MIL sleep over...?

AmberlyS2012 · February 2016

My MIL hinted a few weeks ago about my (now) 3 month old going home for the night with her... It made me feel uncomfortable and I just laughed like she was joking. Yesterday we went to their house for dinner and she has purchased clothes for their house, a high chair, along with a pack and play and swimming trunks. This is only the second time the baby has went there... She even got him a 6 months pajamas. Well she thought they were six months...they were 6 kids! She put us all in a really awkward position when I was 8 weeks pregnant in starting a fight with my Mom. Needless to say, I only go around her when required. How do I avoid the sleepovers convo? I don't want problems but I am NOT leaving my baby over there.

Disneygeek77 · February 2016

I would just tell her you will let her know when the baby is ready for sleepovers.

Lolo427 · February 2016

I'm a big believer in the direct approach, it sets a tone and your boundaries that allows for little negotiations. "I'm sorry, I'm just not there or comfortable with that." or " I appreciate you doing this all, but right now this is not an option." What she is doing with buying all this stuff, though sweet and excitable was still done without your consent. To me that could be used to add to the guilt factor or to pressure you more. When in doubt if this is too aggressive of an approach with you, then I suppose deflection like PP said is your best bet. "I'll let you know when this is an option."

NurseRieger · February 2016

I say tell your husband to deal with it it's his mom. No one has a worse MIL than I do so I understand. I'm sure she wants more visits and buying all the stuff could be a way of pressuring you. If you're not comfortable with an unsupervised visit don't do it. If she's anything like mine there's going to be a fight so he should just be straight with her. Good luck.

SmrBrd2012 · February 2016

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

How is that awkward? Her MIL is an excited grandma. IMO that's a good thing, not something to criticize. My mom buys something for my kids, even just something small, every time she is at the store. She keeps loads of toys, clothes, cups, snacks, etc for anytime they visit. People on these boards need to lighten up on grandparents. God forbid you are a grandparent one day and buy a cute outfit you see on sale and keep it at your house.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

OP, this is all on you. All you have to do is be honest. Does no one on here understand how excited grandparents are to have grandkids?! I'm told it's almost more fun than having your own children. I bet if she didn't show interest in your baby at all, you'd complain about that too. Grandparents just can't win!

If you don't want your baby staying there, say so but don't read too much into the stuff she buys and keeps at her house. And to say you only go around there when required" is sort of harsh. Unless there is more behind this story than you are telling, I feel bad for your MIL.

Kayciejoe56 · February 2016

^^^ YES! THANK YOU. I get so frustrated reading about everyone being so tough on grandparents! While my mil doesn't do everything just like I would, I appreciate how much love she has for our LO. She has new stuff for him everytime we go there! All throughout life, people are going to have opinions about your parenting. Take what you want and ignore the rest.

If you aren't interested in leaving lo overnight yet, just let her know that. No need to be confrontational about it. Just let her know you aren't ready to be away from him for this long. I would, however, work on facilitating a better relationship for lo and grandma... it's important. And it appears she loves lo, who doesn't want more people around that love your baby?

Sarcasm101 · February 2016

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

My MIL has an entire nursery set up at her house. Is it overkill? Absolutely. But I cant tell you how many times it has come on handy that she has a highchair or an extra onesie.

OP, if you don't want your baby to spend the night, have your H talk to his mom.

KateLouise · February 2016

I agree that you just need to say you're not ready for sleepovers. I have only left my children for sleepovers when I was in the birthing unit having more babies, and DH would stay with me. I couldn't care less if other people want their "fair share" of my child.

Having said that, it is good for children to have close ties with other people who love them, and you never know when you might need a babysitter.

Also you might not visit MIL often, but when you do having a safe place to put a crawling baby down for a nap, and a high chair to sit them in at mealtimes, and you not having to lug stuff to their house will be a win for you, I promise.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

Sarcasm101 said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

My MIL has an entire nursery set up at her house. Is it overkill? Absolutely. But I cant tell you how many times it has come on handy that she has a highchair or an extra onesie.
OP, if you don't want your baby to spend the night, have your H talk to his mom.

2 of the 4 bedrooms at my mom's house are for my kids! She wants them each to have their own room. But I DO let my mom keep them overnight when DH I want a whole night to ourselves. I trust her completely and my kids love her.

SmrBrd2012 · February 2016

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

How is that awkward? Her MIL is an excited grandma. IMO that's a good thing, not something to criticize. My mom buys something for my kids, even just something small, every time she is at the store. She keeps loads of toys, clothes, cups, snacks, etc for anytime they visit. People on these boards need to lighten up on grandparents. God forbid you are a grandparent one day and buy a cute outfit you see on sale and keep it at your house.

I think it completely depends on the family. It was clear from OPs post that there's been some history of issues in the past and that they don't currently go over there very often. I just personally think it's presumptuous to buy a bunch of stuff in hopes that it'll push the parents to let their little sleep over. Also, kids grow out of clothes so fast that it just seems silly to keep clothes over there. I go to my mom's a bunch but if she buys my son clothes, she gives them to me and doesn't "hold them hostage" at her place. I totally see where you're coming from and maybe it is as simple as MIL being an excited grandma. I just personally got the drift that it was something more manipulative.

NurseRieger · February 2016

It all depends on everyone's situation. Obviously from the post there's family issues and you can't leave baby with someone you're not comfortable with. My son has his own room at my parents house because he spends nights there once or twice a week while I work and my mom has bought pjs for him and I'm greatful for everything. I set up their house with the crib, changing table, high chair, etc. I am biased when it comes to MIL drama bec

NurseRieger · February 2016

Oops. Sorry. Because of mine. And my great grandmother, she was horrible to my grandmother and my grandfather just let them go at it and never stood up for my grandma. I just think it's a husband's job to deal with his family, it's not up to the wife to be in conflict with his mother.

Lolo427 · February 2016

NurseRieger said:

It all depends on everyone's situation. Obviously from the post there's family issues and you can't leave baby with someone you're not comfortable with. My son has his own room at my parents house because he spends nights there once or twice a week while I work and my mom has bought pjs for him and I'm greatful for everything. I set up their house with the crib, changing table, high chair, etc. I am biased when it comes to MIL drama bec

I totally agree, this is completely relationship dependant and it's clear that OP isn't comfortable with MIL. That being said if MIL is out buying this stuff maybe she is unaware (or blatantly refuses to acknowledge) that thier relationship is strained and it's up to OP to set boundaries she's comfortable with. I'm of the polar opposite world where I get aggravated that people feel as those grandparents have certain rights with grandkids. Some relationships just don't allow for grandparents to watch the kids and that seems to be a totally unacceptable thing for (some, not all) outsiders. I think there's so many factors: relationship, culture, situation. For me going to a relative- no matter what they are to me- and them having stuff for my child (particularly if they didn't consult me on the big items) would be a big put off. It causes a sense of guilt and pressure though intentioned well. Maybe I'm not comfortable with a child having or using some things bought and now have to figure out how to maneuver that conversation as well. A lot of factors.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

SmrBrd2012 said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

How is that awkward? Her MIL is an excited grandma. IMO that's a good thing, not something to criticize. My mom buys something for my kids, even just something small, every time she is at the store. She keeps loads of toys, clothes, cups, snacks, etc for anytime they visit. People on these boards need to lighten up on grandparents. God forbid you are a grandparent one day and buy a cute outfit you see on sale and keep it at your house.

I think it completely depends on the family. It was clear from OPs post that there's been some history of issues in the past and that they don't currently go over there very often. I just personally think it's presumptuous to buy a bunch of stuff in hopes that it'll push the parents to let their little sleep over. Also, kids grow out of clothes so fast that it just seems silly to keep clothes over there. I go to my mom's a bunch but if she buys my son clothes, she gives them to me and doesn't "hold them hostage" at her place. I totally see where you're coming from and maybe it is as simple as MIL being an excited grandma. I just personally got the drift that it was something more manipulative.

Why do you assume she bought these items to "push the parents to let their little sleep over"? Maybe she just wanted to have these things on hand. And I'm sorry but "hold them hostage"?! We are talking about baby clothes, right? That's an awfully dramatic statement.

People need to chill. None of this is that big of deal but it's probably a HUGE deal to grandparents.

ondabianca · February 2016

Bigboobsmcgee said:

OP, this is all on you. All you have to do is be honest. Does no one on here understand how excited grandparents are to have grandkids?! I'm told it's almost more fun than having your own children. I bet if she didn't show interest in your baby at all, you'd complain about that too. Grandparents just can't win!
If you don't want your baby staying there, say so but don't read too much into the stuff she buys and keeps at her house. And to say you only go around there when required" is sort of harsh. Unless there is more behind this story than you are telling, I feel bad for your MIL.

I agree. Actually I wish my lil one had the chance to have regular interaction with his grandparents. My parents are several states away...in person visits will be limited to just two of three times a year. Both my MIL and FIL have health issues that does not allow them to be as active as they like (we visit but there's no way either could keep LO alone, much less overnight). I see a lot of negative posts about grandparents and while I understand there may be other issues it makes me sad because many don't realize the blessing they have (even if its overbearing at times).

kjacks6347 · February 2016

I feel you OP. I really do. I'm not trying to do crazy guilt or anything...but as someone who just lost her mother one of my bigger regrets in life is that I didn't let her be the crazy grandma that she wanted to be. You should have boundaries and don't do things that you aren't comfortable with, however, you might want to give a little. It's the small things that matter.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

ondabianca said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

OP, this is all on you. All you have to do is be honest. Does no one on here understand how excited grandparents are to have grandkids?! I'm told it's almost more fun than having your own children. I bet if she didn't show interest in your baby at all, you'd complain about that too. Grandparents just can't win!
If you don't want your baby staying there, say so but don't read too much into the stuff she buys and keeps at her house. And to say you only go around there when required" is sort of harsh. Unless there is more behind this story than you are telling, I feel bad for your MIL.

I agree. Actually I wish my lil one had the chance to have regular interaction with his grandparents. My parents are several states away...in person visits will be limited to just two of three times a year. Both my MIL and FIL have health issues that does not allow them to be as active as they like (we visit but there's no way either could keep LO alone, much less overnight). I see a lot of negative posts about grandparents and while I understand there may be other issues it makes me sad because many don't realize the blessing they have (even if its overbearing at times).

My mom, who is fabulous, is the only grandparent my kids see regularly. Everyone else lives super far away. It's sad.

NurseRieger · February 2016

Bigboobsmcgee said:

ondabianca said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

OP, this is all on you. All you have to do is be honest. Does no one on here understand how excited grandparents are to have grandkids?! I'm told it's almost more fun than having your own children. I bet if she didn't show interest in your baby at all, you'd complain about that too. Grandparents just can't win!
If you don't want your baby staying there, say so but don't read too much into the stuff she buys and keeps at her house. And to say you only go around there when required" is sort of harsh. Unless there is more behind this story than you are telling, I feel bad for your MIL.

I agree. Actually I wish my lil one had the chance to have regular interaction with his grandparents. My parents are several states away...in person visits will be limited to just two of three times a year. Both my MIL and FIL have health issues that does not allow them to be as active as they like (we visit but there's no way either could keep LO alone, much less overnight). I see a lot of negative posts about grandparents and while I understand there may be other issues it makes me sad because many don't realize the blessing they have (even if its overbearing at times).

My mom, who is fabulous, is the only grandparent my kids see regularly. Everyone else lives super far away. It's sad.

All my extended family is far, I'm lucky enough to have all 4 grandparents still but they have too many health issues to come down and traveling with a baby is an ordeal plus I can't take time off work until summer. It's really hard and I worry about something happening to one of them before they ever see my boy. My MIL was abusive and basically a monster and dh and I haven't spoken to her in 7 years (which is a good thing) we see some of his extended family occasionally and FIL has seen the baby 3 times total in nearly 6 months. We are lucky to have my parents and the friends who are his godparents. I have no siblings either and he will be my only child so I feel bad that he doesn't even have cousins. I atleast had cousins growing up.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

NurseRieger said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

ondabianca said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

OP, this is all on you. All you have to do is be honest. Does no one on here understand how excited grandparents are to have grandkids?! I'm told it's almost more fun than having your own children. I bet if she didn't show interest in your baby at all, you'd complain about that too. Grandparents just can't win!
If you don't want your baby staying there, say so but don't read too much into the stuff she buys and keeps at her house. And to say you only go around there when required" is sort of harsh. Unless there is more behind this story than you are telling, I feel bad for your MIL.

I agree. Actually I wish my lil one had the chance to have regular interaction with his grandparents. My parents are several states away...in person visits will be limited to just two of three times a year. Both my MIL and FIL have health issues that does not allow them to be as active as they like (we visit but there's no way either could keep LO alone, much less overnight). I see a lot of negative posts about grandparents and while I understand there may be other issues it makes me sad because many don't realize the blessing they have (even if its overbearing at times).

My mom, who is fabulous, is the only grandparent my kids see regularly. Everyone else lives super far away. It's sad.

All my extended family is far, I'm lucky enough to have all 4 grandparents still but they have too many health issues to come down and traveling with a baby is an ordeal plus I can't take time off work until summer. It's really hard and I worry about something happening to one of them before they ever see my boy. My MIL was abusive and basically a monster and dh and I haven't spoken to her in 7 years (which is a good thing) we see some of his extended family occasionally and FIL has seen the baby 3 times total in nearly 6 months. We are lucky to have my parents and the friends who are his godparents. I have no siblings either and he will be my only child so I feel bad that he doesn't even have cousins. I atleast had cousins growing up.

I'm convinced all families have problems and none of them are perfect! I also want my kids to have cousins and family they are close to but I have to work with what I've got! lol

GoogleMD · February 2016

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

How is that awkward? Her MIL is an excited grandma. IMO that's a good thing, not something to criticize. My mom buys something for my kids, even just something small, every time she is at the store. She keeps loads of toys, clothes, cups, snacks, etc for anytime they visit. People on these boards need to lighten up on grandparents. God forbid you are a grandparent one day and buy a cute outfit you see on sale and keep it at your house.

I think it completely depends on the family. It was clear from OPs post that there's been some history of issues in the past and that they don't currently go over there very often. I just personally think it's presumptuous to buy a bunch of stuff in hopes that it'll push the parents to let their little sleep over. Also, kids grow out of clothes so fast that it just seems silly to keep clothes over there. I go to my mom's a bunch but if she buys my son clothes, she gives them to me and doesn't "hold them hostage" at her place. I totally see where you're coming from and maybe it is as simple as MIL being an excited grandma. I just personally got the drift that it was something more manipulative.

Why do you assume she bought these items to "push the parents to let their little sleep over"? Maybe she just wanted to have these things on hand. And I'm sorry but "hold them hostage"?! We are talking about baby clothes, right? That's an awfully dramatic statement.
People need to chill. None of this is that big of deal but it's probably a HUGE deal to grandparents.

You have a very 1 sided view of this, and while your kids are blessed with great grandparents that is not the case for everyone.

My MIL has done many selfish and manipulative things over the course of my 5 year marriage. She has seen my son 3 times since November, she will never get sleep overs or unsupervised visits. We discussed certain boundaries before Christmas, she repeated them said she understood. Then tried to do it anyways thinking we would cave in front of all the family. Each time she has seen him she has tried to undermine me. We have told her multiple times LO will not be spending the night away anytime soon, and she still bought him christmas pjs and acted upset when we told her he wouldn't be there (he was 5 weeks old and BF at the time)

So, yes if she bought a bunch baby gear and clothes I would view that as her once again trying to manipulate us to get what she wants, even though we have told her we are not even entertaining the idea of sleep overs until he weans.

This is based on her behavior, my son sees my parents all the time. They baby sit frequently and I imagine he will grow to have a close relationship with them. However, they have always respected our decisions, and we can trust them.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

GoogleMD said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

That's so awkward. Who buys clothes for a baby just to keep them at their house? Lots of moms aren't comfortable with having baby do overnights while they're under a year. I just let my little guy go overnight with the in laws when he was 7.5 months old. I agree to just be upfront about it if she flat out asks you. No point in avoiding it. Say you're not ready for sleepovers yet. If she pushes, you should have your H talk to her. How does he feel about it?

How is that awkward? Her MIL is an excited grandma. IMO that's a good thing, not something to criticize. My mom buys something for my kids, even just something small, every time she is at the store. She keeps loads of toys, clothes, cups, snacks, etc for anytime they visit. People on these boards need to lighten up on grandparents. God forbid you are a grandparent one day and buy a cute outfit you see on sale and keep it at your house.

I think it completely depends on the family. It was clear from OPs post that there's been some history of issues in the past and that they don't currently go over there very often. I just personally think it's presumptuous to buy a bunch of stuff in hopes that it'll push the parents to let their little sleep over. Also, kids grow out of clothes so fast that it just seems silly to keep clothes over there. I go to my mom's a bunch but if she buys my son clothes, she gives them to me and doesn't "hold them hostage" at her place. I totally see where you're coming from and maybe it is as simple as MIL being an excited grandma. I just personally got the drift that it was something more manipulative.

Why do you assume she bought these items to "push the parents to let their little sleep over"? Maybe she just wanted to have these things on hand. And I'm sorry but "hold them hostage"?! We are talking about baby clothes, right? That's an awfully dramatic statement.
People need to chill. None of this is that big of deal but it's probably a HUGE deal to grandparents.

You have a very 1 sided view of this, and while your kids are blessed with great grandparents that is not the case for everyone.

My MIL has done many selfish and manipulative things over the course of my 5 year marriage. She has seen my son 3 times since November, she will never get sleep overs or unsupervised visits. We discussed certain boundaries before Christmas, she repeated them said she understood. Then tried to do it anyways thinking we would cave in front of all the family. Each time she has seen him she has tried to undermine me. We have told her multiple times LO will not be spending the night away anytime soon, and she still bought him christmas pjs and acted upset when we told her he wouldn't be there (he was 5 weeks old and BF at the time)

So, yes if she bought a bunch baby gear and clothes I would view that as her once again trying to manipulate us to get what she wants, even though we have told her we are not even entertaining the idea of sleep overs until he weans.

This is based on her behavior, my son sees my parents all the time. They baby sit frequently and I imagine he will grow to have a close relationship with them. However, they have always respected our decisions, and we can trust them.

No kidding? Glad you pointed that out to me.

It's awfully forward to assume my children are "blessed with great grandparents" when you don't actually know anything about me or my family. My observation from the years I've been on these boards is that people are awfully quick to keep their kids from family members, especially grandparents and a lot of the time I think it's over the top. That's why I'm saying what I am in this thread. For me personally, it would take a LOT for me to keep my kids from my in-laws or parents and my family is FAR from perfect.

wulfpackgirl · February 2016

Not many moms are ready for their three month old to spend the night off with anyone!

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