to start back to work pretty soon, so they are coming to help). I'd suggest asking them to wait a while--you have your mom for the first few weeks, and then they can come help out after that. You'll be in more of a routine and hopefully feeling better so you have the energy to deal with them!

    Married May 2014
    DD born August 2016
    Baby #2 due December 2017
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  • ShanRum3ShanRum3 member
    I would just make a list of things they can help out with while you are resting/recovering.. Just let them know how much you appreciate them being there, and that aside from holding the baby, they can do these other things to help you out.. you may even want DH to take his dad out for a day or something.. like take him golfing or something that they enjoy doing together. My family all lives nearby, and I'm sure they will be over a little bit, but I almost wish they would come over more than they did with the first 2. I like the company, and it will be nice to have someone to go out and play with my older 2 when I'm just not feeling up to it.
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  • Pam973Pam973 member
    A coworker gave me some great advice. I have a similar situation but am really not fond of my MIL. She basically suggested having visiting hours. Certain times they can come over and for how long. If it's istablished at the start it's easier to set boundaries.
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  • SkiChic626SkiChic626 member
    I would just go about your business like you normally would.  When you're sitting on your couch give warning that you're about to whip out a boob, it makes people really uncomfortable, and they'll get the hint that it's time to give you some privacy.  That's what I did with DD and it worked like a charm LOL.  Actually, last time I would sometimes retreat to my bedroom to nurse DD, but this time screw that, it's MY house, you can go to another room while I nurse if you're uncomfortable.
    DD  <3 6/15/2014
    Baby #2 due 8/11/2016

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  • mamaqdubumamaqdubu member
    I agree with @ShanRum3 and have thought about the same thing. Making lists of doing dishes, doing laundry, cooking dinner (or even better cooking food to put in the freezer), mowing the lawn, going to the grocery store etc etc. if they are coming to help, let them help you!! The first few weeks of baby is so important for the parents to bond with their new little one, and it's important the family knows yes they will of course be able to hold the baby (especially when you need a nap!!) but that your job is to take care of the little one, and their job as in laws and parents can be to help, not sit around waiting for you to give up your baby. 
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  • Wolfie646Wolfie646 member
    edited March 2016
    Right?  @imtrmama My MIL cannot stand a second without talking, always needs entertainment, and to be with us.  It's so exhausting.  Problem is I think she has severe ADD but has never gotten it checked out or does anything about it.  Drives us nuts! Sweet, kind hearted woman, but a lot to handle. 
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  • Wolfie646Wolfie646 member
    SkiChic626 said:
    I would just go about your business like you normally would.  When you're sitting on your couch give warning that you're about to whip out a boob, it makes people really uncomfortable, and they'll get the hint that it's time to give you some privacy.  That's what I did with DD and it worked like a charm LOL.  Actually, last time I would sometimes retreat to my bedroom to nurse DD, but this time screw that, it's MY house, you can go to another room while I nurse if you're uncomfortable.
    Haha, that's a good strategy.  Too bad my in-laws don't take hints like that! 
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  • Wolfie646Wolfie646 member
    caitlinj187 said:
    I agree with @ShanRum3 and have thought about the same thing. Making lists of doing dishes, doing laundry, cooking dinner (or even better cooking food to put in the freezer), mowing the lawn, going to the grocery store etc etc. if they are coming to help, let them help you!! The first few weeks of baby is so important for the parents to bond with their new little one, and it's important the family knows yes they will of course be able to hold the baby (especially when you need a nap!!) but that your job is to take care of the little one, and their job as in laws and parents can be to help, not sit around waiting for you to give up your baby. 
    I think this is what we are going to have to do as we know they won't be okay with not being there when the baby is first born.  I would feel terrible telling them no, and unknown it would cause a riff for a while.  So I do think scheduling tentative hours that make sense for them to visit letting them know it could change. And making a list of everything that we need help with to keep them busy and allow my husband and I to spend quality time together.  Because I also don't want him spending all of his paternity time with them, but rather me and the baby.  The joys of family... 
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  • hannahh18hannahh18 member
    I would just be honest with them and tell them you won't be ready for long term visitors right off the bat. You will be sore and healing from
    birth and nursing (if you are nursing) and that's just a lot to deal with! Once you get more of a routine, everyone will enjoy their visit more (you and them).

    I have a different situation. With my first my MIL would literally CRY if I told her we were already having other visitors over or had plans or just needed time to ourselves.. We finally decided that every Tuesday and Sunday nights we would go to her house to see her... Worried about how it will be with #2! 

    Just stand and your ground because what's MOST important is YOUR little family
    bonding time 
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  • BookhousegirlBookhousegirl member
    I agree about limiting the hours. We put a strict time limit on how long visitors could stay for (usually 2 hrs initially). I was so emotional and exhausted at first that I just wasn't up for entertaining for very long - it was really overwhelming. It's also hard because they usually want to just be with the baby and the baby really just wants to be with you. The worst was that my MIL would try to keep holding DS even when he started fussing, when I knew it was because he was cluster feeding and just wanted to nurse. I guess my lesson is that it's fine to have them there if you can set strict boundaries and be assertive about what you/the baby need. This time I'll set the boundaries before the baby comes so we don't run into the same problems. 



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  • charmedlifex3charmedlifex3 member

    We're running into the reverse problem. My inlaws are demanding *we* come to *them*...

    It's a 3 hour drive to the nearest airport, I have a medical condition which makes flying excrutiating, It's a 1200 flight for two people (assuming we baby wear and DON'T buy a seat for the baby) my husband is laid off, and we're trying to make ends meet as it is. Not to mention... I don't really want to expose myself or the baby to all the germs. AND I doubt running across the country is something I will feel up to...

    I've suggested my husband go alone *prior* to the birth (his dad does have cancer, to be fair to their demands) but so much nope on taking my 7 week old on a cross country jaunt 7 weeks post partum. Hell to the no.





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  • tmk0325tmk0325 member
    bananers said:
    @Allisun85 that's such a ridiculous request it's almost laughable. I think having DH visit your dad is a good compromise. 
    @Allisun85
    I have to agree! I can't believe they are even suggesting that knowing that you have a medical condition and a newborn!!  
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  • MrsrundellMrsrundell member
    @Allisun85 what the whaaaat?! Hell to the no! The cost alone is too high and you can't have a tiny newborn around all those strangers! 

    Im most worried about the competition between my mom and MIL .. If one comes over for x amount of time the other needs to have equal visiting asap.  I have no problem setting boundries while they are visiting though and feel really comfortable around them so breast feeding or asking them to clean or even telling them to back off if they are being pushy is no big deal.  Also, I worry about the competition of buying stuff for the baby, ugh we have no room for anything!!
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  • FremdschamenFremdschamen member
    I agree with a lot of what has been said!  We wanted a bit of time with DD right after she was born without any family visitors.  My parents came a few days later and stayed for a week, then MIL came for two.  I expected that MIL would do housework, cook, help out, but she really just sat around on her iPad and judged my brainless TV choices (very helpful!).  I was an emotional, hormonal disaster and her unhelpfulness drove me to complete resentment and rage.

    If I was to do it again, I would say 1 week max, and make a list of chores that I'd appreciate assistance with.  Since it is your ILs, put DH in charge of telling them they need to help out and/or entertaining them.

    As for nursing, if you're planning to breastfeed, tell people who visit that they are entering a home with a breastfeeding infant, and that if they are uncomfortable then they had best delay their visit for several months.  I have zero tolerance for people who expect YOU to accommodate their discomfort based on outdated, misogynist understandings about breastfeeding and female bodies. 

    BFP #1: 08/17/2012  DD1 born 05/01/2013

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  • Knottie1427415498Knottie1427415498 member
    Why not tell them that you appreciate the help, but what you need the most is help with grocery shopping cooking? That way they will at least be out of the house for some time.   

    I would actually love it if family could come and help for a week or two.   My mom is a teacher and my due date is right at the start of the school year , so I doubt that will happen.  And DH's family are in Canada.   
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  • Wolfie646Wolfie646 member
    Allisun85 said:

    We're running into the reverse problem. My inlaws are demanding *we* come to *them*...

    It's a 3 hour drive to the nearest airport, I have a medical condition which makes flying excrutiating, It's a 1200 flight for two people (assuming we baby wear and DON'T buy a seat for the baby) my husband is laid off, and we're trying to make ends meet as it is. Not to mention... I don't really want to expose myself or the baby to all the germs. AND I doubt running across the country is something I will feel up to...

    I've suggested my husband go alone *prior* to the birth (his dad does have cancer, to be fair to their demands) but so much nope on taking my 7 week old on a cross country jaunt 7 weeks post partum. Hell to the no.


    Seriously?  My goodness, that's brutal! I cannot believe that they expect you to come to them that soon.  I think your compromise makes sense, and hopefully they can use FaceTime for your FIL if he can travel. 
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  • jacmkelleyjacmkelley member
    edited March 2016
    After DD and the late night feeding etc... We were both exhausted. Besides the fact that the baby slept a lot so did I! I think if you just designate a time each day it would actually be beneficial to you. It may seem like you'll be up enjoying time with the baby, that first week is exhausting and DD and I slept more than anything. You wont miss much if you let them hold him or her while you sleep/rest/get ready. You and DH will appreciate the break. Even if they drive you crazy you can just say ok I'm going to nap now. 

    Plus there is a whole lot that goes on after the baby is born for us new mommies that isn't talked about as much. But your body is tired, you feel all outta whack down there, you can't poop for a few days, the list goes on... And on. So I'd say soak up the help while you can get it and count on feeling a little off and worn out regardless of who is there. Let yourself rest and appreciate their help. 

    All of that being said, I hope they like to help! Lol
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  • CeventaCeventa member
    Wow, two weeks is a lot, my goodness. I get it, they live out of town and they want to see their new grandchild, I get it I get it. It's also exhausting and with the addition of your mom being there too = Lots of parents. I think the idea of maybe asking them to come after your mom leaves is a good idea, that way you tackle on set at a time. However, be prepared for them to argue that they want to see the baby right away just as much as your mom. That would be the argument my in-laws would give. 

    When DS was born, my in-laws lived out of town at the time. A few days before my due date I started having really strong back pain that I thought might have been false labor, now I think its that DS was hitting a nerve or something. My in-laws took that as a sign that I was going into labor and drove down, and stayed at our house. Honestly, I would have much preferred that they stayed at a hotel, but asking them to do that would have caused a huge fight, so I stayed quiet. I went all the way to 41 weeks with DS, which means that for a whole week my in-laws sat around my house staring at me waiting for me to go into labor. My husband took off that week and the following week in anticipation that I would go into labor that first week and then he would have the following week at home with me and the baby. Well, since I had DS a week later, by the time we got home from the hospital and my in-laws left for home, we had ONE DAY together. I was so pissed. And that one day was only granted to us because on the way to pediatrician's office I broke down in the car and started crying to DH about how he needed to tell them to go home because I could not take it anymore. After a week of them being there waiting for me to go into labor, them being there when we got home from the hospital (and being at the hospital when we left too), and staying at our house the first few days home as a family, I could not take it anymore.

    My MIL cried the whole time they were leaving and I was like, 


    This time around, all the parents live in the area. To be specific, they all live within 5 miles (yey.). Now that I have experienced what it's like to be home with a newborn, plus that I will also have a 2 year old running around, I plan on having things play out very differently. For starters, I told DH to work until I practically go into labor, that way we can milk as much time off as possible with him. No one will be at our house when we get home, and there will be set visiting times, because knowing my MIL, they will stay for the entire day regardless of whether or not we drop hints that we would like them to go home. It's just the way it is. Currently we are struggling with getting them not to show up unannounced, which they love to do and it's a big no-no when you have a toddler on a napping schedule. I already told them that if they do that to me with a newborn, I will not open the door at all. 

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  • SkiChic626SkiChic626 member
    Allisun85 That's a sick like not even a little funny joke, right???  Who in their right mind would demand a new mother bring her newborn across the country?  That's really sad about your FIL, but that doesn't give them the right to ask that of you.  Nope.
    DD  <3 6/15/2014
    Baby #2 due 8/11/2016

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  • SkiChic626SkiChic626 member
    Fremdschamen said:

    As for nursing, if you're planning to breastfeed, tell people who visit that they are entering a home with a breastfeeding infant, and that if they are uncomfortable then they had best delay their visit for several months.  I have zero tolerance for people who expect YOU to accommodate their discomfort based on outdated, misogynist understandings about breastfeeding and female bodies. 
    I wonder if there's a sign on Pinterest you can print and stick on your front door with this on it, kinda like the baby is sleeping signs lol, I would TOTALLY do it this time.  I felt so put off when people would come over and I felt like I had to go to my bedroom to nurse or pump when my "station" was set up in our living room. 
    DD  <3 6/15/2014
    Baby #2 due 8/11/2016

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  • MrsrundellMrsrundell member
    @SkiChic626 Lolz - it prolly is on Pinterest if you look hard enough!! 
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  • smzappsmzapp member
    Give you and your hubby a week alone before any visitors. I would invite one set of parents to come for a week and then take a week off and then have the other come for a week. Only one week!!! I promise, they will drive you crazy. Your hormones and natural protective instincts will kick in and it may bother you that someone is always taking the baby. With my first, I would tell my husband to send people away because I was not getting to hold my own baby! Our family lives close so we had visiting ours where we allowed people to come over. Even with your family in town, you night want to designate a few hours a day for just you and your baby without visitors. It seems tough but it is important to set boundries. 
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  • charmedlifex3charmedlifex3 member

    @skichic626 ^

    And I think we've reached a compromise! If my FIL gets worse, my husband will go out there - alone. If everything is okay, then we are planning on bringing the baby out next spring and doing the christening in MT. My family agreed to come out, and are going to split a house rental with us for 5 days.

    It's not even his father who is asking for it! It's his sister. She tends to be pretty self centered, and her kiddo is twelve, so I guess she ... forgot? Didn't think?





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