May 2016 Moms

Staying at Home vs. Working

FTM here and I'm curious to see how other May moms are going through the struggle of deciding to go back to work or stay at home. DH and I are questioning if I should be going back to work after the baby is born. I always planned to go back to work after FMLA, but after looking at multiple daycare centers the one we both liked and can accommodate my schedule will cost us about $20k per year. After paying for daycare, health insurance, 401k etc. that leaves very little per week in my paycheck. My commute is 45 minutes each way and DH's schedule is so erratic that we can't count on him to pick LO up if we found a daycare closer to him. Hi family llives out of state and only my Dad lives close by and he works full time so there isn't much support there. We think we can live of of DH's salary. We've looked at our expenses and other than mortgage, car and utilities we don't spend much, so there really isn't anything to cut back on to make the decision easier. We would be facing an increase as we would be switching from my health insurance plan ($250 a month for a family plan) to his which is about $600 a month. How are all of you figuring this out and if you've made the decision what solidified it for you? I feel like we keep going back and forth on this with no real answer in sight.

Re: Staying at Home vs. Working

  • Everyone's situations are different and I don't believe there is necessarily a right or wrong answer.
    I am a nurse and I LOVE my job . I always thought I'd work part time with our first child. I felt sort of anxious/unsettled with this decision and really began thinking hard about it. Several weeks ago I decided that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I have not felt more happy or more at peace. For me it came down to baby/family > working/$ . I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I just never thought I would have such a great job . I am super excited for the future, while it will be bittersweet to leave my job I know once she arrives it will all be worth it !

    I hope that you are also able to feel the same peace once you come to a decision :)
  • I've been going back and forth on this with my DH. I have an hour plus commute and was just passed up on a promotion (which I can't help but feel was related to my being pregnant but can't prove- I literally carry my department). Similar situation in that my take away post day care wouldn't be impressive, and we'll have to move to my husbands health insurance which is not as good and more expensive. For me the deciding factor was that my MIL offered to watch the baby a few days a week(but she can't handle 5 days), so at the end of leave I will be requesting to come back part-time as a consultant. If they want me? Great. If not, I'll likely stay home for a few months and try to get something closer to home part-time. I can't stand the idea of spending so much time away from the baby with so little take away. And my DH surprised me the other day by saying he can't wait until my commute is over. So we are in full agreement on it.

    It's a very difficult decision to make. Good luck.
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  • We will be transitioning to my husband being a sahd. My insurance is also more expensive. I'm a little worried about going to a one household income, but I've had our budget figured out for a bit and some money saved. He hates his job and i really like mine. He is also going to go back to school at the tech.

    Together 11/2008
    Married 9/29/2012
    BFP #1 8/26/15
    EDD 5/6/2016
  • Thanks for the feedback! It's really comforting to know that others are going/went through the same struggle we have. Asking friends is non-existent because they've all had to go back to work for financial reasons so it wasn't even a question for them. I think we are pretty much making the decision the end of this month so I can let work know and give them proper time to plan/train a replacement. 
  • For us, DH and I each make too much money for either of us to stay home. We both have significant roles in our companies and love what we do. If it was costing me money to work versus staying home, then I'd obviously have to re-evaluate things. But daycare for us won't be nearly as expensive. MIL will watch the baby 2 days a week and she'll go to an in home day care 3 days. I also have an 8 year old daughter who is in school now, but I've worked fulltime since she was 2 months old. For me, I don't have it in me to be a stay at home mom. I love working and contributing to our household so we can live the lifestyle we do. That's what works for us. Every family's situation/ dynamic is different. I'd look at finances and also talk to your husband about expectations of duties as well. Since DH and I both work full time, we come home and tag team different things like house work, homework, kid's activities, etc. I have friends who are SAHMs and they expect to hand the kids off to their husband as soon as he walks in the door from work.
  • Anolt03 said:
    Everyone's situations are different and I don't believe there is necessarily a right or wrong answer.
    This is so true! You have to do what's right for your family :smile: 
    I have a full-time job. DH has a part time job. He was looking something full time, which would have meant child care. We came to the realization that with the cost of child care, DH working full-time wasn't even worth it. He works an early morning shift and is usually home by the time I start work, so he'll be the primary caretaker. That should work for us, at least to start - who knows what could happen in the future! 
  • Totally agree that it all depends on your situation and what is important to you! For me, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but I also realized it just may not be in the cards for us. After looking at daycare costs, etc we determined a way to make it work and we are happy with what we were able to come up with. I'm sure some months will be more of a struggle than others but overall it wouldn't be worth it for me to work and put our babies in daycare just to bring home a couple hundred bucks a month.
  • DH and I have had many discussions about this. Right now, where I live daycare is VERY expensive, and 75% of my paycheck would go straight to daycare. To me its just not worth leaving my LO with someone else so I can get 25% of my check. I would rather cut back and give up all the extra amenities we have right now with two incomes. Nothing is set in stone, but we are continuing to look into living off just my DH income. Its very tough because I would like to work but in the end I don't think I will end up coming back to my current job unless I get a crazy raise or find another job that pays more.
  • All things being equal would you be happier continuing to work or staying home?

    Have you always wanted to do one or the other?

    Is this your dream job?

    How strongly do you feel about the above?

    I find these questions help a lot... It is such a personal choice w/ no right answer!!
  • It sounds like you've figured out that being a SAHM is financially viable, so the question is no longer about the money. Instead you need to think about stuff like, do you want to be a SAHM? Would you miss your job? Can you handle being around an infant all day, every day? If you want to go back to work down the line, will having an employment gap make things difficult to get re-hired for any reason? If you do love your job and want to keep working, will it be worth it with the stress of not seeing baby and having to commute that much?

    All of these questions make me want to have a part-time situation! Not in the cards for me, unfortunately, I'll be going back full-time, but seems like that would be the best of both worlds.
  • The other posters have raised good questions.  I would also say that you need to consider what impact this could have on your ability to save for YOUR retirement and on your ability to return to the workforce (both depend on your line of work and other personal situations).

    It is a stressful decision so it is good to have these kinds of discussions early.  Good luck!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I work part-time but my schedule is incredibly erratic (I work in 2-3 hour shifts from anywhere between 8am to 730pm M-F).  We recently purchased a small carwash in the next town over, and DH makes enough to support our family, as my income pretty much ends up being spending money.  We figure that to try to find daycare, even in-home, would be hard especially with my schedule.  We live in a small town so options are limited, and the cost would outweigh me working.  I'll still work a shift or two a week while DH is home or after school hours so a neighbor can watch LO, but it's mostly so I have a continual job reference on my resume. 
  • DH and I considered this: I'm going back to work ASAP (we're moving across the country so I can take a new job, my dream job) and he was considering being a SAHD (because he's giving up his job here anyway so we can move).

    The decision ultimately came down to whether he wanted to work outside of the house and whether we could afford it long-term (lost experience, lost work-force time, lost retirement savings).  The answers were yes and no.  Yes, he wanted to work outside the home because (especially moving to a new place) he did not want to be socially isolated; No, we can't afford the long-term costs because if he didn't work for a few years he'd lose several opportunities for internal advancement at whatever company he lands in (they all seem to operate the same way, with guaranteed promotions based on good performance over time) and we'd also lose his retirement income.

    Even if we take a hit on daycare for the first few years, DH's earning potential would make up for that in the long-run (like within 4 years).  

    So, those two questions suggested by PP were really helpful for our decision-making (or, DH's decision-making--I left it up to him, entirely).
  • I think I might just do part time as well. I'm a teacher, but think I'm just going to do daily subbing so its not that much work. That way if nobody can babysit or baby has a doctor's appt. I don't have to take a job for the next day. Luckily I'm special ed certified so I always seem to be in need lol.
    I think I might get a little stir crazy being at home all day, plus o don't want to fully exit the school system since after my kids start school I want to go back full time.
  • gemini2005gemini2005 member
    edited January 2016
    We went through this when I was pregnant with DS.  I had planned to go back to work part-time after my 8 week (non-paid) maternity leave.  My boss kept bringing up the fact that I would have to go back full-time at some point so I agonized over the decision.   I enjoyed my job and went to school for many years to get an advanced degree but I decided to quit.  It all came down to the fact that I didn't want to miss one minute of my DS's babyhood.  We made sacrifices and I have no regrets.  We are on baby number 3 now and I will go back to work when she's in school but I will look back on these years as the best of my life.  GL with your decision!!
  • Since this will likely be our only child (poor kid lucked out being born to an old child and a mostly only child...12 year older half sister) we are doing daycare for socialization. One of my friends hired a nanny and her kid has serious social delays. I know its not the only reason why but she really did better once they started her in daycare(which their ST and pediatrician reccomended).

    So until he's in school I'm staying full time otherwise we couldn't afford it!
  • I have friends who are SAHMs and they expect to hand the kids off to their husband as soon as he walks in the door from work.

    Hell yes.
  • kami09 said:

    I have friends who are SAHMs and they expect to hand the kids off to their husband as soon as he walks in the door from work.

    Hell yes.
    My DH is SAHD and thats exactly what we do! Makes sense became hes been with her all day, so its my time with her. Normally its great, except shes going through a no nap phase so she a hot mess by the time I get home!

    Hes SAHD because there aren't any jobs here for him and I earn way more than he could anyway. He loves being SAHD.
    Angel baby June 2013, DD born 22 April 2014, BFP 10 Sept 2015 - Due 22 May 2016
  • I can only tell you what my family decided.
    I think it would be fun to be a SAHM but I also love my job as a teacher and it gives me a lot of purpose in my life and I don't want to give that up. Daycare is expensive, especially for infants, but we think of it as an investment in his development. I can't give him the social skills, the immune exposure, and the varied stimulation they can at a good daycare. I was a daycare worker for a long time so over the summer I asked parents who had, IMO, really good kids what they did. Overwhelmingly they said they did Montessori, so that's where my baby is going.
    If later on we decide it isn't working, my husbands work is flexible enough that he could stay home and maybe get his masters while taking care of baby (or babies).
  • Something I recently discovered: You need to vet your Montessori schools! Some of them have the name and the right lingo, but have no actually Montessori-trained staff! And many pay their teachers less than a pittance.

    My friend got Montessori trained (in top of three MAs and a BA) and has been having trouble finding jobs in her large east coast city where anyone else has any Montessori experience or where they pay her above minimum wage. She said the problem seems to be widespread, but that no one is actually trying to deal with it.
  • We are going back and forth with this decision as well. Every time I think it is settled, something happens to change the tides. Recently, MH started driving for a limo company at night as a second job and it is really taking a toll on me, him and our relationship. I appreciate that he is trying to build up somewhat of a financial cushion for when I have my unpaid leave, but it is wearing me down to be working full time, then get my son from daycare, cook, clean, do all the night time rituals (dinner, play time, tubby time, bedtime), and then finish up various projects that I choose to be involved in (Parish Council and Christian Education Committee at church and the Community Health and Wellness Advisory Committee, for all of which I am on the executive board and have significant responsibilities). Last night, for example, I told him I was doing a special presentation at the Parish Council Meeting (I was just appointed secretary and our pastor is retiring this Sunday so my friend and I were singing as the meditation/devotion) and it would be from 6:30pm until I don't know when. Of course, MH took a driving gig at 8pm, thinking he could get the baby to sleep and then head out. He forgot that you can't just leave a sleeping baby alone and I would be at the meeting until at least 8:30pm and then have a 30 min drive home. So he was calling me frantically during the meeting asking when I would be home. I lost it and said "I told you about this meeting and I assumed you knew that meant you were to be home tonight. Can I have one night to be me and not have to be mom?! You are a parent too!"

    I feel bad because I know that he is doing these gigs to help our family financially, but it is really putting a huge burden on me and I keep imagining what it will be like when we have an infant and a toddler. How am I going to handle bedtime with a newborn who needs to feed every 2 hours and a 2 year old all on my own? The financial piece is very significant for us because MH is a truck driver (though he was a college professor when I met him, but didn't want to deal with the administration) and I am a school nurse. Neither of us make a lot of money and we live in a very costly area (daycare is $295/week for my son and for both my son and daughter it will be $615/week!). My salary will just cover daycare costs. We also have student loans, a mortgage, maxed out credit cards, and all the other fun expenses that come with being an adult. We don't qualify for any assistance because we make just enough to edge us out, but not enough to really get by. I am also very proud and have a hard time accepting the help that my family wants to give. My sisters are unmarried, career-focused women who are pretty successful and I figure that I chose to live the life I am living so it is not fair to ask them to share the burden. We have an extremely streamlined lifestyle, with no cable (we use antenna for TV), barely go out unless we have a gift certificate which I hoard like a squirrel, and I only got myself a new item of clothing recently because I wanted something nice for church this Sunday and had an Old Navy gift card. Otherwise, I don't own a single item of clothing that isn't second-hand or at least 5 years old.

    Not looking for pity, just some background. So, what do we do? Do I leave my job, stay home with my babies and put all the financial burden on MH? Or do I stay at full-time and further stretch our budget to accommodate the very steep daycare costs for two children? Or do I work part-time, do per diem child care, give up the benefits (I carry the insurance for our family) and get "the best of both worlds"? Another new development is that another nurse in the district just quit to work at an outpatient clinic, but (as she told me yesterday) it turns out it is only 3 days a week. She would love to work part-time at the school so maybe I could work out that, come September, she can work 2 days and I can do 3 days a week. That way I wouldn't need child care for 2 days. There are so many options and things to consider.

    I don't think any of my rant is very helpful and I am totally hi-jacking your thread, OP, but I need to get this out before I explode! It is definitely super stressful and the only solace I can take is knowing that we are all in this together as a sisterhood of modern pregnant women. Thoughts and prayers to all going through the same struggle. It will all work out for the best!


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  • The socialization aspect was something I worry about as well. His family is out of state and I moved out where I am when I was in college so a lot of my friends aren't local and a lot of their children are much older so he wouldn't have a lot of kids his age to interact with. 

    We talked last night and we decided we'll go the daycare option for now if only because we don't want to say definitively that I'm not going back and then find out I go stir crazy as a SAHM. I would never leave my company with just 2 weeks notice so he'll be there for a least a few months while I start to transition out if I find it too hard to work on top of everything. The good news is finances may not be impacted as much as we thought if I do stay home since DH's employer is talking about giving him another raise before LO is born. That will definitely help offset the cost of his insurance vs mine which gives me peace of mind as we could continue to save as we have been. 
  • This is a subject MH and I have been discussing a lot recently.  I have never wanted to be a SAHM - hell, I never even thought I wanted to be a mom at all until about a year ago - so it has never been a question that I would go back to work. When we first found out we were expecting, we had initially talked about him becoming a SAHD or at least going to part-time, but now that it is getting closer, he's having second thoughts.  While we could get by on my salary alone, things would be tighter, and he makes enough that it would still make financial sense for him to continue working, even after daycare costs.  Also, he just got a promotion recently and is beginning to move up quickly in his company, so that makes the decision even harder for him.  Ultimately, I think he'll go back.  I think it makes the most long-term sense for his career and for our family, but I will support his decision either way.  My company offers on-site daycare, and I went ahead and had us added to the wait list last week because that looks like the route we are going to go.    
  • Like PP have all said, each situation is unique and you have to do what's best for you guys and your family. Both DH and I work outside of the home and we both make enough to where it doesn't make sense for either of us to quit our jobs. I am a social worker and work in the addictions field and actually enjoy my job. Daycare in our area (Midwest) will be around $175/week so not even one of my paychecks. We don't have any credit card debt and other than our normal expenses, we just have my car and my student loans to pay for. But my situation is different than yours (and everyone else's).

    I've been a Dave Ramsey fan for about 3 years now and I would really recommend sitting down and going over your budget now and how it will change if you stay home or if your DH stays home. Don't forget to include baby costs like diapers, wipes, medication, formula (if not BF), clothes, etc. Just because your budget is figured out now, doesn't necessarily mean you have it figured out for after LO is here. Regardless, good luck with your decisions! 
  • I'm going back to work. I enjoy my job and I love my baby too, but my hubs is a teacher and it's not enough to sustain all 3 of us.
  • dshannahdshannah member
    edited January 2016
    @laurenmdrn16 I hope the part-time thing at the school works out! If not, are there other part time gigs you could do? It seems like it doesn't have to be all or nothing in your line of work, which is great.

    Another option, and I knew you said you're not inclined to do this but hear me out, is to ask for a loan from one of your sisters. Draw up paperwork and everything, guarantee them a 4% return (however you want to work it interest-wise so that you pay less in interest than for a bank loan and they make more off it than almost any other investment) with a two year grace period (enough time to get DS into kindergarten so you're only paying daycare for DD) before repayment is due.

    You are not asking for handouts, just recognizing that for a few years you will be in some pretty tight circumstances, after which it will almost certainly get better, and setting up a mutually beneficial financial arrangement to alleviate that. And it's not as if you need the money--it will just make your life much, much easier.

    Think about it!

    But also, good luck!

  • My husband has owned his own business for over ten years and before we got married he said it was always his goal to make enough money that his wife could stay home with kids if she wanted to. We've talked a lot about it and he's knows I really like my job so I'm just going to work PRN basically when needed. I'm actually doing that now. I average 2 or 3 days a week. I just feel I need to keep my skills and credentials up just in case something were to happen.
  • @mrstmoose we are also huge Dave Ramsey fans ! To anyone not familiar with him, I HIGHLY recommend checking out his books. It may seem a little strict- or a lot strict- but he speaks truth.
  • edited January 2016
    I recently made the decision to quit (my last day was a couple weeks ago) and stay home with the baby. The short answer is I wasn't in love with my job situation with a baby and we could afford me staying home.

    That being said, I would have still brought home a good chunk after daycare but here are some things that went in to my personal decision -

    Daycare location was a huge pain to try to figure out. I could choose one by my house so either husband or I could drop off/pick up BUT I would need extended hours. (My husband travels a ton for work and would not be reliable to do a drop off or pick up and I worked 10 hours with lunch). Other option would be a daycare near my work. This would mean I would have all the responsibility for this task and a hour each way commute with baby. Not ideal in my book! I was already scared of husband's future work travel and doing everything on my own.

    Time was another consideration. With daycare and commute I would be out of the house about 12 hours a day. Thinking of then coming home to clean, cook and tend to a baby already had me nervous. I thought about hiring a maid for at least help with cleaning such as vacuuming, dusting, ect. In the end, I feel like I would always be exausted and not enjoy the little time I would have with my baby. Being productive at work while being exhausted also didn't seem reasonable.

    Job satisfaction and flexibility - I had been frustrated with many of the aspects of my job prior to even getting pregnant so to me this was perfect way to say enough is enough. My job also required traveling around the state which seemed very unrealistic. Also, I had tasks I did not feel comfortable doing while pregnant. I got a full year worth of work (state schedule October to September) assigned to me which would mean running straight into a rush to do a ton of work when I would get back from maternity leave. No thank you!

    Budget - yes, we would be taking a cut of potential income from me not working but we could make it with a little extra breathing room on the hubs salary. We paid off all our student loans and saved up about 20,000. The only other debt we have besides the mortgage is about 10,000 on our car. We are waiting to see how much the birth costs are before paying off that debt. I feel comfortable right now with what we have and am very grateful for that!

    Some other things people have brought up that also I found to be important in making my decision:

    Health care - I called prior to quiting to make sure I could get onto husband's insurance. Well then I found out just to add me would add $500 a month (with a $3000 dectucible) AND I would have to switch providers. Well that sounded terrible so instead I open enrolled to my current provider for $270 a month. Not sure what we are going to do the babies health care yet but that cost is also something to consider. @laurenmdrn16 I would say if your salary would cover daycare and Healthcare that might be major for your family instead of trying to come up with maybe $500 - 700 (just a guess) a month for healthcare.

    I am a little fearful of the socialization aspect since I am the first of my friends to have a child. I have signed up with meet up groups for first time moms and hope to create so connections for group dates. My church has an amazing child center I plan to utilize.

    Well this is getting long so I'll wrap up. I fully agree this is a personal decision for everyone and should not be taken lightly! I am personally very excited to be able to spend the time with my baby and I have faith (and a budget :smile: )) that it will all work out. I hope something I wrote helps someone. Haha

    Ps: I also suggest checking out Dave Ramsey if you haven't heard his philosophy on finances. Money/finances are reported as the leading cause of family stress and divorce in America.
  • I am a little fearful of the socialization aspect since I am the first of my friends to have a child. I have signed up with meet up groups for first time moms and hope to create so connections for group dates. My church has an amazing child center I plan to utilize.
    I wouldn't worry too much. There really isn't a whole lot to suggest that kids who attend day care are better off socially. There are lots of other ways to make sure your kid is socialized. The best place to start is in the home :smile:. I mean no disrespect for parents who use day care...just saying that a kid isn't going to have trouble because they DON'T go.
  • PYLWhammy said:
    I am a little fearful of the socialization aspect since I am the first of my friends to have a child. I have signed up with meet up groups for first time moms and hope to create so connections for group dates. My church has an amazing child center I plan to utilize.
    I wouldn't worry too much. There really isn't a whole lot to suggest that kids who attend day care are better off socially. There are lots of other ways to make sure your kid is socialized. The best place to start is in the home :smile:. I mean no disrespect for parents who use day care...just saying that a kid isn't going to have trouble because they DON'T go.
    As a kid, I started to daycare starting at six weeks old. I remember often throughout my childhood, a kid would show up to daycare or some other activity, never have been around other kids before, and start bawling or have huge issues being in a new group. This happened up until grade school, and then everyone gets super socialized, and is fine. So you're right, I think it makes transitions into social settings easier as a really young child easier, but long-term probably really doesn't matter too much.
  • We'll probably end up doing daycare for one or two days a week just for basic socialization, but yeah, I think as long as kids get into school and are exposed to peers in group settings by kindergarten they end up pretty much fine.

    (This opinion may or may not be colored by the fact that my parents put me in daycare when I was 3, and apparently all I ever did there was bludgeon the other kids with blocks and take their stuff. Pretty telling, in retrospect.)
  • laurenmdrn16 

    Hey no worries for hijacking! I feel like we're all going through the same journey and it always helps to talk it out with others. Like 
    dshannah says I hope the part time situation works out for you and I agree with the idea of talking to one of your sisters about setting up a loan. Let us know how it goes! I have a friend who's in the same boat as you, she and her husband make too much to qualify for anything but not enough to cover everything even after cutting out all unnecessary expenses. I have such new found respect for everything they go through now that we're contemplating the same. 
  • One thing to consider is how much your career matters to you in the long term. I read a study that found women who take up to two years out of the work force lower their lifetime earning potential by 20%, and that number goes up to 30% for up to five years out.  While I don't know whether those numbers are legit, there's no doibt being a SAHM hurts one's long term career opportunities.
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