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December 2015 Moms
momotheflyinglemur
member
My mom wants to see the baby... but currently we aren't talking...
momotheflyinglemur
member
My mother and I are in a fight.
Well, sort of. I didn't want to fight with her, I wanted to have a rational, adult conversation about how her romantic relationships affect her young, impressionable children (my brothers and sisters). However, my opinions were discarded and she walked out of the discussion before we could get into the meaty parts. Since then, she has deflected blaming my aunt for "putting thoughts in my head" or "turning (me) against (her)". She believes that I am attacking her and that I should be silent and support her even when I think she is wrong.
Finally, in an attempt to end the barrage of angry text messages, I told her that when she was ready to finish the discussion in person we could speak, but until then, there was no reason for us to be in contact. This afternoon, she texts me asking if she can take my son out next Monday because she has off work. She knows from Facebook that my MIL is often dropping by our house and taking Odie for outings and has even had him overnight once. Because of this I know, saying no will cause another wave of animosity....
I feel that as long as she and I are not on the same page and she refuses to talk through this issue like an adult, then she doesn't deserve access to my son, especially not without me present. My hubby is a great sounding board for these things, but he is done helping me make the final decision on it. I guess I need a little validation.
The short version of the reasons we are in a fight is that in the five years she and my father have been divorced, she has had 3 boyfriends. The last two made themselves a big part of my siblings lives (going to sporting events, buying birthday and Christmas presents) but then things turn sour and they break up, which leads to these men very abruptly leaving these kids lives. Now she is with this third guy and she made it clear that she would not introduce him to the family until he was ready to commit to her, but "things changed". She brought him to meet my siblings for the first time DURING my grandmother's birthday dinner, which she had not even REALLY invited my little family or her sister to attend.
ugh, i dont need this right now!
Well, sort of. I didn't want to fight with her, I wanted to have a rational, adult conversation about how her romantic relationships affect her young, impressionable children (my brothers and sisters). However, my opinions were discarded and she walked out of the discussion before we could get into the meaty parts. Since then, she has deflected blaming my aunt for "putting thoughts in my head" or "turning (me) against (her)". She believes that I am attacking her and that I should be silent and support her even when I think she is wrong.
Finally, in an attempt to end the barrage of angry text messages, I told her that when she was ready to finish the discussion in person we could speak, but until then, there was no reason for us to be in contact. This afternoon, she texts me asking if she can take my son out next Monday because she has off work. She knows from Facebook that my MIL is often dropping by our house and taking Odie for outings and has even had him overnight once. Because of this I know, saying no will cause another wave of animosity....
I feel that as long as she and I are not on the same page and she refuses to talk through this issue like an adult, then she doesn't deserve access to my son, especially not without me present. My hubby is a great sounding board for these things, but he is done helping me make the final decision on it. I guess I need a little validation.
The short version of the reasons we are in a fight is that in the five years she and my father have been divorced, she has had 3 boyfriends. The last two made themselves a big part of my siblings lives (going to sporting events, buying birthday and Christmas presents) but then things turn sour and they break up, which leads to these men very abruptly leaving these kids lives. Now she is with this third guy and she made it clear that she would not introduce him to the family until he was ready to commit to her, but "things changed". She brought him to meet my siblings for the first time DURING my grandmother's birthday dinner, which she had not even REALLY invited my little family or her sister to attend.
ugh, i dont need this right now!
Re: My mom wants to see the baby... but currently we aren't talking...
Also, TBH, 3 boyfriends in 5 years doesn't sound excessive or anything. How can you truly know if you want to be with someone really long term if you keep a large chunk of your life away from them?
Do you have concerns about your child's safety or well-being with your mom, or are you just trying to give "tough love?"
Not necessarily defending her, just offering some 3rd party perspective.
You've made your conditions and better or worse need to stick to them.
Honestly, I don't see 3 men in 5 years as excessive either and how she handles it can make a big difference. BUT it sounds like a lot of it is that it causes stress you can't deal with and if that's the case, let that be the focus. You can talk to her about it when things calm down and once that happens you can explore her relationship with your son. This is just my opinion based on what I've read here.
So maybe the best thing would be for OP to try reaching out and talking. It's what I did with my father and part of why we were able to mend things.
It has been nearly a week now and we have not spoken. This is not even that long for us and it has taken alot of pressure off of me to know that the ball is in her court.
Though I did have to tell my aunt(who watches Odie during the day) that my mom (her sister) is not allowed inside our house if she were to show up while my husband and I are at work, since she mentioned possibly wanting to drop by the house sometime this week before we went temporary no contact.
my father has borderline personality disorder & we didn't speak for years. He doesn't see it as a problem & chooses to not get treatment. After my son was born I did rekindle a relationship with him but it is purely superficial for my sons benefit. He does not watch my kids, he is never alone with them & we do not have a father-daughter relationship really. It's too bad but it is what it is. He sees the kids like 2x a month & it works better this way.
My mother on the other hand, may end up similar to your father's. I mean before he was here we only saw each other every few months for a dinner where she'd jabber on about her life for 45 mins and we'd leave without one question about what was going on in my life. I am sure that will be the same with Odie. Only she'll ask one question then go on a tangent in which she is delused to believe that she is offering me some kind of insight.
At this point I am already over it. Odie is extremely well loved by his other grandparents and I have enough support around me that the dwindle of our relationship won't make a huge difference to my life. It's just kind of a bummer.