How Do I Say This Tactfully?

Knottie1450304223 · January 2016

My fiancé had a one night stand with a woman and as a result they have a 6 year old. My fiancé is just starting to be a part of the child's life because the mom didn't tell him until about 6 months ago about the child. They haven't gone to court for any type of custody arrangement, it's all off the books. My fiancé got a new job last month that has him working all weekend, every weekend. I end up babysitting this child all day Saturday and all day Sunday and I'm fed up. I personally think his days should change to where he is with the child and bonding with her. This child is totally glued to me and I don't think this can be healthy. How do I tell FI and BM that this arrangement isn't working for me. I can't get anything work related done over the weekends due to the child being here. I'm having to wake up before 7am on Saturday and Sunday to start babysitting/cooking/caring for this child while he goes to work. I'm done!

Knottie1450304223 · January 2016

Just want to clarify the ONS happened before we started dating.

emilie250 · January 2016

To be honest, I'm quite turned off by the way you're writing about your future step-child. I can understand that this is a big change for you, but I think that you need to change your perspective. She is going to be in your life forever if your marriage to her father lasts - this is a temporary situation because your fiance is starting is starting a new job. If there's no expectation that his schedule will change, then perhaps your fiance and the mother need to come up with a new visitation arrangement so that he has time to bond with his daughter. As a partner to your fiance and future step-mother to this child, you need to step up… Have a calm, honest conversation with your fiance about the arrangement. His relationship with his daughter is one of the most important in her life. She's innocent. She did not do anything to have parents who don't really know one another or are not in a relationship. Be a champion for her. Your fiance will probably be impressed with your maturity.

Bigboobsmcgee · January 2016

What PP said ^^^

Geez OP, this poor child is innocent in all of this and if you have a problem "getting up early" on the weekends then maybe you shouldn't be with someone who has a child. I mean that. It doesn't matter if your fiancé just found out about this child, she is now a part of your family so you should find a way to accept it. She is "glued to you" because she wants attention. Imagine how hard all of this is for HER.

Have a conversation with your fiancé about this. You need to get your priorities in order and if you can't hack being a stepmom then maybe you need to reevaluate things rather than having your stepdaughter realize you don't want her around. That would be horribly sad.

Posts like this get me so fired up as a stepparent.

Kbchavez23 · January 2016

I have to watch my 4 yr old step son as well while my husband is at work. He isn't the most enjoyable child, but it is my duty as a wife. I also have an 8 yr old and a 7 month old. It's not easy but I know my husband respects me for this.

Your situation is a bit different because the child came into your life after you and your SO got together. But like the others said, imagine how that lil girl feels. Try and enjoy your time together! It'll make things much easier. Improbably wouldn't bring it up, it'll probably cause more problems then solve them.

jesssaying · January 2016

I too watch my DAD's. One is 5 and the other is 10 along with me and DH's three month old. He greatly respects me and continuously thanks me for taking on that task because even when he is here with the four of us it can sometimes be a challenge. Lol. As for you saying "the child is glued to you" take that and run with it! It took me almost a year to win over the 10 year old but the 5 year old and I have always but it off. Being a step mom can be tough (I had a hard time with things in the beginning) but it can be so rewarding. Good luck with every thing

izza2 · January 2016

Knottie1450304223 said:

My fiancé had a one night stand with a woman and as a result they have a 6 year old. My fiancé is just starting to be a part of the child's life because the mom didn't tell him until about 6 months ago about the child. They haven't gone to court for any type of custody arrangement, it's all off the books. My fiancé got a new job last month that has him working all weekend, every weekend. I end up babysitting this child all day Saturday and all day Sunday and I'm fed up. I personally think his days should change to where he is with the child and bonding with her. This child is totally glued to me and I don't think this can be healthy. How do I tell FI and BM that this arrangement isn't working for me. I can't get anything work related done over the weekends due to the child being here. I'm having to wake up before 7am on Saturday and Sunday to start babysitting/cooking/caring for this child while he goes to work. I'm done!

To the first bold -- Get over it. That child is going to be your step-daughter if you end up getting married, and it lasts. She will look up to you, she will treat you like a parent, and she will love you. She is an innocent in this, and you're treating her like she's garbage because, why? She's not yours? She needs to be fed and clothed? That's his daughter you're talking about. She's going to be in your life for the rest of the time you're with your significant other. Deal with your selfish problems and get over yourself.

To the second bold -- I agree. He needs to try and find a way to change his schedule so that he's actually spending time with his daughter. Otherwise, he's not forming a bond - at least not past a bed-time routine.

To the third bold -- Of course it's healthy for her to form a bond with you! Reiterating what I said in the first place, but she's going to be your step-daughter. You're going to be her step-parent. Key word parent. You two need to have a bond if you want the relationship to grow and stay strong. Saying she shouldn't be bonding with you along with her father is ridiculous. If she were your child would you want her to be glued to you? Would you want her to be bonding with you and looking up to you?

SpiderMa · March 2016

I hardly call taking care of the child and changing her schedule and lifestyle around to accomodate her treating her like garbage! You have every right to feel this way. This is NOT your child and you shouldn't be carrying the full responsibility on your shoulders. In fact you shouldn't be accountable for any responsibility to the child. Do not let these self-righteous goons guilt you- you are only human. You didn't come into this relationship knowing there was a child involved and it has only been 6 months. You are still coping. Your SO should be spending this time with her 100%! You can be a supportive element in his life without picking up his slack. You are not warranted to drop everything & become a full time parent.

izza2 · March 2016

SpiderMa said:

I hardly call taking care of the child and changing her schedule and lifestyle around to accomodate her treating her like garbage! You have every right to feel this way. This is NOT your child and you shouldn't be carrying the full responsibility on your shoulders. In fact you shouldn't be accountable for any responsibility to the child. Do not let these self-righteous goons guilt you- you are only human. You didn't come into this relationship knowing there was a child involved and it has only been 6 months. You are still coping. Your SO should be spending this time with her 100%! You can be a supportive element in his life without picking up his slack. You are not warranted to drop everything & become a full time parent.

This thread is old. Seriously old. It's dead. Why are you resurrecting a dead thread?

BumpAdmin · March 2016

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