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2nd Trimester
ohhitsstaciee
member
Significant other gives no support
ohhitsstaciee
member
Anyone else feel like their significant other isn't as involved as he should be? I feel like I'm doin everything on my own. I had a mild fall last night and went to the hospital this morning at the advice of my doctor and he couldn't be bothered to wake up and come with me! I've made the registries on my own and any time we make baby plans they fall through because he's not in the mood. Is this a sign that the rest of our lives are going to be this way after baby is born too? I just don't know what to do anymore.
Re: Significant other gives no support
OP, you need to talk to your SO and tell him to get on board. I am assuming you didn't get pregnant on your own, in which case, he needs to step up. It takes 2 to get pregnant and he needs to be involved.
OP, you need to talk to your SO and tell him to get on board. I am assuming you didn't get pregnant on your own, in which case, he needs to step up. It takes 2 to get pregnant and he needs to be involved.
*************** quote fail ***************
I wasn't talking about her husband not being at the hospital with her. I was referring to his lack of preparing/nesting for the baby. My husband is awesomely supportive and pretty hands on. But he doesn't have any interest in washing cloth diapers with me or going baby shopping at BRU all afternoon. Men don't get these instinctual urges to prepare like mothers do.
You bet your ass I have my H come with me to BRU to register. This isn't MY kid, it's OURS. The things we buy/need/want are things we are BOTH going to be using when the baby arrives. I want his input. And he wants to give it.
You sound like a peach. Geez.
IMO you are taking what @cmichelle0423 is saying all wrong. I don't think she's even talking about registering for gifts. Just prepping for baby, washing little clothes, sitting in the nursery daydreaming. All that shit that MOMS usually do. My husband would rather be punched in the face than wander around Babies R Us while I gush over cute little shit. So I don't make him. Saying men aren't built like women when it comes to this isn't that far fetched and it's certainly not making excuses for men either.
That said-when I fell at 14 weeks he covered for me at work so I could go to the ER. He calls me several times a shift if I'm home alone as my hip hasn't healed. He hatttees shopping but has Oked all my big over view ideas for the nursery (but doesn't care to pick them out in store). He's on board for cloth diapering and doesn't feel like he needs to do anything with it right now. Talk frankly with your DH. Some things he just may not care about (in fact DH was incredibly bored during the a/s), and maybe doesn't know what is important to you that you need him there for (he still came and didn't complain until it was over).
DH should be supportive of you-going to the ER would be something I'd be mad about. But if he is someone who hates shopping or decorating or just in general wants to let you make decisions right now he needs to share that with you.
Talk to him. While it's unrealistic to expect him to think about all this baby stuff in the same way you do, it is not unrealistic to expect him to care about your feelings and be sensitive to them. Pick the things that are super important to you to do together (for me, it was looking at/picking our stroller travel system, crib and baby monitor, since DH is really into tech) and then just double-check with him that it's ok for you to move forward with the decisions on X, Y or Z. Keep him posted on what you've bought/decided, etc. He might not 'get' how these things matter until you actually use them when the baby is here, but communication should be a 2-way street so always keep up your end as you would hope he does with his.
Wishing all the best for you and your sweet little one
You bet your ass I have my H come with me to BRU to register. This isn't MY kid, it's OURS. The things we buy/need/want are things we are BOTH going to be using when the baby arrives. I want his input. And he wants to give it.
You sound like a peach. Geez.
IMO you are taking what @cmichelle0423 is saying all wrong. I don't think she's even talking about registering for gifts. Just prepping for baby, washing little clothes, sitting in the nursery daydreaming. All that shit that MOMS usually do. My husband would rather be punched in the face than wander around Babies R Us while I gush over cute little shit. So I don't make him. Saying men aren't built like women when it comes to this isn't that far fetched and it's certainly not making excuses for men either.
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Lol yes this pretty much sums up what I was actually trying to say. Jesus. It's not like I said the dad has no obligation whatsoever to help do anything for the baby before he/she is born.
OP, you need to talk to your SO and tell him to get on board. I am assuming you didn't get pregnant on your own, in which case, he needs to step up. It takes 2 to get pregnant and he needs to be involved.
*************** quote fail ***************
I wasn't talking about her husband not being at the hospital with her. I was referring to his lack of preparing/nesting for the baby. My husband is awesomely supportive and pretty hands on. But he doesn't have any interest in washing cloth diapers with me or going baby shopping at BRU all afternoon. Men don't get these instinctual urges to prepare like mothers do.
Sorry you despise the line of thinking, but the reality is that most of the men I've know *didn't* really connect with the baby until they held him/her in their arms. At least not on the same level as Moms. Also, most men I know aren't super keen of trips to buy baby things. I'm sure there are exceptions to that, as there are to everything.
For what it's worth I was responding to his lack of concern with nesting and preparing for baby. Not him not accompanying her to the hospital. That said, I don't know anything about their relationship and I also suggested she speak to him directly to ascertain if there were underlying issues on his side.
OP - some men do have a harder time connecting with a baby before it is born, but IMO your DH sounds disconnected to a degree that would best case scenario annoy me and worst case scenario seriously concern me.
Talk with him, tell him how you feel, offer him a problem to solve as men are often fixers and reiterate how hurt you were that he didn't support you in the hospital - to me that part is unconscionable. I hope things get better for you!
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Op, if you're feeling hurt by his actions you need to have serious conversation with him about it. You're about to become parents and communication is crucial. Hope you can both find some common ground.
I'm pretty sure even a good friend would go w/ me to the hospital if I fell, let alone my partner.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
as for the preparing, my SO is kind of the same way. once in a while he gets involved in preparing for baby. he'll help me clean or gets really into looking at things for baby. but for the most part, he isn't super interested & it's kind of up to me. he is not at all looking forward to the classes i signed up for, & it's kind of hilarious. i dont really mind. he still loves our LO & is very excited for his arrival.
as PP's have mentioned, it's not really fair to compare spouces. "well mine is super involved, so yours should be too!". everyone is 100% different, man or woman. if his lack of involvement is really upsetting you, just sit him down & have a talk with him. tell him how you're feeling, & get his side of the story. see where he's at with all of this & what he's feeling. that's honestly all you can really do. good luck, OP!
I think the problem Sarah and others have is people saying or implying "all men are like this", when that is just not true. Clearly OP's husband is like that though. My husband is so excited about this baby, and I'm only 16 weeks. I had him touch my belly this morning before I got up, because it feels a little different this week. Then when I got up, he said "don't take my baby away". Sorry, got to take a shower.
In the same light, not every woman wants to shop for hours at BRU. An hour is my limit, and then I need to do something else.
DS: Born 5-17-16
But going to the hospital with you? That's just a minimum of love and respect. Sounds like the two of you need to talk. I'd also suggest signing up for some kind of birthing class. Ours has engaged DH more in the process and gets me the occasional massage because we have to "practice relaxation" as part of our "homework" for the class.
Me: 29 / Hubster: 31
Married July 2010
DC #1 Oct 2013
DC #2 EDD June 2016
Have you asked him why he's not interested in doing the baby-prep stuff? As others have said, every situation is totally different. What I'm ok with - you might not be and vice versa. I couldn't care less if H helps with the registry - I'd actually prefer he didn't because I'd want to pick everything myself. He's ok with that - so it works for us.
Now, re: going to the hospital - yes, he should go if you want him to go. Did you ask him to go with you? And he refused? That's not acceptable by my standards as it demonstrates an alarming lack of caring and compassion.
I'd have a talk - share how you're feeling, ask how he is feeling and come to a mutual understanding of what you want from him and vice versa. Communicating and clearly identifying issues, solutions and expectations is essential to help address situations like this.
Good luck. And I hope your fall was nothing serious.
Sorry about the rambling. But, you need to be open with your partner about how you feel. Maybe write it down and read it to him so it doesn't sound like you are attacking him, and keeping it about how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong (IMO it's SO wrong that you had to go to the hospital alone, that's so terrible, I'm so sorry!)
The fact that he ends up "not in the mood" for baby things bothers me. That's just so silly. Also, what does he think being a parent is going to entail...certainly doing a lot of things you aren't in the mood to because your kid needs/wants them. I'm certain most parents are more in the mood to go back to bed or watch tv on the couch when their kid wakes up at the crack of dawn, but it just doesn't work like that.
Ultimately, seeing a counselor with him may be helpful. I hope things turn around and he gets on board!
It sounds possible that your SO struggled with depression? Or maybe a substance abuse? I don't know any partner, or any family member for that matter that would be able to just keep sleeping if they knew a family member is going to the hospital!