Anxiety over first grandparent visits

HarrytheHorse · March 2016

Hi all,
Apologies if there's already a thread out there that pertains to this. Both sets of (grand)parents live out of town, and I'm dreading the scheduling of, discussion about and actual usefulness of first visits from the grandparents (after the baby comes home from the hospital).

First of all, hubby and I would like to spend the first few days at home with baby alone -- just the 3 of us. We've yet to break it to our parents; is there a polite way to say, "We need our space for the first 3-5 days?"

Second, my MIL has been way more involved with my pregnancy than my mother. She's hosting a shower for me (my mom isn't coming) and she checks in every week on how I'm feeling and how the baby is doing. My mom has shown little to no interest in any of this. So, we'd like to invite my MIL to visit first, but I'm unsure how to politely tell my mom.

Finally -- and this is my biggest concern -- are the first grandparent visits after the baby is born actually helpful? I've had friends say yes, you need someone to help you.
But, currently, every time both sides of the family visit, hubby and I always feel like we're running a hotel. We cook and clean up after every meal, we plan the day's agenda and we chauffeur everyone around. I CANNOT be doing that with a 3-day old infant. I realize grandma and grandpa are visiting to see, hold, feed and coo at the baby -- but I also want someone who's willing to help pitch in with cooking/cleaning duties to get us through what I've heard is a pretty tiring time. Any tips???

rkrichey · March 2016

This will be my third baby. When my first was born, I didn't put my foot down enough about what was best for our new family and it has always left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not generally a "selfish" person. I would rather please others and be unhappy myself. But I have to tell you that this is definitely the one time you need to worry about what's best for the three of you. If you offend someone else in that process then it's not your fault. People, especially parents, should be understanding of the fact that this is a stressful time. You're adjusting to a new normal. I would just say flat out that you are willing to have guests after day 3 home from the hospital. Or whenever works for you. No excuses or reasons need to be given. And maybe to not offend your mom about your mil coming first you could just say she has something going on in her schedule that makes coming a week later it whenever difficult. This time is all about you, your husband and your little one becoming a family.

colesmom33 · March 2016

My IL's have little boundaries and make me super anxious. When my DS was born, they insisted on bringing dinner over the day after coming home from the hospital. At first I thought this was so nice but they ended up staying for hours, making a huge mess, and taking all the leftovers home with them. My son was so overstimulated, he just cried and cried. It was the least helpful thing!

This time we're telling family we want a week to figure out our new normal before people visit. I learned with my DS that you have to set the boundaries that are best for your family, in the nicest way possible, and if family can't understand that, that's on them. People keep telling me that with twins I'll need family to help but in all honesty that would just cause more stress for me.

Tawny87 · March 2016

Personally if anyone wants to come visit you from out of town I would tell them that they need to stay in a hotel. My hubby's parents and mine are both in town but definitely gave us our space when we brought our girls home. They were 3 weeks old and 36 weeks gestation when they came home so they slept virtually all day which helped me get used to my new norm. I think if I would have had people in and out of my house it would have driven me absolutely crazy and I knew if I actually needed help my mom was only a phone call away, she is very helpful and not one to over stay. Taking the first days yourself is definitely a great idea and will help you figure out what you actually want/ need from visitors.

lm45678 · March 2016

Don't worry about being polite.

Say you want 3-4 days to adjust as a new family of 3. That's completely reasonable! I've already said this to both of our families and I honestly can care less if people think I'm selfish or being a bitch.

In terms of hurting your mom's feelings, that's tough. However, if your MIL is the one you have a good relationship with I think it's totally reasonable to ask her to stay first.

HBamama2B · March 2016

Everything said by pp is pretty spot on. Dittk on not having overnight guests if you don't know in advance that they will be helpful. Be clear, polite, up front and firm about what you want in advance and don't waiver other than that- you can't control how they are feeling.

Jgar2u2 · March 2016

The first visits CAN be helpful (although I've never had anyone stay the night or anything). My parents helped by bringing food, doing laundry/dishes, etc. without being asked to do so. My in-laws on the other hand did nothing to help. They just wanted to come hold the baby. It was not a good experience because they basically took baby while she was crying and didn't give her back until I was in tears. I was 25 at the time and wasn't as vocal as I should have been. If that were to happen now I would just go up and take the baby from them. They assumed they knew best and could calm her since they had had a baby in the past. I think this is why I dont fully trust them with my kids still. Just put a bad taste in my mouth... My mom lives next door but doesn't visit unless she knows it's a good time. With my ILs DH will tell them when they can come over. They live an hour away.

Disneygeek77 · March 2016

If they haven't been helpful in the past I doubt they would be now. Ask fr them to stay at a hotel. They might not like it but oh well. This is one of those times when it is ok to put yourself first.

TheHauntedHauswife · March 2016

I just wanted to say that im worried about the same things. I am going to lose my mind if 10 people show up at my house and expect to be catered to or stay for hours. DH is going to be slightly hard to convince of this. But i have some servere abandonment and attachement issues with my own parents and the absolute last way my baby is spending her first few days of life is in someone elses arms screaming her head off.

colesmom33 · March 2016

Jgar2u2 said:

The first visits CAN be helpful (although I've never had anyone stay the night or anything). My parents helped by bringing food, doing laundry/dishes, etc. without being asked to do so. My in-laws on the other hand did nothing to help. They just wanted to come hold the baby. It was not a good experience because they basically took baby while she was crying and didn't give her back until I was in tears. I was 25 at the time and wasn't as vocal as I should have been. If that were to happen now I would just go up and take the baby from them. They assumed they knew best and could calm her since they had had a baby in the past. I think this is why I dont fully trust them with my kids still. Just put a bad taste in my mouth... My mom lives next door but doesn't visit unless she knows it's a good time. With my ILs DH will tell them when they can come over. They live an hour away.

Mine did the same thing with my DS!! They would just let him cry and cry! I tried to take him and my MIL just said "Oh, he's fine." I finally just took him from her.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

jaceyannie said:

Jgar2u2 said:

The first visits CAN be helpful (although I've never had anyone stay the night or anything). My parents helped by bringing food, doing laundry/dishes, etc. without being asked to do so. My in-laws on the other hand did nothing to help. They just wanted to come hold the baby. It was not a good experience because they basically took baby while she was crying and didn't give her back until I was in tears. I was 25 at the time and wasn't as vocal as I should have been. If that were to happen now I would just go up and take the baby from them. They assumed they knew best and could calm her since they had had a baby in the past. I think this is why I dont fully trust them with my kids still. Just put a bad taste in my mouth... My mom lives next door but doesn't visit unless she knows it's a good time. With my ILs DH will tell them when they can come over. They live an hour away.

Mine did the same thing with my DS!! They would just let him cry and cry! I tried to take him and my MIL just said "Oh, he's fine." I finally just took him from her.

Oh man, this breaks my heart. I get the cuddly newborn stage, but people so often forget that your baby has been with you his/her entire life and the separation is SO STINKING HARD for both baby and mama

SoEnamored · March 2016

If they don't give you the freedom to call the shots, and if you are not assertive enough to call your own shots regardless of their feelings, you're going to suffer in silence. In that case, they for sure need to stay in a hotel. If they haven't been helpful in the past they are just going to drive you insane when baby comes and they're taking your bonding time with baby while you are doing dishes. Nope. They can stay in a hotel, come to town at the same time even, and can have scheduled visits and hopefully be cool with being on call if you need extra help. You get to be selfish on this and do what's best for your new little family. The extra help is great if it is truly helpful and at your discretion. But having the space to bond with baby and figure things out on your own is important too. Also, if DH is taking a short paternity leave, it'd be good for him to have the time with just you and baby, without parents around.

Edit: Realizing I did not respond to the question of how to tell them nicely that they have to stay in a hotel. I'd just give it to them straight. If you feel like you have to explain, just say that you need your home space to feel completely your own while you and your little trio adjust to a new life - whether it's dealing with hormones, breastfeeding, sleep issues, not caring if the house is clean, body issues and wearing a giant pad and mesh undies and needing to feel ok with that. Also, with 2 sets of grandparents, the back to back visits will feel a bit too much and out of fairness ti's better to just ask both to stay in a hotel. They may be disappointed but they should get over it. If they don't, oh well, you are doing what you need to do and if they were reasonable they'd respect that. Mama bear!

Knottie1447115665 · March 2016

Perhaps a preemptive talk with the family is in order. If you feel you might be too hormonal to keep it on an even keel, maybe it's best for your husband to take the lead here. You know, let him play up that protective instincts thing. Just let them know what your desires are, and let them know that you would love to have them over, but you are not going to be playing the Hostess role. You will be playing the New Mommy role, and everyone one will be chipping in during their stay. I'm very blessed in that I've never had to deal with this type of situation, my in laws are a dream, so are my parents and family. I've only ever had one little hiccup with my youngest son (I'm currently expecting baby #4), my BIL's wife came over with her 3 sons the day we came home from the hospital and stayed for almost 4 hours. Oy! But we've since had a falling out with her, so I doubt that will be a problem this time around. Lol! All that to say over communication is key here. Your family loves you, and I think once you let them know how they can best help you, they'll be more than happy to. No worries mama!

Bee112309 · March 2016

I also agree that it is important to lay down the law in this particular set of circumstances. The days following having a baby are not easy. You want to just sit there and stare at this tiny miracle that you made for hours. Said tiny miracle also needs to be fed and changed, often, and those are things that you'll still be adjusting to. In addition to that, your breasts will be leaking and more than likely sore. Your vagina will be bleeding and more than likely sore. You're going to be exhausted from having fed and changed him or her every 2 hours all night long. It's wonderful, but it's also exhausting and overwhelming.

If you have houseguests who are staying for long periods of time and/or not helping, but expecting to sit on your couch and hold your baby while you do dishes and prepare lunch for everyone, then a) it's not good for you; tou need to be resting and recuperating, and b) it is going to make you miserable and resentful. DH and I set down rules with baby #1 and have stuck with them (this is baby #3). We are more than willing to have people come over, but for short periods of time, and they are expected to pitch in. That can mean bringing a meal, changing a diaper, watching the kids for a little bit so I can nap and/or shower, whatever. I'm not picky. I will absolutely not be running around playing hostess while I am adjusting from having just birthed a baby, though.

nightwitch · March 2016

My brother, who lives across the country in New Orleans, wants to come up and see his new nephew right after he's born. I straight out said he couldn't stay with me, which he usually does since I took in our parents last year and he wants to visit with them as well.

Which is a whole other added wrinkle for me. Both my parents, despite Alzehiemers in my step-dad and memory issues/30 year old brain damage with my mom due to a nearly successful post partum psychosis induced suicide attempt, are highly functional. Thank God I'm not changing their diapers! But that means they are stubborn and DO NOT listen to me sometimes/ask for help when they need it. It's like having elderly teenagers I can't yell at to behave. And lately there's been some boundary issues with my mom, so I'm DREADING that PP confrontation.

My brother claims he'll just stay at my sister's. Who lives in a small 3 bedroom ranch with her 5 year old son and 4 year old twins and no guest room. I'm sure she'd be thrilled. Not. All I know is that he can't stay here!

TheHauntedHauswife · March 2016

I also wanted to add. In reference to the issue about the moms coming first. One of the moms HAS to come first. You cannot avoid that someone is coming first and someone is coming second. Just because you are the one having the baby, DH's family has the same equal right to be first as your parents would. Though being that I could see my own mother getting mad about this too. I think its something you simply have to let be. If one or both of them is getting upset about the order in which they visit, it is SO much about them and SO not about you. You cant have two first visits, its just reality, and for every argument your mother has, your MIL can say the exact same. I wouldn't even get into excuses and reasoning for why shes coming first. I would simply ignore that as a fact and if your mother brings it up, just end the conversation, or say something to the effect of, ''im sorry your feeling that way'', and don't engage any further. People can only argue with a wall for so long.

jbailey213 · March 2016

With my first baby, I learned the hard way that you need to speak up and tell people what you are thinking/feeling in a direct way. Our visitors started coming hours after I delivered (after a very traumatic delivery that ended with me needing surgery to stop the bleeding and my son in the NICU) and we were too exhausted and dazed to turn them away. We were in the NICU every 2 hours for feedings, and between those times we wanted to get some sleep, recoup, eat...really anything but entertain visitors.

Once we got home, it didn't get better. People told me when they were coming over and I didn't speak up and say it wasn't a good time. My MIL, SIL and get 2 kids visited 2 weeks after my son was born, and they did absolutely nothing to help out. They wanted to hold baby but nothing else. They expected us to go out to eat with them as well....with a newborn and me stitched together and in pain. So, not a great situation. They offered to help with the baby at night so we could rest, and that didn't happen once. They 'didn't hear the baby'. Also, my SIL walked in on me when I was completely topless, trying to nurse a screaming baby who hadn't quite learned how to latch yet. All in all....I won't be doing that again.

Husband and I have agreed that we want at least a week to figure things out once baby #2 gets here. Maybe even longer. And we are planning on keeping visitors to a minimum. Immediate family...yes. Random cousins or great aunts can wait. My advice: Be kind and direct. You know what is best for your family and your families should be understanding of that.

Anxiety over first grandparent visits

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