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May 2016 Moms
Kurrant
member
Rant: Husbands can be such asses! (Or is it me?)
Kurrant
member
So the birth plan thread is going around and I've been reading it. I haven't started mine yet but recalled a section in my little booklet my OB gave that mentions a few of the things you ladies are talking about that I am clueless about. It got me thinking "what about the stuff not mentioned in the booklet?"
So MH and I are sitting around talking about how many days I will stay at the Birthcare Centre and I say "I need to remember to ask the Doc about if I call her or the hospital first. I was also wondering if they have the same sort of options like imitate skin to skin and things like that in NZ like they do in the US" he isnt listening and says "you can find all that out at the birth centre since you will be there for a few days!" So I explain that I'm talking about the actual birth and he goes on about how they cut the cord, take the baby and wash it first and that's just how it's done. ( his last kid was born 17 years ago mind you... I'm sure things have changed) so I said " that's another thing, they give the option of delayed cord clamping as well".
He lost it. LOST IT! I don't even know why! He went on a damn rant! " instead of asking me these things why don't you call the hospital and find out and then bring it up! None of this stuff is even important!!" So like a big baby I told him it was to me and I was just trying to have a discussion and that I wouldn't bother him with any more conversations and I stormed off.
No no I don't normally tantrum out of a room like that... He usually is the storm off type while I stay calm but GRRRRR I just feel so annoyed right now!!
Anyone else having anger issues like this? How do you deal with it? I feel like throwing some dishes around just to hear smashy noises!
So MH and I are sitting around talking about how many days I will stay at the Birthcare Centre and I say "I need to remember to ask the Doc about if I call her or the hospital first. I was also wondering if they have the same sort of options like imitate skin to skin and things like that in NZ like they do in the US" he isnt listening and says "you can find all that out at the birth centre since you will be there for a few days!" So I explain that I'm talking about the actual birth and he goes on about how they cut the cord, take the baby and wash it first and that's just how it's done. ( his last kid was born 17 years ago mind you... I'm sure things have changed) so I said " that's another thing, they give the option of delayed cord clamping as well".
He lost it. LOST IT! I don't even know why! He went on a damn rant! " instead of asking me these things why don't you call the hospital and find out and then bring it up! None of this stuff is even important!!" So like a big baby I told him it was to me and I was just trying to have a discussion and that I wouldn't bother him with any more conversations and I stormed off.
No no I don't normally tantrum out of a room like that... He usually is the storm off type while I stay calm but GRRRRR I just feel so annoyed right now!!
Anyone else having anger issues like this? How do you deal with it? I feel like throwing some dishes around just to hear smashy noises!
Re: Rant: Husbands can be such asses! (Or is it me?)
And yes, my anger can get pretty bad lately. Sometimes I have to walk away and calm down before I can continue. My worst anger thus far has been towards other (stupid) drivers.
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
To add to your rant, my mother was continuously telling me things about birth like MH wasn't allowed to stay the night with me and they would take the baby away as soon as he was born and all this stupid stuff that actually made me cry. I finally decided to ask my doctor and they looked at me like I was insane. "OF COURSE your husband can stay?!?!" So yes... 17 years changes ALOT of things. She also looked at me like I was nuts when I said I wanted to try the birthing ball and said the doctors would never allow it ... Little does she know there is actually one in every room of my hospital. Ugh. Rant over.
It takes an hour, max, and your husband should be fine with it because it mimics D-Day: You get to the hospital in the way you plan to get there on the day, they show you where you'll be admitted, and then they take you up. And it also shows you what the visiting situation looks like.
So you can be all sneaky, pretending to show DH "just what he needs to know" (i.e. parking and paperwork and visiting hours and how to get from place to place inside the hospital during off-hours) and then he'll see the whole shebang and realize just how much there really is to it and how many decisions they leave up to you.
It does make me super frustrated when it feels like MH and I are speaking a different language or are just not on the same page. I have totally tantrumed as well so don't feel bad about that, OP. My best advice is the same as PPs; give him some resources either a birthing class, tour of the maternity floor, or books/articles. The more he knows, the less helpless he may feel and the less likely he will lash out and get frustrated. Give yourselves some cooling off time and approach the topic later with cooler heads.
Seems like a lot of ladies have older husbands around here. I didn't know this was a thing. We have a 20 year gap. I am 35 and MH is 55.
I was looking at the hospital's website and it suggested to take a tour. When I clicked the tour link for more info it brought me to the virtual tour video. There was no mention of an actual tour. I guess I'll call and see if they do them. MH doesn't have time for birthing classes unfortunately. The classes are free which is nice but they all occur during MH's work hours and he is saving his days off for when baby arrives and for OB appointments. Hopefully my OB can have the same effect when talking about all of this stuff but I'm not too sure.
As the other resident kiwi I can reassure you that things here are actually (generally) better than the states as far as interventions etc go. Things like skin to skin, not bathing for a couple of days, delayed cord clamping, baby staying with mum are all normal here. I know that most hospitals avoid interventions as much as possible. With things like induction, they try prostoglandins before moving to pictocin etc, so take things more gently and slowly. I had a c-sect with my first, and VBAC is the norm, not the exception.
Also most hospitals and I'm sure all birthing centers are "Baby Friendly" which you can read about here: https://www.babyfriendly.org.nz/. The hospital I work at just recently went through certification and I tell you its not easy!
I would still ask the questions to ease your mind, and hope it all goes well!
Ps my hubby is older too, by 9 years but this is our first.
And just to add, even though I said something nice about him while everyone else was kinda ranting, I'd like to say that I still want to kill
him on most days lately
The only thing that she said that freaked me out was when she mentioned that 80% of her FTM patients go for the epidural because they can't deal even when they say they don't want it initially. I was in that boat but now I am frightened . . .
FYI, we're taking a natural child birth class and it seems to involve the men very much in being coaches/support to women during labor. I'm very thankful for this class and how it's helped my husband and I.
My sister spent a semester abroad in Melbourne and LOVED it so she is all set to move if Trump gets elected! I figured MH and I would probably relocate to the Great White North and my older sister will probably go to a Spanish speaking country since she is fluent and spent time in Madrid. My mom can come with us as our translator if we want to journey to a French speaking province since she is fluent in French. MH wants us to go to Italy, but while I would love to visit, not sure I could live there for 4-8 (GAHHHH!!) years.
I clearly have no faith in the people of the USA.
And @Kurrant , PLEASE don't even throw the idea of EIGHT years out there. OMFG I can't even bring myself to think about the potential 4. Shudder.
I cannot imagine life with him as president...what has this world come to!
Disclaimer: DH is not usually a bad guy. He's just really freaking clueless sometimes, and after almost 12 years together, it's not funny or cute anymore. Pregnancy has apparently taken away all of my patience.
Last night I wasn't feeling so great - I'd been out running errands during the day, and then I came home and folded some clothes and did some other minor tasks around the house. Eventually I stopped to take a break and eat something and watch some Netflix, and went to the fridge to pull out some of the Boston Market I had picked up earlier. DH, who had already finished off the plate that I'd brought home for him, sat by me and put his face next to mine because he was just dyyyyyyying for a bite of my mashed potatoes (which is never just one small bite - half the stuff would have been gone before I got my fork back). I said no, because I wasn't in the mood to share my food and he'd just had a whole plate of his own. Maybe afterwards if there was food leftover on my plate, but I really didn't feel like sharing right then and there. And besides, I really wanted those potatoes for myself.
Mostly I really just needed to be left the eff alone. He'd already spent most of the day being ornery just to annoy me (which he thinks is him being cute), and he just. kept. pushing.
I finally got up and took my plate and drink across the room, and he freaking followed me and continued, which just made me angrier. He kept laughing like it was funny. Finally, after the umpteenth time of me telling him to please leave me alone, I shoved the plate in his hands and told him to take it. I grabbed my drink and walked out and locked myself in the guest room and spent the rest of the night sobbing off and on because I was so frustrated. Normally this stuff wouldn't have bothered me so much (and I would have just let him have the damn potatoes), but I just have not been able to deal with his games throughout this pregnancy.
What's really making me mad is that when he's having bad days and just needs to watch Netflix or play video games and be left alone, I let him do exactly that. I minimize the amount of talking I need to do with him so that he can brood over whatever's bothering him until he's ready to come out of his shell again. I don't make jokes or try to tease him or make him share his food with me. But God forbid that I ever have days like that. He just has to keep pushing to try to make me laugh or whatever so that I'm in the same mood he is, and then when I finally snap and tell him off, he gets pissy with me.
I'm just so done with this behavior that it's not even funny.
We haven't picked the paint color yet (I have a general idea of what we want) bc he doesn't want to do it till the walls are fixed. The room needs new flooring installed, but he won't even order it until the walls are painted and the floor needs time to 'acclimate' before installed. I need to order a custom decal from etsy but I can't do it till we pick the paint color. On top of that, he doesn't seem to realize all of the furniture we're getting that he will need to put together... We're getting an ikea dresser that is unfinished and that also needs painted and putting together.
I brought it up again just a few mins ago and he of course said what he always does - 'It will get done in time. Don't worry'. Then of course when I brought up how much time we have left in the best case scenario he got all pissy and told me not to bring it up again or he would just wait till the last minute on purpose. Ugh. I'm literally going insane here.
i have put foot down and nursery will be started (yup, started!) next week. I will then be 33 weeks....
Feel like I have tried to be the relaxed pregnant wife but enough is enough!
he has been pretty good but I am hoping when baby comes that he changes his attitude a little. I have faith in the STMs that say their DH are crap at pregnancy but doting fathers...
This sounds like the sort of thing that, now that things are calmer, you can talk to him about. Just pointing out that sometimes you need your space, just like he needs his. Next time it happens, you can say, "Hey, remember that conversation we had where you agreed to give me space if I needed it?"
Yesterday I told MH I wasn't feeling very well at church. I was running around, helping with the sound system and recording equipment, gathering the props and visuals from Children's Message, preparing for Joyful Noises Children's Choir rehearsal, all after singing for the service. So as I was coming down from the balcony, I mentioned to MH that I felt a little dizzy and nauseated. He got this terrified look on his face, so I brushed it off and reassured him that I was fine, just tired. He relaxed a little, but I could tell he was still not super convinced. I had him go to my mother's house with my sister while I rehearsed with the kiddos for Easter and was feeling ok. At my mom's, I just kept a happy face, but was still not feeling 100%. I have been so insistent that I am feeling great, I think I might be a bit in denial of some normal pregnancy symptoms. Anyways, we headed out just at my son's naptime and MH was tired so I drove home while both boys slept. I then unloaded the car and put down the seat so we could get the bedframe and box spring for my son's big boy bed. I was pretty active and probably lifted more than I should have, but have been feeling so awesome and am so active, I didn't think much of it. When the guys woke up, we went inside for quick potty run and then went to BJ's. Again, lots of walking around and activity, but nothing I hadn't been doing up until this point. I felt winded a few times, but didn't make a fuss. We had some trouble getting everything to fit in the car, so I climbed in and heaved and pulled the box spring while MH pushed. I felt a little twinge, but NBD.
We got home and unloaded the stuff we bought and I was just getting my son ready to go out to dinner because I had no desire to cook. As I was getting him on the potty, I felt super dizzy and had to sit down on the floor. I did see little sparkles in front of my eyes and just rested my head back on the wall. Then, felt a super wave of nausea, crawled to the big toilet and threw up. MH heard me and called from the upstairs, "Are you ok?" Obviously, I couldn't answer because I was heaving so he ran downstairs and got our son all set, not looking at me or anything. He had this weird like glazed look and robotically asked if we needed to go to the hospital, but I waved him off so he grumbled about not going out to dinner and then took Renzo into the playroom to clean up. He was yelling at him to put the toys away and the poor little guy was so confused. I sprang up to try to diffuse the situation, but almost fell down and stumbled into the playroom and flopped on the couch. I calmly but sternly told MH that he needs to take a break and calm down and he stormed off while I was in the middle of my sentence. I couldn't sit up or stand without feeling super dizzy so I called my son over to me to give him hugs and reassure him that everything is ok. When MH came back in, he again refused to look at me and just started tossing papers and stuff around like he was tidying up, but it was just totally random. I tried to talk with him and he ignored me and too brightly asked our son if he wanted cereal for dinner. I piped up that they could still go out, but MH ignored me again and just led our son into the kitchen, banging far too many pots and dishes to just be pouring cereal. I asked if MH could please get me some water because I was starting to feel nauseated again and knew I couldn't get to the bathroom or the barrel and he wordlessly got me a cup and kind of slammed it down on the coffee table in front of me. I asked him what was wrong and he exploded "You never tell me what you need! What do you need?! I can't read your frickin mind! Anything I do is wrong anyways so I just have to wait until you tell me what you need but you never do!" I was dumbfounded and said that I just needed to rest for a second and I would be feeling fine again in no time. He burst out "Oh, yeah sure! In the meantime, what am I supposed to do? Do I call someone or leave you alone or sit on the couch with you? If I do, you know I will fall asleep and then you will get mad at me and who is going to get Renzo dinner? Have you thought about any of that?!"
I started to cry because I was so shocked, but also because I knew what was happening. He is so terrified that I am going to be sick again and I think has been holding his breath, just waiting for the other shoe to drop and just lost it. Poor Renzo was stuck in the middle and crawled on the couch crying and snuggling into me. It was horrible. I sat up, despite the dizziness, and just smiled and calmly reassured both boys that Mama is fine, just sleepy and maybe we should just have a little dinner in and watch a fun movie. My son perked up and ran to the DVD shelf and picked out a Curious George movie while MH huffed back into the kitchen and poured the cereal. He gruffly shouted if I wanted any and I said I was fine. I rested my head back on the arm rest and fell right to sleep. I didn't wake up until almost 4 hours later and the TV was still on, but the DVD was over and I could hear MH snoring loudly upstairs. I slowly got up and only felt a little dizzy and turned off the TV and all the lights, got a quick snack of graham crackers and Gatorade, and stumbled upstairs to just flop into bed. Next thing I know, it is 7:10am and MH gruffly barks that Renzo is all dressed and ready and he is leaving for work. I rushed to get us both out the door in time, was late dropping him off at school, and was late to work. I am still reeling and not feeling like myself, but I hope things just settle down and we can just forget about it by tonight. I have so much to do at work and will hopefully find a moment to take my BP because I am still having a headache and my vision is a little wonky. I can't be sick again, but if I am, I need to know MH is strong enough to handle it. I don't want to worry him or bring back painful memories for him, but I am scared too and, even though I hate to admit it, I need someone to take care of me.
PS- just took my BP and it is 128/74. Phew!
But now that I'm third trimester and freaking pooped by 11 am, I WANT SYMPATHY at a minimum and HELP would be fabulous. When I rant about how exhausted I am, or how I'm very excited for May to come to get my body back (and pee when I need to for real, not every 5 minutes because baby is tap dancing on my bladder!), all he can say is, "The baby will be worth it." YES I KNOW THAT. THAT'S WHY WE'RE PREGNANT. Offer to help, rub my back, make dinner, DO SOMETHING to make me feel like this is a team project and not a solo one. The other day, I fell going up the stairs and was complaining about how this day just hadn't started right (had been up all night with an emergency), he said, "Well if you're determined to have a bad day, you will." UGH. HUMOR YOUR PREGNANT WIFE FOR 15 SECONDS AND STOP BEING SO PRACTICAL ALL THE DAMN TIME.
UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.