First of all, I've personally spent at LEAST $2,000 on gifts for friends and family for baby showers so far. I'm 35, and will most likey spend that much again by my last baby shower attendance...hopefully, my daughter's or even granddaughter's. I'm sure you have also spent, or at least will spend a significant amount of money on others people's showers. I think having your own shower (even if your primary purpose is just getting gifts,) is pretty darn fair.
Having said that, I personally have issues with getting gifts. I felt akward opening gifts after my wedding, knowing people spent so much on me. Then someone pointed out that most of these people really care for me, and truly wanted to bless me. And also, by the time I attend my last wedding, I'll have shelled out a lot of money on others' gifts. And most of them, I'll love and care for too. It all evens out.
Baby showers are about celebrating the new mother entering motherhood, or celebrating a woman having another baby. BUT, gifts are a part of a shower too. The reality, is that she has every right to get gifts.
If I were you, I'd do what you suggested. I'd let others hoast, but foot the bill if you don't end up making up with your mother.
A baby shower is an awesome experience, and I'd hate for you to miss out due to a fight with your mom.
I probably sound greedy, but I'm not. I just think it's pretty ridiculous to shame the OP for wanting gifts.
Thank you! I've spent so much money on baby and bridal showers over the past few years sooo yes I do expect to get gifts in return also. I typically spend between $50-$100 on a gift, more if it's someone I'm closer to like my sister or a good friend. That being said, I don't expect to receive EVERYTHING I'd need at a shower, but from what I've witnessed at other baby showers within my family, they do a very good amount of necessities. I personally stick to buying things off of the registry because that is literally exactly what the mother wants.
And maybe people do things differently elsewhere, but aside from 1 display shower (where everything was left unwrapped), every other shower I've attended has set aside time when the mother-to-be sits down and opens all her gifts. So I think gifts are a big part of a shower, but maybe other peoples shower experiences are different than mine.
Obviously a shower is also for spending time with the people who were invited, but I didn't think I needed to explicitly state that...just kind of thought that was implied in sending someone an invitation...
First of all, I've personally spent at LEAST $2,000 on gifts for friends and family for baby showers so far. I'm 35, and will most likey spend that much again by my last baby shower attendance...hopefully, my daughter's or even granddaughter's. I'm sure you have also spent, or at least will spend a significant amount of money on others people's showers. I think having your own shower (even if your primary purpose is just getting gifts,) is pretty darn fair.
Having said that, I personally have issues with getting gifts. I felt akward opening gifts after my wedding, knowing people spent so much on me. Then someone pointed out that most of these people really care for me, and truly wanted to bless me. And also, by the time I attend my last wedding, I'll have shelled out a lot of money on others' gifts. And most of them, I'll love and care for too. It all evens out.
Baby showers are about celebrating the new mother entering motherhood, or celebrating a woman having another baby. BUT, gifts are a part of a shower too. The reality, is that she has every right to get gifts.
If I were you, I'd do what you suggested. I'd let others hoast, but foot the bill if you don't end up making up with your mother.
A baby shower is an awesome experience, and I'd hate for you to miss out due to a fight with your mom.
I probably sound greedy, but I'm not. I just think it's pretty ridiculous to shame the OP for wanting gifts.
Thank you! I've spent so much money on baby and bridal showers over the past few years sooo yes I do expect to get gifts in return also. I typically spend between $50-$100 on a gift, more if it's someone I'm closer to like my sister or a good friend. That being said, I don't expect to receive EVERYTHING I'd need at a shower, but from what I've witnessed at other baby showers within my family, they do a very good amount of necessities. I personally stick to buying things off of the registry because that is literally exactly what the mother wants.
And maybe people do things differently elsewhere, but aside from 1 display shower (where everything was left unwrapped), every other shower I've attended has set aside time when the mother-to-be sits down and opens all her gifts. So I think gifts are a big part of a shower, but maybe other peoples shower experiences are different than mine.
Obviously a shower is also for spending time with the people who were invited, but I didn't think I needed to explicitly state that...just kind of thought that was implied in sending someone an invitation... --------------------qbf-------------------- Assuming everyone will stick to the registry isn't always a wise choice. It may be what you do but I know for my bridal shower I got a ton of off registery stuff because its stuff that people wanted to get. Showers are gift giving events but expecting everyone to spend "X" amount on you comes off just wrong to me.
Probably an UO, but girl write the check, have the shower you want, and stop telling us your secrets! Oh your sis and SIL are throwing you a shower? That's lovely. Nothing unusual about that
At the end of the day, op, it's your party- so the opinions of Internet strangers shouldn't make a huge impact. If a restaurant and presents are your dream come true make it happen and enjoy with no guilt.
I am face-palming at this entire thread. I stand by my previous responses. OP - next time leave out the part about expecting gifts and the real reason you want to have a shower and nobody else will question it.
First off, I'm really sorry to hear that about your Mom...especially when you're about to become a Mom yourself. I'm sure that's tough on you right now.
Regarding the shower, I agree with previous posters about having your Sis & SIL just plan it on their budget, whatever that may be. I don't think that it necessarily has to be at a restaurant. Pinterest has a lot of amazing ideas. This way you can save some money from paying for the restaurant and use whatever you would have spent to buy those last minute baby things you need. And wanting gifts is just natural, I think. I personally couldn't imagine going to a shower and NOT bringing a gift as part of the celebration for the new Mom.
My reply is definitely an unpopular opinion, but I say go for it! Host it yourself. If you feel like leaving it up to your mom would cause drama, don't stress yourself out over it. People obviously want to give you gifts or they wouldn't bother coming to a shower. I really doubt they would care if you pay for it even if they knew.
At the end of the day, op, it's your party- so the opinions of Internet strangers shouldn't make a huge impact. If a restaurant and presents are your dream come true make it happen and enjoy with no guilt.
Exactly. No one deserves to get what they want if they have to hurt others to get it. But that is not the case here. This is your (perhaps one and only) chance for a shower... So go for it!
I am face-palming at this entire thread. I stand by my previous responses. OP - next time leave out the part about expecting gifts and the real reason you want to have a shower and nobody else will question it.
I'm really surprised by how many people don't expect gifts. I know the way I phrased things in my original post could make me sound like a brat (which I'm really not). But I couldn't imagine going to someone's shower, having them provide me with food and drinks, etc and not bringing a gift...it's just bizarre to me.
I've also seen a few posts (not sure if it was on the bump or a different app) saying "my first kid is 10 so we got rid of all the baby stuff, is it ok to have another shower?" So I was under the impression anyone who had a shower would get gifts...apparently that's not the case
After reading through all of this I am still confused...why are you so stuck on having it at a location you need to pay for?! IMO, save yourself the trouble & just have it at someones house. It's easy, & it's FREE! That way you still get to enjoy a lovely afternoon with your favourite people, being showered with love & yes, gifts.
I'm 30, this is my first. I get it, I've bought a thousand shower gifts for women who probably won't be invited to my shower. But, gifts are like that old adage on making loans: Never give away anything you aren't comfortable never getting back.
I'm kind of with the folks who say that if you can't afford to do both, just buy yourself the things that you want. People WILL go off registry. You WILL get clothes, blankets, toys you did not register for. If you want it, the only way to make sure you get it is to go to the store and buy it.
If it is about hanging out with your friends, people have also had lots of GREAT ideas that are much cheaper than a restaraunt. Do none of your friends live in apartments or condominiums with community rooms? Does no one you know attend a church that would rent out a room? Why does it haaaaave to be at a restaurant? I think if I were hosting your event I would be hurt that whatever I could offer wouldn't be good enough for you. why not work with the hosts to find a creative alternative that they can afford?
Also, April is still a month away - that's a lot of time to bury the hatchet with your Mom. Unless she just committed a totally unforgivable act of betrayal that you will NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE I think it's worth it to kiss and make up. Otherwise you'll hear about it forever that you "stopped her from having a shower for her grandbaby".
You should totally have a diaper raffle, too!! Oh, and ask for children's books instead of cards. This way you'll get three times as many gifts!
Seriously, though, you're kinda terrible! What if any of your guest heard how you feel? My shower with my son was such a wonderful experience with all the mothers in my life giving me advice and love. It really was a welcome into a sisterhood that only women can understand. It's too bad that you'll be so focused on the gifts, you'll miss the real point!
Also, most people won't buy off your registry and will give you clothes. So if you're planning on saving using this to save money, you really aren't saving that much.
You should totally have a diaper raffle, too!! Oh, and ask for children's books instead of cards. This way you'll get three times as many gifts!
Seriously, though, you're kinda terrible! What if any of your guest heard how you feel? My shower with my son was such a wonderful experience with all the mothers in my life giving me advice and love. It really was a welcome into a sisterhood that only women can understand. It's too bad that you'll be so focused on the gifts, you'll miss the real point!
Also, most people won't buy off your registry and will give you clothes. So if you're planning on saving using this to save money, you really aren't saving that much.
You don't pay for your own shower. Sure, people expect gifts at a shower. That is the point, but it's crass to say that you only want a shower to get gifts. And I know this is unpopular on our nice board, but no one is entitled to a shower just because you procreated. Sorrynotsorry.
Gotta get in with a gif here... @jaceyannie said it amazingly and I don't really have much to add other than if you're going to do it anyways, then just do it, you don't need the approval of random people on the internet.
totally fine to offer to help with cost. they are still "hosting" it's a good thing to offer to help. don't worry. they can always sya no if they don't need or want the help. we've offered to help pay for ours (though i think our friends will say no) and when i hosted one for a friend, I allowed her to pay the rental for the location, mostly just to make her feel better (she wanted a shower that included full families including husband and kids and it turned out to be over 50 people... She would have felt horribly guilty about asking for that much without being able to contribute (even though there was no need to feel guilty. she and he husband had been trying for years and are much loved and we would have planned a 100 person shower if that's what they wanted)
anyway... offer if you want. fuck etiquette. and have a wonderful time (sorry about the falling out with your mom!)
Have to say I feel sorry for those who have expressed feeling they have a "right" to expect gifts because of all the money they've spent on gifts for others. Gift-giving is supposed to be a sign of caring/friendship, not a transaction or investment that's intended to pay out when it's time for you to get yours.
I never knew that it was rude or inappropriate to pay for your own baby shower. With this being my first I never had the opportunity to have one. Being low income, I know that when my sister had her baby shower she put money towards it and my sister who is pregnant now is giving about 100 towards hers. I don't plan on having one but if I do I'm pretty sure I will pay for it but my sisters will host it. I guess my friends just do things a little different.
I don't think the issue here is paying for it....ESPECIALLY if her name isn't associated with hosting. The issue is that she said she wants to have it just to get gifts.
Have to say I feel sorry for those who have expressed feeling they have a "right" to expect gifts because of all the money they've spent on gifts for others. Gift-giving is supposed to be a sign of caring/friendship, not a transaction or investment that's intended to pay out when it's time for you to get yours.
Yes! Thank you! I give my friends gifts for their baby showers and bridal showers because they are my friends and I love them. If I feel like I'm just invited to a shower to get a gift (like getting invited to a cousin's shower I haven't seen or talked to in 10 years) I just don't go. I also give gifts for my friends that either didn't have a shower or I wasn't invited to (for babies) because I want to.
I do feel like you should give a gift if you attend the shower (if you are able to). However, no one has to come to the shower or give a gift just because they are invited.
Have to say I feel sorry for those who have expressed feeling they have a "right" to expect gifts because of all the money they've spent on gifts for others. Gift-giving is supposed to be a sign of caring/friendship, not a transaction or investment that's intended to pay out when it's time for you to get yours.
Yes! Thank you! I give my friends gifts for their baby showers and bridal showers because they are my friends and I love them. If I feel like I'm just invited to a shower to get a gift (like getting invited to a cousin's shower I haven't seen or talked to in 10 years) I just don't go. I also give gifts for my friends that either didn't have a shower or I wasn't invited to (for babies) because I want to.
I do feel like you should give a gift if you attend the shower (if you are able to). However, no one has to come to the shower or give a gift just because they are invited.
I didn't say it was right, but I do get it. I was friends with a lot of people in college that I am no longer close with that got married and had babies in their early 20s. I have purchased lots of gifts over time for people that I would no longer feel close enough to to invite to my own event, because, as you say Gift-giving is a sign of friendship and not a transaction. Things change, people change, and over time people come and go from your life. It's normal and it's ok, and there's really no reason to be salty about it, but I understand how somebody could be grumpy about bringing things to the table for others and then feeling left out when it is "their" turn. It's human, but you get over it and be grateful for the awesome people who ARE in your life to love and support you. What I WOULDN'T advise is keeping a mental checklist of who owes you what from when. That seems like an easy way to poison your memories AND your friendships.
I cannot wait for the future "I got a ton of blankets, tutus, headbands, and frilly outfits. What the hell is wrong with everyone? NOBODY shopped off my registry! Why do you even bother making one, if nobody is going to shop off of it???? And now I have to go and buy everything after spending all of that money on the venue!" post.....
Have to say I feel sorry for those who have expressed feeling they have a "right" to expect gifts because of all the money they've spent on gifts for others. Gift-giving is supposed to be a sign of caring/friendship, not a transaction or investment that's intended to pay out when it's time for you to get yours.
Correct, however, I've heard many of my friends who are getting married or having kids later in life (mid-30's) express, jokingly how it's finally their time to receive.
I cannot wait for the future "I got a ton of blankets, tutus, headbands, and frilly outfits. What the hell is wrong with everyone? NOBODY shopped off my registry! Why do you even bother making one, if nobody is going to shop off of it???? And now I have to go and buy everything after spending all of that money on the venue!" post.....
Haha that gif is killing me
Married July 2014 DD born June 2016 Second due August 2020 (team green!)
Have to say I feel sorry for those who have expressed feeling they have a "right" to expect gifts because of all the money they've spent on gifts for others. Gift-giving is supposed to be a sign of caring/friendship, not a transaction or investment that's intended to pay out when it's time for you to get yours.
Correct, however, I've heard many of my friends who are getting married or having kids later in life (mid-30's) express, jokingly how it's finally their time to receive.
I'm just being honest about human nature.
I'm 37 (married at 32, first baby at 34) and have never expressed or heard any of my friends express anything but gratitude for baby/bridal showers (in their 20s, 30s or 40s). It would be one thing to joke about it. If someone I knew said something like that and meant it, that's a shower I'd think about skipping. Gifts aren't currency.
I guess a lot of this depends on personal preferences and what type of event you're having. I'm having a formal shower thrown by my mom back in my hometown (in Pennsylvania) but some of the new friends I've made here in Texas wanted me to have a shower too except nobody offered to host. So instead of having a traditional shower I'm having a girls day and doing pedicures and tea time without gifts being given (I'm sure some will give gifts anyway but if they don't I won't be upset because I don't care about the gifts at all.)
Re: Baby Shower Drama
And maybe people do things differently elsewhere, but aside from 1 display shower (where everything was left unwrapped), every other shower I've attended has set aside time when the mother-to-be sits down and opens all her gifts. So I think gifts are a big part of a shower, but maybe other peoples shower experiences are different than mine.
Obviously a shower is also for spending time with the people who were invited, but I didn't think I needed to explicitly state that...just kind of thought that was implied in sending someone an invitation...
And maybe people do things differently elsewhere, but aside from 1 display shower (where everything was left unwrapped), every other shower I've attended has set aside time when the mother-to-be sits down and opens all her gifts. So I think gifts are a big part of a shower, but maybe other peoples shower experiences are different than mine.
Obviously a shower is also for spending time with the people who were invited, but I didn't think I needed to explicitly state that...just kind of thought that was implied in sending someone an invitation...
--------------------qbf--------------------
Assuming everyone will stick to the registry isn't always a wise choice. It may be what you do but I know for my bridal shower I got a ton of off registery stuff because its stuff that people wanted to get. Showers are gift giving events but expecting everyone to spend "X" amount on you comes off just wrong to me.
Oh your sis and SIL are throwing you a shower? That's lovely. Nothing unusual about that
Regarding the shower, I agree with previous posters about having your Sis & SIL just plan it on their budget, whatever that may be. I don't think that it necessarily has to be at a restaurant. Pinterest has a lot of amazing ideas. This way you can save some money from paying for the restaurant and use whatever you would have spent to buy those last minute baby things you need. And wanting gifts is just natural, I think. I personally couldn't imagine going to a shower and NOT bringing a gift as part of the celebration for the new Mom.
I've also seen a few posts (not sure if it was on the bump or a different app) saying "my first kid is 10 so we got rid of all the baby stuff, is it ok to have another shower?" So I was under the impression anyone who had a shower would get gifts...apparently that's not the case
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I'm kind of with the folks who say that if you can't afford to do both, just buy yourself the things that you want. People WILL go off registry. You WILL get clothes, blankets, toys you did not register for. If you want it, the only way to make sure you get it is to go to the store and buy it.
If it is about hanging out with your friends, people have also had lots of GREAT ideas that are much cheaper than a restaraunt. Do none of your friends live in apartments or condominiums with community rooms? Does no one you know attend a church that would rent out a room? Why does it haaaaave to be at a restaurant? I think if I were hosting your event I would be hurt that whatever I could offer wouldn't be good enough for you.
Also, April is still a month away - that's a lot of time to bury the hatchet with your Mom. Unless she just committed a totally unforgivable act of betrayal that you will NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE I think it's worth it to kiss and make up. Otherwise you'll hear about it forever that you "stopped her from having a shower for her grandbaby".
Seriously, though, you're kinda terrible! What if any of your guest heard how you feel? My shower with my son was such a wonderful experience with all the mothers in my life giving me advice and love. It really was a welcome into a sisterhood that only women can understand. It's too bad that you'll be so focused on the gifts, you'll miss the real point!
Also, most people won't buy off your registry and will give you clothes. So if you're planning on saving using this to save money, you really aren't saving that much.
You don't pay for your own shower. Sure, people expect gifts at a shower. That is the point, but it's crass to say that you only want a shower to get gifts. And I know this is unpopular on our nice board, but no one is entitled to a shower just because you procreated. Sorrynotsorry.
Gotta get in with a gif here... @jaceyannie said it amazingly and I don't really have much to add other than if you're going to do it anyways, then just do it, you don't need the approval of random people on the internet.
they are still "hosting"
it's a good thing to offer to help.
don't worry. they can always sya no if they don't need or want the help.
we've offered to help pay for ours (though i think our friends will say no)
and when i hosted one for a friend, I allowed her to pay the rental for the location, mostly just to make her feel better (she wanted a shower that included full families including husband and kids and it turned out to be over 50 people... She would have felt horribly guilty about asking for that much without being able to contribute (even though there was no need to feel guilty. she and he husband had been trying for years and are much loved and we would have planned a 100 person shower if that's what they wanted)
anyway... offer if you want. fuck etiquette. and have a wonderful time
I do feel like you should give a gift if you attend the shower (if you are able to). However, no one has to come to the shower or give a gift just because they are invited.
I do feel like you should give a gift if you attend the shower (if you are able to). However, no one has to come to the shower or give a gift just because they are invited.
I didn't say it was right, but I do get it. I was friends with a lot of people in college that I am no longer close with that got married and had babies in their early 20s. I have purchased lots of gifts over time for people that I would no longer feel close enough to to invite to my own event, because, as you say Gift-giving is a sign of friendship and not a transaction. Things change, people change, and over time people come and go from your life. It's normal and it's ok, and there's really no reason to be salty about it, but I understand how somebody could be grumpy about bringing things to the table for others and then feeling left out when it is "their" turn. It's human, but you get over it and be grateful for the awesome people who ARE in your life to love and support you. What I WOULDN'T advise is keeping a mental checklist of who owes you what from when. That seems like an easy way to poison your memories AND your friendships.
This thread is so great I'm over here like
I cannot wait for the future "I got a ton of blankets, tutus, headbands, and frilly outfits. What the hell is wrong with everyone? NOBODY shopped off my registry! Why do you even bother making one, if nobody is going to shop off of it???? And now I have to go and buy everything after spending all of that money on the venue!" post.....
I'm just being honest about human nature.
DD born June 2016
Second due August 2020 (team green!)
Seriously though, can we all agree to stop resurrecting this stinkin' thread?!??
I'm 37 (married at 32, first baby at 34) and have never expressed or heard any of my friends express anything but gratitude for baby/bridal showers (in their 20s, 30s or 40s). It would be one thing to joke about it. If someone I knew said something like that and meant it, that's a shower I'd think about skipping. Gifts aren't currency.
99.99% of showers I go to aren't at restaurants but at peoples' homes. There are refreshments but not lunch or dinner. More than adequate.