Breaking the abuse cycle vent

rachellegiacco · January 2016

I grew up never wanting kids, never wanting to become the parents I had, to never even be given the chance to maybe mess up and make them feel the way I did growing up. Now I have two children and a husband that grew up feeling the same way I did. He from a verbal abuse history and me from verbal and physical. We are both strict consistent parents that want well mannered children but I know in the back of my mind, my fears still haunt me daily. What if I yelled too much that day? Did he need to be spanked for what he did? (We chose to spank on really bad offenses) how do I assure I break this bad cycle, when that's all I ever knew. How do I take the end result my parents got, of a well rounded child (my brother and I have always been stellar students and children) without the baggage of emotional hurt. I want so bad for my kids to feel safe and loved, but how do I do that when I don't know how to feel that myself.

chelseajeanene · January 2016

I was raised by a single mother all of my life, and this was her #1 fear. She was a foster kid for a good part of her childhood and was physically abused in terrible ways. My mother never laid a hand on us and never abused us in any way. She wanted to be better then how she was raised and she achieved it. You can too. Having a difficult childhood teaches you what not to do with your own

steph256 · January 2016

I grew up on a very abusive household. I suffered sexual abuse, my mother and brothers were physically beat. I grew up knowing I would not have children grow up in a household like I grew up in. I wanted my children with parents who loved each other, I would not scream at them, throw them across the room when they made me mad, or God forbid Rape them. I have a 10 year old, 3 year old and a 4 month old all girls. I fear for them growing up in the world but we show them what a normal household looks like. Parents who love each other, a safe and happy home. Yes my 10 year old gets spanked when her actions warrant it. We explain before and afterwards why she is getting it and never do anything out of anger.

My children have never heard us yell at either them or each other. Do we argue, yes but never in front of them.

I would suggest talking to a counselor and working through it.

LoveLee85 · January 2016

My DH grew up in a house with a dad who screamed and treated his mom like crap all the time. It's most of his childhood memories, including his dad telling him when he was 6/7 years old that 'he fu**ed another woman and cheated on his mom multiple times'! He tells me this stuff and it's heartbreaking. I had a story book childhood because my father was beaten on a regular basis by his alcoholic father(my grandpa), and was going to break the cycle. It happened! My dad broke the cycle and I know you can, too! My DH knows exactly what NOT to do thanks to his parents.

myfingerhurts · January 2016

Wow, I'm so sorry you and your husband were abused, that is horrible. That is a very heavy thing to work through, and I admire your self-awareness to want to break the cycle!

I have no insight into how to break the cycle, but Part of your question is about how to raise kids who are well-behaved and well-rounded in a non-abusive household and I just wanted to offer some thoughts on that. (This turned into a novel. I've got thoughts and feeling apparently!)

My parents were (from me and my husband's perspective) the most perfect parents in the world and my brother and I both turned out great. My brother is an engineer In a prestigious field and I'm a director-level at an ad agency.

I don't think there was any real secret other than to love and support us, but not give in to our childish whims/logic about things. We weren't allowed to quit mid-season. We had privledges a taken away if we did something really bad (like no dessert for a week, I never smashed anything with a hammer again. I went through a weird hammer-smashing stage.) but they also really listened to us and took our opinions seriously. They challenged us to think through problems and respected our opinions and wishes.

My parents were also super strict about manners as well. We had to go to cotillion, which is basically manners school, and they were very consistent with instruction, without being mean about it. I may have called my mom the meanest mother in the world a few times, bc I didn't want to put my napkin on my lap, but you can't equate a passionate 7 year olds actions with what they are actually learning. Now, when I sit at a table, putting a napkin in my lap is an involuntary reaction...and the worst thing that ever happened to me was a stern look from my mother. I maybe got sent to my room if I got super disrespectful.

For well-rounded-ness, just encourage your kids natural interests and introduce them to new ideas and cultures. This I think is where my parents really shone (in comparisons to my husbands parents), if your child says he is interested in art, let them take art! My husbands parents were always math and science, blah blah blah, and now he is a furniture designer, but it took him quite a few miserable years post college to figure it out.

One thing my parents didn't do, but something I noticed all my favorite and most successful friends did growing up, is mission trips. The big ones to Mexico or Hondoras to build houses for people in need. Regardless of the religious aspect, I think taking a teenager out of their super-privledged environment and helping people truely in need really opens their minds up in amazing ways.

I gues the big thing is that fear does NOT need to be a motivating factor. Love and support are just as, if not more, powerful. Your babies are going to turn out so great!!!

LaurenNewph · January 2016

It breaks my heart and always shocks me for some reason when I hear stories like the ones I've read here. I think my purposeful naïveté allows me to pretend awful stuff like that only happens in movies and not to real people. Despite my lack of experience with these issues, my personal opinion is if you are worried about turning out like your parents then you are already NOT like them! We learn and grow from our experiences, and though some of these experiences are horribly tragic they shape the people we become. We have a choice in how they shape us, and to me it seems you all have taken the right path and are great mommas!

heidi3189 · January 2016

I completely agree with the other posters. I myself, did not have a great upbringing. I have also had those fears cross my mind about whether or not I have been too harsh with my son. However, as the others have said, it's the thought process of being able to analyze each situation and grow from it that makes all the difference. All parents make mistakes and you will break the cycle because you can recognize what you don't want for your children and work at being the parent you do want for your children. I feel like becoming a parent has helped me heal from my childhood. I get to have the family I always wanted and provide the nurturing love that I have within myself. It's amazing. It has also helped me accept that my parents weren't perfect and that I can't change the past.

Unica1302+ · January 2016

The best advice I can give you is talk it out. If you think you may have over reacted with the kids talk to a to someone whose judgement you highly trust or pretend to tell a friend. In your explanation do you feel guilty? Would you be reluctant to tell a friend about what happened? Those could be signs of an over reaction. And as previously mentioned for your older children have a talk after the discipline. Also research online there are groups and information on this very topic. You can break the cycle.

mill1020 · January 2016

I am so sorry to hear you've been through this, and unfortunately can relate. You can break the cycle. For me, counseling has been a huge help. It's very hard at times but 110% worth it so that we can be our best selves for our kids and spouses.

Want a personalized experience?

Breaking the abuse cycle vent

Re: Breaking the abuse cycle vent

Choose Another Board

Search Boards