Naming Issue

jorhoff1786 · March 2016

Hi there.

This is my first post so I welcome all opinions and feedback.

So a little back story. Almost two years ago my dad passed away unexpectedly. It is still hard on the family especially my mom.

Even before I was pregnant my husband and I decided that we liked the name Benjamin and use my husbands middle and last name which is also his dad's middle and last name. We didn't have any girl names picked.

Then my dad passed away and we said if it is a girl, we would name her Mikayla a feminine version of my dad's name.

Well flash forward to Sunday and we find out were are having a boy. My mom came up to me and said that I really need to re think the name and name him after his grandfather who never will know how wonderful he is. I told her I think it would be too hard to call my child after my father and think about the last time I saw my father. I talked to her recently and she spoke her mind again. She said that that he would be spoiling that kid if he was still here and how he did everything for me and my husband when we moved apartments and into our house now. So now I kinda agree with her thoughts.

Oh and by the way, my brother is named after her (my grandfather) dad and my dad with the first and last name. However both were alive when my brother was born. She said it was the best feeling naming after someone she cared alot for. She says it would be a way to honor my dad.

I told my husband and he is willing change the name but thinks I am caving in and doesn't really like it.

I am torn.

Please be kind, remember my hormones are mountains and valleys right now.

Thanks for your opinion.

jorhoff1786 · March 2016

Edit...my brothers name is named after my grandfather and my dad for the first and last name...

meggyme · March 2016

How you will feel when talking to or about your son is important. I'm going through something similar, as my grandmother recently passed and the thought of giving our daughter her name as a middle name had come up. If you think you'll be sad thinking about your dad when you say your son's name, then skip it. If you'll think of happy times and the good person that he was, then consider it. Either way, I'd avoid discussing it with your mom anymore so you can have a clear idea of what you want without feeling pressured into it. If later you realize it was a mistake you might feel regret or resentful, which is not a feeling you want associated with your son or your father's memory.

bananers · March 2016

Your mom is putting you in an uncomfortable position by guilting you into using your dad's name. Sure, it would be a nice gesture, but at the end of the day, this is your and your husband's decision and no one else's. Have you thought about using your dad's name for the middle name, or maybe even your dad's middle name for either the first or middle name? You said yourself you would be uncomfortable using your dad's first name for your son's first name, so maybe there is another way to honor him without doing something you don't feel comfortable doing.

But like I said, this is not your mom's decision to make. Period.

Edit: you could also give the baby two middle names and that could be a good compromise with using your husband's middle-last combo.

veetveet · March 2016

Sorry for the loss of your dad. I know how tough it is! I wish my dad was here to know my daughter!

Honestly though, I don't think it's fair for your mom to put you in this position. It's your baby and your choice how you want to name him.

Best of luck!

megstervt · March 2016

People get to have opinions about names, but they don't get to make the decision. There are plenty of ways to honor your dad and share his memory with your baby that don't include sharing a name.
If it were me I'd tell my mom that my husband and I had made our decision on the name but we planned to do x, y and z to honor dad (i.e. Picture in the nursery, teddy bear with one of his shirts, a picture book with stories of his life, etc etc). Every time she brought up the subject I would repeat the same statement.

whataboutscience · March 2016

Sounds like you think it's a nice idea but have good reasons you don't want to name baby after your dad. It is unfair of your mom to guilt you into picking a name. You have to do what feels right for you. I really like my dad's name and what it means, but he committed suicude and I just couldn't name a baby after him when that's the way his life ended. Different than your story, but just hard stuff to think about when wanting to talk to your child.

SarahFoley725 · March 2016

I agree with PPs. I'd also like to add that my middle name is after my grandma who I loved and adored. I ALWAYS knew if I had a daughter I would pass that same middle name to her. Well here I am pregnant with my first girl and we are not using that middle name. I felt really guilty about wanting to do something else but my mom reminded me that my grandma has passed and won't be here to enjoy the sentiment behind the shared name anyway. My daughter will never know my Mimi so she's never understand the significance of that middle name either.

It seems to me like your mom may be trying to patch up a small part of the hole in her heart. Ultimately this is your son, and if naming him after your dad isn't something you want to do, then don't. You may look back and think wow I really wish I hadn't let her guilt me into that which could lead to some resentment. Your mom will just have to get over your decision if you stick with Benjamin, which by the way I think is a great feat name.

nanner26 · March 2016

I agree with the PPs. That is such an uncomfortable position to be put in. My husband lost his dad a couple years ago and it wasn't really even an option for us to name our child after him. I couldn't imagine calling our son his father's first name because I think it would just be too much for DH. If it really meant a lot to my husband then I would consider it as the middle name.
It is definitely you and your husband's decision and even though it's obviously an emotional time for everyone involved you sound like it's something you don't want to do. You don't want to make an emotional decision and regret it later. Hopefully your mom will respect whatever you decide.

Also, I hope I understood that right, but if your brother is the one that carries the tradition of his name then maybe he would want to name his future children after your father?

PugsandKisses · March 2016

Your child, your choice. Ignore them

bunnybunny2010 · March 2016

This is your baby! You and your husband get to name it what you truly want -- despite what your family thinks. My mother-in-law is similar with her ideas, but ultimately, it's your baby!

Disneygeek77 · March 2016

Your mom should never had said anything to you. That was very unfair. She got to name her babies, now it is your and your husband's turn. I understand you miss your father and he was a good man, but so is your FIL and your husband I assume. What is wrong with honoring them too ? I know she said she had the best feeling by naming her child after someone she cared about, but you are doing the same thing. For heaven's sake you are naming your son after your husband and FIL, does that not count for anything ?

I would stick to your original decision. Boy is named after husband and FIL, daughter is named after your dad. That is very fair.

Finally, it sounds like it would upset your husband if you changed the name now and rightfully so. That being the case, I personally would rather upset my mother than upset my husband. This is his child too.

Mfuller76 · March 2016

Your mom has made it clear how she feels about things, but how do you think your dad would feel? It sounds like he was a wonderful and caring man. Would he truly feel honored that you named your son after him because you felt pressured? Or would he be happier knowing you did what you and your husband felt was best? Would he really care about the name at all, or would he just be excited knowing that you have a healthy baby and a family to call your own?

I lost my mom 5 years ago and I think, wherever she is, she is much more concerned about my happiness and the baby's health than she is with her legacy. Sure, she would feel honored if that's what we wanted, but any other name would be just fine too.

Deep down you are going to know what the right choice is and either way, it will all be fine. Good luck!

fourtsixand2 · March 2016

Don't feel guilted to name your child anything other that what you and your husband decide. This is your baby that you will raise and see every day of his life. If it would make you too hurt or sad to call him after your father, then that would be the wrong decision.
There are so many ways to honor someone you've loved and lost.

gamommyx3 · March 2016

Mfuller76 said:

Your mom has made it clear how she feels about things, but how do you think your dad would feel? It sounds like he was a wonderful and caring man. Would he truly feel honored that you named your son after him because you felt pressured? Or would he be happier knowing you did what you and your husband felt was best? Would he really care about the name at all, or would he just be excited knowing that you have a healthy baby and a family to call your own?

This is along the lines of what I was going to say too. What would your dad say? It does sound like your mom might be trying to give herself a little healing here, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it shouldn't be at your expense. If you're not comfortable with it, then you need to do what you feel is best for you and your husband.

FWIW my LO is getting my deceased brother's full name (first and MN) as a middle name. There is absolutely no way I could personally use his name as a first name. Talking to him, about him, filling out forms, etc., I just know it isn't right for me. It would be way too hard. If you know that inherently about yourself too, then stick to your guns and let your mom know it isn't what is best for you.

DisneyIsabelle · March 2016

Whatever you choose, the name will be special and perfect. One idea is two middle names (don't do it just to appease your mom), just if that's what you want. My brother has two middle names. My brother and I both have my mom's last name as our middle name, and my brother also has my mom's dad's name as a middle name. His name sounds like and it's a nice tribute to my grandfather, whom my brother has never met.

Another idea if you want to stick with your initial name choice is to do something else nice to honor your dad with your mom. Maybe you two can make an album together of family members and a little story or info. about each one and make a special part for your dad and it will be something your son can grow up having? I believe your mom should have said she loves your name choice no matter what it was. I know my mom loves the baby name we picked because we love it...so really maybe she wouldn't love it if it wasn't going to be the name of her grandchild, but she would never tell us if she didn't love it.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

I honestly think that you need to take your mom out of the mix. This is between you and your husband, and anyone else is just white noise. You and your husband need to decide on a name together, and then just maybe not talk about it again. Your mom will get over it, if you don't use the name that she wants you to use. If my aunt had a say in my daughter's name, she would have been a Gracelyn. If my mom had a say in my daughter's name, she would have been a Audrey Sonja (bringing down my middle name). But I felt no emotional attachment to my middle name, and it had been use SOOOO many times within my family and extended family, that I was tired of hearing it. And Audrey and Gracelyn are not my style. Instead, my husband and I picked a first name that was our style, and he gave me middle naming "rights" because he had middle naming "rights" if it was a boy (he wanted to pass down his middle name and I didn't care for it). I ended up giving her the middle name after his grandmother, because he saw her everyday growing up and he was super close to her (she had passed away years before we started dating)...and seeing him cry when I said what her middle name was going to be, was 100% worth it. My mom was little annoyed that I didn't pass down my middle name, but whatever....its my kid. It doesn't mean my middle name means nothing to me, it just means that I felt there was a more important name out there....one that meant more to my husband.

This time around, we have all family names on our list, but one is another name from MH's side, and the rest are family members that are important to me (two honorary grandparents names, and one great-uncle's name). We haven't discussed them with other's because I know that if I bring them up with my family, they are going to either complain if my kid ends up with another name after MH's side of the family (and none of our kids get one from my side), or WHO we are choosing to honor from my side, because I know that my mom and grandma both feel that we should use the name of someone that is important to them. Those people are important to me too, but these names we have picked, are people that have made more of an impact in my life, than those other people. My mom and grandma are pretty blunt and I am sure they will still make a snarky comment, but when the baby is here, and we announce the name, at that point it is too late and they will just have to get over it. It will be a name that MH and I love, and that we chose together as husband/wife and the parents of this child.

Don't let someone try and guilt/convince you to use a name you don't want to use. And just because you don't use it, doesn't mean that you love him any less.

Hammond142 · March 2016

Sorry for the loss of your dad :-(
We lost my brother 14 years ago when I was 19 and my sister 14. Fast forward to now, and my sister has just had her 3rd child - a boy. She has named him directly after our brother. This has been met with mixed reactions from all family members despite her discussing it first with my parents and myself first. My sister just wanted to acknowledge our brother but the rest of us are finding it hard (baby's almost 6 months old now). It's almost like a constant reminder of our brothers death, my sister sees it more like a celebration of him.
Only you and your husband can decide but think carefully about how you will feel about the constant reminder of your dad xx
(We don't know the sex of our baby yet (no. 2) but we have decided that if a boy then we may use my brothers second name as our baby's second name, like a nod to him but not a constant reminder)

KarlaMCurry · March 2016

Fine, your mom spoke up, and you listened. The fact that she keeps bringing it up and is trying to make you feel bad/guilty about choosing your own name for your child (especially after you've given is such careful consideration) is really annoying. This is definitely a boundaries issue and you need to make sure she knows where the line is!

When we had our second child, a boy, we had a family friend who kept telling me I HAD to name him after my grandfathers. I happen to have a living brother who already has their names (first and middle), and I really didn't want to be in the position of trying to honor one family member over another, blah blah blah. None of my children have been specifically named for other people, though parts of their names are in the family tree.

Do what you want, (nicely) stick to your guns. Good luck!

mclorn · March 2016

I am in a similar position, so I totally can relate to the guilt and dilemma! However, my DH and I have chosen to name our future son after DH's side of the family (not mine which is also where the dilemma is...). I still think about it, but long-term we are going with the name we like better and honoring DH.

Flowr4246 · March 2016

PugsandKisses said:

Your child, your choice. Ignore them

So much this.

That said, I really love the thought of giving your child a namesake in some way if you feel you can handle it. It's a great way to honor those who've passed on. Middle names are a fantastic way to do that. The name is still there, but it's not as 'in your face'. All my kids' middle names are for people who've meant something special to either me or my H and have passed.

BostonBaby1 · March 2016

I'm sorry about your dad.

I also lost my father not too long ago. We are naming the baby after my dad (boy or girl.)

The difference is that it is our decision and we ran it past my mom to be sure it wouldn't be too painful. She's very happy about it.

My dad was such a huge part of my life and a truly wonderful man. We look at it as a blessing to give the baby his name.

Despite how I feel, I agree that you and your DH need to do what is right for you as a family.

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