Parents told extended family before we were ready — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Parents told extended family before we were ready

With a lot of hesitation, we told our parents that we are expecting last weekend at 7 weeks. DH's mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and we wanted to give her good news to keep her spirits up. We thought they would respect our feelings to keep it a secret for awhile....wrong!

My parents told grandparents who then told the entire extended family, including long lost aunts that I haven't even seen in ages. Somehow the "keep it secret" part of the message has also been removed and these extended famy members now don't even know they are supposed to keep it quiet. They live in my hometown (where everyone knows everyone) and for all I know, they have probably already told everyone I grew up with, former teachers, etc.  Father in law also did something similar, and two of DH's aunts called to tell us congratulations.

Im so hurt and upset and angry. PGAL is such a scary thing, but we found comfort in knowing that we had a strong support system of people we had hand selected to be there for us incase of another loss. Now that has been ripped away and the whole world knows before we've even had a chance to really allow our own selves to get excited. I called my parents crying last night, and I think they feel really guilty but none of us know how to fix this now that it's out. Anyone else been here?

Re: Parents told extended family before we were ready

  • *hugs*

    This happened to us last time at 8 weeks and I have no idea how to fix it but I just wanted you to know that I feel ya, it sucks.
     
     
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    strickland8052
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  • That's terrible, not only because you are PGAL, but also because they took the fun of announcing away from you.

    My uncle did a similar thing to my cousin. Her bf asked his permission to marry her and my uncle announced on Facebook that she was getting married. She commented on his post saying her bf hadn't proposed to her yet. He ruined the surprise AND stole her chance to announce the happy news herself. Parents can be clueless sometimes.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
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    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

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    strickland8052
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  • This is super annoying! I know we talked about this on a the BMB but I told my family for the same reason at 5 weeks. I was very explicit and thanksfully they have followed my wishes but I worried about what happened to you constantly and not a week goes by where my mom or my MIL don't ask when they can tell people and like @CarrieandRoy said I feel that is rude as we should get to be the ones to announce, not them! My mother even told me that my grandma asked "what was wrong with me? And why can't we tell people?" Really grandma?!?!
    carrieandrstrickland8052
  • I'm so sorry @strickland8052! Hugs! That is really rude. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much on top of PGAL.
    strickland8052
  • Ugh all of these stories are upsetting! I'm really sorry @strickland8052  I'm sure you did not need the added stress. We've only told my doctor and two out of town friends for this reason and hearing your story has solidified me keeping tight-lipped for some time. ::hugs::
    strickland8052
  • I'm sorry. My dad started telling people right away with my first pregnancy. Now he's learned to keep his mouth shut. 

     

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    strickland8052
  • My anxiety and fears also rose once we told our immediate family because the news started to spread like wildfire. My husband got a text from his buddy who said he ran into my mother in law at the grocery store, and proceeded to ask him if he had spoken to us, and that she cant tell him what it is, but there is news. I couldn't believe it. It took a lot for me to agree to tell immediate family members at 13weeks, but really would have wanted to wait until 16 or even later for the rest of the world.

    I was also upset at one of my girlfriends behavior. She suspected I was pregnant because she noticed I had not been drinking. She was aware of my previous loss, and instead of waiting for me to tell her, she just started calling me out on it. I finally did tell her that she was correct, but it really upset me that for weeks she just would not stop with the "I know you are pregnant" comments. I just can't believe how some people can't respect the need for privacy.   

    strickland8052crob5685carrieandrbntfroggie
  • I'm sorry this happened to you.  PGAL is nerve wracking enough without the people who are supposed to love you causing extra stress.  If you've already told all the future grandparents to spread the word for everyone to zip it, there's not much left for you to do.  Just try to remember that they did this out of excitement, not disrespect for you.  (If I held all my family and in-laws responsible for everything they did that was disrespectful during my one full-term pregnancy,...I'd be lonely and have no babysitters. Excitement clouded their judgement and hormones affected my sensitivity; It's a bad combination.).   Find a way to let it go and you'll have a happier pregnancy.  (What's that old saying - Would you rather be right or happy?). Just make it clear to all family members that this is your pregnancy and you call the shots.  Best of luck to you.
    Prof=Mom
  • I forgot to mention, hubby and I only told our parents, but gave them a date that we would announce it to the rest of the family so they knew how long they'd have to keep the secret.  It was after the eight week visit and ultrasound, provided that everything went well.
    Prof=Mom
  • I havent been there exactly. With my second pregnancy (and it ended up being my second loss) I told Facebook at 12 weeks. Went in for an appointment two days later and no heartbeat. So I kind of get it but I did it to myself. I'm sorry that happened. It's so scary to let people in on that news early on. I know they're all just excited but they should've respected your wishes. ((Hugs))
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  • I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to want to gather the support but being so fearful of having to turn back around and tell everyone if it turns in to a loss. We didn't tell any one outside of my husband, my sister, and the Secretary at my work who I asked to pray for us until we were 14 weeks. We were going to tell at 10 but when it came time I just wasn't ready to share get and I was still so afraid things would go wrong. We announced to close friends at the same time as family but then waited until almost 18 weeks and a healthy a/s before sharing it with the world. And still I worried about something going wrong and having to tell people. I am a counselor and have started sharing with my clients, some to prepared them for the fact that I will be out of the office for a bit during the summer, and I still go home at times anxious about how to handle it if something goes awry. And I am mad at your family for taking the joy of sharing your news away from you. I know they are probably so happy and so excited but you should have gotten the pleasure to share when you are ready and see peoples' reactions to your wonderful news!

  • Ugh I feel like this is going to be me in about a week. I live overseas, so don't get to see my parents super often. We will be seeing them next week though, and I can't really spend a week with them and not say anything...it's better to tell in person even if it's extremely early I think. But my mom can't keep a secret to save her life, so I'm nervous. She also nags me every time we talk asking why I'm not pregnant yet (and she knows about our loss). 
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  • @linnea625 - make sure you stress to her how hurt you would be if she were to tell. Also maybe give her s specific date she can tell and allow her one person (approved by you) that she can talk to about it, but that person also has to know the rules. I think if we would have been more clear, they wouldn't have told.
    carrieandrlinnea625
  • Ugh this type of thing is so hurtful. I know it's a secondary emotion but I'm pretty pissed for all of you that had to deal with this kind of selfishness. I don't understand why people think it is their decision to share your personal info, especially assuming they have some awareness that they are only being told do early because you need support in your PGAL journey. I'm sorry to all who had this happen, and I think expressing your thoughts and feelings about it might at least help you feel better even if it doesn't guarantee they will understand. I might be tempted to even ask for their suggestions on ways you could still get the special experience of announcing the news when it is time...
  • I'm sorry you're dealing with this @strickland8052. I've had the same type of experience twice. When we were pregnant with DS, we told our families at 6 weeks and asked them to keep it secret til we gave them the go ahead. We didn't find out til 2nd tri, but MIL went and told everyone she knew right after we told them. I was pissed. During my second pregnancy, we told our families at 8 weeks and again asked them not to tell. Again, MIL told everyone she knew right away. I had started spotting around 11 weeks and I went to a cookout at MIL's house and literally every woman there congratulated me. It was AWFUL dealing with congratulatory comments from women I barely knew when I knew something wasn't right. I ended up losing that baby and MIL had to backtrack. This time, no one (except a few close friends) is finding out until after 2nd tri. Furthermore, we might find out the sex and keep it a secret from everyone because I'm vengeful like that. ;)

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    BFP #1 12/2012, DS born 8/2013
    BFP #2 7/2015, MMC and D&C 9/2015
    BFP #3 11/2015, CP
    BFP #4 1/2016, DD born 10/2016




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