Telling Work: Advice/Suggestions

ChrissyFromMD · February 2016

Hello everyone,

I thought I start a thread in our group about how tell our bosses. If there is already one in this group, I apologize.

~~~my situation~~~

I've been with my job for nearly 18 years. I'm 35 and this is my very first pregnancy (10 weeks). I have a male boss, who's also the president. I've been his assistant for the last 4 years. He never had one before me. I can tell he feels uncomfortable talking about women's issues. I'm scared to death to talk to him about it. He's never been in this situation before and neither have I. The majority of my fear comes from his sister, who is also a high level executive in our company. She never married, never had kids. I know she resents the females in our office who have been pregnant while working here due to comments she has made to me, [that they're a burden to the company], expecting that I would agree. I'm worried my boss (her brother) may share her sentiments. I know I'm a big girl and all, but I'm scared of getting pushed out and having to find another job when I'm prego. Need some support and advice please!

My other concern: Being that I have been here so long, I have plenty of sick leave and vacation built up that I can afford to take maternity leave. However, my DH and I have been considering that I be a SAHM or WAHM after the baby is born. I feel the honest thing to do is tell them ahead of time if that becomes our plan, but then I risk losing my leave benefits. Would it be wrong to tell work afterwards?

Curious to know your thoughts on this and whatever situations you all may be working through.

mouse1029 · February 2016

Definitely do not tell you them you are thinking about being a SAHM. If that happens to be the case job at say you planned on going back but now that you have the baby you can't bear to be away. Also, use that time to pretend you aren't getting paid so you can see what it's like to live off of only hubby's income. Also, they can't fire you for being pregnant. If they do, that's discrimination.

Katienu · February 2016

I agree with @mouse1029- do not tell them that you are thinking of staying home.

The anticipation of sharing the news is often worse than actually doing it. Chances are, he will be very happy for you. I remember feeling similar to you but my boss was so excited for us.

Many advice is to stay as professional as possible through your pregnancy and put the crazy work dynamics aside. If he sees you focused on your work, he shouldn't have any worry.

bananers · February 2016

Agree mostly with what @mouse1029 said, with one exception: if at some point you definitely DO decide you want to SAH, you should tell them. It hurts working moms who do plan to come back when people try to work the system. Obviously things change and some women who plan to come back decide not to and that's totally their choice to make. But if you know you aren't coming back, I'd tell them. They will have to pay you out for your vacation time anyway, so you won't totally be losing everything, and you're going to need to survive on one income anyway. That said, if there's any doubt, don't say anything. You want to leave that door open in case you do decide to come back.

And they cannot legally push you out for being pregnant, so you're safe there!

bananers · February 2016

My sticky situation is that I will not have been here for quite a year when baby comes so I won't be eligible for FMLA. I am really hoping my company grants me a leave of absence anyway just because they are a fairly family-friendly company, but I am aware they are not legally obligated to hold my job, and that makes me nervous.

I have already told my immediate boss, because I have had weekly appointments due to my history and there was no way to leave work for all of them and not to tell her. She is very understanding, and excited for us. But it's a big company and I'm not sure what the powers that be will say. She has sworn to secrecy until I'm ready to tell everyone else.

JournoGrl23 · February 2016

When I told my boss it was a very awkward coversation. He tends to favor people who go out binge drinking every night over those of us with spouses and children. We work nights and weekends and holidays and only the people who are single and like to go out every night get the good days off, which I never thought was fair. But one awkward conversation later and me telling him I've worked every Saturday and Sunday and holiday for the past four years that I want one weekend day off a week from now on like those without families get. He agreed. I hope your boss is understanding.

Jenniferk08 · February 2016

For FMLA purposes you only have to give 30 days notice so you have time.

If you are not sure about being a SAHM then I would not discuss it now. Why stress about something that might not be necessary.

smilormarie · February 2016

bananers said:

My sticky situation is that I will not have been here for quite a year when baby comes so I won't be eligible for FMLA. I am really hoping my company grants me a leave of absence anyway just because they are a fairly family-friendly company, but I am aware they are not legally obligated to hold my job, and that makes me nervous.

I have already told my immediate boss, because I have had weekly appointments due to my history and there was no way to leave work for all of them and not to tell her. She is very understanding, and excited for us. But it's a big company and I'm not sure what the powers that be will say. She has sworn to secrecy until I'm ready to tell everyone else.

It actually might work out perfectly. People I know who got pregnant right after starting s job were entitled to the 6-8 weeks disability for birth. During that 6-8 weeks, some if them met their 1 year requirement and then they got the full 12 weeks on top! I was not lucky enough to work that deal in either company. Had been there 12 years when I had my son and was getting 25 vacation days due to seniority so I was able to stretch my 12 week leave into 4.5 months and now I've been at my new company just over a year by the time I conceived and we only get 20 days PTO which is sick time and vacation all combined into 1. I'll be lucky to be able to stretch it to 14 weeks if I use NO vacation time now until delivery. :-(

But for the original poster, you do not even have to say you are pregnant. You will be going out on leave (if you want to specify medical leave, fine, but they aren't allowed to ask the condition or if you are pregnant). You're office based so obviously they will see you are pregnant but I think by law it is illegal to ask. Also, giving them a heads up about the dates you will be out is a courtesy on your part. I would not mention you being a SAHM. Once you are home with the baby all day every day and minus the extra income, you may do a complete 180 and it would be convenient to be able to return to a job you already know so well. Baby brain lasts soo long! Of course if you make that permanent decision while on leave, tell them. I had planned to go back but if my kid couldn't handle daycare or some other issue came up, I would have told work then. Luckily he was thriving at school, still is at 2.5 and is way ahead of some of his peers due to the early childhood education. Could I do that for him at home? Maybe but probably not and planning creative learning activities every day on top of cleaning the house would consume me. I miss him so much every day but I appreciate that when I get home it's just fun okay time and getting dinner and we can relax together because he's had a full day of learning and playing with 7-11 other classmates his age. Don't make a decision too early in. Keep your options open. Good luck!

lalalorelai · February 2016

Sure by law you don't have to tell them you're pregnant or why you need medical leave, but it would make things incredibly awkward if you didn't. You may need accommodations as you get further along and by law they have to provide reasonable accommodations, but not if they don't know why they're needed. I would suggest waiting until you're at least in your second trimester and just having the conversation that you need to. It's a difficult conversation but one that needs to be had.

As for leave, do you have an HR person you could go to about this? See what the company's policies are on leave, using vacation/sick time, etc. Get everything in writing. Also, if you're worried about discrimination make sure you document everything -- when you tell them, any sick leave you need to take, any comments they make, etc. Get copies of your performance reviews and everything asap. Just as a precaution.

I'm in a totally different situation and I just might be totally screwed. I have great benefits at my current position but they have known I'm leaving this August for the past year or so. I'm starting a new one-year term position for the government. It's not even close to qualifying for FMLA and there aren't any policies about leave. I'm basically at the mercy of my new boss. I haven't told him yet, but I'm trying to figure out when, as he could find a reason to rescind the offer and that is the last thing I want. I'm hoping he agrees to push my start date back by a month or so and I can cobble together my vacation time and other leave from my current position to keep my insurance coverage. But I have no idea how this will work out. I'm going to set up a meeting with him in a few months and come to the table with a few different options: pushing my start date back 4-6 weeks, having me start early then take 6 weeks leave (potentially unpaid), pushing the start date back only a few weeks but then I work part time/from home, etc. I hope by having a plan and by exhibiting my flexibility and willingness to work with him, he'll be more willing to work with me. But I'm terrified of what may happen.

Jenniferk08 · February 2016

For FMLA I believe you do have to disclose why. It also states start of leave and when you can return. It's been a few years since I filled out the paperwork but even after my car accident last year we had to disclose why I couldn't work.

ChrissyFromMD · February 2016

Thank you all for sharing your stories/situations and advice. I wish I could provide advice in return, but well, I know nothing. Too new at this.

I'm going to have to tell work soon that I'm pregnant. I'm starting to show a little. A female coworker was staring at my stomach the other day with an inquisitive look, but didn't say anything, she didn't need to. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Those new to the thread, please feel free to share.

Veronica2777 · February 2016

Well, I'm in worst circumstances! I am already 10w4d and I don't start my new job until Monday. I really need this new position and I don't know how I am gonna tell them I'm pregnant soon after I start. I want to be noticed for my work ethics not as the new pregnant lady. Advice? But I agree with everyone else with your situation. Tell them you are pregnant but not that you are thinking about quitting your job.

Bookhousegirl · February 2016

I work in a part-time position that I am not planning on returning to (I work in private practice as well, and will just be continuing with that). I am actually dreading having that conversation because I believe they will be very disappointed (possibly angry) that I am not returning. I guess I don't have advice yet, but I will have to tell them in a couple of weeks when contracts come out so I'll let you know how it goes!

ChrissyFromMD · February 2016

Veronica2777 said:

Well, I'm in worst circumstances! I am already 10w4d and I don't start my new job until Monday. I really need this new position and I don't know how I am gonna tell them I'm pregnant soon after I start. I want to be noticed for my work ethics not as the new pregnant lady. Advice? But I agree with everyone else with your situation. Tell them you are pregnant but not that you are thinking about quitting your job.

I wish I had more advice to give than this, but it sounds already like you have good work ethics. I think you should put your best foot forward and be involved as much as possible so they see who really are. Hopefully then, you want just be the pregnant lady. Best wishes for your new job. You'll be in my thoughts.

ChrissyFromMD · February 2016

Bookhousegirl said:

I work in a part-time position that I am not planning on returning to (I work in private practice as well, and will just be continuing with that). I am actually dreading having that conversation because I believe they will be very disappointed (possibly angry) that I am not returning. I guess I don't have advice yet, but I will have to tell them in a couple of weeks when contracts come out so I'll let you know how it goes!

You'll be in my thoughts as well. Best of luck.

Rebeccavw25 · February 2016

I don't have an opinion either way--it's your life and you should do what's best for you and your family. Just a little heads up from HR about waiting to tell them so you can keep your benefits--if you do decide while on leave that you want to quit and stay at home, they do have the right to make you reimburse them for any health insurance premiums they paid while you were on leave since they were under the assumption you were returning. Not all companies bother, but if they're pissed about how you left with no notice, they might go for it. Just something to consider. Legally they do have to pay out any accrued vacation, though. Best of luck in whatever you decide!

Rebeccavw25 · February 2016

Oh, and as for FMLA, you generally do need to reveal the reason for the leave because it affects other aspects of the leave such as what kind of communication you need to maintain with them as well as when you will be expected to return, etc. Check your company handbook for their policies on leaves. Also, I'm thinking the big ol' baby bump is going to give it away anyway so it seems silly to try and hide it.

Legally they can't terminate or discriminate against you in any way, though!

ThursdayMorning · February 2016

Another thing to consider is whether you would ever want to go back to work in the future. It's not necessary to tell them you aren't coming back but it's also not the best way to leave a company as they will have to scramble to replace the temp coverage for your position with a long term replacement.

I dont plan on returning and will be telling them a few months before I leave so they have plenty of time to find the right replacement and I'll be able to train the new person. It's not legally necessary but the tiny paid leave they offer is barely worth the bridge burning. I want to leave on a positive note in case I ever decide to work in the industry again.

If if I can afford to stay home then it doesn't make a big difference to me whether I get that extra month of pay.

charmedlifex3 · February 2016

I also have a male boss, super uncomfortable talking about anything personal. (Well barring hunting, or killing things) I told him flat out what was going on, explained my plans for returning, and how I planned to find a temp/ train whoever before going. I found being very upfront, and quickly moving on to logistics helped him process it.

I'm absolutely planning on returning, but perhaps if you aren't sure, you might suggest a plan to return to work part time and making the decision from that point it may be fair to everyone? If you decide once you get back, "no way!" then you can work for a couple of weeks until they can hire someone long term. And at least that way they have the understanding you will not be returning in your current capacity.

I agree with the above poster, if you DO decide not to return, you should tell them. But I would not under any circumstances tell the you are "thinking about" it.

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