Baby Shower??????

amazinglykim · February 2016

I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant with my second child (a boy). My first was a girl and she will be 13 this year. Since I was really young at the time of my first pregnancy I wasn't "allowed" to have a shower and had to scrape together all the essentials on my own. I'm extremely excited at the thought of having my first shower but I've been getting a lot of backlash about it because this will be my 2nd child, also because the father and I are no longer together even though we're maintaining some kind of friendship for our son. I have a lot of stress going on as it is, and the comments from friends and family about the shower is making it worse, and is also very hurtful. I'm not wanting a shower for the gifts (although it'd be helpful), I'm wanting the actual experience. Should I feel bad about having a shower, should I give in and not even bother having one? Any advice would be amazing, thank you!

CopperLane · February 2016

Maybe a meet and greet after the baby is born will be good. I'm sorry your friends and family are making this difficult for you, it sounds like you've already been through enough with the baby's dad splitting up.

Giving everyone the opportunity to come visit you and baby at a specific time will allow everyone to meet the baby at once, and you'll have your get together to celebrate this little bundle of love. Also, having a group together may make others less likely to say anything rude or distasteful to you. And if someone does say something, you'll have plenty of other people to distract yourself with.

RMLandy · February 2016

You're going to get lots of differing opinions on this. If someone else is throwing you the shower and you're graciously accepting their thoughtful kindness, I say who cares what people say. Tell them to take it up with the host. If you're throwing your own shower(which by your post it seems like you are??) for your first, second or any child well... I'm sorry but that's tacky.

AmberLiz99 · February 2016

If someone is willing to host one for you take them up on it! It's been 13 years, you've never had one before, and anyone who gives you a hard time about it has WAY too much time or energy on their hands to criticize such a little thing. I wouldn't throw it for yourself, just because I don't think throwing any party for yourself is really a good idea, but I do think if you have one you shouldn't feel bad at all.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

amazinglykim said:

I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant with my second child (a boy). My first was a girl and she will be 13 this year. Since I was really young at the time of my first pregnancy I wasn't "allowed" to have a shower and had to scrape together all the essentials on my own. I'm extremely excited at the thought of having my first shower but I've been getting a lot of backlash about it because this will be my 2nd child, also because the father and I are no longer together even though we're maintaining some kind of friendship for our son. I have a lot of stress going on as it is, and the comments from friends and family about the shower is making it worse, and is also very hurtful. I'm not wanting a shower for the gifts (although it'd be helpful), I'm wanting the actual experience. Should I feel bad about having a shower, should I give in and not even bother having one? Any advice would be amazing, thank you!

So from what I understand, you have already told friends and family that you plan on hosting your own shower, and they are advising you against do so? Sounds like you already have your answer- hosting a shower for yourself is a bad idea. Host a meet and greet after your baby is born; you'll have a positive baby party experience and no could possibly bad mouth you about it.

amazinglykim · February 2016

My mother, gf, daughter and cousin all came to me about having a shower. All they asked was for me to make a guest list with addresses for them. That's what I've been putting together and that's where I've been getting the negative comments about it being my 2nd child and about my "situation" not being a normal one.

WinniethePoohsPants · February 2016

amazinglykim said:

My mother, gf, daughter and cousin all came to me about having a shower. All they asked was for me to make a guest list with addresses for them. That's what I've been putting together and that's where I've been getting the negative comments about it being my 2nd child and about my "situation" not being a normal one.

I normally side eye showers for a 2nd baby, BUT 13 years is a long time between babies and combined with the fact that you didn't have a shower with your first born I'd say go for it. Anyone who doesn't want to come doesn't have to come- let your host deal with the rsvps and with any nay-sayers.

Rosehip15 · February 2016

amazinglykim said:

My mother, gf, daughter and cousin all came to me about having a shower. All they asked was for me to make a guest list with addresses for them. That's what I've been putting together and that's where I've been getting the negative comments about it being my 2nd child and about my "situation" not being a normal one.

Don't sweat it. Your family has happily offered to throw you a shower. Enjoy it. The scrooges can stay home.

PinkLady2015 · February 2016

amazinglykim said:

My mother, gf, daughter and cousin all came to me about having a shower. All they asked was for me to make a guest list with addresses for them. That's what I've been putting together and that's where I've been getting the negative comments about it being my 2nd child and about my "situation" not being a normal one.

lurking from July, but tell all these naysayers to fuck off... enjoy your shower and your new baby

Hbraun200 · February 2016

My mom had a similar situation she had me at 20 well 20 years later at 40 she decided to have another! Her husband never had a child before and obviously she didn't keep a thing bc after so many years you don't really plan to have anymore. Lol anywho! I put together a shower for her with the help of my aunt. Some people thought it was awesome others bashed! As long as someone else is hosting I say go for it, if not, don't host for yourself!

carrieandbabybean · February 2016

Heck yes! Have the shower! Have one for every kid. You gave gifts to everyone else for theirs, right!? If some invitees don't want to come, they don't have to! If they say, "OMG, I can't believe she's throwing her own shower," let them! So what. I just can't stand how so many people hate on mamas needing things for their babies and wanting the love and attention of their family and friends. Haters gonna hate.

catherinekate · February 2016

Seconding all these replies. If these debbie downers don't want to come, they don't have to. But you should absolutely let your family host a shower for you. And congratulations!

mar101483 · February 2016

Have a shower and enjoy it! I am a FTM and cannot wait for my baby shower! If it's anything like my Bridal shower, it will be a blast! The gifts are great, but the experience and getting to see all my loved ones was even better.
Also, best friend had her son at 19 and just had her daughter at 30. Her mil threw her an amazing shower and I don't think a single person said anything negative.
If people have negative opinions, they should get some class and keep them to themselves, or just not com

mom2beEbby · February 2016

I say screw all of this etiquette crap and have your shower. Even if you were throwing it for yourself, you see who your real support system is by who shows up. You want it, you should have it. If these people are being judgmental about the baby shower, I darn sure am NOT planning something special for them to meet my baby! Do your shower! Are you in MD? I would come and bring a gift. #grumpyPregnantLadyHere lol

cy&damonsmommy · February 2016

I am in the same situation. My first child is almost 12. I didn't get a baby shower with him because my parents said no. Thus time around we need everything because we have to start all over, like being a ftm, and I'm excited to have a shower. Honestly though my family is not excited about this baby so I'm afraid no one will throw me one. So be glad your family wants to and enjoy the experience. Congrats on your little bundle.

RMLandy · February 2016

ENJOY YOUR SHOWER! If someone doesn't approve, they do not have to attend. Let the host deal with the negativity.

mar101483 · February 2016

I will add, I know someone who, is pregnant with her 4th, has a 2 1/2 yr old and is posting pics of things she wants/needs for her upcoming baby on fb and stating she's thinking of throwing herself a small shower to get what she needs. And also stated that she is posting what she needs because she knows she doesn't have a lot of "real" friends anymore and she's hoping people will buy these things for her. I think that is tacky, not your friend hosting you a shower, when your other child is 12.

kayla2536 · February 2016

mar101483 said:

I will add, I know someone who, is pregnant with her 4th, has a 2 1/2 yr old and is posting pics of things she wants/needs for her upcoming baby on fb and stating she's thinking of throwing herself a small shower to get what she needs. And also stated that she is posting what she needs because she knows she doesn't have a lot of "real" friends anymore and she's hoping people will buy these things for her. I think that is tacky, not your friend hosting you a shower, when your other child is 12.

What the hell! That's kind of like my DHs cousin. One has 4 kids (from 4 months-8 years old) and I've definitely been to multiple showers for her! They're all closer in age too. I never thought about the second+ shower thing before I got pregnant and now I'm totally side-eyeing in retrospect. Another cousin of his did the same thing, 3 kids aged 6 months-7 years!

amazinglykim · February 2016

Thank you everyone for your support, advice and input! I've been really down about all of this and you all have definitely lifted my spirits and made me feel more confident! Thank you again!

gnevah · February 2016

Tell those fools with the bad attitudes that they don't have to come then. You enjoy your shower! I personally wouldn't even care if you were organizing it yourself or not. Sounds like when you were young other people imposed their "rules" on u, don't let others peoples small minded rules ruin it for u this time around. He's your baby and you should be able to celebrate him with those that love you. Have a great time and tell us how it went!

breebol89 · February 2016

I think everyone deserves a shower! I am in your same situation, where my babies father and I aren't together anymore but having a good relationship for our son as well, and I feel like especially in your situation, you deserve as much help as you can get. I would imagine You will be doing it a lot on your own even if baby's dad is super involved. I'm sure when your sweet baby comes, nobody will even care if you had a shower or not and will be the last of their worries.

little_bren · February 2016

They don't have to go. Someone offered and those who are supportive don't have to go. After 13 years, you're starting over anyway.

heathersaysso · February 2016

The idea of a baby shower, to my understanding, is to celebrate the new life and to help the parents prepare for the baby. If your last baby is getting ready for high school, there's no rational expectation for you to have kept baby items to use for your new child. I don't understand why people would be hateful about that at all. Then again on another board I read someone saying that announcing the gender at a baby shower was an attempt to manipulate people into buying neutral colored baby clothes. People are weird as hell. Regardless, I think you deserve a shower to celebrate your little guy and anyone who doesn't want to come doesn't have to. Just remember to be modest with your registry and people will have no cause to complain.

MissSaritaF · February 2016

I honestly don't see anything wrong with throwing your own shower. People who are against it, typically have a lot of great, supportive and local family and friends. Not every woman is in that situation, but you still need things or you may just want a nice celebration. So I say, if it is going to make you happy, go for it! Don't live your life trying to please other people who aren't going to be around when your struggling to buy everything on your own. Plus, I am learning that some of your biggest supporters come out when you announce the baby and they WANT to come to a baby shower, no matter who is throwing it.

huskypuppy14 · February 2016

MissSaritaF said:

I honestly don't see anything wrong with throwing your own shower. People who are against it, typically have a lot of great, supportive and local family and friends. Not every woman is in that situation, but you still need things or you may just want a nice celebration. So I say, if it is going to make you happy, go for it! Don't live your life trying to please other people who aren't going to be around when your struggling to buy everything on your own. Plus, I am learning that some of your biggest supporters come out when you announce the baby and they WANT to come to a baby shower, no matter who is throwing it.

Clearly etiquette isn't your strength.

The OPs situation is fine, throwing your own shower is not.

aoliveira0726 · February 2016

MissSaritaF said:

I honestly don't see anything wrong with throwing your own shower. People who are against it, typically have a lot of great, supportive and local family and friends. Not every woman is in that situation, but you still need things or you may just want a nice celebration. So I say, if it is going to make you happy, go for it! Don't live your life trying to please other people who aren't going to be around when your struggling to buy everything on your own. Plus, I am learning that some of your biggest supporters come out when you announce the baby and they WANT to come to a baby shower, no matter who is throwing it.

I agree with you. What we decided to do to not seem tacky or rude is we are still planning our own shower but my mom is putting her name on it so it looks like she is throwing it. But we are doing the planning and footing the bill and she is willing to help with whatever we need

HBamama2B · February 2016

aoliveira0726 said:

MissSaritaF said:

I honestly don't see anything wrong with throwing your own shower. People who are against it, typically have a lot of great, supportive and local family and friends. Not every woman is in that situation, but you still need things or you may just want a nice celebration. So I say, if it is going to make you happy, go for it! Don't live your life trying to please other people who aren't going to be around when your struggling to buy everything on your own. Plus, I am learning that some of your biggest supporters come out when you announce the baby and they WANT to come to a baby shower, no matter who is throwing it.

I agree with you. What we decided to do to not seem tacky or rude is we are still planning our own shower but my mom is putting her name on it so it looks like she is throwing it. But we are doing the planning and footing the bill and she is willing to help with whatever we need

*Sigh* OP never had any intention of throwing her own shower, second or otherwise. I feel like neither of you read the thread and both just popped in to push your defense of your decisions.

(Also-The fact that you have to hide that you are throwing your own shower, is a really strong indicator that IT IS tacky and rude.)

TheHauntedHauswife · February 2016

I'm in agreement with (most of) what was said. Let your mom, etc. throw it. Try to stay out of it beyond guest list and whatever else your hosts ask of you. But you are completely just in having one 12 years later never having had one in the first place. I think this is a case where even a 'second' shower would have been justified even if you had had your own. Also i'm really confused why anyone on your guest list is tossing their negative feelings at you, you aren't throwing the shower, you aren't hosting the shower, the shower wasn't your idea.

alishajade12 · February 2016

Absolutely have a shower!! Where I'm from you have a shower for your first child, if your second is the opposite sex or it's been a few years then you have another one! For anyone to tell you it's wrong to have a shower is stupid on their behalf. You will need a lot of stuff and the extra help is great! Even if they just bring you diapers.. It's money you won't have to spend. And 13 years, a lot has changed!

stillcozy · February 2016

*lurking*
op I'm so sorry you have people being so negative to you! You deserve to be able to enjoy a shower that people who love you want to throw for you and have the experience of it!

Screw the haters and judgy mcjudgers enjoy yourself and remember to disinvite and cut out the rude unnecessary people from your life!

[Deleted User] · February 2016

Lindsayleigh1989 said:

*lurking*
op I'm so sorry you have people being so negative to you! You deserve to be able to enjoy a shower that people who love you want to throw for you and have the experience of it!

Screw the haters and judgy mcjudgers enjoy yourself and remember to disinvite and cut out the rude unnecessary people from your life!

*lurking as well*

@lindsayleigh1989 Telling someone the facts of etiquette is not being a "hater". A baby shower is welcoming someone to motherhood. If OP is already a mother it is TECHNICALLY against etiquette. Like If someone had a wedding and then had a vow renewal several years later it would be super weird and inappropriate to want a bridal shower for the renewal - even if the bride never had a shower for the wedding. I think anyone being against the shower in regards to OP's romantic relationship is silly and that is absolutely not a breach of etiquette. But it is a fact that the entire point of a shower is showering the MTB with gifts - hence the term shower. People pointing these things out are just stating facts not being... "judgy mcjudgers" - do you see the difference?

Frankly I think the best friends and best supporters are the ones who let their friends know when they are being inappropriate - NOT the people who just scream "Screw the haters!".

(edited to add that I don't think this is a hugely offensive breach of etiquette when the children are so far apart, I have happily attended showers like this several times as long as the MTB is gracious about it. It just bugs me when people refer to etiquette as "hate" or whatever. Etiquette isn't there because people hate you - it's there to guide the majority of the population to prevent people from using the friends and family)

PinkLady2015 · February 2016

antoto said:

Lindsayleigh1989 said:

*lurking*
op I'm so sorry you have people being so negative to you! You deserve to be able to enjoy a shower that people who love you want to throw for you and have the experience of it!

Screw the haters and judgy mcjudgers enjoy yourself and remember to disinvite and cut out the rude unnecessary people from your life!

*lurking as well*

@lindsayleigh1989 Telling someone the facts of etiquette is not being a "hater". A baby shower is welcoming someone to motherhood. If OP is already a mother it is TECHNICALLY against etiquette. Like If someone had a wedding and then had a vow renewal several years later it would be super weird and inappropriate to want a bridal shower for the renewal - even if the bride never had a shower for the wedding. I think anyone being against the shower in regards to OP's romantic relationship is silly and that is absolutely not a breach of etiquette. But it is a fact that the entire point of a shower is showering the MTB with gifts - hence the term shower. People pointing these things out are just stating facts not being... "judgy mcjudgers" - do you see the difference?

Frankly I think the best friends and best supporters are the ones who let their friends know when they are being inappropriate - NOT the people who just scream "Screw the haters!".

(edited to add that I don't think this is a hugely offensive breach of etiquette, I have happily attended showers like this several times as long as the MTB is gracious about it. It just bugs me when people refer to etiquette as "hate" or whatever)

Did you read the thread antoto? Nearly everyone single poster agreed that 13 years later and not having an original shower to begin with and the fact that people are offering to host for her, is not a breach of etiquette...

[Deleted User] · February 2016

PinkLady2015 said:

antoto said:

Lindsayleigh1989 said:

*lurking*
op I'm so sorry you have people being so negative to you! You deserve to be able to enjoy a shower that people who love you want to throw for you and have the experience of it!

Screw the haters and judgy mcjudgers enjoy yourself and remember to disinvite and cut out the rude unnecessary people from your life!

*lurking as well*

@lindsayleigh1989 Telling someone the facts of etiquette is not being a "hater". A baby shower is welcoming someone to motherhood. If OP is already a mother it is TECHNICALLY against etiquette. Like If someone had a wedding and then had a vow renewal several years later it would be super weird and inappropriate to want a bridal shower for the renewal - even if the bride never had a shower for the wedding. I think anyone being against the shower in regards to OP's romantic relationship is silly and that is absolutely not a breach of etiquette. But it is a fact that the entire point of a shower is showering the MTB with gifts - hence the term shower. People pointing these things out are just stating facts not being... "judgy mcjudgers" - do you see the difference?

Frankly I think the best friends and best supporters are the ones who let their friends know when they are being inappropriate - NOT the people who just scream "Screw the haters!".

(edited to add that I don't think this is a hugely offensive breach of etiquette, I have happily attended showers like this several times as long as the MTB is gracious about it. It just bugs me when people refer to etiquette as "hate" or whatever)

Did you read the thread antoto? Nearly everyone single poster agreed that 13 years later and not having an original shower to begin with and the fact that people are offering to host for her, is not a breach of etiquette...

I did, thanks. I mostly gathered that there were several people in this thread who are pretty unaware of etiquette. One of the posters even had QUITE an intense thread response over her baby shower recently because of her complete lack of etiquette understanding. This example OP is proposing is still technically a breach of etiquette (although I think generally seen as an extremely mild one). Etiquette is still etiquette even if several people in this thread disagree with it. According to Miss Manners (the authority on all things etiquette) “a shower is held for the purpose of showering a novice with the equipment she did not need in her previous state, but which is essential in the life she is about to enter… showers are not needed for women having their second, or eighth, babies…”

I was commenting not that OP shouldn't have the shower (referencing my above post - I have personally attended several of this nature) I was commenting that etiquette is not "haters".

aoliveira0726 · February 2016

Can anyone advise what the etiquette is for inviting coworkers/boss? Im not super close with them but theyre aware im pregnant and im not sure an invite is required.

agillespie15 · February 2016

I agree!!!!!! If your family wants to do it for you, let them!! I don't understand this whole "not a typical situation" thing or whatever u said. Babies are born to all different types of mothers, in all different types of situations!! Just because your situation is not "traditional" per se, doesn't mean you shouldn't get to have a shower!!! That baby is still very special, and that's what a shower is for, is to buy for the baby!!!!! Geez what kind of ppl do u live around?? I was 16 when I had my first baby and had two showers. He's 20 now, and that was back in the 90s. My youngest is 14, I have 3 boys (20,17 and 14) and I'm 21 weeks preggo w my only girl. My family is giving me a shower..... I say relish in it and let your family do one.

Bringmemylongswordho · February 2016

aoliveira0726 said:

Can anyone advise what the etiquette is for inviting coworkers/boss? Im not super close with them but theyre aware im pregnant and im not sure an invite is required.

I would only invite Co-workers you socialize with outside of the work place.

I'd feel very awkward to receive a shower invitation for a coworker I wasn’t actually friends with.

MamaNicoleof3 · February 2016

Bringmemylongswordho said:

aoliveira0726 said:

Can anyone advise what the etiquette is for inviting coworkers/boss? Im not super close with them but theyre aware im pregnant and im not sure an invite is required.

I would only invite Co-workers you socialize with outside of the work place.

I'd feel very awkward to receive a shower invitation for a coworker I wasn’t actually friends with.

Agree 100%

alysemci · February 2016

MamaNicoleof3 said:

Bringmemylongswordho said:

aoliveira0726 said:

Can anyone advise what the etiquette is for inviting coworkers/boss? Im not super close with them but theyre aware im pregnant and im not sure an invite is required.

I would only invite Co-workers you socialize with outside of the work place.

I'd feel very awkward to receive a shower invitation for a coworker I wasn’t actually friends with.

Agree 100%

This

also, I didn't invite anyone from work for mine.

carrieandbabybean · February 2016

Etiquette shmetiquette. No one in my life is following any of the antiquated rules of etiquette. I think the modern version of etiquette is common sense and the care & concern for the well-being of others in all situations. If this is your 2nd baby, you are definitely going to need more clothes, diapers, breast pads, yada yada (and heavens, if it is a different sex than the first one it might as well be your first shower because girl and boy toys/clothes/sex-related gear are not interchangeable!) Happy showering!!!

michellabanana · February 2016

agillespie15 said:

I agree!!!!!! If your family wants to do it for you, let them!! I don't understand this whole "not a typical situation" thing or whatever u said. Babies are born to all different types of mothers, in all different types of situations!! Just because your situation is not "traditional" per se, doesn't mean you shouldn't get to have a shower!!! That baby is still very special, and that's what a shower is for, is to buy for the baby!!!!! Geez what kind of ppl do u live around?? I was 16 when I had my first baby and had two showers. He's 20 now, and that was back in the 90s. My youngest is 14, I have 3 boys (20,17 and 14) and I'm 21 weeks preggo w my only girl. My family is giving me a shower..... I say relish in it and let your family do one.

Wow, you're little girl is going to be spoiled by her big brothers! (Might be a good form of birth control for them too

) that sounds so fun to have such a range in children...

stillcozy · February 2016

@antoto how is it a breech of "etiquette" if she never even had a shower with her first? So no it's not technically against it the etiquette assumes that you already had a shower with your first. But I guess you know so much better than I quoting "miss manners" and all also my comment about the haters and judgers was also if you had even read her post that she was getting flack for her and babies father not being together and that is much more when I mean to cut negative people out.

Just because you felt called out as a "hater" because you care more about etiquette than this OP's thread because you offered nothing to her other than to disagree with other posters twice. Maybe next time add something positive or a suggestion to the OP instead of being the etiquette police. Might cause people to want to listen to your opinion.

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