Advice from STMs? How much time should DH take off?

DisneyIsabelle · February 2016

My husband as of now is currently planning to take two weeks off work when I have the baby if all goes smoothly. He can use sick time or something if for some reason I have a C-section or anything unforeseen (fingers crossed that won't be the case) Is this an adequate amount of time? I'm thinking I will likely have the housecleaner come at least once a week to take care of vacuuming/mopping and cleaning the bathrooms, laundry, etc.

How much time did your DH stay home after your baby was born?

ThisisNumber3 · February 2016

Do you have any other family that will be visiting or staying with you? We found it was unnecessary for DH to be off work while my mom as in town.

The first week is for sure necessary to have someone there because even after a vaginal they sometimes dont want you to drive and the baby will probably have to go for a check up. So yes 2 weeks sounds wonderful, but after a week you probably would be fine.

DisneyIsabelle · February 2016

@ThisisNumber3 Yes, luckily all of our immediate family members are within 5-30 minutes. My mom has a totally flexible schedule and can come help as much as I want, I'm sure she will be bringing plenty of meals as well. My dad likely will also bring over some meals. Lots of my in laws will be happy to help, I just know it would be hard for me to rest with people other than my husband, mom, or SIL being the ones helping me out in the house. You know how some well meaning people can be, more exhausting to have around than helpful lol. Certainly plenty of family around that could drive me and baby if needed though.

Thanks for the input!

DisneyIsabelle · February 2016

Also, just saw that all three of your kids will have same birthday month. That's so funny! I'm guessing not planned that way?

PJpeppercorn · February 2016

After two weeks, I was still in a lot of pain and fog of, "oh my gosh, what is happening!!"-- and I had a normal vaginal birth. I'd say take the max time he can with sick days, etc. You won't regret it and the bonding time is amazing. My husband took about 7 weeks, which I know is (sadly) rare in the U.S.-- but my point is, the more time you are able to do, the better.

tisunge602 · February 2016

My husband took 3 weeks off with our first, and that was perfect. This time around he will take 2 weeks, which I think will be plenty. I'd say with your first, at least 2 weeks if he can swing it!

DisneyIsabelle · February 2016

@PJpeppercorn Thanks for the insight as well. I suppose I really won't have any idea of how I'll be feeling until I get there. He doesn't have to commit to a decision about how much time off to take ahead of time. Although he may want to exchange some days ahead of time with other people (work their shifts before baby is born in exchange for them taking his shifts when baby is born. That way he can have some days off where he's not burning his vacation/holiday/sick days. He does have quite a few sick days saved because he never uses them so there is some flexibility because those don't need to be submitted ahead of time like vacation.

The US needs to step it up in this respect compared to many other countries! Luckily I work from home so I don't have to worry about maternity leave.

DisneyIsabelle · February 2016

@tisunge602 Thanks for the response!

Curls919 · February 2016

Mine took one week off then it was Labor Day the following week then rosh hashannah the next then Yom Kippur the following. So basically he took one week off then worked partial weeks for another month just about.

This time he's taking 2 weeks then working from home one day a week for another month or two. I will most likely need him home those first week since ds's school is closed at the end of the summer so trying to juggle a new baby and a toddler full time would be rough one week postpartum.

Sekerambo · February 2016

I had my daughter via C-section, really late on a Thursday and my husband was back to work on Monday. I did have help the first week for a few hours each day but I would have been fine on my own. I planned ahead with freezer meals so it was nice to be able to pull them out the night before and let them cook in the crockpot all day. I tend to be a person who likes to do things myself though.

Bookhousegirl · February 2016

DH had 2 weeks last time and that was fine, but he also was working awesome hours and home by 4 every day. Now he has a new job and doesn't get home until 7:30 so I'm hoping he can take 3 weeks. I found that 3 weeks is when the fog finally lifts and I felt a bit more functional.

bananers · February 2016

Last time DH took two weeks of vacation time. I felt like that was enough time for me to get a handle on things, but he found it emotionally hard to go back. This time he gets 3 weeks of actual paternity leave, so we are both pretty excited about that. Of course, we will also have a 3 year-old to chase after, so I may find myself wishing he had even more time!!

mumblefrog86 · February 2016

My DH took 2 weeks last time and will take 2 weeks again with this one. I loved having him home for that time to help and help get into a routine.

Mrsrundell · February 2016

My husband wasn't planning on taking any time off of work. fTM and I didn't realize it was so common for them to take time off too. He does work literally one block away from our loft and was planning on coming home every few hours to take the dog out for a walk the first few weeks but, I don't think he will be able to actually take a significant amount of time off. He works in a very demanding law firm and they will be in the middle of several trials early August. Hmm now I'm a little concerned! Lol

michelle_shelle · February 2016

Wow, I wish. My husband will have the day of and maybe one or two extra, no matter what type of delivery happens. We will also be doing our own cleaning. Maybe I should try for a few more days

TCUFrog08 · February 2016

I wasn't sure what DH was going to take. So I just randomly asked him. He very sternly said "I'm taking 2 weeks off". Oh sweet!! lol he works close to home and both our parents love in the within 20 minutes. so that will be nice help too.

Kjohnson1426 · February 2016

My dh took a week off with both kids after we went home.. My deliveries were very easy though and I was up walking around just a few hours after giving birth. I really didn't feel the need for him to take any more work off.

cabee310 · February 2016

DH took 1.5 week off after our last son. To be honest, he panics easily and I found it way less stressful after he went back to work. This time, I think he will only take a few days off, but he's sales so he could be home half the day and still be considered "working" if he wanted.

cm716 · February 2016

2 weeks would be a luxury. My dh has only been allowed three days with each baby. So, we have my mom and his mom alternate and i have help for 2-3 weeks between the two off them. my help is amazing but after about 3 weeks I'm ready to start my own life with my own kids.

this time will probably be different though I'm planning on having the grandmas take the big girls and cook while i mostly wrangle the baby solo.

hannahh18 · February 2016

My DH gets 4 weeks paid paternity leave!

WinnieLou82 · February 2016

We haven't figured out the details but he won't be able to take off more than a few days but we could reevaluate when the time comes.

My mom is retired and lives close so she'll be here to help. And, like @Sekerambosaid, I would prefer to do things by myself. DH works a lot to begin with so I'm used to handling my time without him here.

tinkerbell11210 · February 2016

DH took off a week last time and that is what he will be doing this time. My mom came up to help with laundry and cleaning the second week and half way through the second week I was fine on my own.

jamiesc58 · February 2016

My dh took a week off for each of our kids and that was fine. I found it was harder for me to sleep when the baby slept when dh was home because I felt bad. He was such a great help and I felt like I should be spending time with him when I could.

Fremdschamen · February 2016

@Mrsrundell If your husband can swing a few days off, I'd encourage him to do it. I'm a lawyer and it is pretty standard here for the dads to take at least a week off. He'll need a bit of bonding time with the baby, and you'll need help. Between the pain and nursing all the time (assuming you will breastfeed), it is hard to even get up and get meals for yourself for the first week or two. Will you have any family in town to help out?

I was very lucky with my first kid-- my husband is a PhD student, so he was home indefinitely and took care of our daughter 3 days a week after I went back to work. It was awesome. This time, he will likely be working when I give birth, but probably at a flexible job, so I'm hoping he will be able to take 2 weeks or so.

Pepper6 · February 2016

My Dh gets 6 weeks full pay paternity leave and he took it all, then worked from home for another week after that and that's the plan this time too. It was amazing having him home that long and we were both sad when he had to go back.

smilormarie · February 2016

My husband took off the week we were in the hospital and the first week home (but I think he squeezed in a little work from home that week). Went back after that. It was enough time and I had a horrible c section and had trouble with dizzy spells and walking.

Bubblegum5586 · February 2016

I think H is planning on taking a week, but has a flexible schedule so will be able to be home a lot for the next few weeks after. My mom already told me she is taking a week to help me.

cait5413 · February 2016

Pepper6 said:

My Dh gets 6 weeks full pay paternity leave and he took it all, then worked from home for another week after that and that's the plan this time too. It was amazing having him home that long and we were both sad when he had to go back.

Oh, I wish. DH starts a new job in May. As far as we know, there is no formal paternity leave policy, but I also don't think he's told them yet that we're having a baby!

ThisisNumber3 · February 2016

I think it also just depends on what his job allows and can reasonably use. MY DH can use up to 6 months paid sick/annual leave but that would be crazy for us both to use up all our sick/annual leave to hang out at home. So its better for him to take 1-2 weeks and then go back to work so he can save some of that leave for if the baby gets sick later.

Also, my daughter was still in school, so DH was getting up to take her to/from school each day so it was just easier for him to go into work. But I think this time he will ask to maybe work short days for a few weeks (like 6 hour days instead of 8 hour days).

bameier · February 2016

With DS he took a week off this time since we have a toddler and I'll likely have a repeat c-section he's taking 2 weeks.

Ashers423 · February 2016

We came home from the hospital on a Sunday and I sent hubby to work that Monday and Tuesday then we had Christmas holiday and New Years
i like the alone time with my baby

ginger819 · February 2016

With DD he took 6 weeks went back for a week and a half then we went on vacation for a week to visit his family. I think only 2 weeks were paid by sick and vacation time and then his new vacation time rolled in the week we went on vacation the rest we had saved our tax return for. I was also working and took 9 weeks off. This time we don't have the finances with me being a SAHM for it so he'll probably take just 2 weeks. Then my mom will stay for a week when I resume babysitting to help me get a toddler, an 8 month old and the newborn on some sort of schedule.

Honestly, I think it drove him a little crazy being home that long. That and he had high expectations for cleanliness and projects getting completed with both of us home that never happened. He knows better this time I hope.

nonniebird · February 2016

Okay, so I kind of sound like a bragging ass, but my husband and I are unsure what to do with his leave, and it sounds like you guys might have a better idea of what would be best. He gets 4 months paid leave to be taken anytime within the baby’s first year. We were thinking a month at the beginning, and then waiting until baby is a little older and more fun to take some more? Maybe taking the weeks between thanksgiving and new years off and then a month the following summer? We could also do something like 6 weeks at the beginning and then long weekends for the rest of the year. What do you guys think would be the best? My job is super flexible, and I work for myself, so I will probably only be working part time for the first year.

bananers · February 2016

nonniebird said:

Okay, so I kind of sound like a bragging ass, but my husband and I are unsure what to do with his leave, and it sounds like you guys might have a better idea of what would be best. He gets 4 months paid leave to be taken anytime within the baby’s first year. We were thinking a month at the beginning, and then waiting until baby is a little older and more fun to take some more? Maybe taking the weeks between thanksgiving and new years off and then a month the following summer? We could also do something like 6 weeks at the beginning and then long weekends for the rest of the year. What do you guys think would be the best? My job is super flexible, and I work for myself, so I will probably only be working part time for the first year.

I would probably have DH take 2-4 weeks off initially and then use the rest later once you're back to work so you can avoid daycare. I know you say you only plan to work part time, but once baby is more active and mobile, it can be really hard to get anything done, even part time work.

katiedidthat · February 2016

With my oldest, DH took off the day he was born (Wednesday) and one day he was in the hospital. Then, he went to work the second day (Friday). We were discharged on Saturday, so he was already off for that. He had Sunday at home then went back to work Monday full time. He did take a half day for our sons first pediatrician appointment, but that was it. And we didn't have family staying or helping either, just us on our own.

With our second, he was a surprise birth, so DH took off the day I was in labor as I went to the hospital at 3am(Wednesday) and took Thursday and Friday to be at the NICU until I was discharged. Then he went back to work Monday and worked 1/2 days in office and 1/2 days from the hospital (there but on his computer almost always) for the first two weeks my son was in the NICU, and went back completely full time the third week. He took a vacation day to bring him home from the hospital and that was it. My parents kept my older son while I was in the hospital and then my husband and I took turns watching him while the other spent time in the NICU at bedside. I spent the half days he was working in office at home doing chores and the evenings at the hospital.

We couldn't afford for him to take any other time off with either birth.

This time he will be working in the hospital where I will deliver, so he will take the day off that I'm in labor/deliver, then go back to work the next. He'll take a half day for discharge and maybe work 3 days a week for the next week (home the other 2). He'd take half days but with an hour and a half commute each way, it's just not cost effective.

We also don't have a cleaning service or a nanny, so I'll be back to taking care of the house and kids as soon as I'm home from the hospital.

1faceinacrowd · February 2016

I feel like the odd ball out here! With my DD, her dad only took 3 days off. I went into labor on a Sunday and he was back at work by Wednesday. He worked at a restaurant and had odd hours, but it worked. I did not have any family helping.

This time, my DH is planning on taking a week, but he doesn't get paid for time off so I think that's all he's going to take. He gets off at 3:30, so it's not really a huge deal for me to be at home with the baby by myself until he gets home. I'm pretty comfortable with him just taking that first week.

Neesey · February 2016

My DH can take up to 12 weeks off. With our son being in the NICU for the first 6 weeks, we both went back part-time to work 4 days after delivery. He went back full time from 2-6 weeks and then took 4 off. We were both exhausted so I was glad he didn't have to go right back to work after our son came home. Plan this time is 4-6 weeks but he may go back part time and stretch that out a bit. We shall see as our best laid plans never seem to work out.

Mrsrundell · February 2016

Ok I know I sound totally lame but what did your husbands do while they were off work with you? I totally understand if you have older children but if it is your first did they help with chores all day, handle the baby while the mom rested or something else entirely? I imagine myself just holding, nursing and sleeping with the baby all day for the first few weeks - it's ok if you all tell me I'm crazy, I seriously don't know! Lol

bananers · February 2016

Mrsrundell said:

Ok I know I sound totally lame but what did your husbands do while they were off work with you? I totally understand if you have older children but if it is your first did they help with chores all day, handle the baby while the mom rested or something else entirely? I imagine myself just holding, nursing and sleeping with the baby all day for the first few weeks - it's ok if you all tell me I'm crazy, I seriously don't know! Lol

We took turns sleeping. We watched a lot of TV while I held/nursed DS on the couch. One would hold the baby so the other could shower, unload the dishwasher, etc. We went out to lunch, to the grocery store, to the doctor together. Honestly a lot of it was just being together. You may think you'll hold the baby all day, but sometimes it's nice to have someone else hold the baby. And DH should get the opportunity to hold the baby and bond too.

nonniebird · February 2016

Yeah, for us the main reason why we think it is so important is for the bonding. DH wants to be a really involved dad and he realizes that that means setting certain priorities from the start.

Edited to add: I realize we have a ton of privilege for DH to work at a place that is so generous with leave. Ultimately we both would eventually like to work part time and be home part time, so that means he needs to really connect with any LOs we have.

Pepper6 · February 2016

Honestly, the first 6 weeks were a sleepless whirlwind that I don't remember a whole lot of specifics. We slept in shifts so we could each get several hours of uninterrupted sleep. Dh did a lot of the physical stuff so I could relax and heal. Then a lot of bonding time and just learning how to do everything.

I am so glad I had the support for several weeks, I can't imagine having to do it alone immediately after birth. More so now with a toddler at home, it will be invaluable to have Dh's help dd get used to the changes too.

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