Please Help...In-law drama

Diesel615 · March 2016

I apologize in advance I never thought I would ever have to be one of the people that would have problems/drama with my in-laws. However, here I am needing help on how to deal with this problem. I also apologize if this gets long, I'm really pissed off with this situation.

Most of you saw my post on Twatwaffle Tuesday and possibly on Facebook about my MIL asking to bring her husband (H's step-father I will call him Stan) right after the baby is born and staying at our house. I immediately told my H no and that he needs to tell his mom that he is not allowed to come and stay with us. It took some convincing, but H finally agreed it was not a good idea to have Stan come up with his Mom and was going to say something to his mom. Well, he sent his mom a message saying that because I will be breastfeeding that I don't feel comfortable with Stan coming and staying with us because I don't want to have to leave the room just to breastfeed and want to be able to whip my boob out whenever I want. I was happy he stood up for me and told his mom no. However, I just found out that he spoke with his mom on the phone earlier and she talked over him and wouldn't let him get a word in saying that Stan could just leave the room anytime I wanted to breastfeed and I shouldn't feel I should have to leave the room since it's my house. Obviously, she didn't catch the hint that we didn't want him coming. Now my H is wavering and scared to stand up to his mom and tell her absolutely no.

I know he loves his Mom and doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but he needs to put his wife and new baby first. I'm going to be selfish in this situation. I want to be comfortable in my own home and I want peace and quiet when I come home from the hospital. I don't want to entertain people. I know his mom will be helpful, and that's why I succumbed to that request of her staying with us, and because she has absolutely no money to stay in a hotel. However, I will not back down on Stan coming. The guy is a complete jerk that I can't stand when I'm not hormonal. I don't want to be hormonal and have to deal with this guy's BS when I'm supposed to be relaxing and bonding with my new baby and H. To make matters worse, on top of him being a jerk he's a chain smoker that smokes multiple packs of cigarettes a day, and I do not allow smoking inside or outside my house and I don't want him smelling like smoke on his breath and clothes and being near my baby.

I told my H that if she keeps insisting that I will step in and tell her next weekend when she comes up for the baby shower that she's no longer welcome to stay in my house after the baby is born if she wants to bring Stan then they can stay in a hotel and come for an hour at a time like we're allowing other people to do after we've been home from the hospital for a week or so. I'm usually a people pleaser and bend over backwards for everyone, but I'm going to be a b!tch about this. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my MIL, but my family comes first. I've also considered writing her an email explaining this because I tend to break down and cry when I stand up for myself to people. I just don't know exactly how to say it without being a complete B and ruining what we have of a relationship, but I also don't want to be wishy-washy since she didn't catch the hint when H said no once because I want to breastfeed.

Thank you for those have read this whole rant! I'm really on fire about this and don't want to say or do something I'll regret.

kwife15 · March 2016

One thing to consider--it will be better for your relationship with MIL in the long run if you stand up for yourself. With that long-term perspective, hopefully that will make you feel better about standing up for yourself early on.

I'm sorry you have to deal with the situation. You really don't need that kind of stress right after the baby comes.

Diesel615 · March 2016

What should I say though without coming off as a B? I thought explaining that I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding with him in the house was a good excuse....but obviously it didn't work. I can't say your H is an ass that I can't stand to be around......

NicknShan · March 2016

Your response to your MIL...

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/aD0KI2RTM9Bm0/giphy.gif

Sorry you are dealing with a twat. Hugs.

kwife15 · March 2016

Just keep repeating that you don't feel comfortable. That's good enough reason. You don't owe them a detailed apology about why it's weird to have another man around while learning to breasfeed. I'm also hearing that it's hard to conceal when the milk is coming in and that one is very uncomfortable (no personal experience since I'm a FTM).

NicknShan · March 2016

I think the smoking is a huge factor. HUGE. And I think you being comfortable in your own home is the biggest.

Do you have the room to easily accommodate them? If not, that could be another excuse.

Diesel615 · March 2016

My work computer has GIF's blocked so I can't see your GIF @NicknShan =( We have a 4 bedroom house, but it's not huge. The living room/dining room and kitchen are all kinda crammed together in an open floor plan. I know the smoking is the main reason I don't want him to come, and my H said that, but she insisted he won't smoke too close to the house (I call bull cause he's lazy as sh!t). However, that still leaves the smoke smell on his clothes and breath.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

Ugh. You could say something like, "I'm so glad you'd like to come help out after baby is born, but our priority has to be our new family first. I'm sorry, but having Stan here will add stress to what should be an intimate family bonding time, and (if you want to add this in), I'm concerned about the smoke with a new baby. As I'm sure you realize, secondhand smoke is so dangerous for a newborn, and having that constantly around will be stressful, in addition to wanting to have a successful breastfeeding relationship. If you're not comfortable with this, you're certainly more than welcome to stay in a hotel and come over at scheduled times/when we let you know. Thank you for understanding how important this time is for us!"

Palisson · March 2016

I wish I had stood up for myself when our first son was born. Now, 19 months later things are so uncomfortable and MIL is so emotionally hurt because of the animosity between her and I (and now her son, on my behalf.)

If I had only been firm and made my wishes crystal clear, she wouldn't have kept on doing as she pleased and I wouldn't have finally told her off (just last month.) Now she's moving out, no longer taking care of her toddler grandson and not welcome to take care of her soon-to-be grandson. I can't wait to have space from her and I am sure she feels similarly. But she is clearly hurt and boy was I hurting for about 18 months. I should have made that space early on, for all of our well-being.

HBamama2B · March 2016

I'm sorry, this sucks. The problem with polite excuses is that, while they offer people an out, the people you're most likely to use them on won't get the hint.

I would say be direct and say that 'due to a number of factors (don't specify what) you aren't comfortable having the additional pressure of Stan as a guest after the baby comes. You understand the pressure this puts on MIL, but are hoping she will still be willing to come alone. If not, you'd be happy to see them during the day if they stay at a nearby hotel.' Tell H what you're going to say, but in the end it should come from you if he can't firmly convey the message. Email is ok, if absolutely necessary, but if you can write down a script and stick to it, it will be better to give her a call and the opportunity to respond. (That way you can also firmly reiterate your position multiple times if needed.)

Also- I couldn't read your post without hearing 'From Stan, your #1 fan' 'cause that's the only Stan I've heard of, coincidentally also an ass.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

Also, here's a link to the innumerable dangers of secondhand smoke, even coming off clothes/skin/hair, and I doubt he'll be showering and brushing his teeth after every smoke break: https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/secondhand_smoke/health_effects/

Diesel615 · March 2016

@MamaNicoleof3 I just saw the word SIDS and teared up and had to close it lol. That's why smoking makes me so mad. My brother vapes and his gf smokes and I don't want them around my baby either....that will be whole other problem I'll be having to face down the road. Especially since my brother vapes around his own daughters seeing it as no big deal, but no one really knows yet the harm of vaping. So I don't want to risk it. No offense to anyone, but I think smoking is the dumbest thing on earth and I don't get it.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

Diesel615 said:

@MamaNicoleof3 I just saw the word SIDS and teared up and had to close it lol. That's why smoking makes me so mad. My brother vapes and his gf smokes and I don't want them around my baby either....that will be whole other problem I'll be having to face down the road. Especially since my brother vapes around his own daughters seeing it as no big deal, but no one really knows yet the harm of vaping. So I don't want to risk it. No offense to anyone, but I think smoking is the dumbest thing on earth and I don't get it.

Right there with you. I have crappy lungs anyway (had croup at 11 months and it went downhill from there, bronchitis and pneumonia multiple times), so why anyone would choose to do this to themselves is completely beyond me. I don't get it. At all.

meggyme · March 2016

If you're not allowing anyone else to stay with you/visit for 1 hour at a time, maybe just extend that to include your MIL too. That way you can say it's what you want from everyone, no exceptions. You wouldn't have to tell her it's because her H is a creep.

crdo · March 2016

Diesel615 said:

@MamaNicoleof3 I just saw the word SIDS and teared up and had to close it lol. That's why smoking makes me so mad. My brother vapes and his gf smokes and I don't want them around my baby either....that will be whole other problem I'll be having to face down the road. Especially since my brother vapes around his own daughters seeing it as no big deal, but no one really knows yet the harm of vaping. So I don't want to risk it. No offense to anyone, but I think smoking is the dumbest thing on earth and I don't get it.

-------stuck!-----

100% agree.

I don't have anything else to add, but just agree with PPs that you're right to set and stick to your boundaries, and no particular explanation beyond "I'm not comfortable" is necessary.

Diesel615 · March 2016

@meggyme I would, but she's from FL (we're in MD) and would have to stay in a hotel, which she has no money to do. She's barely making ends meet. That's the only reason I'm allowing her to come up, but I explained to my H it will be 3 days after we get home from the hospital so we can get some type of "routine" by ourselves. H is her only son and this is her first grand child so she's super excited.

goldie987 · March 2016

I'm going to jump in to say push the smoking thing HARD. We think my brother either vapes or smokes (he denies both but always reeks of smoke, he claims its his girlfriend who does it, not him) and I've already make it clear to him that neither of them are coming near my baby if they smell like cigarette smoke and IDGAF if they're upset about it. Even the smoke on your clothes can get into the fragile lungs in an infant and I'm not willing to put my baby at risk of lung issues if it can be prevented, especially since H and all of his brothers have asthma so my daughter may have some sort of genetic predisposition towards it.

As for the breastfeeding thing, definitely reiterate that you aren't comfortable having him there while establishing that relationship, but personally, I think the smoking thing is a much bigger issue.

mkemommy · March 2016

I think the advice you've been given is great so far. Please stick to your guns. You will really look back on this time with your child and resent your MIL and her "Stan" if you let them walk all over you. I would keep it simple "MIL you are welcome to come but I cannot accommodate Stan while breastfeeding and while he continues to smoke (outside the house or not). I don't want the smell of smoke in my house at all or around my baby and I won't be comfortable with another man in the house other than H while I'm breastfeeding, family or not." if she interjects with "but...." or "Stan will just...." I would interrupt and say "That isn't going to work for us" and stare at her. If she asks why just repeat the above.

SoEnamored · March 2016

MamaNicoleof3 said:

Ugh. You could say something like, "I'm so glad you'd like to come help out after baby is born, but our priority has to be our new family first. I'm sorry, but having Stan here will add stress to what should be an intimate family bonding time, and (if you want to add this in), I'm concerned about the smoke with a new baby. As I'm sure you realize, secondhand smoke is so dangerous for a newborn, and having that constantly around will be stressful, in addition to wanting to have a successful breastfeeding relationship. If you're not comfortable with this, you're certainly more than welcome to stay in a hotel and come over at scheduled times/when we let you know. Thank you for understanding how important this time is for us!"

This. But don't give her more explanation than you have to because it just gives her things to rebut or concerns of yours to minimize..

HBamama2B · March 2016

MamaNicoleof3 said:

Also, here's a link to the innumerable dangers of secondhand smoke, even coming off clothes/skin/hair, and I doubt he'll be showering and brushing his teeth after every smoke break: https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/secondhand_smoke/health_effects/

Thank you!! I wanted to mention this but couldn't think of where I'd seen it!!

MsBeachNJ · March 2016

I think previous posters have given you the exact tools you need to stand your ground here. I'm sorry you have to go through this I'm sure its added stress that you just don't need right now, but best to get it out of the way now instead of letting them trample your needs/comfort level after the baby comes and your home becomes a place you are uncomfortable in with a newborn. Hugs to you, keep us updated!!

chiiandhideki · March 2016

I agree with all PP. Here is what I would do. Stick up for myself. Having a new baby is not the time to have a crazy mil and her creepy H around. It's your house and your H should stand up for you. He is your husband first, and his mom's son second. Stand your ground! They don't need to come over when you are trying to learn new mom skills like BF. Also, the fact that they don't have money for a hotel is not your problem. It's theirs. Please don't let them come to your house just to make them happy if that is not what you want. Set those boundaries and keep them in place! I hope it gets easier for you.

catherinekate · March 2016

You've been given really great advice and I can't really add to any of it but I wanted to send my sympathies. My dad is a complete POS and to say that we have a strained relationship would be a significant understatement. But, I'm an only child and my dad is estranged from his family and Catholic guilt runs deep so he maintains a steady presence in my life. He's a chainsmoker and I am worried that I won't be able to tell him "no". He doesn't smoke in our house, but that hardly matters since he reeks of it. Since I grew up with him chainsmoking (inside! shudder), his response is that I turned out fine and he gets furious when I bring it up.

Basically, I'm saying that because this is an issue that I'm negotiating that I completely get how hard it is to set boundaries with family members and that fear of saying or doing something you might regret.

Hugs and sympathy, whatever route you decide to take. This is such unnecessary stress for you and I'm sorry that your husband isn't advocating better for you. This isn't a conversation you should have to have with your MIL or Stan, and I'm sad for you that they've put you in this position.

lac1252 · March 2016

As hard as it is, I think you need to be direct with her on this. You have reasons why you don't want him there like the smoking and wanting to breastfeed freely, but those are all things she can argue and come up with answers to like he will leave the room or he won't smoke at all. But there's no way she can guarantee it. You're clearly uncomfortable having him stay with you so that has to be your reasoning and it's one she can't argue with. I know it's so hard telling the people we love things like this but if you don't do it now it will only continue to be a problem. If you've always been uncomfortable around him, it's surprising to me that it's something she isn't already somewhat aware of. And if she's not, and he's someone who will be in her life (thus yours) long term you don't want to have to keep putting up with him for your family's sake.

CourtJack · March 2016

Agree with everyone here. I would simply tell your hubby that this is completely non-negotiable. The smoking alone should stand as a legitimate reason. Add in the breastfeeding and the fact that you simply don't like the step-father - it's a done deal. This is not the time for you to worry about hurting feelings. They should be the ones thinking in a more considerate manner. Put the onus on them to be respectful. Don't feel guilty for asserting what's best for your family. :-)

Disneygeek77 · March 2016

" MIL, only you are allowed to stay with us after the baby is born. End of discussion. If you continue to bring it up, I will have no choice but to hang up on you / ask you to leave / leave your home. Do you understand ?"

This little phrase " Mom / MIL, whomever .........., end of discussion. If you continue to bring it up I will hang up / leave " will help you in many aspects of your life. Learn it, memorize and repeat as necessary. Parents giving you a hard time because you won't be coming to their house on Christmas morning anymore ? Use this phrase. In-Laws mad that you are spending your vacation time going somewhere other than their hometown ? Use this phrase. USE THIS PHRASE.

Trust me, do not give your reasons as to why you don't want Stan in your home. This will only give your MIL the impression that this is up for discussion and the she can change your mind or " solve your problem." Don't waste your time explaining as she will shoot down every reason you give her anyways. Be clear, be direct and be firm.

Can I also just say good for you. Good for you. Many first time moms don't really understand how miserable you can be when you are recovering from giving birth and have bad houseguests. I have been on the Bump for a long time and one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again is from mom's who didn't put themselves first and were therefore treated like crap. All because they didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So instead of having wonderful, precious memories of their babies first few weeks, they remember being absolutely miserable. So again, good for you for standing up for yourself and your child. Your MIL won't like it ( she may even cry or threaten to not visit ) but she will eventually have to get over it.

Diesel615 · March 2016

Thank you ladies! H is wanting to wait until he sees his mom in person next weekend so we can both talk to her. So now I have to be agitated and anxious for the next 10 days. Ugh. I love how he loves his mom, but come on grow balls!

Boonhilde · March 2016

I think honesty is your best bet. My SIL (brother's wife) is ALWAYS coming up with "reasons" they're not allowing something or going to an event but ALL OF US know the REAL reason and usually the real reason is less offensive. So I think your H should tell his mom everything you told us. (Maybe instead of him telling her "Stan's a jerk," he could say, "Stsn makes my wife uncomfortable because sometimes he's sharp." Or whatever. Let us know how it goes!

Diesel615 · March 2016

So after a sleepless night of tossing and turning and being anxious I decided I can't wait a week for her to come up and talk in person like H wants. I've decided I'm going to email her (I'm not good asserting myself on the phone). This is what I plan on writing in the email.
Hey (MIL), (H) told me he spoke with you on the phone yesterday and you all discussed "Stan" coming up with you after the baby is born. I am fine with you coming up after he is born, but I don't feel comfortable having "Stan" stay with us when we come home from the hospital. There will be a lot of adjustments and everything will be overwhelming for us, and having an extra person in the house is going to make it even more overwhelming for us. We really want to work on getting a routine and settling down being able to bond as our little family unit. I understand "Stan" is excited about meeting the baby. If you all would like to stay in a hotel and come visit for an hour or so like we're allowing other people to do, that's fine, but I just feel too overwhelmed having too many people staying at our house right after getting home from the hospital.

WinniethePoohsPants · March 2016

Diesel615 said:

So after a sleepless night of tossing and turning and being anxious I decided I can't wait a week for her to come up and talk in person like H wants. I've decided I'm going to email her (I'm not good asserting myself on the phone). This is what I plan on writing in the email.
Hey (MIL), (H) told me he spoke with you on the phone yesterday and you all discussed "Stan" coming up with you after the baby is born. I am fine with you coming up after he is born, but I don't feel comfortable having "Stan" stay with us when we come home from the hospital. There will be a lot of adjustments and everything will be overwhelming for us, and having an extra person in the house is going to make it even more overwhelming for us. We really want to work on getting a routine and settling down being able to bond as our little family unit. I understand "Stan" is excited about meeting the baby. If you all would like to stay in a hotel and come visit for an hour or so like we're allowing other people to do, that's fine, but I just feel too overwhelmed having too many people staying at our house right after getting home from the hospital.

Perfect! SEND IT

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

^ that. And if she continues to push, say it's not open for discussion and leave it at that.

lolonvive · March 2016

@Diesel615
I think the problem is that you think you need an excuse! An excuse is easy to negotiate and make excuses around. So the breastfeeding 'excuse' gives your MIL room to 1-think it's only about that and nothing to do with this guy. and 2- room to negotiate and say things like, no prob, he'll step out. It doesn't address the core issue, which is that no matter what you want some quiet and bonding time with your baby and have a strict no guests policy for the first couple weeks as you become a family. The email is great. Good luck!

tjenkins528 · March 2016

Good luck! I think your email is perfect. Let us know what she says!

Rosehip15 · March 2016

I agree with others that making up excuses is ultimately just more anxiety provoking & messy.

In situations like this, I leave it at "Sorry, but it's just too much for me/us right now." Don't go into details & discussion.

alysemci · March 2016

I think that sounds great

mamalindsayof3 · March 2016

I think the email is pretty clear, however I'd make sure to run it by your H. It's still his Mother. He needs to remain in the loop on this one.

chiiandhideki · March 2016

And if she gets offended, don't worry about it. She'll get happy again. Sounds like a great email to me. I would run it by H though, just so he knows what's going on and y'all can present a united front.

starkeyclan · March 2016

Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that stress and I'm so hoping she's respectful of your right to dictate who is and isn't welcome and for how long they are. Thinking of you!

Diesel615 · March 2016

My H talked to her on the phone last night and before getting off the phone asked if she got the email I sent. She stated she hadn't checked her email in several days and asked what it was about. So he was all wishy washy with her again saying I didn't want her husband there cause of smoking and stuff. So she said we could talk about it in person. I'm assuming she's read it by now since he told her to, but we haven't heard anything. I'm so frustrated with H! He keeps leaving it open for her to come up with solutions. He should have just said to read the email and left it at that! Ugh!

starkeyclan · March 2016

@Diesel615 - I'm sorry H won't be more assertive! My H is just as passive aggressive and it can be so frustrating! I hope this is able to be done and over with ASAP so you can move on from being stressed about this!

Disneygeek77 · March 2016

Man, I'm sorry. It does seem that she in under the impression that she has an equal say in the matter. If you don't hear from her before you see her this weekend, I would go in prepared for lots of crying and threats to not come if her husband can't come too. Hopefully, that won't be the case, but it doesn't hurt to mentally prepare for that outcome. Also wouldn't hurt to prepare your husband as well so he doesn't cave when he sees his mom crying. Have a response just in case she tries to argue that you shouldn't be overwhelmed with another person at your home. Be firm and good luck.

Also, if it comes down to it, it might not hurt to check out hotel prices on hotwire. You never know. Maybe they can find something at a reasonable price.

Want a personalized experience?

Please Help...In-law drama

Re: Please Help...In-law drama

Choose Another Board

Search Boards