AP failure

els831 · November 2015

I feel like everything I've wanted as a parent has been a failure. Breastfeeding hasn't been successful despite many visits to IBCLC, tongue clipping, chiropractor work, everything...so I'm exclusively pumping to give her breast milk. We nurse for comfort about once per day and she falls asleep, which I love but hesitate to do more often because her latch is incredibly painful on my nipples. I hope we can eventually get her back to breast in the coming months. Because I'm constantly using my pump due to low supply (every 2 to 3 hours), I haven't been wearing baby and even have had to get help to care for her when I'm pumping. We don't cosleep yet, she's 7 weeks old and I'm just too scared of it yet. We will cosleep when she's older, for now she's in a bassinet right by my side of the bed. So right now we are not breastfeeding, wearing much, or cosleeping....yet I strongly desire to raise her in AP style. Any tips for me to increase our bond despite these obstacles?

KateLouise · November 2015

AP is about responding to the needs of your child, rather than the specific tools you use to do it.

Just holding, and snuggling your baby is creating a bond. If you get up and feed her in the night, and snuggle her then that is forming a bond.

You could so some skin to skin time with baby.

It sounds to me like you're working really hard to give baby what she needs, and that is AP right there!

I had to do some pumping at the beginning with my now 8 week old, and it was really hard work. I think people who do it long term are amazing! Sometimes I would rock baby to sleep ad then lie him on the bed alongside my thigh while I pumped, so that he could feel me close, and if he needed a pat or to be held, I could just stop what I was doing and attend to him.

Is there a particular reason why baby is still hurting your nipples? Is it her latch? If the tongue tie has been resolved and it is a latch issue, then perhaps you could try putting her to the breast more often, but not necessarily leave her on for long. I know it can be agony when you're sore, but I'm wondering if more practice at latching could help baby get better at it, and extra suckling might improve your supply.. However, that is just an uninformed theory, so if your LC has advised you to do what you're doing then obviously stick with that.

Anyway hang in there, and just keep loving your baby and giving her what she needs, which really at this stage is just to know that you're close and that she's loved and secure. Anything else is just logistics.

SLGILL1978 · December 2015

I agree with the previous poster. And you ARE co sleeping... if you are meaning bed sharing, that is a form of co sleeping. There are different ways to co sleep.

Knottie1442268460 · December 2015

We co sleep in an arms reach co sleeper. I can't bf or pump due to our relationship. In fact we met at less than a week old! We are very attached. Respond to the needs. If that means not pumping maybe that would be better. Spending more time together and getting to know her cries and caring for her might be better. I'm not in your shoes. I don't know the answer. Pumping some and formula for the rest might help.

mhwood · December 2015

I practice AP with both of my children. I don't baby wear, we didn't exclusively or extended breastfeed, we didn't bedshare.

Being an attachment parent isn't about following a set of guidelines laid out in a book, it's about listening to your child and doing what is best for them based on their needs, wants, and cues.

People get so caught up in the "rules" of a certain parenting style that they lose the essence of what it means to truly parent in a way that feels natural for them.

beanie1977 · December 2015

My milk supply was so low the lactation consultants basically said I could put him to my breast for comfort but that was about it. This was after weeks of struggle, crying, pumping DROPS and getting not even a half ounce out of each side in a 24 hour period. He's formula fed now and I nurse for comfort in the morning and before bed and throughout the day if he's fussy but some days not at all.

We have a snuggle nest that sits between us in bed. I feel safe with that. Look into it. I wear him in public and maybe once a day for a bit at home but I find myself even using the stroller more than expected due to back pain that occurred during my horrible pumping, nursing cycle that I did for weeks where I was doing one or the other every hour.

Anyway, if you're bonding through snuggles songs touch etc you're doing good! There's no right or wrong way to parent if you're doing the best you can.

neverblushed · December 2015

I agree with PPs on this. My kids are big now -- see ticker below. When I think back to what it was like when my DD was a newborn -- wow! It was SO hard at first! A lot of the things I had thought I'd do totally didn't work. I basically spent the first 10 weeks figuring out my own style.

I agree with a lot of AP tenets, but I didn't co-sleep, didn't babywear as much as I thought I would, and other stuff. My period came back when DD was about 4 months old, and it really messed up my supply. I was devastated at first. But then I realized if I just gave her formula about once a day, it was totally fine. My supply leveled off to meet that demand, I wasn't stressed, I could still BF, she got enough to eat -- a good deal all around.

The point is, sometimes you have to improvise. True AP is all about that, not about a textbook notion of what you "must" do to be an attached parent.

els831 · January 2016

Update!!! Baby is back to breast for all feeds with a little supplement of my pumped milk and she spends about 1/3 of the night in bed with us now that she is bigger and I feel more secure with her. She's still not in to baby wearing but I'm hoping she likes it more when she's big enough to face outwards. I'm so so happy with the progress we've made with breastfeeding, I definitely feel closer to her now!

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