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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    FiancB said:

    Loss mention

    When I was on a BMB there were a lot of people on there that had struggled to get or stay pregnant. So. There's that. Just because they are pregnant now doesn't mean they got that way without effort. No need to be nasty to Lulu just because she was blunt with you. 

    If I honestly like and care about someone, I will honestly be happy for them and interested. The more distant, eh the more it kind of stings. One of my best friends and I are TTC at the same time and she seemed genuinely interested in hearing about my pregnancy. Now if she gets/stays pregnant first I will honestly want to hear all about that. More distant people, meh not so much. 

    If she asks, tell and gauge her reaction. If she seems not super excited to hear about it, then don't blabber on and on about it. This is kind of a non-issue that we can't really help you with. But don't avoid her- we have friends that haven't talked to me since my loss while they were pregnant and I know it's because they don't want to hurt me and they don't know what to say, but that still really sucks. 

    Again, you are entitled to your opinion. I thanked her for her advice but I knew I'd have to talk to her eventually. I just also wanted experiences/ thoughts from other women to better understand how to move forward and deal. There are several women on my BMB who have struggled TGP (based on threads) but the I expected the responses wouldn't be as honest and upfront as on this board. That could've been a bad assumption and when I make assumptions....

    Also, sorry you had to experience that with friends. Her tone is super hard to read but I'll just go for it.
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  • missteacherlady16missteacherlady16 member
    Well you know what they say when you assume things!
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    TTC #1 - Nov '14
    BFP 2/3/16  EDD 10/16/16
    DS born 10/18

    LFAF: Frankly Disturbing
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    Lulucooks said:

    Kjack85 said:

    Lulucooks said:

    Kjack85 said:

    LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

    In my experience, which includes personal with friends and even Dear Prudence columns, women dealing with IF can be anywhere on a spectrum from not wanting to hear about other pregnancies and babies to wanting to hear and be there for friends/family. It's worth a convo with your cousin to see where she is on the spectrum so you can respect her. Imagine if she DID genuinely want to know and you stopped telling her. That could hurt too.

    You're right. I really wanted to jump over the conversation with her (fears) but based on your response I need to because I'd hate to hurt her by ignoring the situation. Thanks
    Ah, so the advice you needed was to talk to your cousin. If only someone else had mentioned that.


    You're 15 minutes too late.(sigh). Several people have already mentioned that but they also gave how they would/ did feel in a similar situation. Notice, I said as the top you could remove she and put you in its place.
    What? that's so odd...
    So my advice has to come with a story even though it's the same advice everyone else gives, but since there's no back story it's invalid?

    Bless your heart.
    You're inferencing skills .... No it didn't have to come with a story. You have the right and will to respond as you please. I thanked you for your response and wished you a great day. Also, please direct me to where I said your post was invalid. It was very valid.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    LINDSEYRVA said:

    I mean, no, you're not outright asking people to make you feel better, but asking questions like "why can't we both be celebrating our BFPs?" is definitely a step in that direction.  I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but can you see how it kind of comes across as "poor me having to celebrate my surprise BFP all by myself with my loving husband and extended family who like to fawn all over me with the single exception of this one person"?   Not to mention that it's kinnnnnd of a ridiculous question to ask a bunch of people who are here SPECIFICALLY because we are NOT yet celebrating BFPs.

    Look, I know your heart is in the right place.  But this was a misstep.  We all have them!  It's fine!  I made several missteps today!

    Not my intention AT ALL and that's why I tried to be such a big TW and explain why not to read. Based on your response, I can see how it can come off as braggy. I guess I wrote that because I've been there through their whole process.. prayed with and alone for her... and have always expected it to just happen for her before myself. It also wasn't a surprise (sorry if it read like that... We were actively trying just didn't tell family). Also, my other cousins were being asses BUT I re read my post and laughed at he it comes across. Definite misstep there!

    Also, lesson learned! Thanks!
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    missteacherlady16 said:

    Well you know what they say when you assume things!

    Clearly, that's why I started the phrase
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  • missteacherlady16missteacherlady16 member
    edited January 2016
    Kjack85 said:
    Well you know what they say when you assume things!
    Clearly, that's why I started the phrase
    Yes. I know.... 

    I was agreeing with you!! 
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    TTC #1 - Nov '14
    BFP 2/3/16  EDD 10/16/16
    DS born 10/18

    LFAF: Frankly Disturbing
    Report Reply
  • LulucooksLulucooks member
    edited January 2016
    missteacherlady16 said:




    I'm pretty sure when you said
    Uh, thanks but no thanks. Have a great day.
    To her advice, you were invalidating the advice she had given you. Come on, we all know what you meant by that. Opinion entitlement or not. 
    ---qbf---

    Yeap^
    image














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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    missteacherlady16 said:


    Kjack85 said:

    In my experience, which includes personal with friends and even Dear Prudence columns, women dealing with IF can be anywhere on a spectrum from not wanting to hear about other pregnancies and babies to wanting to hear and be there for friends/family. It's worth a convo with your cousin to see where she is on the spectrum so you can respect her. Imagine if she DID genuinely want to know and you stopped telling her. That could hurt too.
    You're right. I really wanted to jump over the conversation with her (fears) but based on your response I need to because I'd hate to hurt her by ignoring the situation. Thanks
    Ah, so the advice you needed was to talk to your cousin. If only someone else had mentioned that.




    You're 15 minutes too late.(sigh). Several people have already mentioned that but they also gave how they would/ did feel in a similar situation. Notice, I said as the top you could remove she and put you in its place.

    What? that's so odd...
    So my advice has to come with a story even though it's the same advice everyone else gives, but since there's no back story it's invalid?

    Bless your heart.

    You're inferencing skills .... No it didn't have to come with a story. You have the right and will to respond as you please. I thanked you for your response and wished you a great day. Also, please direct me to where I said your post was invalid. It was very valid.

    I'm pretty sure when you said
    Uh, thanks but no thanks. Have a great day.
    To her advice, you were invalidating the advice she had given you. Come on, we all know what you meant by that. Opinion entitlement or not. 

    Uh no. That wasn't invalidating anything. I simply said thanks but no thanks meaning thanks for the advice but no thanks to me using that right now especially since I don't have an ounce of courage to speak to her right now. I don't know if you all are just used to people coming off as snappy or rude or hostile but that wasn't my tone.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    missteacherlady16 said:

    lol, ok OP. 


    Aww man. That convo ended too soon
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    CharmBombExplosion said:


    Kjack85 said:

    I don't understand why this is posted on a TTGP board and not your BMB?
    Because we're all infertile over here, according to the OP.
    Clearly I asked for responses from people who have experienced infertility or from people who have experienced an extended amount of time TTC. I've been quoted so please be a doll and read. Furthermore, why would I ask a bunch of women who already have their BFPs about what they would feel/ think about someone else getting a BFP in their family? Doesn't seem like the right population but I'm sure you could infer that.

    Why are you being so hostile? A lot of the women on your BMB may have IF/taken a while to get their BFP. This really isn't the place for this.

    Please explain how I'm being hostile. That is such a loaded word. I haven't responded hostile at all but you are entitled to that opinion.


    People are telling you that this isn't the correct place for this and you're responding in a condescending tone with your 'be a doll and read' comment. It's rude.

    That's what makes someone hostile? Ok. I can't delete my post and even if I could I wouldn't. For those who don't think this is the right place, I apologize and next time (I'm sure there won't be but if there were) , I'd know where to post.


    hos·tile

    /ˈhästl/

    adjective

    1. unfriendly; antagonistic

    I'm gonna say that fits.




    If you got all of that from one interaction then kuddos to you. Also, if I really thought someone was hostile (especially if I didn't even think the person was important) I wouldn't continue engaging with them. Who wants to deal with hostile people?
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

    "uh, thanks but no thanks" reads as a very dismissive thing to say. And it makes the "Have a nice day" seem not genuine and also dismissive. Hence, why I felt it was rude, and clearly others did as well. Only saying this since you asked and seemed genuinely to be wondering.

    I'm glad that at least my genuine side is somewhat apparent in this thread. I guess I was thinking at most it would come off as sarcastic but if it did come off as rude THAT wasn't my intention. And yes, I was genuinely wondering since I couldn't see it but if multiple people say it's rude then it came off as rude.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    FiancB said:

    I can't be the only one who reads "you're entitled to your opinion" as being one of the snottiest phrases ever. It's basically the slightly more adult version of a kid plugging their ears and going NANANA NOT LISTENINGGGG. Along with the thanks but no thanks with have a great day. 

    Also


    Ha ha ha. Apparently you just deal with hostile people or you're overly heightened. I definitely not being snotty and I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion meaning I can't get upset or bash someone over their opinion.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    CharmBombExplosion said:


    CharmBombExplosion said:

    hos·tile

    /ˈhästl/

    adjective

    1. unfriendly; antagonistic

    I'm gonna say that fits.


    If you got all of that from one interaction then kuddos to you. Also, if I really thought someone was hostile (especially if I didn't even think the person was important) I wouldn't continue engaging with them. Who wants to deal with hostile people?

    I asked why you were being hostile because you posted asking us (TTGP) for help and then proceeded to be condescending when you didn't get the exact responses you were looking for.  I don't particularly want to deal with you at all, but you're here.  Does your BMB also dislike you?


    You don't have to deal with someone who's here (as you put it). You could ignore me like the plague. If anything, some ladies just seem too ready to pounce over seemingly small phrases/words that. And I really didn't ask. You're welcome to start a poll.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    bcooke314 said:

    @Kjack85   I know I'm just jumping in here, but I wanted to point out to you that although you did have trigger warnings, none of them mentioned that you would be talking about your current pregnancy. From the title of the post and the trigger warnings you gave, I assumed you would be asking for advice about an infertility diagnosis that you got. I did not expect to read about you having a BFP and not knowing how to talk about it. Since everyone on this board would love to have that problem, it's not surprising this didn't go over very well.

    Edited because of word spacing

    Thanks. I'll change the TW to be a better indicator. Also, I'm not doubting that people want their BFP. I hope this too doesn't come off as rude but I want that for everyone (even though I know I don't know everyone). I just wanted a "how would you feel" / advice (not necessarily a "make me feel good" advice) and I could ask the question without mentioning the BFP but would that give appropriate background in your opinion?

    Also, somewhere I mentioned it can be considered a misstep but you live and you learn.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    FloridaStanley said:

    I love a good quote-tree filled thread

    Lol. Well this definitely will rock your boat.
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  • britters314britters314 member
    Kjack85 said:
    @Kjack85   I know I'm just jumping in here, but I wanted to point out to you that although you did have trigger warnings, none of them mentioned that you would be talking about your current pregnancy. From the title of the post and the trigger warnings you gave, I assumed you would be asking for advice about an infertility diagnosis that you got. I did not expect to read about you having a BFP and not knowing how to talk about it. Since everyone on this board would love to have that problem, it's not surprising this didn't go over very well.

    Edited because of word spacing
    Thanks. I'll change the TW to be a better indicator. Also, I'm not doubting that people want their BFP. I hope this too doesn't come off as rude but I want that for everyone (even though I know I don't know everyone). I just wanted a "how would you feel" / advice (not necessarily a "make me feel good" advice) and I could ask the question without mentioning the BFP but would that give appropriate background in your opinion? Also, somewhere I mentioned it can be considered a misstep but you live and you learn.
    I don't think you could really ask your question without mentioning your pregnancy, but you should at least put in a "TW: BFP/current pregnancy mentioned" or, as PPs have said, ask this on your BMB. I don't know what the women on your BMB are like, but I'm sure at least some would give honest answers and share their experience.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    bcooke314 said:


    Kjack85 said:

    bcooke314 said:

    @Kjack85   I know I'm just jumping in here, but I wanted to point out to you that although you did have trigger warnings, none of them mentioned that you would be talking about your current pregnancy. From the title of the post and the trigger warnings you gave, I assumed you would be asking for advice about an infertility diagnosis that you got. I did not expect to read about you having a BFP and not knowing how to talk about it. Since everyone on this board would love to have that problem, it's not surprising this didn't go over very well.

    Edited because of word spacing

    Thanks. I'll change the TW to be a better indicator. Also, I'm not doubting that people want their BFP. I hope this too doesn't come off as rude but I want that for everyone (even though I know I don't know everyone). I just wanted a "how would you feel" / advice (not necessarily a "make me feel good" advice) and I could ask the question without mentioning the BFP but would that give appropriate background in your opinion?

    Also, somewhere I mentioned it can be considered a misstep but you live and you learn.

    I don't think you could really ask your question without mentioning your pregnancy, but you should at least put in a "TW: BFP/current pregnancy mentioned" or, as PPs have said, ask this on your BMB. I don't know what the women on your BMB are like, but I'm sure at least some would give honest answers and share their experience.

    Changed just now. I think I got enough info from this thread since the basic consensus was to talk with my cousin (figured although I'm dreading it)and I did gain a better perspective from the different responses.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    AndiPandi127 said:

    I think I got enough info from this thread since the basic consensus was to talk with my cousin (figured although I'm dreading it)and I did gain a better perspective from the different responses.

    ---qbf---

    Wait...I just read this whole heated debate and the resolution was basically...what @Lulucooks said to begin with? My head hurts.
    AndiPandi127 said:

    I think I got enough info from this thread since the basic consensus was to talk with my cousin (figured although I'm dreading it)and I did gain a better perspective from the different responses.

    ---qbf---

    Wait...I just read this whole heated debate and the resolution was basically...what @Lulucooks said to begin with? My head hurts.

    I didn't consider it heated or a debate. How would I possibly know that everyone was going to say the same thing she said. I also acknowledged that was the general consensus and realized and stated that I appreciated the back stories and found it more helpful. Can you take aspirin?
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    hunnybunny17 said:

    OP, if you wanted a bigger, "fresher" sample size you would've been better off asking 1st Tri. Most everyone lurks around, including those TTC lurking the Tri boards.

    Everyone here (backstory or no backstory) said to ask your cousin because everyone handles these situations differently, just like those experiencing loss, cancer, etc. What's right for one person may be wrong for someone else. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon to say ask your cousin. Personally, I'm happy to talk to those close to me about their pregnancy as I'm sincerely interested. Also, I think it's a nice gesture when someone asks me about how I'm doing and what's been going on with me IF-wise as it helps validate IF as a non-shameful thing to talk about.

    If you haven't, you might want to check out something like this: https://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html . I would pay particular attention to #10 on the do not do list.

    True everyone handles things differently. I honestly thought more people wouldn't say talk to my cousin but instead just to leave her alone (shows what I know).

    Also, thanks a ton for that link! Already sent to printer! I think I've done #10 , 4, 5, and 6 already so that will be something to not do in the future and apologize for.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    Kjack85 said:

    hunnybunny17 said:

    OP, if you wanted a bigger, "fresher" sample size you would've been better off asking 1st Tri. Most everyone lurks around, including those TTC lurking the Tri boards.

    Everyone here (backstory or no backstory) said to ask your cousin because everyone handles these situations differently, just like those experiencing loss, cancer, etc. What's right for one person may be wrong for someone else. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon to say ask your cousin. Personally, I'm happy to talk to those close to me about their pregnancy as I'm sincerely interested. Also, I think it's a nice gesture when someone asks me about how I'm doing and what's been going on with me IF-wise as it helps validate IF as a non-shameful thing to talk about.

    If you haven't, you might want to check out something like this: https://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html . I would pay particular attention to #10 on the do not do list.

    True everyone handles things differently. I honestly thought more people wouldn't say talk to my cousin but instead just to leave her alone (shows what I know).

    Also, thanks a ton for that link! Already sent to printer! I think I've done #10 , 4, 5, and 6 already so that will be something to not do in the future and apologize for.
    Also, I didn't know there were different trimesrer boards just BMB. I'll check that one out in the future.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    FiancB said:

    Mmm, fruit snacks. 


    Are you done?or are you just beginning? Either way... Enjoy. And do you really know what troll means?
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    FiancB said:

    Mmm, fruit snacks. 


    In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into ... Considering this is happening in my real life and I wasn't intending to deliberately provoke anyone ... Troll doesn't fit.

    I could take badly misinformed or mis-stepper but not troll.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    AndiPandi127 said:

    Kjack85 said:

    AndiPandi127 said:

    I think I got enough info from this thread since the basic consensus was to talk with my cousin (figured although I'm dreading it)and I did gain a better perspective from the different responses.

    ---qbf---

    Wait...I just read this whole heated debate and the resolution was basically...what @Lulucooks said to begin with? My head hurts.
    AndiPandi127 said:

    I think I got enough info from this thread since the basic consensus was to talk with my cousin (figured although I'm dreading it)and I did gain a better perspective from the different responses.

    ---qbf---

    Wait...I just read this whole heated debate and the resolution was basically...what @Lulucooks said to begin with? My head hurts.

    I didn't consider it heated or a debate. How would I possibly know that everyone was going to say the same thing she said. I also acknowledged that was the general consensus and realized and stated that I appreciated the back stories and found it more helpful. Can you take aspirin?

    --qbf--

    Will it get me knocked up? I have some cousins I'd like to piss off.

    You'd have to ask the fertility gods and based on your responses , I'm sure you have plenty of cousins already pissed off.
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  • Kjack85Kjack85 member
    Lulucooks said:

    Kjack85 said:

    FiancB said:

    Mmm, fruit snacks. 


    In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into ... Considering this is happening in my real life and I wasn't intending to deliberately provoke anyone ... Troll doesn't fit.

    I could take badly misinformed or mis-stepper but not troll.
    @FiancB just really likes fruit snacks in her real life. Perhaps it was a mis-step to post here, but she wasnt intentionally trying to provoke anyone.

    ETA Words
    Not that big of a fruit snack fan myself but to each it's own.

    Also, do we finally agree on something (light at the end of the very long tunnel) or is this really good sarcasm and I've gotten excited over nothing?
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