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October 2016 Moms
mothernorth
member
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Happy/Sad/Confused
mothernorth
member
So, SO (I usually refer to him as DH even though we are not legally married other than filing taxes together and having children) proposed at the dentist's office Friday when I was getting my wisdom teeth pulled! Yay we are finally engaged! It was fun, the hygienists all started crying and taking pictures and are putting pictures up on the office website, but I digress.
So, my now fiance tends to give me static fairly often when he feels like it because I still have my ex husbands last name. I can see why it would bother him to extent, and I AM changing it back before we get married so he is marrying me with my maiden name. But I don't see why he makes such a big deal out of it. That WAS my name. It is my daughter's last name. All of my legal paperwork is under that name so now I have to change it all, then change it all AGAIN once we are wed.
What is irritating me now is his ex wife still has his last name, refuses to change it back and he won't jump down her throat about because he "doesn't want to fight with her", but he is more than happy to get on my case about my last name and make me feel like I'm being disrespectful for not having had it changed already...
Just ranting I guess. I have not changed my name yet but am going to. Am I in the wrong for waiting?
So, my now fiance tends to give me static fairly often when he feels like it because I still have my ex husbands last name. I can see why it would bother him to extent, and I AM changing it back before we get married so he is marrying me with my maiden name. But I don't see why he makes such a big deal out of it. That WAS my name. It is my daughter's last name. All of my legal paperwork is under that name so now I have to change it all, then change it all AGAIN once we are wed.
What is irritating me now is his ex wife still has his last name, refuses to change it back and he won't jump down her throat about because he "doesn't want to fight with her", but he is more than happy to get on my case about my last name and make me feel like I'm being disrespectful for not having had it changed already...
Just ranting I guess. I have not changed my name yet but am going to. Am I in the wrong for waiting?
Re: Happy/Sad/Confused
It's probably a bit easier to have the same last name as your child, and it's expensive to change your name multiple times!
My feeling is the name doesn't make the person, so as long as your name will change once you're married what does it matter?
(I'm so sorry I got focused on the question)
Personally, I don't believe anyone else has any right to judge/dictate/or even request a name change for another person- that decision lies wholly with you. So if you're on board with changing your name (multiple times), more power to you. But don't do it because you fiance (CONGRATS!) is being whiny about it. Last names don't make a family. Because if they did, then wouldn't the fastest/easiest solution be that your fiance change his name to your ex's name? Then you, your daughter, and future husband would all have the same name
My hubby whines that I wasn't going to change my name because he felt what was the point then to even get married, no one will know. I had plans to change it, but it kept getting put off and now I just can't be bothered (we've been married 2 years). Our baby will have his last name, which he's happy about, but all my business stuff is in my last name and it's too much hassle to change it.
And don't get me started on his rights to "his last name" when it comes to his ex.
I definitely don't think your wrong for waiting. That is a lot of work to change your name back to your maiden name just to turn around and change it again. I personally wouldn't do it but thats not to say Im judging you for your choice. Its weird how much men put into that name. When I got married I wasn't going to change my last name and my husband threw a fit (and so did MY mom). In fact, they only person that was on my side was my MIL. I ended up compromising and surprising him on Christmas by hyphenating it. (which BTW turns out I wouldn't recommend that either).
You're not in the wrong, changing your name is a lot of work. There's no way I would change my name back to my maiden name and then change it again a few months later. But that's obviously your decision. It just seems like a bunch of confusion and work.
It was and still is a pain in the ass. I still haven't changed it everywhere.
Tbh, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have changed my name. DH was pretty adamant about it, but it's a little unfair, if you ask me, that only women typically change their last name.
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
My maiden name is Sing, and that is primarily what I go by unless I HAVE to use my full legal name, in which case I go by Collins. When my guy gets an attitude with me about something he calls me Mrs. Collins just to get under my skin and it's really irritating. I don't see why it's such a big deal and it's frustrating. He held it over my head last night and it really puts a damper on our new engagement when he acts this way.
Like I said, I'm going to go ahead and dance this dance. Twice. I guess I am just looking for reassurance that I'm not in the wrong for not having done so yet. If my ex husband would have asked me to change it before when he was dating his girlfriends, personally out of respect I would have. That's just me. But he didn't, and if nothing else it was just convenient to not have to change all of my personal information again.
I still have my ex husbands last name as well. Like everyone else, I found it to be a huge pain in the ass to change it the first time so I don't plan on changing it again until/if I remarry. It's also the same as my oldest son's last name and that was less confusion for him at the time we divorced. Me and my SO aren't married either and he has never worried about my last name UNTIL I was about to give birth to our child together. I reminded him that while the baby will have his last name, everything at the hospital, the bracelets, the card in the bassinet, will have my last name (which is my ex husbands). He almost blew a gasket! Hey, if you don't like it, you know how to change that. Apparently, it didn't bother him that bad because we're still not married.
At least your guy is attempting to change it but I definitely wouldn't worry about it or bother changing it back to your maiden name. Tell him you'll change it after you're married, you'll see how worried about it he is then.
congratulations!!!
You have more important things to concentrate your efforts on.. Your last name will change soon enough.
I'm Team You in that the name change seems like a waste of time and money.
From what you've said, he seems a bit manipulative and controlling. In the scheme of things, this really isn't a big deal so I don't know why he's trying to make you feel bad/guilty.
Also I would probably be a jerk right back if he called me Mrs Collins with some retort along the lines of "yep that's my name"
DD Born 5.9.12
MC March 2016@8.5w
Expecting #2 4/30/17
When it comes to your last name, you are not wrong in the slightest. You are being pragmatic. He is being emotional.
When it comes to his ex wife's name, he can't really force her to change it. I suspect the difference in the reaction is because he doesn't really care about or want to deal with her. Don't let that phase you.
Anyway, when it comes to documentation and legalities, always go with the pragmatic view. It's less costly.
DD1 7/31/2008
DD2 6/16/2010
DD3 5/10/2012
IUD surprise pregnancy/MC 2015
Little Rainbow Due 10/2/2016
at least the second time will go fast!
Also congrats!!!!! I'm excited for you!