Relationship problems after loss?

sunnygirl0687 · February 2016

DH and I have always had a rocky relationship. We've been together for 5.5 years, married 2.5 years and have always had our share of problems. But I feel like since our loss in August, things have been getting worse. He has anger and trust issues and I tend to keep things bottled up. I was chatting with my mil tonight and my hubby is exactly like his father, and my mil has been unhappily married for 25+ years. She has suggested that if I don't want to end up like her, that I need to get out now, before a child gets brought into this drama. Any advice? I am so confused. I don't necessarily believe in divorce, but I also want to have a happy life/family.

catiecatp · February 2016

That's tough - it is hard to say how much MIL is projecting her unhappiness on you - because even if FIL and DH are similar, that doesn't mean your relationship with DH is the same as MIL and FIL - your stressors are going to likely be somewhat different even if the personalities are similar. I'm a believer that all relationships take work - my DH and I have issues, one that is festering and that I struggle to work on but care deeply about fixing (even if DH doesn't believe me) - but both sides need to be willing to try to make it work. Does your DH realize the issues his mother and father have? and if he does, does he care? Maybe what you need is outside help - a counsellor or therapist or religious leader?

sunnygirl0687 · February 2016

DH is definately aware of the problems his parents have in their relationship. I'm not sure if he is aware as to why those problems exist (mil shared with me tonight, and said even her best friend doesn't know all the stuff she told me tonight). I am going to try to talk to him about it tomorrow or Tuesday. I know it's hard for people to change and I fear that if/when we have a child, they will turn out like DH or fil.
We have tried to make changes for the better, but always seem to revert back to our old ways. Counseling will definitely be tried, as a divorce would most likely send me back to my parents house an hour away from my workplace, also most likely me quiting my job (only part time). I don't have enough money saved up to make it on my own at this point.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this. Loss can be very taxing on even the strongest relationship. I am glad to hear you are going to try to talk with DH about all of this. PP is right - you both need to want to and be willing to work things out. I hope you can get there! Hugs and good luck.

BornReady · February 2016

Wow, what a conversation to have with your MIL. That's tough. I agree with PP that counseling for you might be a good step to starting to think realistically about the long-term chances of your marriage working out. Marriage definitely take work from each party in my opinion to continue to "choose" one another each day. Some days of course being easier than others. As far as the loss piece, death and grieving have to be one of the biggest stressors a couple can go through... but so is parenting. I thought my husband and I had "seen it all" in our years together, but bringing home a preemie, extremely high-need child has definitely brought it to a whole new level. I've said it before, that I don't think our younger selves would have stayed married through that first year without a very solid foundation.

Talk it out with someone you trust, and good luck with whatever you choose.

mylittleversailles · February 2016

Hey there, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

Speaking very, very personally here, I'm not into anything that's rocky. Life is hard enough; I need my inner circle - the people I really let in - to be with me on all levels of life. I don't want to fight; I want to grow together and have those conversations society tells me are impossible and come out the other side stronger and happier. I don't know if one can believe in divorce or not - it is a reality and it frees so many people from situations that are holding them down (some being dangerous situations, of course).

That being said, this is your life and you know what you need and want, so if this is going work to out, be mutually fulfilling and if you're going to find a better place together, you both need to give it your all, no matter your MIL's perspective on life and relationships. Grief clouds all things and I'll echo the sentiment that outside help might really be clarifying.

DinosaurJumper · February 2016

What a heavy load you bear! I'm so sorry for your troubles and loss. I agree with PP about grief and maybe seeing a counselor. If both parties are willing to work on things and talk, then I would urge you to take that up. A relationship counselor would be very beneficial! I wish you the best and hope this leads to a happy life for you.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss and troubles. PP have given you great advice. I just wanted to chime in that you absolutely should resolve these issues before TTC again, and you should use BC diligently in the meantime. Both losses and new babies add significant stress to even the strongest marriages, and can completely shatter troubled marriages. Best of luck as you move forward!

sunnygirl0687 · February 2016

Thank you so much ladies for the advice. DH and I have yet to talk about our problems, our work schedules don't allow for us to see eachother much. But I do hope to do it by the weekend and hoping we can try counseling soon.
We have always had a rocky relationship that stems from my infedelity, that happened shortly after we started dating (over 5 years ago). He does not trust/believe me when I say I'm out with friends or family. He's very controlling and at times, verbally abusive and makes threat often. I have problems communicating with him when I'm upset and expect more from him than he can give, at times.
I understand that we need to stop ttc while we are having issues. I just wonder if we will ever be able to move forward from all the crap that keeps going on. AF is due this weekend, so as much as I would love a bfp, I am praying it's a bfn. As heartbreaking as that sounds.

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