When To Rejoin a BMB?

cooaladoll · February 2016

So I am way too early in my mind to be asking this question, since I'm in my 2WW of my first cycle after MMC. Though the doc had given me the go ahead to try after this AF, I am keeping myself benched one extra month due to my job and the inconvenience and stress I would incur with having a December due date (I work for Fedex so it's the most stressful time of year and in a man's world I'm trying to move up in, my taking maternity leave at that time would be looked upon quite negatively).

So here it is though. A lot of you have written that this was your O week (and a truly happy "Yippie!" to all of you who are/were). I've also noticed that we all are suffering similar anxieties due to our loss history and moving forward from it.

If you get the BFP this month, at what point will you feel comfortable with joining back up with a new BMB? I have to say I did a little lurking today, and was surprised how many on my previous BMB were 'loss mentioned' posters. But it made me scared again. I don't want to go through a limbo of not having a community, but I don't know if I will feel comfortable in the early weeks getting all excited and getting to know people while I'm in that fearful stage, and yet I wouldn't want to be posting the news here either with so many people so close to their loss. Input and opinions wanted!

RiverSong15 · February 2016

I'm still trying to decide this for myself. I still can't lurk the BMBs because both the blind naïveté and the excessive worrying (when most people will have happy and healthy pregnancies) just hurts my heart. That being said, in my last pregnancy, I was too afraid to join in my BMB and just lurked. All that did was make me feel even more alone when I miscarried and had no one but H to lean on. I guess it will be a game time decision for me.

AL_TwinCities · February 2016

My BMB was so supportive (especially in the PGAL threads) even when I lost the pregnancy. I was glad to have their support when I had to say goodbye. I am not sure if I'll join a BMB the day I get a BFP, but I definitely will by 6 or 7 weeks.

GhanimaAtreides · February 2016

As @AL_TwinCities said, there's usually a PGAL thread within each BMB. I plan on sticking there when I start and after 15 weeks or so branching out. Really just going to play it by ear.

cooaladoll · February 2016

@RiverSong15, I was very selective on which posts I let myself read, avoiding and skimming quickly past the ones I thought would make me overly emo. @AL_TwinCities I had been so excited to start meeting them because as you said everyone seemed so sweet and supportive, but I guess that's partly what brought about this post.

I'm afraid of the possibility of having to say goodbye. With the news of my first BFP I knew the statistics but really just didn't feel like the worst was a possibility that would happen to me. It was enough to tell the family and couple close friends about the loss and feel like I would be the Debbie Downer of the BMB group if I had to tell them as well.

I know that I am totally borrowing trouble right now, but now the statistics feel real since I've ended up becoming one. All of this is of course speculative and hopefully this next time is mine (and everyone else's) successful pregnancy, but I've had a rough couple days falling back into the doldrums after feeling better for a week and a half. I know that's normal, but my head for some reason is overly focused on the what ifs these last couple days.

MissPrint1219 · February 2016

There is a Pregnant After Loss board that I found very helpful. Personally, I found it to be better than the PGAL thread in the BMB, and I doubt I would ever go back to a BMB.

FiancB · February 2016

I've debated this. I joined right away before, and seeing loss threads contributed a lot to my anxiety. I'd imagine they'll just make me more so now. I will probably dip my toes in from time to time but not really participate much until later on. I never said goodbye before, I just ghosted, but then I am also part of a couple other boards that I felt I could lean on.

cooaladoll · February 2016

@GhanimaAtreides (@AL_TwinCities ) I didn't realize they all have a PGAL within them. I just thought it was a separate board of its own. That is good to know. I guess the best of both worlds then? I think I may similarly wait that first trimester out before being official, and just read/post there. I want to be able to be involved in some way since one of my first thoughts about BMB's in general when I first got here was "Awesome! People I can tell my secret to before letting my secret out to the world! "

MissPrint1219 · February 2016

I just lurked the Pregnant After a Loss board and saw several names I recognized from this board. I don't know about y'all, but I love the idea of reuniting on the other side

cooaladoll · February 2016

@MissPrint1219, funny I was just doing the same thing. I was definitely going to join the main PGAL board, but it's so heartening to see that there are more threads than I had thought within the BMBs that are specific to our situations. I guess in my original lurking they never really stood out to me because they weren't something I could relate to at the time. Even with my more recent lurking, I think I skimmed too quickly and just plain missed them. Now that I went back and looked (knowing what I was looking for) I am much more uplifted to see that I again won't be alone. In the meantime I'm so thankful for all of your help, comments and company in this community. Everyone here rocks, and personally I think all of us will be stronger women on the other side, and I really hope that we all will be discussing in these aforementioned boards very soon. Thanks everyone!

cooaladoll · February 2016

@FiancB that's kind of right on with how I feel. Afraid if I join to soon, will it just increase my anxieties? I'm realizing now too that of course the people and atmosphere of all of these boards change from month to month, so I suppose I'll have to take the climate of each board into consideration when the time comes.

beff12 · February 2016

With my pregnancy that ended in a mc, I joined the board pretty much right after I got my BFP. I haven't thought about it much for the next baby, but I really felt genuine support from the May 16 ladies when I posted symptoms and then my subsequent goodbye post. I love the support (mc or not) so I think I'd probably join soon again. Not joining would make me feel like I'm expecting another MC and I don't want to do that to myself.

catiecatp · February 2016

I never got to the point where I joined a BMB with my first pregnancy. After my experiences on this board maybe I'll join one - I think I'll move to the general PGAL board first and then maybe over to the BMB...

NamelessAria · February 2016

Like @FiancB mentioned when I was was on my BMB before (I jumped in immediately the first day I had my BFP) seeing all the loss posts made me incredibly worried/anxious. I don't know if I can handle that again after having been through a loss.

Last time DH really frowned upon me participating in the BMB. He's always been fine with me participating in the TTC board and such but he said the BMB kept me too upset. He was quite insistent at the time that it wasn't good for me to be reading so much bad news and to have it get me so upset. We've agreed that if I get another BFP I won't join a BMB early on when it's so risky. I don't think he'd mind if I joined in the second trimester when it's pretty safe since I doubt it would keep me so upset at that point. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. If/when I get another BFP I plan to mostly avoid forums and participate in the 1st trimester board or the PGAL board until the second trimester. And, ya know, maybe lurk TTGP for the snark.

glamakitti · February 2016

If I am honest prior to my mc I wouldn't have joined any community boards I am a dyed in the wool introvert and find most social situation excruciating. I started participating in the TTCAL because I was becoming overwhelmed by all the emotions I was going through it has really helped and I hope my input has helped others. I will definitely join a PGAL. In the end you will know what feels right for you and if you feel uncomfortable I am sure the members of the BMB would understand and support you.

BornReady · February 2016

I don't think I will join again. I was a minimal member when I was on my BMBs and it usually just made me more anxious than it was worth. I was either the old lady @ 31 or I was freaking out that I was never able to settle in because something bad wasn't going to happen. I think I will stick with PGAL after this positive experience.

chloe97 · February 2016

BornReady said:

I don't think I will join again. I was a minimal member when I was on my BMBs and it usually just made me more anxious than it was worth. I was either the old lady @ 31 or I was freaking out that I was never able to settle in because something bad wasn't going to happen. I think I will stick with PGAL after this positive experience.

Old lady at 31?!? That is ridiculous! We had an AMA thread on mine and there were a bunch of ladies who were older than me at 36. A few in their 40s. The TTC over 35 board has been dead this month bc all the ladies over there got KU-d.

I liked my BMB, but like everyone here- hated the "it's my turn to leave"posts. It would be nice if there was a way to do a weekly running thread that people could use to support folks who suffered a loss. It would be much better than the 1-3 daily posts that show up. I'm not sure how I will feel when I'm KU-d, but I'm really hoping I'm not nearly as worried next time. I just keep thinking to myself that it won't happen next time.

BornReady · February 2016

chloe97 said:

BornReady said:

I don't think I will join again. I was a minimal member when I was on my BMBs and it usually just made me more anxious than it was worth. I was either the old lady @ 31 or I was freaking out that I was never able to settle in because something bad wasn't going to happen. I think I will stick with PGAL after this positive experience.

Old lady at 31?!? That is ridiculous! We had an AMA thread on mine and there were a bunch of ladies who were older than me at 36. A few in their 40s. The TTC over 35 board has been dead this month bc all the ladies over there got KU-d.

@chloe97 Is that not the most ridiculous thing ever?!? I was mortified when someone started one of those "how old are you threads" and the women in their 30's were referred to as the "older moms". I was actually one of the first of my peers to get pregnant at that age and still am one of my only friends to have a child/children. I think it was just a skewed demographic, but it definitely made me feel a little weird. We are far from old!

chloe97 · February 2016

@BornReady same here!! Where I live, people don't even start thinking about TTC until they're 35. I have 2 friends from high school that had babies in their 20s on purpose and the rest of my high school/college friends didn't get started until their 30s.

RiverSong15 · February 2016

chloe97 said:

BornReady said:

I don't think I will join again. I was a minimal member when I was on my BMBs and it usually just made me more anxious than it was worth. I was either the old lady @ 31 or I was freaking out that I was never able to settle in because something bad wasn't going to happen. I think I will stick with PGAL after this positive experience.

Old lady at 31?!? That is ridiculous! We had an AMA thread on mine and there were a bunch of ladies who were older than me at 36. A few in their 40s. The TTC over 35 board has been dead this month bc all the ladies over there got KU-d.

I liked my BMB, but like everyone here- hated the "it's my turn to leave"posts. It would be nice if there was a way to do a weekly running thread that people could use to support folks who suffered a loss. It would be much better than the 1-3 daily posts that show up. I'm not sure how I will feel when I'm KU-d, but I'm really hoping I'm not nearly as worried next time. I just keep thinking to myself that it won't happen next time.

Ugh. Yeah, I hated seeing women still in their late 20s talking about being old. Nope nope nopity nope. As for the end of your post, I'm trying really hard to achieve the mindset that worry accomplishes nothing. I was worried throughout my last pregnancy, and I still MCd. Worry did nothing but make me miserable. It sucks though, because it means I have to accept that I have no control over the outcome. I'm not a fan of not being in control...

mylittleversailles · February 2016

I never really jived with my BMB, but I find it hard to express myself in a large sea of people - most of whom I have absolutely nothing in common with (except that one thing) ya know? I don't know. I'm terrified of everything right now, so I have no answers one way or the other.

I did feel a bit old, too. Also 31. None of my friends irl have kids, but I guess that's partly because they're mostly gay men and commitment-phobic people my age.

chloe97 · February 2016

RiverSong15 said:

chloe97 said:

BornReady said:

I don't think I will join again. I was a minimal member when I was on my BMBs and it usually just made me more anxious than it was worth. I was either the old lady @ 31 or I was freaking out that I was never able to settle in because something bad wasn't going to happen. I think I will stick with PGAL after this positive experience.

Old lady at 31?!? That is ridiculous! We had an AMA thread on mine and there were a bunch of ladies who were older than me at 36. A few in their 40s. The TTC over 35 board has been dead this month bc all the ladies over there got KU-d.

I liked my BMB, but like everyone here- hated the "it's my turn to leave"posts. It would be nice if there was a way to do a weekly running thread that people could use to support folks who suffered a loss. It would be much better than the 1-3 daily posts that show up. I'm not sure how I will feel when I'm KU-d, but I'm really hoping I'm not nearly as worried next time. I just keep thinking to myself that it won't happen next time.

Ugh. Yeah, I hated seeing women still in their late 20s talking about being old. Nope nope nopity nope. As for the end of your post, I'm trying really hard to achieve the mindset that worry accomplishes nothing. I was worried throughout my last pregnancy, and I still MCd. Worry did nothing but make me miserable. It sucks though, because it means I have to accept that I have no control over the outcome. I'm not a fan of not being in control...

This is why I have a hard time on the TTGP board-there is too much complaining about how they are turning 30 soon. OMG the horror! At 30, I was still trying to meet a man who didn't treat me like crap, so yeah not trying to get pregnant. I also hate how they jump down the throats of some ladies who've had MCs and are posting about their weird symptom and haven't found this board. They start with the "you should really temp and read TCOYF" mantra, which I get and I do these things, but have a little compassion. You could have read TCOYF and charted for years and still be completed confounded by your body after MC. Sorry I'm ranting about this, but it's been pissing me off lately!

cooaladoll · February 2016

@beff12 , thinking optimistically and positively like that is an excellent point!

@NamelessAria I have to say both my fiance and my mother were worried about how much I was working myself up with reading about negative possibilities, though for me if it wasn't on the BMB it was on Google searching everything that could go wrong. I do go overboard sometimes with worrying myself needlessly. Though I also do feel that even with all the horrendous things that could happen to a possible child (oh goodness, keep me away from those Zika articles!) I also feel that I got a lot of good info on what I can do to be just that little bit healthier (and stickier) next time round. And I love snark so much that I'm certainly the one giving it if I don't get enough from outside sources ;-)

@glamakitti I'm a secret introvert myself and though I usually come across as outgoing, I internally hate socializing with a passion! A wonderful close group makes it SO much easier for me to feel free to express myself and sometimes even like conversing. TBH I wasn't expecting becoming a part of this community would be so helpful, but I'm elated at how much it has helped me move through this painful process and I'm so glad it has helped you and others too!

@BornReady another great point. The age range was hard for me too. I'll be turning 38 next month, which in my 30's was always the cut off point that I thought I would make for myself on TTC (not that I was specifically trying before last year) but now that I plan to extend it, I just can't, and kind of don't want to, relate to people in their 20's talking about their experience. Talk about something that totally makes me snarky. (Sorry, no offense to anyone who is in their 20's, and I definitely feel different about the age when it comes to a MC. That pain crosses the age borders and I wish no one had to go through that.) PS - don't you dare call 31 old! ;-)

@chloe97 lol'd at "the TTC over 35 board has been dead this month because all the ladies over there got KU-d". That makes me very happy! Agreed that a slightly more supportive thread in the BMBs would be nice, like a pinned 'In Memoriam' thread perhaps, so that people could avoid it and needless worry if they had to but it could be a running support for those who need it.

@reneeannemm I'm still pretty terrified myself as much as I try to allay my fears, but each day has me thinking differently, sometimes more sometimes less optimistic, and who knows how we'll all see this issue once KU'd again. Though I haven't made my final decision on the matter either, it's helped a ton to get so many different opinions and perspectives on the matter.

Glad to see so much positive attitude from everyone in going forward! It's so hard to succeed without that, and I know we all will eventually!

cooaladoll · February 2016

@catiecatp eek I didn't mean to forget you! That's more or less the perspective I have right now too. In fact all of you ladies have me pretty excited to join that PGAL board as soon as possible and then when I migrate to the BMB, if at all, I guess I'll figure out as I get closer to it.

Again, thank you all for weighing in, and I hope I didn't leave anyone out, but if I did thank you too!

chloe97 · February 2016

@cooaladoll Glad to hear there is another TTC over 35 person er over here! I was starting to think I was the only one. As soon I went back there after my MCin Dec, there was like seriously 15 BFPs in like 2 weeks. Now like only 6 people post on the weekly checkins, though some may be benched.

cooaladoll · February 2016

@chloe97 totally! In fact I have to say that is part of what made me feel more comfortable participating in this board, seeing so many other women in their 30's experiencing the same thing and not giving up!

fivetimesnoluck · February 2016

I am interested in all of your various experiences and opinions. For me, I never thought I would find comfort in any of these boards. In the past, when I have lurked (or dipped my toe in) on various BMBs, I found them to be condescending and quick to be cruel. After my third loss, I decided to not even lurk because it really didn't provide any positive value. I couldn't believe what some of the posters harped on, especially considering my shift in perspective of what's important.

I am sure there was plenty of goodness that existed and I don't want to make myself unpopular, but if I read one more post about how stupid someone is for how they wanted to spell a name, or nobody promised "unicorns and rainbows," or how "wrong" someone is for not following the rules of the board.... I just couldn't do it. It felt so unnecessarily harsh and judgmental to me. And yes, sometimes I am a judgmental twat. But really, I try to live by the philosophy that we all have our own opinions about things and they are unique to each of us - and there is more than one way to do something. Just because I don't agree or understand, doesn't mean that you're wrong. (This kind of mentality also contributed to me quitting Facebook. That, and the pregnancy announcements.)

Fast-forward to a month or two ago, I had experienced my fifth loss and as much as I love my husband and friends and they have been so supportive, none of them have had a relatable experience. So I looked at these boards and thought I would give it a shot. I have enjoyed participating here and plan to continue, but I am not sure I would pursue a BMB. Maybe when the time comes, I will try the PGAL...

And to those of you TTC after 35, I am with you! I'll be 38 in May and have no living children. All in due time, I keep saying.

@cooaladoll, @chloe97 and anyone else I missed!

cooaladoll · February 2016

@fivetimesnoluck it's amazing how callous people can be and harp on the dumbest of things. I really hope that if any of us do rejoin a BMB it will be one that (likely just by luck) has a more mature demographic and kinder participants. But however you feel at that time will dictate how you proceed and your attitude and actions of backing away from the toxicity I'm sure has helped you in persevering. I'm so sorry that you have had to suffer for so long and I truly hope that if /when I make it to the PGAL board, I see you (and as many others from here as possible) there with me. And as long as we keep as healthy as possible, age is just a number, right ladies? I mean c'mon, Madonna did it and so can we! ;-)

Edited to add: Lmao at 'judgemental twat'! But you really couldn't have a better philosophy. Love it!

silentP · February 2016

@fivetimesnoluck Preach! It's so hard because you don't want to wish loss on anyone, but anyone who has been through it just automatically has a different perspective. That's why I "like" the loss boards. I doubt I will join a BMB ever again. I am just in a different place.

GhanimaAtreides · February 2016

Count me in for the 35+ group!

It's odd because I was a young mom and now I'm an AMA TTCer. Back then I carried a HUGE chip on my shoulder over being younger (in military culture it's not odd, but civilians sneer in derision if you're under 27). Had BMBs been around then I probably would've been a bit haughty towards the odd "got it together had a career and got married first" 30+ year old FTM who swore she had a bump at 7wks and feeling kicks at 10wks. Glad I'm older now because it's like Facebook. If I don't like what I see, I just keep scrolling.

dpjennifer · February 2016

fivetimesnoluck I absolutely agree! After I got my BFP I had lurked on the BMB but felt no need to join in. I don’t tend to do much forum/chat/blogging type stuff, not because I’m so much an introvert but more because I just don’t tend to go to internet strangers that I barely relate to in order to talk about my life. But after my MC and how much it changed me, I started lurking here and on the MC board and finally decided to try and join in because I needed to talk about it and talk to people who could relate to me in this major aspect of my life. I also may never join a BMB, only lurk again, but this board has meant so much to me in helping me work through my post MC life and I hope to one day ‘graduate’ to the PGAL board with all of you!

BornReady · February 2016

@GhanimaAtreides I hear you on the difference in various social groups. My brother is Army and started his family at 23 years old. I won't even get into what I was doing when I was 22, let's just say is wasn't conducive to being responsible for another human. I'm definitely jealous and wish I had been a younger Mom, but it just wasn't in the cards for me.

chloe97 · February 2016

@GhanimaAtreides and @Bornready I get the difference in social norms, but I just want to add that being over 35 and trying to conceive has not been a source of pride, but instead been a source of shame for me. In fact, not being married until I was 36 or meeting the right person until I was 33 was also a source of shame for me. H taking over a year to propose after we first discussed marriage was a big issue in our relationship and continues to be a big issue as the months tick by and I'm not a mom.

All of this is to say that those "got it together, career-first moms" aren't necessary feeling high and mighty about waiting, but more likely scared to death about their chances and feeling bad about the choices they made that led to be TTC for the first time later in life. Everyone is entitled to their emotions, but 20-somethings complaining about getting older activate that shame center in my brain. I remember feeling that way at 27 as I wasted time on the wrong guys and wondered why no one would date me seriously. It sucked. I would do anything to have 10 extra years with my H and be a younger mom, but that's not how the cards worked out for me unfortunately.

GhanimaAtreides · February 2016

@chloe97 & @BornReady Thank you both for the insight!

RiverSong15 · February 2016

Hugs @choe97! That sounds like a tough spot to be in. H and I aren't in the exact same situation, as we met at a really young age, but we did spend a lot of time in grad school, H in particular. Although we met at 18, we weren't in a position to get married until our late 20s, and weren't in a position to support a child until now, in our early 30s. A lot of this is related our career choices, mine and H's. I regret that sometimes. What helps me is remembering that my marriage and relationship would not have been the same if we rushed things, or if H was in a career he hated. I can't regret choices that have given me the things I love so much about life (My relationship with H, the chance to travel). Life would have been far from perfect if we had gotten married and TTC sooner - if we would have even stayed married under that stress at that age. I'll take our troubles now, when we can face them together, despite how much it sucks sometimes right now.

that's a lot of rambling, when all I wanted to say was I hope you can sort through these feelings, and I'm sending hugs!

mylittleversailles · February 2016

I spent my twenties with a man-child inert from self-doubt and fear of failure. I wasn't opposed to children, but certainly did not love that man-child and would never have wanted to have kids with him. I found myself, moved across the country to be with a woman I'd spent an hour and half with (it didn't work out in that way but it did in every other way) and then suddenly met my DH. He was only 23, I was 28 and we'd known each other 3 months when we got engaged. We worked really hard, got everything in order and realized all we wanted was to start a family. He was everything I didn't know I wanted and needed to have that part of my life fulfilled.

You've all made the choices you had to make, with the emotional tools you had at the time.Life is weird and bumpy and everything's going to be OK.

cooaladoll · February 2016

@GhanimaAtreides Yay another one!

@BornReady I think all the time about how my mother had two kids by 24 and where I was at that age. So mind boggling I can't even wrap my head around it.

@chloe97 I feel where you're coming from. Sometimes I think about where I am in life now compared to where I thought I was going to be and I can't help but be mad at younger self who thought partying, traveling and no children was how I wanted to stay. I had convinced myself that the going no where, never committing, and cheating men that I dated were ok. It wasn't until after 30 that I realized that that life wasn't ok for me, and I was finally able to let the right man in. Though I feel that he couldn't be more perfect (even took the day off today to spend more time with me since he knew I'd had a relapse into the dark blues) he is five years younger than me and, well he's a man, so he doesn't feel the same clock ticking pressure that I do. Though we talked openly about marriage from the second year in, he didn't propose until our fourth together since he was waiting and saving to buy me a decadent ring (something I was on board with at the time but if I'd known how quickly the time would go and that we would hit these rough patches, I totally would have forgone) and we still haven't tied the knot yet. And now here we are. Every time I regret though, I try to remind myself that life would not necessarily have been better if I had made different choices. Perhaps much worse, since my life is very good despite recent downfalls. Try not to beat your hubby up too badly for his decision to wait and please don't be ashamed for TTC now. Part of what I have learned in this experience is how not alone I am, and sometimes how very similar some other woman's situation is, halfway across the world. We will all get through and be better people (and mommies) on the other side.

@RiverSong15 I'm glad your relationship made it through all those stresses and seems the stronger for it on the other side!

@reneeannemm I love your relationship story too and am so glad you found yourself first. Sometimes that's the hardest part and not everyone does in the end (in my opinion).

BornReady · February 2016

@RiverSong15 I can really relate to your comment about meeting young and waiting. We've been together since 23 and married at 25, but grad school for both of us, careers, getting mental health to a good place etc. somehow let years slip away. I'm proud of the relationship DH and I have built and like you, I'm not sure our younger selves would have handled the stress of life TTC or as parents well. Our son was a premie who was/is VERY challenging. Like cried most of the day for almost a whole year. My DH reminds me all the time that if that had happened when we were younger we probably wouldn't still be married... and I agree.

megsbrock · February 2016

@RiverSong15 I also really relate to what your are saying, and thanks for the perspective.

DH and I have been together since high school but we chose to follow many other life adventures before we felt ready to start a family. Sometimes I regret that. But the path we took to get to a place where we are now ready to have a family - wouldn't trade it for the world. And who's to say if we had started TTC years ago in our early twenties, it would have all been sunshine and rainbows?! If it was what we really wanted back then, we would have done it.

chloe97 · February 2016

@cooaladoll It sounds like you and I have similar situations. I really enjoyed the last 10 years of my life and I'm so thankful that I ended up with H- he's seriously the best guy and I can't wait to have a family with him. But as I see the months ticking down and realize that 2 kids may not be an option for us, I get really anxious about it. What if that year was the difference between having 1 and 2 kids? (I always wanted 3!). I know that miscarriage can ruin marriages and I just wonder if this is going to be a strain in our marriage long term.

It's hard for me to live in the present and just let things happen. I wish it were easier, but it's not.

cooaladoll · February 2016

@chloe97 it's almost funny how similar. It's strange how having a man that you know will be an excellent father seems to increase the anxiety about getting there. For me I have a lot of moments of worry that I won't be able to give him that wonderful opportunity. I'm so glad that your relationship is long and happy in all other aspects and I hope you can both find a common ground to weather the strain this is putting on you and the relationship. I found personally that even though me and fiance want to comfort each other for this loss, neither of us are sure how, and there is some distance I feel just because we seem to be experiencing the pain differently. For the guys it was so much more abstract than it was for us. I think we both try to leave off of words because we know we both want the same thing and have the same goal. Instead, and this may be mushy, but we just try to cuddle more. Being silent and just in each others arms helps me a lot. Squeeze him hard whenever I can and let myself cry into his shoulder when I need and encourage him to do the same (tho he doesn't). I gave myself an imaginary cut off of 38 many years ago, and now that I'm about to turn that next month, I have to intentionally remind myself not to freak too much and just keep trying as long as I can. And because I have a brother that I'm very close to I have always wanted any child that I might have to have a sibling. My secret wish is to have twins and that way there's no extra wait for that extra child, lol. Plus, hey our chances are higher for that at this age so I'm letting myself continue to hope that the next BFP is a duo

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