Hi all,
Apologies if there's already a thread out there that pertains to this. Both sets of (grand)parents live out of town, and I'm dreading the scheduling of, discussion about and actual usefulness of first visits from the grandparents (after the baby comes home from the hospital).
First of all, hubby and I would like to spend the first few days at home with baby alone -- just the 3 of us. We've yet to break it to our parents; is there a polite way to say, "We need our space for the first 3-5 days?"
Second, my MIL has been way more involved with my pregnancy than my mother. She's hosting a shower for me (my mom isn't coming) and she checks in every week on how I'm feeling and how the baby is doing. My mom has shown little to no interest in any of this. So, we'd like to invite my MIL to visit first, but I'm unsure how to politely tell my mom.
Finally -- and this is my biggest concern -- are the first grandparent visits after the baby is born actually helpful? I've had friends say yes, you need someone to help you.
But, currently, every time both sides of the family visit, hubby and I always feel like we're running a hotel. We cook and clean up after every meal, we plan the day's agenda and we chauffeur everyone around. I CANNOT be doing that with a 3-day old infant. I realize grandma and grandpa are visiting to see, hold, feed and coo at the baby -- but I also want someone who's willing to help pitch in with cooking/cleaning duties to get us through what I've heard is a pretty tiring time. Any tips???
Me: 32 DH: 34
Diagnosed PCOS: November 2005
Married: October 2009
TTC since: December 2013
March 2014: BFP
April 2014: natural m/c due to triploidy
May 2015-July 2015: 2 rounds Clomid/Metrformin/Ovidrel/TIC - 2 BFN
September 2015: 1 round Femara/Metformin/Ovidrel - BFP!!! 9/22/15
Baby girl due: 6/3/2016
Re: Anxiety over first grandparent visits
This time we're telling family we want a week to figure out our new normal before people visit. I learned with my DS that you have to set the boundaries that are best for your family, in the nicest way possible, and if family can't understand that, that's on them. People keep telling me that with twins I'll need family to help but in all honesty that would just cause more stress for me.
Say you want 3-4 days to adjust as a new family of 3. That's completely reasonable! I've already said this to both of our families and I honestly can care less if people think I'm selfish or being a bitch.
In terms of hurting your mom's feelings, that's tough. However, if your MIL is the one you have a good relationship with I think it's totally reasonable to ask her to stay first.
Baby #2 Due 3/7/20
Mine did the same thing with my DS!! They would just let him cry and cry! I tried to take him and my MIL just said "Oh, he's fine." I finally just took him from her.
If they don't give you the freedom to call the shots, and if you are not assertive enough to call your own shots regardless of their feelings, you're going to suffer in silence. In that case, they for sure need to stay in a hotel. If they haven't been helpful in the past they are just going to drive you insane when baby comes and they're taking your bonding time with baby while you are doing dishes. Nope. They can stay in a hotel, come to town at the same time even, and can have scheduled visits and hopefully be cool with being on call if you need extra help. You get to be selfish on this and do what's best for your new little family. The extra help is great if it is truly helpful and at your discretion. But having the space to bond with baby and figure things out on your own is important too. Also, if DH is taking a short paternity leave, it'd be good for him to have the time with just you and baby, without parents around.
Edit: Realizing I did not respond to the question of how to tell them nicely that they have to stay in a hotel. I'd just give it to them straight. If you feel like you have to explain, just say that you need your home space to feel completely your own while you and your little trio adjust to a new life - whether it's dealing with hormones, breastfeeding, sleep issues, not caring if the house is clean, body issues and wearing a giant pad and mesh undies and needing to feel ok with that. Also, with 2 sets of grandparents, the back to back visits will feel a bit too much and out of fairness ti's better to just ask both to stay in a hotel. They may be disappointed but they should get over it. If they don't, oh well, you are doing what you need to do and if they were reasonable they'd respect that. Mama bear!
If you have houseguests who are staying for long periods of time and/or not helping, but expecting to sit on your couch and hold your baby while you do dishes and prepare lunch for everyone, then a) it's not good for you; tou need to be resting and recuperating, and b) it is going to make you miserable and resentful. DH and I set down rules with baby #1 and have stuck with them (this is baby #3). We are more than willing to have people come over, but for short periods of time, and they are expected to pitch in. That can mean bringing a meal, changing a diaper, watching the kids for a little bit so I can nap and/or shower, whatever. I'm not picky. I will absolutely not be running around playing hostess while I am adjusting from having just birthed a baby, though.
Which is a whole other added wrinkle for me. Both my parents, despite Alzehiemers in my step-dad and memory issues/30 year old brain damage with my mom due to a nearly successful post partum psychosis induced suicide attempt, are highly functional. Thank God I'm not changing their diapers! But that means they are stubborn and DO NOT listen to me sometimes/ask for help when they need it. It's like having elderly teenagers I can't yell at to behave. And lately there's been some boundary issues with my mom, so I'm DREADING that PP confrontation.
My brother claims he'll just stay at my sister's. Who lives in a small 3 bedroom ranch with her 5 year old son and 4 year old twins and no guest room. I'm sure she'd be thrilled. Not. All I know is that he can't stay here!
Once we got home, it didn't get better. People told me when they were coming over and I didn't speak up and say it wasn't a good time. My MIL, SIL and get 2 kids visited 2 weeks after my son was born, and they did absolutely nothing to help out. They wanted to hold baby but nothing else. They expected us to go out to eat with them as well....with a newborn and me stitched together and in pain. So, not a great situation. They offered to help with the baby at night so we could rest, and that didn't happen once. They 'didn't hear the baby'. Also, my SIL walked in on me when I was completely topless, trying to nurse a screaming baby who hadn't quite learned how to latch yet. All in all....I won't be doing that again.
Husband and I have agreed that we want at least a week to figure things out once baby #2 gets here. Maybe even longer. And we are planning on keeping visitors to a minimum. Immediate family...yes. Random cousins or great aunts can wait. My advice: Be kind and direct. You know what is best for your family and your families should be understanding of that.