Blended Families

Looking after stepchildren by myself?

taylorj513taylorj513 member
edited January 2016 in Blended Families
So, hopefully starting this summer (depending on if BM wants to cooperate or not) my fiancé's children, 6 year old boy and almost 5 year old girl, are going to start spending weekends with us. My fiancé works from 8 am to 10-10:30 pm on Saturdays and 8 am to 4ish on Sundays; Fridays he has off. While he's working I'll be watching SS, SD, and the baby we'll have together by that time. I'm only slightly worried about being alone with them. They're sweet kids and BM has 2 younger kids so they know how to act around babies. I'm just worried about those moments when they're fussy or misbehaving because kids do that. It's normal. I just don't know where I stand as a stepmother and disciplining them in these moments. My fiancé has told his kids in the past that I'm going to be around for a long time so thry have to respect me (they're adorable, they responded with 'okay, Papi, we will' honestly, they're great kids). How do I approach the conversation with my fiancé without sounding like I'm demanding power? I know people say that as a SM I'm supposed to be more of a friend but I feel like that's going to bite me in the a** and make them think they can do whatever they want when I'm watching them. And I think my fiancé wants another parental figure around so he doesn't feel like he's alone, we haven't talked about it much. Any advice on how to go about this? How to bring it up? By the way, what does DH mean? Anyone mind giving me like a cheat sheet on all these abbreviations?

Re: Looking after stepchildren by myself?

  • DH - darling husband. You can use FI for fiancé if you want.

    I've seen quite a few of your posts and I'm not trying to be mean but you seem to be pretty high stress. IMO (in my opinion) this isn't something to stress over right now but I can see why you would. It sounds like you are pretty new to being a stepparent and will be really new to being a more hands on stepparent. That is daunting. 

    I say parent those stepkids like you would parent your own child. Discipline like you would discipline your own kids.

    As far as a conversation with your fiancé goes; just talk to him. Sit down and express your concerns. You know him better than we do so you shouldn't need someone else to tell you how to talk to him.

    I'm not sure when your baby is going to be born but you are putting the cart way ahead of the horse in this situation. You will just have to deal with each day once that day is here. It might be way easier than you think!

  • First of all, I'd suggest your fiance seek a different custody schedule that doesn't include Saturdays. He's working 14.5 hour days on Saturdays and he may leave before the kids wake up/arrive and get back after they're asleep. If he only gets to see his kids 2 days each week, they should be days he'll actually see them at least for a bit. If that's not possible (like it's during the school year and he lives too far to commute on school days), change the work schedule.

    Second, you're not your stepkids' friend. In the beginning when it's just you and them, look at your role and authority as similar to a babysitter/teacher. You absolutely have authority as the adult in charge regardless of familial association. As "babysitter" you also have borrowed authority from dad. Like a babysitter, you have to make in the moment decisions about time outs and such, but for the most part you enforce dad's rules, and he can enforce any consequences from bigger issues when the kids were with you. As a stepmom, though, you and dad should work together behind closed doors to determine expectations and consequences. Dad presents them as his rules and is the primary enforcer except when you have to "borrow" his authority when he's not home.

    Also, if you don't have one, get a formal court ordered custody schedule. That way everyone knows and agrees when the kids will be with reach parent. There's also less "if BM wants to cooperate", which reduces stress in your life and gives the kids security with a predictable schedule knowing when they'll be with each parent.
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  • BigboobsmcgeeBigboobsmcgee member
    edited January 2016
    So, hopefully starting this summer (depending on if BM wants to cooperate or not) my fiancé's children, 6 year old boy and almost 5 year old girl, are going to start spending weekends with us. My fiancé works from 8 am to 10-10:30 pm on Saturdays and 8 am to 4ish on Sundays; Fridays he has off. While he's working I'll be watching SS, SD, and the baby we'll have together by that time. I'm only slightly worried about being alone with them. They're sweet kids and BM has 2 younger kids so they know how to act around babies. I'm just worried about those moments when they're fussy or misbehaving because kids do that. It's normal. I just don't know where I stand as a stepmother and disciplining them in these moments. My fiancé has told his kids in the past that I'm going to be around for a long time so thry have to respect me (they're adorable, they responded with 'okay, Papi, we will' honestly, they're great kids). How do I approach the conversation with my fiancé without sounding like I'm demanding power? I know people say that as a SM I'm supposed to be more of a friend but I feel like that's going to bite me in the a** and make them think they can do whatever they want when I'm watching them. And I think my fiancé wants another parental figure around so he doesn't feel like he's alone, we haven't talked about it much. Any advice on how to go about this? How to bring it up? By the way, what does DH mean? Anyone mind giving me like a cheat sheet on all these abbreviations?

    QFP
  • Yeah, I'm a planner, once I know how something is going to be I like to plan it. It does cause stress, but it's just how I am. Hoping I can work on that. 
  • As PP said I would get a court order for custody arrangements.  He will be gone the entire time his children are visiting. What time on Sunday will they leave? I'd imagine at their age they go to bed between 7 and 8 PM, dinner is usually around 5:30 or 6.  I'm sure their mom wants them home early enough on Sunday to settle in before going to school, or will you or your FI take them Monday morning? I've read your posts OP and your situation is stressful.  I know you said you're a planner, which is good in this situation.  You need to have a serious sit down conversation with your FI about discipline matters as well.  He and his ex-wife need to be on the same page for this matter also.  You cannot just be these kids "friend" because no matter how sweet they are, a time will come when they do misbehave and you need to know what to do in that situation.  


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  • Honestly, just sit down and talk to your FI about your concerns. When I first started dating my husband, this was something that I was worried about as well - what did I have the "right" to do, what "shouldn't" I do, what "can" I do... And the answer to that was "whatever you'd do if it were your own child".

    I don't at all agree with "borrowing" authority from your FI to discipline the children, if needed. Doing that just reinforces that you're not a parent (which you are; you're a step-parent), and you don't actually have authority; their father does, and he's the one they need to listen to. That's not how you want things to start our or evolve in to. I never "borrowed" authority from my husband when my SS came to our house. It was my house, my rules (obviously, rules that my husband and I agreed on and made sure my SS was aware of; not that he's ever a problem). That's how I'll treat any kids hubby and I have together - my house, my rules. I'm not "borrowing" those rules from my husband, nor am I "borrowing" the ability to enforce them. You're the adult in that situation.

    That being said, don't treat them like you're their friend. Don't ever treat your children like you're their friend. Be a friend, yes, but also be a parent. I love my SS, and I'm about as good a friend as an adult can be with a seven year old, but he knows I'm an adult, and he knows that the rules are rules. There may be a little lee-way, but he knows that I will ground him if he breaks ground-worthy rules. Just like he knows that when I tell him to do his homework, he has to do his homework (although I've honestly never had to tell him; he just gets it out of his bag and does it anyway). He can't ignore me and watch TV.

    Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
    PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023

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